I'm interested in a potential Ana Buddy??
Created: Mon Jun 4 09:55:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oidca/im_interested_in_a_potential_ana_buddy/

How has your ED changed since discovering proed/peach?
Created: Mon Jun 4 09:55:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oidam/how_has_your_ed_changed_since_discovering/
Are there any behaviors you do now or any purchases you've made that you didn't before r/proed & peach? Are there things that have influenced your decisions or actions because of this place?

LIFE fasting tracker
Created: Mon Jun 4 09:54:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oid39/life_fasting_tracker/
Hey everyone! I just discovered an app called LIFE which lets you track your fasts and create circles to interact with other people. Anyone interested on joining?

I created a circle called r/proED in case anyone wishes to join:



I'm scared
Created: Mon Jun 4 08:56:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ohwez/im_scared/
Hey, I'm 5'5", 99 lbs and female with a bmi of 16.5. I'm underweight as you can tell. I've had this problem for awhile though and I have always been naturally thin.

I'm scared I won't ever completely recover and stop this fucking thing. I'm scared I'll never end this self-destroying problem. I'm scared of the fact that I stopped caring about myself and don't give a shit anymore.

A few years ago I noticed i had a thin layer of fat on my stomach. Not chubby or pudgy, but enough to make me uncomfortable and dislike it. Though I was younger and didn't care too much so I just forced myself not to pay attention to it.

Late last year I noticed I had gotten thinner, probably from a mix of growing taller and just consuming less calories. I was happier, and thought to myself, 'huh, maybe I could lose a few more'.

That wasn't terrible. I was still alright, just becoming more aware of what I was putting in my body.

Awhile after that I started eating less at breakfast until I skipped entirely for 3 days just having a cup of coffee with milk and sugar.

That was alright, too. Soon I started having breakfast again and I was still fine.

Awhile after that (I think several weeks I can't remember) I started counting calories and eating as best I could. It wasn't too extreme just 'oh maybe I shouldn't have those oreos' and whatever. I was still somewhat fine.

Then it happened. I don't know exactly what but I soon started counting excessively. I wasn't smart enough to know this was a problem.

It was in mid to late March that I knew I had a problem when I thought to myself 'no, 800 calories is too much'.

I didn't care though. For whatever reason I just didn't give a shit while telling myself I knew when to stop.

I've struggling ever since. There were a few times I thought I had gotten better only to come crawling back to unhealthy eating habits.

I don't know if I'm ready for recovery yet.

If you read all that, thank you. And please, if you know identify the early signs of an ED in you please get help. This disease is one of the worst mental illnesses because off the chance that you never quite recover.

[Discussion] Anyone else ever feel too “confident” with their weight & then end up gaining the lost weight back?
Created: Mon Jun 4 08:35:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ohqk9/anyone_else_ever_feel_too_confident_with_their/
I started at 154 and i’m finally at 142 (last I checked)! Which i’m happy about because it’s at least something. but when it comes down to eating with family or something, I end up eating more than I wanted to. I guess because i’m like “i’m less than before, this is okay” but that leads to me eating 3 bags of popcorn in a day, even though i’m forcing myself to eat the last one!
i’ve gained back weight before from doing this, if i never thought like this, i’d be lighter than i am right now lol.
idk, i just don’t wanna feel alone like i’m the only one who does this! i want to be at 130 by my graduation soooo bad, but parents buying my favorite sweets and stuff does not help, at all.

[Other] I forgot about hunger
Created: Mon Jun 4 08:26:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oho7k/i_forgot_about_hunger/
I managed to restrict today thoughout work. only had three cups of milk coffee so far. my ed tendencies are getting stronger. my goal weight will soon be achieved and i might set another goal weight

Created: Mon Jun 4 08:15:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ohl8g/i_am_officially_underweight/
I want to hug the world and all you guys right now, you've given me so much support over the past few months. Probably way more than y'all know. Damnit, this has taken a long time, and I'm actually seeing a change in my body. Body dysmorphia is still going strong, but I actually hit this mark. Just being in this lower range makes me feel amazing for once.

Time to celebrate this with keeping up the restricting game!!

Not even hungry
Created: Mon Jun 4 08:12:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ohke7/not_even_hungry/
So I kinda relapsed back into this, and this is my first post so Hi~♥
But even though I don't eat much I still haven't been hungry and idk why? Like I went from normal eating to eating little(I couldn't count properly but like def not over 600.maybe under 500) and then I went to a three meals a day about 100kcal per meal
But I haven't been hungry,
I haven't been hungry in ages actually, well sometimes I kinda am but like not rly
I've biked today as well (like 18km)
And I still don't feel hungry and it's scaring me
Have I eaten something but forgot about it?
Is the food scale lying?
Is the packaging lying?
Is mum sneaking some calorie ass shit in my food?

[Tip] How I managed to gain weight being happy about it AKA anecdotal tips to recovery
Created: Mon Jun 4 07:44:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ohd9i/how_i_managed_to_gain_weight_being_happy_about_it/
Hello fellow struggling friends,

My mind has decided to procrastinate studying and in lieu of that tedious activity, I'll proceed to share with y'all some updates on my freEDom journey.

Briefly, there are two things that massively helped me getting better: intermittent fasting coupled with a ketogenic diet.

I'd been struggling with the excruciating self-imposed torture that some friendly romanticize with the name Mia; that is, I would stuff myself like a starving beast and eat anything I could muster up the courage to force into my mouth (because, that's how an intelligent, responsible grown-up deals with little daily incidents that low-key make you wanna kill yourself, but hey, food is your friend... seemingly), only to sobbingly navigate towards the closest bathroom in the 3-am darkness, fused with the blue-tinted, depressing lights on the ceiling. There I would feel the rush, the undeniably addictive pleasure of being back in control; at least as long as the ephemeral illusion would keep me from giving up.

Yeah, I know. I do. Adhering to strict eating patterns that deviate significantly from your average Joe is an alarming element. Nonetheless, I can't just à la black-magic-fuckery pretend I'm that good to overcome the profound effects years of suffering from mental health... hiccups left on me. Still, I had figured an attempt at something healthier — for once — couldn't possibly be a hindrance.

Therefore I've been trying this way of eating (which has evidence-based health benefits, by the way) for a while now.

And, dare I say, I'm not normal and perhaps never will I experience that, since I can't just fucking press 'undo' on the way I've let my dysfunctional eating habits and fucked-up rewarding/punishing system rule my thinking process.

But — SHIT — I can finally trust my hunger cues and I successfully stopped tracking calories.

I'm becoming healthier and I'm okay with it. I'm skinny but I don't need to be a skeleton; scales can go screw off. Maybe I'll eventually stop hating myself so much one day, but it's always one lil' step after another.

[Side note: English is not my primary language so I apologize if my phrasing is a tad off]

I feel like my whole life revolves around calories. I think I just fully realized the extent of my problem.
Created: Mon Jun 4 07:35:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ohb14/i_feel_like_my_whole_life_revolves_around/
So, I have 13 more pounds to lose until my goal weight. It would put me at a 22 BMI, which I know is huge compared to the BMI’s ya’ll have, and I feel embarrassed sharing that here since it’s so big. But it’s what I think would make me happy.

I’ve lost about ten pounds so far, and it hasn’t been hard thanks to the stimulants I take that suppress my appetite. However, I feel like my whole daily routine has changed since I committed to this numerical weight loss. It’s this fact that really makes it undeniable to me that I have a problem.

At first, I was just so happy to be losing weight. I’d wanted to lose weight for my entire life. Literally since sixth grade and my mom told me I was “too young to be this curvy.” I was so excited when I realized that I could go entire days without eating if I just asked my bf for Vyvanse.

Then, I started planning when I’d see my bf around how much Vyvanse I had. I’d say things like: “Oh well we have to hang out today because I need more Vyvanse!” Or if I took one on the weekend and I knew he’d want to do Sunday brunch I would try to make an excuse and be like: “Let’s do dinner on Monday instead!” because I knew I could fast all day Monday and have dinner be my one meal.

Then I started ditching plans to go out with friends because I wouldn’t want to eat with them. Then I started taking sleeping pills to go to bed by 9pm and sleep off the hunger pains. Then I started going to clothing stores just to try on clothes I couldn’t afford and make sure I was still dropping sizes.

Oh yeah! Yesterday I spent $350 on clothes because I went down a size. Which was SO STUPID of me since I’m planning to go down probably another size. What the fuck am I thinking? I’m not rich! I can’t afford $350 in clothes!

I just feel like my whole life now revolves around calories. I’m not studying for the GRE anymore because I’m just thinking about what clothes I can wear and how people will look at me once I’m 5’ 10” and a size 4. I don’t want to give up on my dreams of getting my PhD in Literature (IM SUPPOSED TO APPLY BY NOVEMBER AND I HAVENT EVEN STARTED MY WRITING SAMPLE....) so I can lose weight but it honestly seems like I’m on that path!!!!!! Instead of feeling gross when guys check me out, instead I’m like *its because I lost weight! I’m more attractive! It’s working!* and I’m a feminist so WTF AM I DOING? WHO AM I?

I just keep telling myself that I’ll lose the weight in six weeks and then I’ll get my life back on track. But I’m starting to think that I won’t. :( Oh no. This kind of just stopped being fun.

The scary thing about eating disorders is that they work (long, TW)
Created: Mon Jun 4 07:33:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ohaen/the_scary_thing_about_eating_disorders_is_that/
Back in school, I had a great friend who undoubtedly had an eating disorder. She would never speak about it nor confirm it to me, but she had one. She got incredibly thin, she worked out two hours a day, and wouldn't eat anything even if she was close to fainting. If she ate the tiniest bit she'd walk a mile before going home to keep the calories off, and if she did have a full meal, she'd go to the toilet immediately after eating it (saying she has 'bad bladder control').

I saw right through it, but I didn't understand eating disorders back then. Why not just eat? Why care about being underweight? What was the appeal in that? Why not just do it the healthy way? Why starve yourself so ridiculously? **That can't work.**

About a year later (last year), I developed an eating disorder myself. It started with my family fatshaming me (I've never been overweight my entire life), which added onto my already lacking self esteem- my father continously told me I should take care of my diet, to make sure my tummy didn't get even bigger, even my mum started doing it even though she loves me very much. Fights with my dad would always break out at the dinner table, so I subconsciously began to dislike eating. I would eat less, and at some point, I stopped eating at all.

I'm a very rational person, and I never admitted that eating disorders "worked", and never wanted to admit that I would fall into one, no matter what. I refused to believe that that was an actual way to lose weight, it seemed so ridiculous from the outside. I moved out early this year to escape my dad's grip, and ever since then my eating disorder has just taken over. Everything is about restriction, about losing pounds. I can't leave the bathroom without weighing myself, I don't drink anything that has calories in it, I have a spit glass next to me because I want to get rid of every possible calorie in my body and I've lost over 20 lbs. I weighed almost 150, and my goal is to go down to 100. That's two thirds of my highest weight.

What's happening to me just goes against all of my principles. I never used to admit that there were things I couldn't control, and even though I've been through two suicide attempts, I always thought to myself that it was something I could control (which, obviously, is complete bullshit). I never believed that eating disorders could actually seize control over you, and make you do stuff that would damage yourself. Yet here I am, and I have no way out. I keep pretending that I'm fine, eating full meals in front of others to keep up an image just to go to the bathroom after and purge it up. I'm just lost.

I needed to get this off my chest, and thought I wanted to share it with you guys. I'm sorry if this is inappropriate content, but I just feel very lonely right now. Thank you to anyone who read this mess of a story. :(

Bulimia “Care Package?”
Created: Mon Jun 4 07:16:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oh6eb/bulimia_care_package/
Hey guys,

I haven’t posted in a while, but I need some advice and figured you lovely guys, gals, and gender-queer pals would be the best people to ask.

Though my ED used to take the form of B/P, I’ve at least recovered to the point where I don’t make myself sick after a binge (!!!). I mean, now I just go into restriction cycles, but this isn’t really about me!

The point is that I haven’t been throwing up regularly in a good amount of time. I’m a counselor at a camp this summer, and I’ve made a new friend with whom I’ve clicked instantly and, when we both got drunk together, she admitted to currently being bulimic. She’s one of the first people I’ve spoke with who really “got” it, y’know? And I appreciated that, and I think she did too.

Anyway, that was a couple of nights ago, and she ended up so drunk (she’s fairly slim and small, and of course we know how an ED can fuck up your tolerance) that her boyfriend had to carry her home. She’s not feeling too hot, but also, she’s from the UK and we live in an isolated place where we can’t go shopping easily. I’m out of town on a trip, and I wanted to put together a little “care package,” y’know? Like, we told each other we’d be here for each other this summer and it felt really genuine, and I want to help. Here are some things I’m thinking about including, b/c I remember them coming in handy:

-Powerade zero or pedialyte (sp?) for electrolytes
-Iron and magnesium supplements
-some of those travel sized mouth wash bottles
-Maybe bottle of hot sauce? She’s tentatively trying to get better for her boyfriend’s sake, and when I found it hard not to b/p I’d put hot sauce on shit so I wouldn’t eat it too fast, and really wouldn’t want to purge it. Kinda of a niche thing though lol
-maybe chewing gum?

Idk, if you have any suggestions I’d love to hear them, even if it’s just to say that this is a stupid idea haha.

[Rant/Rave] I’m about to cancel my vacation with my friends because my binge began...
Created: Mon Jun 4 06:57:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oh1tp/im_about_to_cancel_my_vacation_with_my_friends/
I’m supposed to be going on a beach vacation with my friends from tomorrow onwards, but think I’ll cancel because of my binge.

I was supposed to see my new therapist the day before yesterday but she cancelled, which initiated my binge and I’ve now been binging non stop for two days.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I had been so in control for over a month. But whatever, being this messed up I don’t think I deserve a beach holiday anyways. The thought of eating around them has been making me feel pretty anxious anyways.

I feel so weird and detached from reality during my binge period, so I’m feeling a bit emotionally dysregulated at the moment. But I just feel really shitty and disappointed.

At what point can you actually say you have a problem? Because I think I’m still in denial about it all.

[Other] Update on not getting period
Created: Mon Jun 4 06:50:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oh08z/update_on_not_getting_period/
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post yesterday, I woke up this morning and had my period and still weighed 122 so I'm happy and today is a good day! I thought I was going to have to start bingeing again to get my period back so I'm very very happy that it came on its own, I don't even care that it makes me feel like I have imposter syndrome, I was very stressed thinking of all the implications of not getting my period anymore so I'm just enjoying the relief I feel right now. Sorry for all the gross TMI period talk, too. I'm going to relax and try to eat intuitively today (still gonna track everything though because I love feeling in control and am not about to give that up, especially now)

[Tip] Tea on an empty stomach...
Created: Mon Jun 4 06:32:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ogw87/tea_on_an_empty_stomach/
Over the past few days I’ve seen so many posts about people feeling all blocked up - I’m definitely included in this!!! I’ve realised now that whenever I drink tea on an empty stomach it goes right through me like a laxative (I don’t know if coffee does the same thing bc I’m not a coffee drinker!). Definitely handy to get “cleared out” lmao. Probably tmi but I know it helps to get the number on the scale now 😂

[Intro] I thought this was all over - yet realising recovery brought me to my highest weight hit me so hard [Intro-Rant]
Created: Mon Jun 4 06:25:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ogumt/i_thought_this_was_all_over_yet_realising/
This is maybe my 4th account here but after a shit Christmas and some very serious obsession with laxatives and the small amount of joy they brought, I was working towards recovering. I realise I was still overeating like a motherf*cker but standing on the scale and being 189lbs is the most horrific thing I had ever realised.

I told myself hitting 13st previously would be the be all end all because I refused to hit that. Yet here I am. I’m so tired of being the fat friend, the lazy friend, the ugly friend.

I’m so sick of being obsessed with my weight. It’s every last goddamn thought.

[Rant/Rave] Weird fantasy
Created: Mon Jun 4 06:14:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ogs5y/weird_fantasy/
I hope this doesn’t offend and I hope this doesn’t come off as attention seeking because I promise you I’m not. But I’ve always fantasised about being sectioned to a mental health hospital, even as a child way before I started developing this messed up eating habit. I want to be sick enough that people worry, I want to be sickly thin that it terrifies everybody. But I also want to mentally be so sick that I require immediate help. I want to suffer. I feel like I deserve it. I want to be surrounded by those who are in a similar mindset to me, I want the routine, I want the white walls, I want to constantly be kept an eye on. I want to be forced to go to therapy. Whenever I think of being sectioned, I think of a bright sunny light, I don’t know why.

[Sticky] Weekly Stats Update! June 04, 2018
Created: Mon Jun 4 06:13:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ogs44/weekly_stats_update_june_04_2018/
This is the weekly status thread for June 04, 2018.

The weekly status thread is to help motivate our users, and to eventually see how far they've come! Be it for weight loss, weight gain, or maintaining- everyone is welcome.

Please include the following information (with all necessary units of measurement):

* Height:

* Current weight (CW):

* Highest weight (HW):

* Lowest weight (LW):

* Goal weight (GW):

* Ultimate goal weight (UGW):

* Weight lost (WL):

* BMI: ([Use this to calculate your BMI](https://people.maths.ox.ac.uk/trefethen/bmi_calc.html))

* Age:

* Gender expression:

Here's a handy-dandy copy/paste of the above format:

* Height:

* CW:

* HW:

* LW:

* GW:

* UGW:

* WL:

* BMI:

* Age:

* Gender expression:


Status threads are posted every Monday.

Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! June 04, 2018
Created: Mon Jun 4 06:13:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ogs35/daily_food_diary_june_04_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for June 04, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Discussion] Let's talk about veganism
Created: Mon Jun 4 05:23:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oghwa/lets_talk_about_veganism/
I am interested in becoming vegan \(or at least, mostly always vegan\). I already don't eat dairy and seldom eat meat so it would just be eggs that would be hard for me. Does anyone have tips? Did anyone go vegan due to their disorder? It would be a lot easier to skip food if there just isn't any vegan food available... I also care deeply about animals and that's why I almost never eat meat as it is. So what's your experience with veganism and EDs?

Vitamins/Supplements? What do you take?
Created: Mon Jun 4 05:12:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ogfw0/vitaminssupplements_what_do_you_take/
What does everyone here supplement, if anything?
I've been taking a women's multivitamin, and extra B vitamins. Sometimes I take magnesium because apparently it can help with fatigue.
What's your routine?

Fat fasting for a week (details)
Created: Mon Jun 4 04:20:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8og6m2/fat_fasting_for_a_week_details/
This week I'm doing a /r/keto and /r/fasting inspired MCT oil/coconut oil fast. Under 800 cals/day of oil only. I've done this before and dropped weight FAST.

Any tips to make it the most effective?

[Discussion] Summer goals?
Created: Mon Jun 4 03:48:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8og1c2/summer_goals/
Hey pals,

I don't know how much I weigh, but after living with someone who made me want to tear my hair out and enabled binges, my weight has shot up and I no longer fit into my waist 26 jeans. I'm going to guesstimate that I weigh around 65kg. Anyway, I've been on losertown and APPARENTLY if I eat 1200kcal everyday \(which I can *definitely* get away with in my house, maybe less, I live with my parents and they already know about my eating disorder tendencies so I have to be careful\), I will be 55kg by September 17th which is JUST IN TIME for my holiday and* the*n I have the possibility of reaching 54kg, if I do not overeat in Turkey \(hopefully will be so hot that I decide that all I want is salad heheheh\)**. So that is my summer goal! Eat 1200kcal every day and reach 55kg by the time I go back to wor**k!

The best thing I've noticed, for me, is to ignore the hunger and each day I get less and less hungry.

What are your goals for this summer?

Much love xxxx

[Rant/Rave] Withdrawing from drugs is the best and worst
Created: Mon Jun 4 03:32:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ofyw9/withdrawing_from_drugs_is_the_best_and_worst/
It’s the best because I have no appetite whatsoever but the worst because my anxiety is at its peak, I have not slept in 4 days and the cold sweats suck. I also feel like ripping off my skin

[Rant/Rave] Restriction and physical illness
Created: Mon Jun 4 03:30:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ofyi7/restriction_and_physical_illness/
I’ve had a sickness bug and my ED mind is telling me that I should be using that as a platform to eat even less but I have felt so physically awful that I need to eat to get better. I am so drained and I know I got so unwell because I haven’t been eating enough anyway. I had toast this morning and I hate myself but I can’t go another day feeling like I have. I’m just so scared of putting weight on when I’m so close to my GW.

Anyone else who restricts notice themselves getting physically ill more often and more severely?

r/TIL Fasting =/= Eating Disorder
Created: Mon Jun 4 03:28:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ofy8d/rtil_fasting_eating_disorder/

*Not sure this would pass on r/TIL*
So, people can actually fast multiple of weeks without it being an eating disorder. Who would've known.. Sarcasm. Of course you can.

Hopefully that can be a reality.

What is your eating "plan" for when you reach your UGW?
Created: Mon Jun 4 03:19:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ofwsk/what_is_your_eating_plan_for_when_you_reach_your/
Do any of you have an idea of how you are going to eat/maintain etc once you are at the weight you want?

A ride attendant called me fat
Created: Mon Jun 4 03:17:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ofwgo/a_ride_attendant_called_me_fat/
So last night I binged a massive curry, naan bread, onion bhajis and poppadoms. What I left over I ate this morning for breakfast. I feel fat and shitty and I'm sick of feeling this way. It was my fucking end of uni Summer Ball and now it's just going to become a reminder of how fat I am. And I can't even fast for the rest of the day because I'm travelling home to see my family and they're going to have made dinner to celebrate. And when I told my mum on the phone what happened she was just like 'oh that's weird', she knows I hate my body and she literally said nothing reassuring because she's embarrassed by how fat I am too LOL.

I was actually thin this time last year, now I'm back to square one and I feel fucking gross.

Comments from the cashier you've gotten
Created: Mon Jun 4 02:55:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ofswl/comments_from_the_cashier_youve_gotten/
The other day I was buying three cans of Monster zero and the cashier guy was like, "Wow, are these all for you? You really need that much energy?" lol It didn't really bother me and just answered something about liking them.

What have you guys gotten while shopping? Negative or not. I'm just bored and I like stories on here.

[Help] Looking for an accountability partner
Created: Mon Jun 4 01:42:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ofi62/looking_for_an_accountability_partner/

[Rant/Rave] Continuing to binge even after it doesn't taste good anymore. Overweight after recovery.
Created: Mon Jun 4 00:24:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8of5as/continuing_to_binge_even_after_it_doesnt_taste/

"This is the last binge" "This binge is okay because *insert excuse here*"

How many times has that been said? This is the summer before my 3rd year of college. Every night I go to sleep wondering how the hell I let myself go from underweight to overweight like this? 93 lbs at one point, 155 lbs now. It's not so much a question, I *know* the answer: binge eating. I used to purge too but care too much about my teeth so I stopped. I constantly sort through my old clothes from when I was thin. I look at all of the cute stuff I used to wear, imagining the day it all fits again. I look back at older pictures where I was happy and thin, surrounded by friends. Now I dont even take pictures anymore. Now I'm fat, lonely, depressed, and wear the same baggy clothes day in and day out. Why is binge eating so hard to quit? I always come up with some excuse to binge, promising myself that this is the last binge.

Has anyone here who struggled with binge eating after anorexia managed to stop? How did it actually become the last binge? I just feel so lost. It's scary to feel like I have no control over my mind and it's urges to binge eat. I used to live with so much self restraint and control, and I haven't been able to reclaim any of it so far. I just need to hear other people about this because I feel so alone. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this. ❤❤❤

Habits you have thanks to your ED
Created: Mon Jun 4 00:20:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8of4ln/habits_you_have_thanks_to_your_ed/
Hi! I’m curious to know habits you have develop thanks to your eating disorder, for example, I’ve heard that a lot of people with an eating disorder smoke to stop feeling hungry. I’m interested in this because I want to make a photographic serie about what it is like to have an eating disorder as I have had one myself and I remember I used to check the calories of everything I ate and now I smoke to feel less hungry. Everything would be really helpful as this is my last project of the semester and I would like to portray different habits, not just mine. Thanks in advance :) <3

why do you want me to be fat again?
Created: Mon Jun 4 00:01:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8of18l/why_do_you_want_me_to_be_fat_again/
my mom made another comment about me being too skinny...

"youre wearing clothes for fourth graders!"

im 5'4 and wearing a womens size m, and if you didnt fatten me up as a kid to the point where actually, thats what i had to wear in fourth grade, maybe you would realize youre talking complete bullshit. get the fuck out of my life.

[Goal] I'm pretty damn happy
Created: Sun Jun 3 23:50:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oezf2/im_pretty_damn_happy/
I've lost a lot of weight in a bit of months and although I'm not exactly at my goal weight, I've hit a new low weight and I'm almost there. Makes me a lot happier that I can get there.

I have to be honest though, I usually get depressed when I eat more than I should or I know I'm not there yet but when I see before and after pics it really helps to remember just how much I lost.

I'm feeling happy about my weight for once even if it's not my goal weight. :)

[Rant/Rave] The routine
Created: Sun Jun 3 23:39:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oexis/the_routine/
I just need to write this down because it’s better to possibly relate to someone than drown in my own thoughts. I’m officially graduating high school this week. Everything feels like it’s falling on top of me all at once. Breaking up with my high school sweetheart. Adulthood. College. Career. Regrets. And how do I feel? Completely and utterly alone. Out of control. Naive. It’s like my support system is going away. It feels like the world is going to eat me alive.
So I’ll just eat myself alive. The hunger highs and planning my life around my ED brings me so much comfort. I’m regressing from the strong, hopeful, carefree young adult I used to be. Have I eaten today? No. Does anyone notice? Of course not. And I love it.

[Rant/Rave] Told my dad I was underweight and losing more, against my doctor’s advice. He said: “That’s great, congratulations.”
Created: Sun Jun 3 23:24:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oeuqr/told_my_dad_i_was_underweight_and_losing_more/
After a great weekend with my incredibly supportive boyfriend, I was ready to give my body a bunch of energy while visiting family to help me start the week.

My dad looked into my bowl and said: “You’re not going to be skinny much longer if you keep eating like that!”

I gathered all my courage and said, “I can and should eat big meals sometimes. I’m underweight. I’ve lost ten lbs since I last saw my doctor and he told me to gain a few lbs.”

My dad smiled and said, “That’s great, congratulations!” and then I died and laughed and shit myself simultaneously at the dinner table.

...but I didn’t let him win. I finished the bowl.

[Discussion] What kind of bathing suits do you like?
Created: Sun Jun 3 23:15:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oet12/what_kind_of_bathing_suits_do_you_like/
I know with summer coming up, a lot of us are feeling anxious about wearing bathing suits, and so I thought it might be useful to have a thread where people talk about the bathing suits that make them feel the best (or, at least, not like dying). So tell us about your favorite style and your body type! I know this is maybe more suited for r/femalefashionadvice but I feel like this is a safer space for us to talk about these things without judgement.

[Discussion] Anyone else fantasize of cutting everyone off to be alone with their disorder
Created: Sun Jun 3 23:13:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oespl/anyone_else_fantasize_of_cutting_everyone_off_to/
I don't know if this is relatable but sometimes i get this thought in my head that id be so much better if i broke up with my boyfriend, cut off all of my friends, and just moved far away one day to litteraly starve myself to death or at least just disappear until im thin. I know in a million years id never actually do it and i do love my friends but the thought crosses my mind pretty often. Maybe im more disordered than i thought. Sorry

[Rant/Rave] I hate working food service
Created: Sun Jun 3 22:30:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oekgd/i_hate_working_food_service/

I'm around food all fucking day and I tend to get really fucking hungry because guess what? I don't really eat because my brain hates me! I work at a place where we make your burrito in front of you (for those of you in some areas of the southern US, it's called Freebirds). There's food in front of me my entire shift, and I'm walking around and cleaning and cooking and scrubbing floors and I get so fucking hungry. And part of my brain says "hey you should eat ALL OF THIS FOOD" while another part says "if you eat any of this you are a disgusting pile of garbage."

As much as I despise it, I ended up munching on stuff a tiny bit besides the salad that I had during my break. The munchy food added up to 187 calories and I feel so fucking horrified with myself, because that + my break salad + a protein bar I had before work = 477 and I was going to have some real people food tonight. By that I mean 312 calories but going over 700 calories total intake for the day would make me want to die soooo guess not.

I was closing tonight and the entire time I was cleaning up after close all I wanted to do was shove a tortilla in my face. Or a quesadilla. Cheese and super carby stuff are food from the devil, I swear. I was freaking the fuck out in my head because there was so much internal struggle between my body and what it wanted, and my disorder. I wanted to cry.

I'm so disgusted by myself and I feel so terrible.

tldr; food service sucks, I munched too much and I hate myself, and I almost had a panic attack over a goddamn tortilla.

If you also hate working food service, feel free to comment with your experiences. We're in this garbage pile together, woooooo

looking for nonbinary eating-disordered people to talk to (questioning gender)
Created: Sun Jun 3 22:27:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oejou/looking_for_nonbinary_eatingdisordered_people_to/
Erm, is there anyone here who is non-binary and is willing to PM with me about gender identity? I'm AFAB and thinking I might be nonbinary. I know I could go to a gender therapist, but a lot of my thoughts and my life have to do with my ED and I don't want to be forced into a recovery program :/

weight went up, but I look smaller?
Created: Sun Jun 3 22:03:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oeers/weight_went_up_but_i_look_smaller/
I was 96 yesterday.

Today the scale said 100????? But my sternum is super visible, more than usual.

I don't know whether to cry, or celebrate, or if I just have to poop.

Oh also I downloaded peach it's @motherlotus just like here!

New favorite thing to do: buy binge food, take it to my car, cry, then return it without eating. You have no power over me, cheesy boys.
Created: Sun Jun 3 21:55:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oedau/new_favorite_thing_to_do_buy_binge_food_take_it/

I am binge eating but not just food but pills as well, any similar experiences?
Created: Sun Jun 3 21:54:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oed05/i_am_binge_eating_but_not_just_food_but_pills_as/
I have a diagnosed binge eating disorder, like many of us here. The problem is that I have started binging pills, it isn't even for the feeling.

Both times I've binged I've overdosed. I have no intention of dying. I'll just have one pills and then honestly it is like the eating disorder takes over. I don't want to die so I immediately go to A&E but I hate myself for it since it's a waste of urgent medical professional help.

I can't stay away from medication since I need it for my illness. I don't care what type of pills I binge when I do it, I've binged paracetamol, modafinil, antidepressant, vitamin tablets, etc.

Is there a way to stop me from binging these things?

Sorry for the throwaway but I usually frequent this sub every day. If this post is more suitable to another subreddit then please tell me.

[Discussion] Just embarrassing fasting things
Created: Sun Jun 3 21:51:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oecdp/just_embarrassing_fasting_things/
Okay so I'm currently 18 hours into a fast and I'm studying in this huge national library where it's quiet as a mouse.. I bet you can see where this is going.

My growling stomach is literally turning heads.

How many awkward moments have you guys had because of fasting? I wanna know!

[Discussion] DAE with dietary restrictions go out of their way to eat the things they can’t digest?
Created: Sun Jun 3 20:49:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8odyt0/dae_with_dietary_restrictions_go_out_of_their_way/
So, I have both lactose intolerance and gluten intolerance (I know, wonderful). I find myself a lot of times, when I want to eat something that has higher calories than what I normally would, I go for the normal versions. Essentially, I eat things with lots of milk or wheat so that I absorb less of the calories. I don’t even know if that’s accurate, I still count the calories all the same, but it makes me feel better. Plus, it’s a natural laxative!

Does anyone else with dietary restrictions do this or am I just crazy?

How do you keep going?
Created: Sun Jun 3 20:41:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8odwy1/how_do_you_keep_going/
This is my first post here or anywhere.

Two month ago I relapsed into the restriction/binge cycle I thought I left in my preteen years. I’m 20 now and here I am again. And I’m not even good at it this time around. I lost ten pounds in a month and I’ve maintained since and I can’t eat anything without the extreme guilt that comes with it. I’m freshly broken up with and I feel like my insides are being torn up. I don’t know how to keep waking up every morning and I just found myself googling of a jump from a three story building was enough to kill me (it’s not).

The easy answer is to get help, go to therapy, go on meds, do something. But I physically can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve tried it all before and the process is exhausting. I’m not underweight or even a normal weight so I can’t get serious help anyways. No one takes my depression seriously.

So I guess I’m here having a pity party. Maybe that will help. But I have no motivation left and I don’t doubt that some of you have similar feelings. So how do you do it? How do you give yourself the strength to keep going? Right now all I think about is that I can’t let my parents have a dead kid. And that’s really not enough. I guess I just want to hear that I’m not alone because right now it sure feels like it.

[Rant/Rave] I never want to wear a bathing suit again
Created: Sun Jun 3 20:28:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8odu0d/i_never_want_to_wear_a_bathing_suit_again/
My roommates and I are going on holiday next week and I told my roommate she could have some bathing suits I have that are too big and unflattering on me. And she was like “oh I’m sure they’re fine” and I was like “no seriously, they’re awful, look”, and I pulled out a picture of myself to show her.... and it was so much worse than I remembered even though I was at a really low weight when those pictures were taken. And so now I don’t want to eat or wear a bathing suit ever again, and I’m really nervous about going away. Any advice?

[Help] Anyone have experience with waist trainers?
Created: Sun Jun 3 19:28:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8odg4y/anyone_have_experience_with_waist_trainers/
I started realising that even when I lose weight around my waist it’s still overall like a square shape instead of that nice hourglass figure and it’s driving me crazy lol. I know this is probably not the best sub to ask about results but I’m wondering with very restrictive eating what kind of health problems would arise from a really constrictive garment like that? Because my biggest fear is just passing out from walking 😬

Does anyone have any experience with them? Or recommendations? Thanks xx

I’ve been doing so good following a low carb diet but I fell off the wagon and I can’t get back on
Created: Sun Jun 3 19:11:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8odcg3/ive_been_doing_so_good_following_a_low_carb_diet/
I had been eating -20g carbs a day and 1,000 calories. No extreme restriction and I felt good, was losing weight at a healthy rate.
Annnddd then like 2 weeks ago I was at a family get together and I ate a brownie. Then like 3 more. And several slices of cake, some ice cream, an entire bag of M&Ms... and I still have been eating this way. It’s like I can’t get control of myself. I need to stop. Today I have eaten so much that I feel sick to my stomach and sick because I’m eating so grossly

The better my body gets, the more I want to hide it.
Created: Sun Jun 3 18:50:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8od7iw/the_better_my_body_gets_the_more_i_want_to_hide_it/
Does anyone else experience this?

I know that many of us just want to hide inside of huge clothing (regardless of our size) so nobody can tell our shape, but lately my relationship with clothes is stressing me out like crazy.

Like, when I was around BMI 20 or so, I thought I was a fat piece of shit for sure, but the clothes I felt good in were definitely on the tighter/body-con side of things. Even though I felt huge, other people (...men) adored my curves. I think I wore the tight clothing so I could feel validated through their attention and compliments.

Now I'm in probably the best shape of my life. I've been working out (barre, yoga, pilates, running) consistently for a year now, finally shifted off weight I gained in college, and I'm thrilled with my progress. I've lost inches of fat everywhere, put on muscle in all the right places, and on good days I even show some little baby abs. But I can't bring myself to wear the same form-fitting, body-flaunting clothing that I used to. I'm not crazy about having lost so much of my breasts along the way (I was very small chested to begin with), but aside from this, I'm happy with the changes I've made over the last year. If I'm actually starting to LIKE my body, I should be more comfortable with showing it off right? Apparently not.

Now all I want to do is hide in big sweaters and loose jeans, loose fit jumpsuits and big flowy midi dresses. I have so much amazing clothing that would flatter my new figure (thank you NYC thrift stores, it's incredible what people get rid of around here) but I don't feel confident enough to wear any of it. I'll go shopping and come back with the most stunning dress, and then it just sits there in my closet unworn.

The exception here is workout clothing- I get very hot at the gym, so I tend to work out in cropped leggings and a bra top. I have no problems with this because I know everyone at the gym is just focused on their own shit, and not what I look like or what I wear. But outside the gym, it's not like anybody in NYC gives a shit what I wear either-- so I don't know what my deal is.

It's as if the better I do, the higher I set my standards for myself (and of course the new standards will be impossible to meet). Wheeeee.

[Discussion] Question about waist training
Created: Sun Jun 3 18:35:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8od48d/question_about_waist_training/
Because my eating disorder is 98% about the size of my stomach and 2% about the pleasure of binging, i've decided a waist trainer will be instrumental in my recent efforts towards some form of vaguely health-conscious pseudo-recovery, and i was wondering if y'all have any experience with waist training in general, as well as, specially, i was wondering if i ought to by the size that matches my body, or the size i want to achieve through corseting.

any advice or experience would be wonderful <3

[Discussion] My period seems to have stopped even though I'm not quite underweight, has this happened to anyone else?
Created: Sun Jun 3 18:26:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8od22f/my_period_seems_to_have_stopped_even_though_im/
My period should have already came and I know I'm not pregnant, so it's from me losing weight recently. I didn't want my period to stop, but I don't want to gain weight back. Is there any way my body might start menstruating again without me having to gain weight? I'm not quite underweight, 121 would be underweight for my height. If I just stay at 122 do you guys think my period will
start coming back regularly?

hydroxycut MAX for women?
Created: Sun Jun 3 18:23:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8od196/hydroxycut_max_for_women/
i just recently purchased this and i'm wondering if anyone else has had experience with it? good or bad! did it work for you?

[Rant/Rave] Found out exactly how thin my thin friend weighs
Created: Sun Jun 3 18:12:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ocyoe/found_out_exactly_how_thin_my_thin_friend_weighs/
And now I feel like I have to re-evaluate my gw. She’s 91lbs at 5’4” with long limbs. Sigh, even if/when I get down to that, I’ll never look as elegant as she does. I’ll just look like a bony mess. I hate how the competitive aspect of this disorder. I’m tired of comparing myself to everyone

“I get OCD sometimes...”
Created: Sun Jun 3 17:40:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ocr80/i_get_ocd_sometimes/
“...just a little bit, you know? Like, I go on a cleaning spree. Usually its a week before I get sick almost like my body knows I won’t be able to clean so I have to be OCD for a couple days.”

Oh, yes, Karen, I totally get it. It’s kind of like how unless food is prepared in front of me, in a particular way, by a particular person— usually me— I can’t eat it. Or how if my food looks the wrong way I feel like I can’t eat it. Ooh, ooh, or like how I have to eat my food in a particular order or I feel like I ate my meal wrong? You know? Or how about when something happens out of my normal routine and I have a panic attack and my first reaction is to not eat.

I think you’re fine, Karen. Cleaning is a normal adult responsibility

I *love* when people say that you can't lose weight by starving yourself
Created: Sun Jun 3 17:28:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ocof3/i_love_when_people_say_that_you_cant_lose_weight/
Sweetie, it's called starving for a reason 😂 what do you think I'm gonna do, gain weight eating air?

Restricting hard is ruining alcohol for me?
Created: Sun Jun 3 16:41:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8occpc/restricting_hard_is_ruining_alcohol_for_me/
It's trivial I know. FOUR times though, In the past couple of months, I've gone on a night out whilst restricting - and I honestly don't know why this is - but I've ended up crying. And feeling disgusting and binging the next day.

I feel like restricting makes alcohol affect me 'heavier' if that makes sense - especially now I'm losing weight steadily again. I miss the happy inbetween period where I could drink wine and be happpppyyyyy. </3 maybe it's just the vodka and gin, I really don't know but something's changed.

It doesn't help being so body conscious, I'm relapsing pretty definitely at the moment and I'm starting to notice my mattress getting a little tougher, the bath getting a bit uncomfortable on my tail bone, and just before I got ready my mum commented that I looked 'fragile'.

I woke up post drunk cry (my friend took me to hers and then home) shaky hungry at 6am from alcohol on an empty one I'm guessing. On the plus I weighed in before I ate like 800cals of the kitchen and I'm down a pound. Woot.

**But anyway,** I never used to get depressed after drinking. If anything I sometimes felt more upbeat despite a hangover - and this was when I was going out drinking so much more often than now. It's embarrassing to say the least this can't keep happening.

Anyone else get alcohol blues only when restricting?

[Help] Escitalopram and EC Stacking
Created: Sun Jun 3 16:33:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ocaqk/escitalopram_and_ec_stacking/
I’m looking into trying an EC stack, but couldn’t find any interactions with the meds I’m currently on (Lexapro). If anyone could provide insight on whether or not this is a safe combo, it would be greatly appreciated!

How do you handle failures?
Created: Sun Jun 3 16:23:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oc8ff/how_do_you_handle_failures/
I feel like I failed today. I was going to fast today, but I’m lightly snacking. I gave in and smacked on a Rice Krispies. I feel like I failed and I feel disgusted with myself. I want to lose weight. I won’t lose weight this way.

your favourite exercises?
Created: Sun Jun 3 16:23:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oc8d8/your_favourite_exercises/
firstly, mods, feel free to delete/let me know if this is too off-topic for the sub

that being said, i find that exercise (esp cardio) does a decent job of distracting me from hunger. i guess what i wanted to see was if you guys had any particular exercises you liked, youtube channels, anything you'd recommend to others? i'm interested in yoga too! now that summer is here i really want to start using the treadmill i have and maybe get into HIIT stuff

personally though my favourite thing is just going for a walk around the block, it's low-intensity but it's a good way to get out of the house and not eat

I managed to chip a tooth this week and I feel disgusting
Created: Sun Jun 3 16:19:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oc7in/i_managed_to_chip_a_tooth_this_week_and_i_feel/
I wasn't even eating! I was just sitting at my desk, working, and I noticed something hard? Turns out I chipped a tooth. It's like a little fucking scoop got taken out of my lower left central tooth. Ugh, who even does that out of the blue?? I was so proud of myself for cutting down on my purges (like, *drastically*). I got my teeth checked right after a really bad period of purging almost a year ago and the dentist said everything looked good?

I can't go to a dentist until at least next week, and it doesn't hurt, but it's like a constant, small reminder in my mouth that I'm a disgusting creature. UGH.

[Help] How to lose actual fat?
Created: Sun Jun 3 15:15:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8obrqq/how_to_lose_actual_fat/
I have a somewhat wacky fat distribution, like at this point I have really bony forearms, shins and collarbones, but I feel like mainly my stomach and thighs are still disproportionately huge (and also my face). Does anyone know how to lose fat in those parts without having the rest of my body look comically skinny, or is there simply no way to spot reduce?

[Help] Doctor's Office Weigh-In
Created: Sun Jun 3 15:15:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8obrpl/doctors_office_weighin/
So, I made an appointment with my allergy specialist because of some weird symptoms I've been having . . . and I'm a bit of a nervous wreck over the weigh\-in. I've lost about 7\-8 lbs since my appointment in March, and I'm, like, not underweight but I'm not overweight, either. I don't want her to think my weight loss is a symptom of something weird, but I also feel guilty admitting I'm losing weight on purpose. Will she even ask? Should I try to do things to make my weight seem higher? Am I over thinking this? Should I just tell her the truth? Aaagh.

I was never allowed to lose weight or work out growing up. It's not that these things were forbidden, but I was constantly getting comments from my mom about how I wasn't eating enough, or the foods I was eating weren't the right sort of foods, while \*also\* getting all these positive comments from her when I did manage to slim down. Attention like "oh, you're so elfin, because you don't eat enough!" Note, I was never, ever close to underweight. So maybe I just have weird personal hang ups about losing weight. \(obviously, but I mean. . . maybe the world wouldn't care?\)

Peach Thread
Created: Sun Jun 3 15:09:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8obq86/peach_thread/
I made a Peach account and I have no idea what I'm doing! Add me, @paper_islands

[Discussion] DAE start feeling lightheaded/sick AFTER eating?
Created: Sun Jun 3 15:01:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8obnx5/dae_start_feeling_lightheadedsick_after_eating/
So I have been trying to not restrict as much on weekends. But this whole weekend, every time I have eaten, I have felt MORE lightheaded and dizzy. At work I thought I was going to hit the floor 3x today and I had eaten more calories before getting in to work at 11 than I usually have before 6pm! I typically have <500 cal a day during the week, but yesterday and today I had around 500cal before heading in to work, then I also had a snack at work. I feel sick to my stomach and like I could pass out at any moment right now and idk what gives.

My hungry holy grail! 😋
Created: Sun Jun 3 14:58:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8obn4z/my_hungry_holy_grail/

[Help] “i mean yeah i guess i fit the criteria but i’m not anorexic”
Created: Sun Jun 3 14:51:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oblda/i_mean_yeah_i_guess_i_fit_the_criteria_but_im_not/
so i googled the anorexia nervosa diagnosis requirements and:

1. Persistent restriction of energy intake leading to significantly low body weight (in context of what is minimally expected for age, sex, developmental trajectory, and physical health) .

2. Either an intense fear of gaining weight or of becoming fat, or persistent behaviour that interferes with weight gain (even though significantly low weight).

3. Disturbance in the way one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body shape and weight on self-evaluation, or persistent lack of recognition of the seriousness of the current low body weight.

so yes i restrict for several days at a time. yes i am terrified of gaining weight and my perception of what is fat has changed drastically (for one person. me). but i mean. am i really that underweight? do i *actually* have a problem?

what do you guys consider a “significantly low body weight”?

anyways the quote is from me because my best friend told me “you have a fucking problem and you need to get help.”

I’m so gross
Created: Sun Jun 3 14:28:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8obf8b/im_so_gross/
So I just tried a dress I had bought about 4 years ago with my spandex on under it. It fit! I thought I looked nice until I got in front of the fucking mirror. I was so LUMPY! My boobs and waist looked okay until you got to my muffin top. Then right around my hips curves in a tiny bit then BAM right to my fat fucking thighs. My body is literally shaped so weird. I tore that dress and tossed it to the back of my clothes. Maybe next year it’ll look okay...

I’m not hungry and I feel like a fraud
Created: Sun Jun 3 14:12:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8obb56/im_not_hungry_and_i_feel_like_a_fraud/
I ate about 900 calories today. OMAD. But I feel fucking full. And I feel like I under counted even tho I really don’t think I did.

If my stomach isn’t growling/I don’t feel empty I feel like a faker. And I hate it

Vent post (X-posted from ProEdMemes)
Created: Sun Jun 3 13:43:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ob3h8/vent_post_xposted_from_proedmemes/

Sometimes feel like restricting, sometimes don't
Created: Sun Jun 3 11:54:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8oab6l/sometimes_feel_like_restricting_sometimes_dont/
I'm curious to see if anyone else is like me.

Some days I feel like I'm getting fat and that I need to restrict my calories or only eat healthy safe foods. Some days I don't worry about my weight or calories. I love looking at tumblr thinspo or ana diets. Even when I want to starve my boyfriend won't allow it and makes me eat if he notices that I'm restricting. I used to be good at starving when I was all alone.

I am 5'7" and about 120 pounds.

I just binged, felt bad, and had the weirdest dream ever.
Created: Sun Jun 3 10:51:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9usp/i_just_binged_felt_bad_and_had_the_weirdest_dream/
I should preface this by saying that I never have dreams and it's just a black darkness for most nights. And it's a rarity to have one that I actually remember the next day and makes sense coherently.

Last night, I had binged for the second time. I was only supposed to eat one slice of vegetable pizza and some water, but I ended up eating a total of 4 slices of the gooey goodness, 10 fine hazelnut chocolates, a giant banana nut muffin, 4 chicken wings from Chilli's and a salad. I felt terrible. How could I let myself do this? I moped in my room about it for some time before going to bed. I wondered how my boyfriend could ever like a girl like me before going to sleep and I dozed off.

Next thing I knew, I was on a dirt trail lined with a few dark green bushes. The sky was a beautiful blue with a few white fluffy clouds.(Took a hike earlier that day IRL) I was walking with my boyfriend and a random girl from elementary school. Let's call her Alice. (Alice had never done anything to me in elementary school, was actually a pretty cool friend for a while.) We just talked for a while, walking along, when suddenly she explained to my boyfriend something. "If you had a choice between a beautiful princess (her) and an ugly witch (me), which one would you choose?" He didn't respond, but my brain's imagination ran with it. Alice challenged me to a duel at her place. It was at sunset.
I remember I was in a giant metal room with 6 lights on the ceiling, each in 3 giant clusters. I tried to escape, but the door was locked. There was a glass panel viewing room above me, where Alice was holding my boyfriend as a hostage. Suddenly, the lights went on, and lazers started dancing around. I panicked and started dodging them. Jumping, running, and rolling. This went on for a while, while Alice was gloating at me from above about my death to my boyfriend. Alice was teasing me, and I was very frustrated. Eventually, my foot got cut by a laser when I was dodging, and I fell. I couldn't get back up, and neither did I want to. I was exhausted. All I could think about was how I was unworthy of him and how nothing was going for me and I lost hope. The laser turned towards me and cut through my stomach, and I let it run through me. I felt the searing red laser burning through my back and organs in my body, and I screamed loudly as Alice cackled. I woke up midway through the laser, and I think I died.

... Jesus Christ, I never want to binge again. I'm going on a water fast today.

I think that pro ana communities are the only way I can keep control over what I eat
Created: Sun Jun 3 10:48:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9tyj/i_think_that_pro_ana_communities_are_the_only_way/
I joined pro ana communities for the first time 3 years ago and since then I tried to quit them over and over again because I was aware of the damage they could be and tried to lose/maintain my weight in a healthy way but I can't do it. Everytime I decide to stop looking for thinspiration I start to binge.

[Help] Why tf does cinnamon have so many calories???? Does anyone know why?
Created: Sun Jun 3 10:44:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9std/why_tf_does_cinnamon_have_so_many_calories_does/

[Rant/Rave] Little victory over body dysmorphia - and I got a cute pair of jeans out of it!
Created: Sun Jun 3 10:44:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9srz/little_victory_over_body_dysmorphia_and_i_got_a/
So I took some pictures of myself in 2 new pairs of jeans to compare them side by side and when I was wearing them I hated them both so much and felt like I couldn't find any good jeans to make my ass and legs look even ok because they're so big. I was going to return both pairs but missed the deadline because my life is a mess and thought I was just out the money on jeans I would never wear. Well a few weeks later I caught a glimpse of the pics in my gallery and thought they were of one of my friends that I'm super jealous of how hot she is BUT THEY WERE THE SAME PICS AS BEFORE. As in, I didn't realize the picture was of me and all of a sudden I thought the girl in the picture was wicked hot purely because I didn't think she was me. So now I'm just wicked happy and have a cute pair of jeans that I can feel confident in if I keep reminding myself of what they looked like when I didn't think I was the one wearing them. I know this is so small but I have been hunting for SO FUCKING LONG to find jeans I like and it's been a long time since I've lost significant weight and needed a win. Thanks for reading.

What’s wrong with me?
Created: Sun Jun 3 10:32:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9psi/whats_wrong_with_me/
I know that I’m at a “healthy” weight right now, but I just can’t believe I ever let myself get to this point. My max weight up until about 4 years ago was 110lb. I thought I was fat then, but now I realize I took it all for granted. I work a desk job for which I travel a lot and I’m tired all the time and I just can’t figure out a way to drop down to my previous weight again. I’ve been low-key “restricting” (i.e. eating very small portions/never finishing meals), but it’s almost impossible to avoid shitty food and binge-y dinners. I feel enormous. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel this way, but I feel like I won’t be able to feel good again until I’ve lost at least 25lbs.

[Discussion] had one last big meal last night. a sort of f*ck it, last hurrah thing.
Created: Sun Jun 3 10:18:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9lsn/had_one_last_big_meal_last_night_a_sort_of_fck_it/
My mom forced me to eat all these high calorie meals last night. I was so pissed, and of course we would have to eat in public. No faking eating there.

I came home last night and created a calendar for my fast and exercise I will be doing each day. I've planned out one week so far. I will not be eating in public under any circumstances. Enough is enough.

My mom is overweight. My sister is overweight. Most of my friends and family are overweight. I'm realizing that eating with them, regardless of how small the portions, will make me gain weight too.

Idk what the point of this post was, I just feel like talking about it. I sure as hell can't talk to my therapist about it, seeing as she's completely incompetent and tells my mother everything about my sessions, even though I don't discuss anything that suggests I'm anorexic or anything life threatening.

Anyways, calendar is planned out. All is good.

[Other] Why do people need to comment on other people’s methods?!
Created: Sun Jun 3 09:43:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9bs9/why_do_people_need_to_comment_on_other_peoples/
I was asked what I was going to have for lunch. I just replied “oh, I ate quite a lot at breakfast, so I think I’m just going to skip lunch today” (which was true). I was met with comments on how unhealthy it is to do that, how I can’t lose weight by skipping meals (erm, yes I can lol) and how I’m making myself sick.

How would they have reacted if I had told them I had fasted the day before?! I know I am restricting more than is considered “healthy” but I actually consider this to be the healthiest I’ve been in years. I was destroying myself by bingeing and bingeing for hours a day. The problem I have is that the more I hear that kind of thing, the more it triggers me to restrict more. I don’t want to flip in the other direction and become seriously underweight and I’m trying my best to add in some days where I don’t restrict too much (but still enough to keep losing). I want to be able to reach my goal and stop there. I just wish people would understand how much impact an off hand comment like that can make.

Created: Sun Jun 3 09:31:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o98p1/fingernails/
I think im starting to get the fingernail thing after my last fast. Pale ass and very obvious ring through my nail and its all pale after.

Painting my nails isnt an option, any other idea to keep this from being noticed?

Do you eat less or more when sad
Created: Sun Jun 3 09:10:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9370/do_you_eat_less_or_more_when_sad/

[Rant/Rave] I am never smoking again
Created: Sun Jun 3 09:07:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o92bn/i_am_never_smoking_again/
Long time lurker, first time poster. So Hi! 💜

Anyway, as the title suggest I am never smoking pot again. Fuck this shit, very seldom I can smoke and not binge. I have been restricting so well lately, all below 1000 calories and last night I fucking binged on **2100** calories. I could feel my body expanding and had a horrible time sleeping because of it. I hate it, I smoke to relax and this shit happens. Worst part is when I binge, i'm a total asshole to my poor boyfriend. So for the sake of losing weight and not lashing out at my bf, i'm finished with pot. Maybe once I reach my UGW i'll try again but for now, fuck getting high. 😭

can digital scales be wrong?
Created: Sun Jun 3 08:57:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o9029/can_digital_scales_be_wrong/
i just worked up the courage to weigh myself for the first time in several months, maybe even a year. The last weight I remember recording was 177lbs, but this morning I weighed 149lbs. this makes absolutely no sense because i was restricting like CRAZY when i weighed 177 and i’ve been eating anything and everything the past six months and some how i weigh 30 pounds less??

is it possible for a digital scale to be that wrong?

[Rant/Rave] I hate when others change plans and it messes up my food plans
Created: Sun Jun 3 08:56:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8zzc/i_hate_when_others_change_plans_and_it_messes_up/
I had my day all planned out:
One hard boiled egg for breakfast. Plenty of time to swim and burn a bunch of calories this morning and afternoon. Cookout with fam later, eating a bun less burger.

BUT, as soon as I eat my egg and prep to swim, I get a call that plans are changing. This involves less swim time and more time faced with food. Ugh. I could skip it all, but I like being social and I enjoy these annoying people most of the time.

I wish I hadn’t had the stupid egg and just jumped in the water first thing this morning.

Why are restaurants absolutely incapable of not saturating their food in oil and butter??
Created: Sun Jun 3 08:55:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8ztw/why_are_restaurants_absolutely_incapable_of_not/
Every single time I have to go out for dinner with my family I order a side of vegetables or just spinach, only to receive a bowl of melted butter with a leaf floating in it. I just want some fucking plants goddammit.

[Help] Constant spotting?
Created: Sun Jun 3 08:51:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8z2b/constant_spotting/
Hello sweet friends —

so I hit a low weight today (93 lbs) but have been struggling with daily spotting since i was around 100 or so. is this from restriction? i thought i would lose my period entirely at this point. I also have a mirena iud.

I’m getting very frustrated with this. I have ruined almost all of my underwear and sex makes the bleeding worse. I have a lot of anxiety around seeing doctors, but I did finally suck it the hell up and put my adult hat on &scheduled an appointment for my GP and my OBGYN this week.

Has anyone else with a low weight experienced near constant bleeding? Should I prepare myself for the feedback of the doctors being to gain weight? OR AM I DYING OF A RARE CANCER LIKE GOOGLE KEEPS TELLING ME (why do I do that to myself every time?)

thank you for any input you may have!

Stomach acidity during fasting?
Created: Sun Jun 3 08:50:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8yrf/stomach_acidity_during_fasting/
Whenever I fast, my stomach feels so acidic, like it's boiling or something. And it makes any food I eat after just.. gross. Sparkling water usually helps, but not much. Also, those little chalk tablet thingies.

Anyone else go through this? Any advice?

The most cringy ED "quotes" you've found online?
Created: Sun Jun 3 08:32:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8vo5/the_most_cringy_ed_quotes_youve_found_online/
Like "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"


"I didn't eat for 3 days so I could be lovely"

[Rant/Rave] i just want to feel normal again
Created: Sun Jun 3 08:23:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8twv/i_just_want_to_feel_normal_again/
ever since i entered this intense restriction phase things just dont feel the same anymore. idk if its the inevitable depression that comes with being in an unhealthy deficit or what but it feels like im in this weird parallel universe, like my entire perception is messed up. it sucks.

"You eat soo much sugar, but you're still so skinny!!"
Created: Sun Jun 3 07:24:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8hy6/you_eat_soo_much_sugar_but_youre_still_so_skinny/
For a little bit of background, I have had issues with disordered eating (or as my therapist puts it "anorexic tendencies") via restricting and overexercising for the past few years. I graduated college last month, and after a great vacation on the beach without phones, I decided to give recovery a genuine try.

So during the vacation I ate whatever I wanted, and when I got back I decided not to go into "restriction mode." I usually had around 108-107 being my goal, and 110 being the average. Currently I'm sitting at about 115, and have been since I got back from vacation and started my job. Some days are better than others, eating wise.

So yesterday I attended a street arts festival with 2 other couple friends of my husband and I's. We were in a book shop taking a break, and I bought a book and a vegan cookies and cream scone.

One of the girls, from these couples, let's call her June, then began saying the mentioned title, saying that she works so hard and can't eat that much without gaining. Then June laughed about how tiny my friend and I were, saying words like 'itty bitty,' and 'nothing there', touching my friends waist. I had to walk away and pretend to be into my book, but I felt sick.

Yeah, we ate alot of sugar that day, it was a arts and food festival ffs. We grabbed lunch, then we got stoned and so I split a shaved ice with the hubs to combat the cotton mouth. Then we got some fried Oreo's because we get the chance to eat fried oreos *maaaybe* twice a year, tops. Then I got a vegan cookies and cream scone because..I just wanted one, and isn't that how normal people decide they want to eat something?!? They just do it??

I feel like I made her sound awful, but I do want to disclaim that Jen's a wonderful girl. She's from Thailand originally, and english isn't her first language, and she didn't know about my issues because I didn't tell her. I believe none of it was malicious.

But since then I've been feeling really off. That evening I got a migraine so I had to go home early, and today I'm not good. I took a couple of laxatives this morning, and I've just been trying to stay hydrated so I don't feel hungry. I feel gross, I feel every fucking jiggle of my body, and I don't want to talk to anyone, or go out. I wanna lie and make my psychiatrist think I'm doing good enough to finally prescribe Adderall instead of mood stabilizers. I wanna do something that would make me puke, and I wanna binge every thing in this house.

TD;DR: I had an interaction yesterday that left me feeling real fucky and I don't know how to move past it. Help? Idk.

I feel like this is a win
Created: Sun Jun 3 07:07:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8em7/i_feel_like_this_is_a_win/
I went shopping online because I just got my first big girl job (at 25 lol took me a while) and I have zero clothes that can be considered “business casual.”

I ordered from a place called SheIn and it was literally the biggest blow to my self esteem. ***Stear clear of insta adds!!!!!!***

I ordered 10 shirts and all but one made me want to never show myself in public ever again. Ugh. I hate shopping 😭😭😭😭 but there was one shirt that wasn’t awful. It didn’t fit perfectly (I have really broad shoulders) but I know I’m losing weight and it will fit much better in about 5-7 pounds.

Anyways...I forgot to wash my ONE Sunday shirt!!!! Yes. One. 😂 (I’m a worship leader and pastors wife) I went into my closet and grabbed the shirt I didn’t return to SheIn. Last week, I couldn’t move my arms in this and [now it’s only slightly snug in the shoulder department!](https://imgur.com/a/4QYbokz) I actually started to cry. I have another Sunday shirt. And more motivation to keep losing 🙌🏼

[Thinspo] Looking for some good thinspo! I am kinda out of people and I would love to know who you guys find is the ultimate thinspo!
Created: Sun Jun 3 07:04:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8e1z/looking_for_some_good_thinspo_i_am_kinda_out_of/
I feel like I have bottomed out with some thinspo. I find I look for thinspo more between thin and bone. Any suggestions welcome!

[Rant/Rave] just some rant thing
Created: Sun Jun 3 06:42:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8a08/just_some_rant_thing/
i’m hiding under my covers because i don’t want to deal with the world right now.
in the last two hours i’ve eaten 1000+ calories and now my family are back earlier than i expected so i feel sad and sick i don’t want to go back to school and have exams and stress eat i hate the holidays i feel like i don’t get anything done.
i feel like the only person in exam season right now that would rather be at school than at home because i hate mine so much.

Daily Food Diary! June 03, 2018
Created: Sun Jun 3 06:11:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o84t3/daily_food_diary_june_03_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for June 03, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

Sunday: Share your latest grocery+food hauls!
Created: Sun Jun 3 06:11:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o84sf/sunday_share_your_latest_groceryfood_hauls/
Feel welcome to post pics of your latest and greatest hauls~! Consider adding commentary on:

* what country you're in
* what store, site, market or Co-op you shopped at
* how much you spent or any sweet deals you found

i wish my body had a forecast so i would just be able to check wtf its planning on doing
Created: Sun Jun 3 06:01:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o8377/i_wish_my_body_had_a_forecast_so_i_would_just_be/
58% water retention today!

period showers expected to start on tuesday, moved up from friday!

80% chance of pooping at 9am tomorrow!

like please?

[Other] Positive weekend
Created: Sun Jun 3 03:43:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o7jp0/positive_weekend/
I just finished a 21 km run and now I’m amazed by my body for being able to do this. I guess it’s not a complete piece of shit. Also I was visiting my family this weekend and I did NOT binge which is super surprising.

On Friday I was out with friends and I ordered a Diet Coke. When the waiter came to our table he jokingly said it’s a normal coke. It was a Diet Coke but I almost lost my shit. Stuff like this is not funny.

What things did you guys accomplish this weekend?

[Discussion] How do you deal with headaches from fasting
Created: Sun Jun 3 03:31:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o7i18/how_do_you_deal_with_headaches_from_fasting/
Now, I'm not pro\-ana and asking you all how to fast. I know this is not what the subreddit supports.

I get bad headaches, even if I only go like the day without eating good, just 12 hours or something. I can't stand the headaches most of the time and eat something and they usually go away. Does anyone else experience this? I am really against taking any pain medication. I try to drink as much as I can during the day as well but still I get headaches.

anyone elses parents making harm reduction nearly impossible?
Created: Sun Jun 3 02:08:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o771d/anyone_elses_parents_making_harm_reduction_nearly/
is anyone else in a situation where they cant try to have small but nutritionally balanced portions? i can only eat foods that are low calorie so i can make it look like im eating a "normal" portion (side note, the "normal" portions are huge in my family), which means im eating mainly vegetables and lacking protein (and other nutrients) , which makes me feel like shit and hungry most of the time. i cant buy fatfree yogurt or just have a small cube of cheese without having to hear that im starving myself. my mother doesnt want me cooking my own meals and i dont have the money to do my own grocery shopping. my mother also adds unneccesary calories when cooking so even traditionally low cal foods make me go over my cal limit, so i dont have any cals left to have healthy snacks to try to get some nutrients im lacking. supplements would raise questions and im not willing to spend money on those. idk, im just angry rn

mom, stop
Created: Sun Jun 3 01:01:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o6xq3/mom_stop/
i want to be skinny, so clearly i must be an anorexic

i had one shot of rum, so clearly im turning into an alcoholic

what the fuck. i need to move out...

Girl at work is making life hard
Created: Sun Jun 3 00:28:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o6sla/girl_at_work_is_making_life_hard/
I literally feel like a child rn. I feel like I've "aged out" of my ed. I guess anxiety meds have helped. It always was 10000% about control for me. Looking attractive and sexy as well. But I have major control issues. I guess in my somewhat adult life, I've just found other things to obsess over and control. Work. My partner. Sometimes I go back to my body. Sometimes other things about myself. It cycles. It's all about balance right? That's healthy?

What I'm saying is I feel like I don't belong here, because my ED isnt all consuming like it once was. It's just a bad habit that I find myself leaning on once and awhile for comfort. But then I feel weak, and not in the way I like, for not being able to stick to something even if it's bad for me.

Anyway. I've started a new job recently. A sort of shit job, a downgrade, but it's good. Things are good, so I should be happy. My fiancé is now the bread winner so I took on a less stressful, lower paying job. I should be happy, right?

I work in a gas station in a white trash disgusting town. The people are disgusting. I count the calories in their disgusting food. I take home gross food to binge and keep getting fatter. There's one woman who comes in at least once a week who has an eating disorder. She's literally my goal body. She buys nothing but gas and giant bottles of water. Today I saw her check out the labels on some new snack food and then put it back and not buy it. I brought food home and picked a fight with my fiance. Asked him for half an hour what he finds sexy in a woman. I feel so petty and immature and I hate myself. I just feel like I've changed. IDK it's like being a recovered alcoholic who sometimes gets drunk but is pretty okay but then sees someone having the time of their life binge drinking and misses it even though its bad. I feel myself slipping back into it immediately, but I know I'm too pathetic these days to even keep a bad habit anymore.

Feeling 'vulgar' at higher weights?
Created: Sun Jun 3 00:22:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o6rm8/feeling_vulgar_at_higher_weights/
I really hope some of y'all can relate, since I'm not sure if this is a trans thing or an ED thing. At higher weights, I tend to see my body as vulgar, Basically, I feel like a sex doll. I know this is irrational, because I fit in men's jeans and shirts, but that doesn't make the feeling go away, you know? I keep seeing my boobs as huge, my thighs as thick and my face as rounded and cute, wihch makes me want to die.

I genuinely believe weightloss is going to help with my dysphoria. It'll have to take fat from the boobs at one point, right? It can't just keep making my waist smaller. That's what motivates me at the moment, anyways.

[Rant/Rave] went to a reunion and NOBODY recognized me
Created: Sun Jun 3 00:03:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o6omq/went_to_a_reunion_and_nobody_recognized_me/
So to start I'm a 5' 9", 21 y/o F.

I went to a debutant ball tonight which is sort of a reunion sort of deal as they're usually held right before senior year of high school. I was really anxious bc high school was really rough for me. When I graduated high school I was 210 lbs (HW). Now I'm 140 lbs. Literally nobody except my friends that I kept in contact with recognized me. Literally I felt like I was on cloud 9 it was so good. One girl stopped me and was like "wait...... are you...... are you commandermel?" She was so shocked and that was a huge confidence boost.

All in all tonight turned out to be really nice!!

Can it even be considered the weekend if I don't hate myself at some point?
Created: Sat Jun 2 23:41:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o6l6h/can_it_even_be_considered_the_weekend_if_i_dont/
Tune in next weekend to find out, because I've already completely disappointed myself.

Is 130 the cursed weight or something
Created: Sat Jun 2 22:56:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o6dkp/is_130_the_cursed_weight_or_something/
I have been stuck just above 130 lbs for 5 months now. And it IS my fault but GOD I just plateau every single fucking time I hit 130\-131 for an entire week and just give up, gain 9 lbs of water weight, lose it, rinse and repeat. I've experienced plateaus coming from 159 to 140 but I'm so sick and tired of being in the 130s range. I remember thinking the same thing when I couldn't break out of the 140s range, and I'm finally out of it, but it's so damn tiring this time around. I'm gonna NOT try to fuck myself over with the "screw it, it's not happening let's just eat whatever I want" mentality anymore. But please.... body I want to see the 120s ONCE in my life before I die thanks.

[Discussion] How to completely deplete my appetite?
Created: Sat Jun 2 22:36:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o69zr/how_to_completely_deplete_my_appetite/
My central quandary is that I am always hungry, so, how do I completely suppress my appetite so I can effectively starve? Thanks.

It feels awesome when another proED person says this in a non ed related sub, then begins to pm you to continue the harassment.
Created: Sat Jun 2 22:34:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o69me/it_feels_awesome_when_another_proed_person_says/

[Rant/Rave] I don’t know if I have an eating disorder and I’m too afraid to find out.
Created: Sat Jun 2 22:33:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o69et/i_dont_know_if_i_have_an_eating_disorder_and_im/
I feel as if I’m not actually doing anything unhealthy but I’m miserable and self-hating. I vary wildly between eating 800 calories or binging and eating >2000. I’ve lost 30 pounds since January and I think I’m supposed to feel better about myself now, but whereas I was relatively comfortable with myself before now I see myself as a fat sack of shit even though I’ve lost weight. I can never stop thinking that it’s not enough and that I’m not doing enough. I have never been more self-conscious than I do now even though everyone tells me how good I look now. Even the feeling of having a full stomach (not an over-full stomach) makes me feel like a failure. I also compulsively try to purge when I overeat, but I’m never able to actually make anything come up. But I still try every single time and then beat myself up for not being able to.

I relate to so much of what I see in this sub, but I’ve lost weight at a healthy rate (when averaged out, but I typically lose 2-3 pounds in a week when I’m restricting and then gain it back binging the next week, and repeat). And on an average day I eat 1200-1400 calories, which is healthy for my height but I still hate myself for eating that much. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like such a failure for not losing weight more quickly, and I hate myself for it. I don’t think that it’s healthy but I’m afraid to ask a doctor about it.

I can’t make myself throw up?
Created: Sat Jun 2 22:05:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o63z9/i_cant_make_myself_throw_up/
I always ALWAYS try, when I eat a lot of food. I can get up a mouthful and then nothing else. I have a gag reflex, but nothing substantial ever comes up. Can anyone give me tips for how to get more up? I usually use my fingers to trigger the gag reflex but I’ve also used the end of my toothbrush. I just want all this fucking food out of me

[Rant/Rave] Torturing myself
Created: Sat Jun 2 22:02:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o639u/torturing_myself/
I FINALLY was able to use someone's scale. Guess what! 140lbs! So so happy, Its the lowest I've been in the last 2 1/2 years! But then what do I do? Binge binge binge... I'm so sad. I'm only 5'1 1/2 I'm not tall enough for the weight I'm at now :( god I just want to get out of this obesity stage... feel like I probably already gained that stubborn 5 back (logically I'm sure I haven't) god why am I like this.

[Tip] Extremely Normal ED behaviour of the day: slowly lick steviol from your palm to curb hunger
Created: Sat Jun 2 21:51:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o616s/extremely_normal_ed_behaviour_of_the_day_slowly/

[Discussion] What’s something strange/unexpected that you find super triggering?
Created: Sat Jun 2 21:50:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o6106/whats_something_strangeunexpected_that_you_find/
I was watching Friends today and the episodes that have “fat Monica” binge eating contrastes against so-thin-you-can-see-her-chestbones “normal Monica” simultaneously makes me want to binge and never eat again. So I’m curious- what are some strange or unexpected that you find triggering?

[Goal] Small NSV!
Created: Sat Jun 2 21:37:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o5yea/small_nsv/
(non scale victory).... literally!!

I've only been weighing myself once every three days for the past fortnight. I normally weigh myself three times a day every day.

It's been scary and really hard, but it's one of the baby side steps I've been making into recovery :)

I am currently losing weight to get back into my safe zone (am 51currently need to be between 49.9-48) but am hopeful not weighing myself as much will be helpful for when I am maintaining again :)

I am taller than I thought I was
Created: Sat Jun 2 21:27:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o5wfp/i_am_taller_than_i_thought_i_was/
Only by 1 cm lmao, but anything helps at this point.

[Rant/Rave] i wish i could binge and purge without any consequences
Created: Sat Jun 2 21:18:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o5uma/i_wish_i_could_binge_and_purge_without_any/
lots of normal people wish they could eat anything they want without weight gain, risk of obesity related diseases, etc. honestly..i wish i could binge and purge without fucking myself up. mind you, i haven't binged and purged for a month or so \(but i still restrict :/. ednos, am i right?\). i mean...how great would it be if i could just eat 70$ worth of junk food in one sitting and puke my guts out without feeling like i'm slowly dying?

I physically can’t see weight fluctuations
Created: Sat Jun 2 19:39:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o5acc/i_physically_cant_see_weight_fluctuations/
When you reach your main goal weight and lose 8kg but don’t look any different. I know I’m smaller cause clothes fit drastically differently and the number says so too. But I just feel like I look the exact same as before. I never saw myself gain the weight and still can’t see myself lose the weight.

Trying to recover but the weight loss is starting to show
Created: Sat Jun 2 19:39:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o5ab1/trying_to_recover_but_the_weight_loss_is_starting/
How does this keep on happening?

I don't have a scale (parents hid it I think) but the last time I weighed myself I was 95ish. I've got to be at least 90 now, maybe less. Probably less. Idk.

I didn't *mean* for this to happen. I really didn't. It always ends up like this: I slowly eat less and less without noticing how my portions are shrinking... until I realize it, but by then it's too late and I'm afraid to eat again.

What the hell do I do? My mom is starting to notice. *I'm* starting to notice. I'm... I'm really skinny. This from someone who is literally unable to see her body objectively. My bones poke through and my legs are tiny. It's unnatural for my body to the point where body-dysmorphia-afflicted me can see it. But I can't stop.

I have to stop, though. I can't stop but I have to. I want to, but I've already gotten so attached to this tiny body and addicted to starving. Every time I recover. Why does it always end up like this?

I'll try again tomorrow, just like I do every day. I'll really try. Please, can't it just be easier than this? Why am I so terrified by the concept of- gasp- *not* being skeletal? What the hell is so scary about eating at or above maintenance calories? Who cares if I don't feel starving before I let myself eat?

Argh. I need to get my act together, and soon, or else all hell will break lose with my mom. I still have a whole year left to live at home, and I'd like to do so without anorexia ruining it every few months. Does anyone have any advice that could possibly help me at all?

A semicoherent rant about depression and similar shit.
Created: Sat Jun 2 19:29:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o58bw/a_semicoherent_rant_about_depression_and_similar/
I have no friends, no hobbies, no worthwhile experiences to look back on and none to anticipate, and it's always been like this, me desperately trying to fill my empty life with daydreams and promises that it'll get better. I've seen a shitload of therapists, but the only ones willing to see me pro bono have the bare minimum in terms of credentials and it's readily apparent. I'm never going to be able to afford better. My ED is the most satisfying thing in my life, but I can't even fully immerse myself in that because I'm never alone. I live in a one room motel with my family and the complete lack of privacy makes me feel like a caged animal on the verge of a breakdown. Nothing interests me whatsoever, people and activities alike. I don't think I'm capable of wanting and being wanted. I feel certain there's something fundamentally different about me that has marked me as indefinably wrong, and it's probably that unseemly mix of self\-loathing and self\-obsession that's so repellant. Considering how detached I feel from people, I'm not sure why I want to be loved at all. It probably wouldn't impact me, but it's fun to dream. My life consists of alternating between sleeping and aimlessly browsing the internet, then checking my phone and realizing the day is over, and that tomorrow and every day following I'll be looking down at the time and thinking precisely the same thing. It's cyclic, it's mind numbing, it's excruciating. I just want to check out of my life.

Created: Sat Jun 2 19:11:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o54mi/fuck/
i'm not really sure what to title this post and i guess it's not totally ED related but i feel like people here will understand best? i just feel like my life is completely over. when i was younger (in high school) i would wake up at 6 to go to school, get home at 5, study until 10 quite frequently, while also maintaining friendships, a relationship and working. there was a time when i was like that in uni too for a while, working my ass off, balancing school/social life/health and just being exactly who i wanted to be. i was a nursing student. i used to be a girl guide (girl scouts in some countries), go camping, swim outdoors in the summer, walk everywhere, make friends, get involved in clubs, volunteer, and was super active in the lgbt community. i was super independent and a great friend. i struggled with depression since 16 and ED since at least 14 and although i fell down a lot i would always be able to get back up.

i ended up going through a tough time when a bunch of stressful life events (including my parents divorcing and basically ceasing to be able to help me in any way) all happened at once and i became physically sick from it, too sick to carry on with school and almost too sick to work. i tried to pull it together but it was basically a disaster, i tried to go back to school and couldn't do it, tried to work and that fell apart, i had multiple unstable housing situations during that time that i don't want to go into but during the beginning of this time i was raped and as a result struggle with PTSD.

now i'm obese, haven't worked in 2 years, i'm tired all the time, rarely go out, i don't do any of the things i used to love and be passionate about, i'm living with my straight partner (we are legally married to take advantage of some financial stuff but the real wedding hasn't happened yet). it's constantly one crisis after another with money. my partners family of origin are abusive, his mother is diagnosed with a personality disorder but i don't believe she's the only one with something like that-- she ruminates on imaginary problems and gets the whole family gossiping and the fact i don't want to participate in this shit makes me a target. my fiance/husband is fucking broken from all this, the amount of things i have had to teach him that a parent needs to teach their child to be a functional adult is truly disgusting, i feel sick even thinking about these people and the way they treat us contributes massively to my binge eating, and triggers the fuck out of my ptsd so i'm constantly trapped in this feeling and can't break out of it and take a stand for myself.

I was decluttering last night and found a bunch of birthday party invitations and other crap like that from elementary school, and it broke my heart remembering that i used to be social butterfly and basically friends with everyone and now i feel so alone-- i used to have my sights set on these big career aspirations that would help me change people's lives and i literally don't know how to even get a job with such a big gap in my resume now.

I guess i kind of just want commiseration but if anyone on here happens to be really talented with job hunt type of stuff and know how i could maybe start working again, part time so i don't burn out and die, i would super appreciate some advice. i just seriously miss myself if that makes sense and i want to be that person again one day :'(

[Rant/Rave] From 79lbs up to 110 in 4 months. HELP. I've never been this depressed.
Created: Sat Jun 2 19:08:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o543o/from_79lbs_up_to_110_in_4_months_help_ive_never/
So I was involuntarily admitted at the end of January after a medical incident at work. Ended up in a residential center, put the work in to get out of there and thought I could manage.

But this is fucking insane. I'm absolutely miserable. Not just because of how I look. I'm so fatigued, it's like the extra weight is literally weighing me down, I'm eating everything in sight (because I'm a fat ass already), my hair is falling out by the handfuls. I'm so so depressed. It makes me so sad to realize how happy I was before, only to have it taken away from me. I had prospects, I was confident, would go in public.

Now, I'm considering breaking up with my boyfriend because I literally can't stand him touching or looking at me, I leave the house once a week because I have to and I'm so so tired.

I feel like if I could get down to 95-100, I could manage. I realize I took it too far last time, and I'm very lucky to be alive. But to me this is not living.

How do you stop the binge cycle after recovery. How can I "safely" get my weight down as quickly as possible? I'm losing my fucking mind over here with this 1.5 lb a week then ruining it all with 10,000 binges.

Help. Help. Help.

I have to stop drinking for five days
Created: Sat Jun 2 18:56:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o51m1/i_have_to_stop_drinking_for_five_days/
After several weeks of extreme binging, I've gained eight pounds and feel miserable. I've been restricting at 650 to 850 calories per day the last week, about 600 of which have been alcohol. I drink every day. I look forward to the time that I can start drinking and base my caloric intake on how many beers I want to allow myself.

I've been involved in a longitudinal family study since I was maybe nine years old. They contact me every three years to conduct some brain wave tests and a two hour interview with a psychologist. I'm going in next week for the study and was just going over my paperwork. I completely forgot that the study requires you to abstain from alcohol for five days prior.

I'm nervous as fuck. But also kind of excited to see if I can do it and the effect it will have on my deficit, considering that the vast majority of my calories are from alcohol. I guess I'm posting this for accountability and also because I love you guys and see you all as my friends, even though we've never met. So, thank you for reading. Love you,

How to raise blood pressure?
Created: Sat Jun 2 18:39:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o4y0t/how_to_raise_blood_pressure/
Every time I stand up/do anything in the heat I get very dizzy and faint and I'm pretty certain it's because my blood pressure is tanking.

Can anyone offer tips on how to get it up?

[Discussion] DAE measure their success with weekly calorie averages?
Created: Sat Jun 2 18:32:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o4wkw/dae_measure_their_success_with_weekly_calorie/
In a way to keep myself sane, I take my calories/weight loss by week instead of by day. For example, I’ll add up the total calories I’ve had over 7 days, then divide it by 7 to get an average.

I try to keep my average between 900 and 1200. I’m often very sporadic with my daily intakes, so I can have a 1500 calorie day, a 1000 calorie day, 700 calorie day, etc. wherein the lower calorie days compensate for the higher calorie ones if that makes any sense?

Idk it helps me from binging huge amounts cause I refuse to “start fresh tomorrow”; It also keeps me from beating myself up too much over eating more than planned, because it feels like a safety net if I have a low calorie day(s) in my week.

I’ll still freak out and attempt to purge if I eat more than 1200 cals sometimes but overall having averages keeps me a little more grounded.

[Discussion] DAE pee 24/7 from all the liquid they drink?
Created: Sat Jun 2 18:17:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o4t6m/dae_pee_247_from_all_the_liquid_they_drink/
😂 😂 😂 😂

[Help] Medicines to help with anger/semi-depression that don’t cause weight gain?
Created: Sat Jun 2 18:12:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o4s1u/medicines_to_help_with_angersemidepression_that/
I’m coming to the realization that I have some sort of issue regarding my mood and need to get it taken care of. I have a form of depression. Adhd meds don’t help, mane my skin disgusting, and I feel angry and sad and crazy on the comedown.

I am a mess.

I am scared to regularly take wellbutrin, even though I have some,
because the potential seizure side-effects.....

Something that exhausts me
Created: Sat Jun 2 17:46:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o4mh8/something_that_exhausts_me/
I stopped weighing because I'm afraid, but I fit in a size 6 now. I still feel like I'm huge, and I think I'm starting to see the beginning of loose skin. I feel lost, I don't know how much longer I have to restrict and I'm upset because I still look like a fucking lump despite how long I've been trying. Obviously this whole thing is self-serving, but every time I look for ideal body types, they seem to be size xs or 4. They never fucking list their weight. How am I supposed to know what I should aim for if I don't know it? i can trust their size or appearance unless I can associate it with a reasonable number. And when they do list it, sometimes it's a blatant lie. Do u REALLY expect me to believe that this 5'5 goddess wearing a 2 is 120 pounds?? Especially when it's asia-based models. They/their managers will lie right to ur face about how much they weigh and what they eat daily.

I'm just exasperated. I can't trust my own eyes to tell me when I'll look normal. I need the numbers. I promised myself I would use the scale again when I had a set goal weight, because now 120 feels too high. Honestly I would be fine weighing 300 pounds if it somehow made me look normal!!!! U know what I mean?? I just want a number! That's gonna tell me when I look beautiful and worthy of things like kindness and food and a future.

Experiences with transitioning from high school to college/moving away from home?
Created: Sat Jun 2 17:43:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o4lv4/experiences_with_transitioning_from_high_school/
I really have no idea how I’m going to cope or handle with my ED when I’m in college. I’ll be studying for nursing but I don’t know what to expect or how my ED is going to act/change in response to such a big environment change?

My parents are pretty toxic so I’m really curious if I’ll be one of those kids who just goes *crazy* in college. For example, when kids who have really strict parents go off to college, they don’t know their limits when they drink for the first time so they always get black out drunk every time. I wonder if my ED will spiral out of control now that I can go crazy by having control of my life for once? My parents are extremely unhealthy and always say we “can’t afford to eat healthy” and they don’t like when I exercise (take a walk out with my dog) because they’re worried about me getting an ED (haha... nope... I already have one from them being overbearing in literally every aspect of my life.) So maybe I’ll finally be able to start working out without being judged. Or maybe I’ll start to recover and enjoy going out to restaurants with friends like everyone else does. Or maybe I won’t make any friends. I’ll be lonely, and I’ll just binge-eat without compensating by restricting or purging since my parents who always shame me won’t be around anymore.

Does anyone mind sharing how their first year of college went and how their lifestyles changed? What was your ED like when you were living with your parents vs what happened when you moved away? I know everyone is going to be different but I’m so scared about the future honestly and it’d help a lot to read other people’s experiences.

"I thought you were their friend!"
Created: Sat Jun 2 17:01:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o4c35/i_thought_you_were_their_friend/
I met up with my parents for drinks last night, and later my aunt and uncle and my aunt's sister came. The sister hasn't seen me in a good 4 years, in which time I've lost almost 100 pounds and just generally matured in looks. She legitimately didn't recognize me, my aunt had to tell her who I was! She hugged me and (drunkenly lmao) told me how gorgeous and "skinny" I was, and she just kept saying it all night. Def an ego boost, but also embarrassing to think about how I probably looked then :/

[Help] Any “safe” foods to get at Applebee’s?
Created: Sat Jun 2 16:57:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o4bak/any_safe_foods_to_get_at_applebees/
I already ate a really filling lunch (veggie broth with Napa cabbage, tons of hot sauce, and shirataki noodles yum! My fave) but now there’s a last minute change of plans.

My roommate and I are going out with a long time friend we haven’t seen in a while, so I can’t flake, but instead of what we had originally planned they really want to go to Applebee’s. The friend doesn’t have one where they’re from so I don’t really want to say no for no good reason.

Anyways, we’re planing to go during happy hour. Like 9 ish, so it won’t look too weird to not eat dinner. I’m planning on drinking unsweetened iced tea and ordering maybe an app to pick at so it doesn’t look odd I’m not eating.

Anyone have any good advice on what to get? Or what to say if they ask why I’m not eating?

My roomate knows I only had the soup for lunch and thinks I had a workout smoothie for breakfast (just electrolyte juice) so I can’t say I’m full from a big dinner or anything.

What sugar substitute do you recommend for cooking and baking?
Created: Sat Jun 2 16:36:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o46fd/what_sugar_substitute_do_you_recommend_for/
Stevia? Truvia? Splenda? I've seen a few people say that some sugar substitutes get a horrible texture and flavor once you try to use it for baking. I want to try them out but I'm not sure what kind. What have your experiences with them been?

40 days. 40 lbs.
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:40:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3tmt/40_days_40_lbs/
Yes, I'm totally insane. No, I don't actually care.

I've been successful with lb-per-day losses in the past by restricting and exercising. I plateau, then I whoosh, and it cycles on and on like this until the big day comes and I ultimately hit my goal or even fall below it.

I lose even more when I fast completely so I'll definitely do that intermittently. What can I say... I have plenty of fat to live off of...

There is no way in hell I would ever encourage or condone this behavior for someone at a normal weight or lower. But it's worked for me before and I'll do anything to be at least somewhat comfortable being photographed in a strapless dress in 40 days (that is, if my upcoming trial goes as planned and I'm not in jail...)

I'm taking supplements and staying hydrated. Keeping my electrolytes up. Pulling out all the stops and being as diligent as possible. I cant-- no, I WON'T-- allow myself miss out on yet another family gathering or summer event because I'm too ashamed of my body to dress for the occasion and risk it being immortalized on film.

40 days. 40 lbs.

The past few weeks have been on course with my plan and I feel the old familiar restless high that comes with restricting food. I feel alive again. I can actually drag myself out of bed and put on running shoes. I can't actually turn down my boyfriend's insistent offers of junk food. I'm happy and hopeful for the future for the first time in a long time. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Always hungry but always full
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:38:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3t3y/always_hungry_but_always_full/
Ugh fucking hate myself. No matter how much fucking food I stuff down my throat, how bloated, disgusting, fat I feel, I always still want food no matter what. I try to drink water, eat more protein and fibre, everything. Nothing works and I'm always hungry. Can anyone else relate?

I have become a complete moron
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:37:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3t0y/i_have_become_a_complete_moron/
So, I've been restricting pretty low for the past month or so to try and fix some of the damage (fat, lol) from a pretty hardcore binge cycle and I'm just really struggling with brain fog. I find myself forgetting what I'm saying mid-sentence, having trouble completing really simple tasks, and even driving has been difficult. Any tips?

Water fast
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:36:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3sr2/water_fast/
Does drinking "zero calroies" drinks during a water fast like Coke zero ruin the whole point of it?

[Help] Why Do I Still Get A Period?
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:26:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3qd4/why_do_i_still_get_a_period/
Hey guys. I have a weird question. I get a period every month even though I am underweight (5'2, 93 lbs). I am 24, have been on the combo birth control pill Sprintec since I was 18. Am I not at a low enough BMI to lose my period? Or will I always get a period no matter my weight because I'm on the pill? I'm really confused and I am highly considering switching birth control methods because of this. Thanks for any help. ❤

[Other] “Pure” vs “Dirty” Foods
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:23:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3pp8/pure_vs_dirty_foods/
I work in an American food store, and after a night of binging and consequently throwing up my innards into a toilet bowl. I’m hungry. I get into work and with a renewed energy towards restricting, I find one of our low(ish) cal snacks - Pop Corners sea salt flavour (110cal), it, along with some diet cola, has now come into my possession.

Now this rambly introduction leads into my bigger point. The packaging boasts about its “wholesome taste” because its only made with three ingredients and is GMO free. But that seems like a weird way to put it, just like the boxes of La Croix say how they’re 100% innocent. There seems to me to be this weird idea that these foods are pure and innocent and wholesome and if you eat it you’ll be like that too. But if you eat shitty Kraft Mac’n’Cheese in a cup that’s dirty and devilish.

It’s the same with “cheat” days and meals. It adds a weird moral to food and eating that I don’t really like. It makes me feel bad. I regret eating these weird popcorn chips.

[Discussion] Clothing predicament
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:19:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3onw/clothing_predicament/
Does anyone else experience this? If I wear loose and baggy clothes, it’s not flattering and I look like a bulging sack of shit, so over the day I get more and more triggered and hate myself.

If I wear tight clothes, it’s not flattering and I look like a too tight bulging sack of shit and I’m aware of every single bump and ugh.

Basically, I can’t win. Putting on clothes makes me want to die. This is hell.

Finally waking up from denial and it sucks
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:15:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3nrb/finally_waking_up_from_denial_and_it_sucks/
Like, I logically know I'm teetering bw overweight and obese but I seriously just realized how fat I really am. This isnt a BDD thing, I think I was just in denial. Like how did I even live my life at almost 200lbs? How did I let it get this bad? I've been chillin at home in my undies bc its been hot and I just cant believe how HUGE my gut is. TMI: Logically I knew that I couldnt see my vagina when I looked down and when I shave I have to move my gut outta the way. How did I not attempt to fix this sooner? I'm feeling overwhelmed. There have been some times in the last year I felt I looked okay and that was just major denial about how fat I am. Facing the truth sucks.

I'm literally so fucking fat. I just had a HUGE wake up call about it.
Created: Sat Jun 2 15:14:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3nlz/im_literally_so_fucking_fat_i_just_had_a_huge/
I'm 5'5 and probably around 240 lbs. I knew that after my severe binge eating time period that I had gotten big, but I finally saw how big I actually am and I'm having a freak out. I'm on day 4 of a fast (absolute last resort to reset my eating habits and mindset) and this realization I had is making me want to panic, binge, and give up. How do I stand myself in this fat body? How do I deal that people probably see me as an embarrassment and disgusting? I've seen people do 28 day fasts and lose 30-40 lbs. I feel like that's what I need.

Binged, wasted food and money. FML.
Created: Sat Jun 2 14:18:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3aix/binged_wasted_food_and_money_fml/
Uughh sorry this is just going to be a rant. Double sorry for it being so long. Bare with me please

I just ordered £25 worth of fucking binge food. A chocolate ice cream sundae, waffles with chocolate sauce and cream and a mint chocolate milkshake with brownie pieces. I COULD NOT stop myself. I sat there staring at my computer mouse hovering on the confirm order button for about 20 mins. And I was just like 'fuck it I don't even care. I want it.'

So I got it and straight away I felt so anxious. I was from Deliveroo and I haven't ordered from there before. Somehow it made me way more ashamed and socially anxious to have someone cycle and bring it rather than normal takeaways? I was just sitting there heart going crazy saying 'I want to die. I wanting to fucking die' over and over trying not to have a panic attack.

Then I realised I fucked up my address so I had to live chat with customer services :( THEN the delivery guy got lost so he called me and I had to TALK to him :'( And he I ordered so much he thought it was for a group...

So I got it ate a third the sundae, a third of the waffle a couple sips of the milkshake and I felt so sick I couldn't keep going. I don't even really like sweet things so I don't even know why I ordered this rather than something else??

I felt so disgusted with myself and so sick. I couldn't handle even smells it or having it near me. I sprayed it with kitchen cleaner and threw it in the outside bin. I NEVER waste food. EVER. I force myself to eat binge food I bought because the guilt of wasting food and money it too much. But I did.

Then I wanted to try and purge again (only tried once, couldn't, posted here and got great support and advice to not go down that road.) But thiinking of that advice I got from you guys I managed not to.

So now I'm just sipping diet coke to great the sickly sweetness and sick feeling away. Feeling so guilty and ashamed and anxious. My chest is really tight and I have that cold stomach dropping feeling. Writing this just to get the feelings out and distract myself.

Plus I feel like a total fake and that I don't even have an ED.

I dunno, hope you guys are having a better day than me :)

[Rant/Rave] When a safe food becomes a binge food
Created: Sat Jun 2 13:56:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o3530/when_a_safe_food_becomes_a_binge_food/

[Discussion] DAE get positive results from doing something different, so you obsessively have to do it every day from that day on?
Created: Sat Jun 2 13:06:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o2sw2/dae_get_positive_results_from_doing_something/
(Sorry for my daily posts. I’m just finding a lot of comfort in this sub right now.)

I find weird plateau busters and things I do that yield stupid amounts of weight loss the next day. I do A LOT of them on a daily basis, but for the sake of the post, I’ll share about the sauna.

Started going to the sauna at night during college, and noticed I’d wake up to huge losses the next day. Like the whoosh affect but every night. Well once I made the connection, I never stopped. I’ve been going to the sauna every single night for the last 5 years. If I can’t go? I freak the eff out. And now? I started going once early in the morning and then once at night.

Same goes with step counts. Hours of sleep. Amount of water I drink. Calories I eat. Food timing. Supplements. The list is endless.

My OCD just takes over. The frequency grows over time (in terms of visits to sauna, hours of sleep, water consumed, steps taken) and sometimes decreases over time (like my calories, and ending my eating window earlier and earlier). It’s like...I can only lower the amount of calories I eat a day for so long, until it’s zero. Then days. Then weeks.

I just look at my situation and wish I could exit this crazy circle I’m running in.

*Ya know???*

The Downside of Compliments.
Created: Sat Jun 2 12:50:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o2p0n/the_downside_of_compliments/
I always stop losing after getting compliments. I'm 5'1" and 108 pounds. I suppose that's considered skinny to some people or at least, the people around me. My family knows that I'm still trying to lose weight and they always say something among the lines of "How much more are you going to lose? You're already skinny, that's enough". Honestly speaking it does feel good to hear but I know I'll use what they said as an excuse to eat more.

Thankfully I only ever eat at maintenance but I'm scared I'll mess up one day and gain weight. At least at a deficit, even if I do over eat, it'll balance out. And the worst thing about this is that I know damn well I'll regret it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe even months after. I'll regret eating like this and lengthening the days 'till I reach my GW.

I'm aiming to lose 9 more pounds (finally, 99 pounds!!!) which I know wouldn't take long for some/most of you guys but I make pretty slow progress. I've lost 22 pounds overall and that took me about 9 months to do. The thing is it's only getting slower since my bmr is getting lower. I'm aiming to lose the extra 9 pounds by the very VERY realistic goal of the end of September but knowing me, I'll most likely even mess that up.

A lot of people tend to get more motivated after getting compliments and I know that there are many out there who are like me that rewards themselves after receiving a  compliment too but I wish I wasn't like that and instead have self control and be consistent of my weight loss (ーー゛)

Walked for 11 km today
Created: Sat Jun 2 12:43:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o2ncc/walked_for_11_km_today/
I burned about 450 calories but i ate a traditional dish with rice and i didnt know the exact calories for that. I think i might have overeat and im freaking out. Like i actually feel like my arms and face are getting fatter. I hate this

Calorie Advice??
Created: Sat Jun 2 12:35:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o2lfa/calorie_advice/
Hey all! I'm totally new here, but I've been struggling with bulimia for a while. Only problem is it doesn't seem like I'm losing anything, rather just gaining slowly and damaging my throat...It's been on and off for a long time, and I've had it up to here with my weight. I'm 19, 5'3" and 192 lbs, and I HATE IT. I don't know what would be a suitable caloric limit for the day for someone like me, so I figured I'd hop in here and see if anyone has any advice or would be willing to talk to someone like me. I just want to stop eating all these calories and throwing up, I'm done with vomit. I'd kill to have a buddy to help me through this..

Thanks for even taking the time to read this! You all seem so kind! :)

[Rant/Rave] [Rave] My Wonderful Boyfriend's Surprises For Me!!
Created: Sat Jun 2 12:35:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o2lax/rave_my_wonderful_boyfriends_surprises_for_me/

I'm sick so my dad offered to get me some Sudafed
Created: Sat Jun 2 12:24:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o2iow/im_sick_so_my_dad_offered_to_get_me_some_sudafed/
I'm old enough to get it myself but hey now I get it for free god bless. This and all of the free fruit and Halo Top I can get from him is the only benefit of visiting home

[Help] Amenorrhea from restriction?
Created: Sat Jun 2 12:13:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o2fun/amenorrhea_from_restriction/
So... my period is 5 days late, which is very unusual for me. I've bought a pregnancy test just in case but I haven't taken it yet. Lately I've been restricting really low and exercising more frequently and saw a nice drop on the scale... but then this happened. If I did lose it from restricting, how do I get it back and still lose weight? Is it very dangerous to lose your period from malnutrition? Is this something I should be very worried about?

[Help] I sometimes randomly feel really light headed and can't see anything for a couple of seconds. How can I stop this?
Created: Sat Jun 2 11:51:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o2a5y/i_sometimes_randomly_feel_really_light_headed_and/
So I've been restricting to 500-600kcal per day and occasionally fasting this past fortnight and I haven't found it that difficult but there are times where I'm just walking and I suddenly see black dots that take up my entire vision and feel really light headed for a couple of seconds. It last for around twenty seconds when I get up from my bed during the morning. It's not bothering me that much but it's not a pleasent feeling. Does anyone have any idea how to stop this? Should I increase my calorie intake? Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

I feel like I'm the only one here who doesn't and has never purged.
Created: Sat Jun 2 11:46:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o28w7/i_feel_like_im_the_only_one_here_who_doesnt_and/
I physically CANNOT, like I try to do the thing with the fingers and throat and it never works. And I really don't want stained teeth or bad breath. I kinda feel like I'm faking having an ED, since it's such an.. integral? Part of the "experience".

[Other] When you have a dream all these people you know (friends, family, and students) follow you on here like they do on insta. THEN this first ad. on your Instagram this morning is to take a quiz to see if you have an ED from NEDA 😂🤦🏻‍♀️🙃
Created: Sat Jun 2 11:38:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o26uy/when_you_have_a_dream_all_these_people_you_know/
Happy no paranoia mindset EVER Saturday to me! 😂😂😂

[Rant/Rave] I get so irrationally angry when people ask me the "secret" to weight loss.
Created: Sat Jun 2 11:28:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o24ay/i_get_so_irrationally_angry_when_people_ask_me/
Forewarning: I'm not looking to have a debate please, I'm going to do my best to keep it neutral because I can't fucking handle this discussion beyond me venting

Like damn. Even when I was losing weight the healthy way. All I did was make sure I ate a reasonable amount of calories and had daily fitness goals (as in take at least 10,000 steps a day) and yet people STILL harass me asking:

"how the hell do you lose weight

you have to tell me ur secret!!

what pills do you take

have you tried -insert shitty mlm product-

And if I tell them "eat a balanced diet with reasonable portions, calories and be active daily" I get met with:

"No rly what do u do that didn't work 4 me teehee"

"You must have been on some sort of diet like keto/low fat!! Tell me what u eat!!"

Like fuck Karen I'm not your dietician/personal trainer, stop asking me for fucking weight loss advice

Like god they tell you from elementary school to eat healthy foods and exercise. At least I hope it does. I'm sick and tired of the questions to the point where I just say "I must have a good metabolism lol bye" and walk away. I hate talking about weight loss with people in my social circle so much. It's even a sensitive subject

And now that I lose weight by eating >1000 a day and doing 5k runs daily I really don't want to get any questions, be asked about my weight or noticed.

A new direction, and hopefully the start of recovery
Created: Sat Jun 2 11:00:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o1x9e/a_new_direction_and_hopefully_the_start_of/
(Sorry this is longer than I expected it to be) I've been thinking a lot about my ED and why I am still so unhappy with my body even after reaching an underweight/goal BMI. I have never thought of myself as skinny and when I look in the mirror I am so confused on how I am still holding on to so much of fat. Now, I'm realizing that my fasting/binging/purging/restricting patterns aren't getting helping me lose any more fat, but I have noticed that I'm much weaker and my muscles have atrophied. Basically I'm "skinny-fat" and still look gross because I'm carrying fat around my chest and stomach, which will only change if I build up my abdominals and chest.

Yesterday was June 1st and I decided I'm going to get on the road to recovery through exercise (not exclusively running or cardio :/) and building muscle. For the first time, I tracked what I ate with the intention of eating at a calorie surplus, which seems completely insane and foreign, but I'm doing my best to switch my perspective.

What I did notice with my first day of eating regularly (WFPB) was that despite it being my goal, I didn't even eat at a calorie surplus. I just simply wasn't hungry enough, and I'm not mentally at the point where I can force myself to eat when I don't want food. Although, if I were breaking a fast (probably with a binge) I definitely would have ate waaaay past my maintenance calories.

I know this was only day one, but it's making me realizing just how vicious of a cycle ED behavior is, and how it can be so counterproductive. When I'm trying to lose weight, I end up so angry and frustrated with myself when I fail to meet my fasting goal or if I eat pretty much anything at all, and I end up plateauing from the back and forth binging/fasting. Now that I'm trying to gain weight by building muscle, I feel good about what I'm eating and didn't even manage to eat enough calories.

TLDR: Trying to get rid of the "skinny-fat" body I've created through my ED by eating more and building muscle and I ended up eating less than my maintenance calories anyway. ED behavior is fucked up.

[Rant/Rave] I was kidding myself all along.
Created: Sat Jun 2 10:50:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o1usz/i_was_kidding_myself_all_along/
I’ve been telling myself for the past month and a half that if I could just hit 98lbs I’d be happy. And here I am, 3.5lbs off that target and already planning the next goal weight.
Since the 17th April I’ve lost 12.5lbs, when I hit my GW it’ll be 16lbs. That should be enough shouldn’t it? Well it isn’t.
I’m pissed because I can’t see a difference still. My tummy isn’t flat and my ribs don’t show and I can only feel my hip bones when I lie down. My collarbones are non existent, for fuck sake I want to see my collarbones. I want the fat gone from my shoulders. I want to look good.

I just want to look good.

[Other] Jealous of a pill popper
Created: Sat Jun 2 10:33:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o1qn4/jealous_of_a_pill_popper/
Idek what to title this post but I’ll just get into it. So last night I went to a big party with a bonfire and everyone was drinking or smoking but I’m usually the sober one so I just decided to keep it that way, only took a few hits on someone’s vape no big deal. Anywho, my friends and I got up to go talk to another good friend who we didn’t expect to see there.

She showed up drunk off her ass and then proceeded to list everything she was on. She told us how shes been popping pills lately and popped some adderall and oxy a few days ago. She was complaining about not being able to keep ANY food down, telling us about how she would vomit anytime she tried to eat. She said she’s lost a lot of weight and I may be crazy, but you could sorta tell she looked thinner.

As a friend I was worried for her because she’s such a sweet person. And then I started feeling jealous about how she was losing weight so fast. I couldn’t stop thinking about it the whole time I was there. I feel like a complete idiot. I know that’s really dangerous and unhealthy and I know better. But I can’t help but be jealous and curious. Ugh

Oh if anyone’s interested I currently weigh 121.4 and I fluctuate from 120-125. My gw is 115. I’ve made many posts here and I’m sure some may find them annoying but I genuinely love this community and how open/accepting you all are. I wish I could repay all the kindness I’ve been shown. Thank you 🙏

[Rant/Rave] I sorta started recovery but not really
Created: Sat Jun 2 10:31:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o1q55/i_sorta_started_recovery_but_not_really/
Like I just went in to get an ED eval as per my psychiatrists request (since I refuse to let them label me anorexic now that I’ve gained weight and am a healthy BMI) and now this lady has me a on full recovery protocol that’s supposed to have an 80% success rate.

But she should not be allowed to screen me for anorexia when I literally know more about it than her. I was like, diagnostically theres a weight requirement and she got all confused and took out her little book and was like you fit all the other criteria tho??? NO SHIT LADY WHY DO YOU THINK I CAME IN TO SEE A PROFESSIONAL???? wild.

But I don’t really like her and I don’t really wanna recover yet and she’s like super judgey. It feels like she’s never dealt w an ED before. I’m like yeah it’d be nice to be under 110 again. Barely under weight and she was like oh my GOD that’s so small you know you can’t do that.

Favorite Starbucks or coffee shop drink?
Created: Sat Jun 2 10:01:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o1j0e/favorite_starbucks_or_coffee_shop_drink/
I usually like a London Fog with almond milk, no foam, and sugar free vanilla or a Chai tea latte with almond milk. Both of these have a decent amount of calories so do y’all have any better suggestions? I’m more of a tea person but I’ll drink coffee too!

"Spread the light; be the lighthouse"
Created: Sat Jun 2 09:50:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o1gaf/spread_the_light_be_the_lighthouse/
"Spread the light; be the lighthouse" was the quote on the tag for my Yogi brand herbal tea I had at work first thing this morning. My educational background is BS in Health and MS in Nutrition and I currently wirk as a healthy lifestyle and weight loss coach. I used to be such a happy, positive person, but I became depressed and my anxiety grew worse in the fall of 2015. I'm doing much better now, but there are still so many dark days. My ED (atypical AN) has been around since Jr. High, and I believed I'd never be in a place to help other people with EDs. My psychologist echoed this sentiment. But today, one of my clients opened up to me about her struggles with AN/bulimia and I was able to really help her through the tough spot she's in! She told me that I understood her better than any coach/lifestyle expert she's ever spoken with!

I feel so happy and fulfilled right now. I got to be the lighthouse and I accomplished something I never thought I'd get to do.

Also, I hit 108.2lbs this morning!! I'm not eating "enough" according to my own background knowledge in health, but the things I am eating are all healthy. You guys, I feel better than I have all year!!

my sister is beginning to piss me off
Created: Sat Jun 2 09:43:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o1ehi/my_sister_is_beginning_to_piss_me_off/
I always buy enough ed food for me whenever I go shopping and no one wants it but as soon as its in the house my sister wants it all of a sudden and finishes it. also whenever I'm cooking food she says she doesn't want any because it's 'bland' and she'd rather have something else. after its done and I go to eat she complains that I didn't make her any or cusses me out for eating everything. sometimes she'll laugh at me or make fun if I'm eating healthy food and I'm so sick of it. like I have enough of her taking the piss out of me in general and I don't need this on top. she's 9 years older than me so its not like she doesn't know any better or doesn't know what she's doing is wrong.

[Discussion] hey.
Created: Sat Jun 2 09:40:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o1dpf/hey/
hi, I’m new to reddit and I’ve been watching this sub from a friends phone for awhile so I decided to make an account. :)

My question is simple; my scale gives me 2 different readings, 5 pounds apart. After I calibrate it, the lower number shows. Should I trust it? Thanks in advance.

Barely into the 55s and my roommate's girlfriend is celebrating her birthday at a vegan comfort food joint who's slogan is "fat and drunk"
Created: Sat Jun 2 09:16:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o16cq/barely_into_the_55s_and_my_roommates_girlfriend/
Literally nothing is low calorie. There's not even salad! At a vegan restaurant!

Rip me

I lost a bit of weight since a few months back (around 20 lbs), but i feel like i look more and more fat everyday
Created: Sat Jun 2 08:51:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0zbu/i_lost_a_bit_of_weight_since_a_few_months_back/
I dont know who to turn for this, and i dont want to bring it up with anyone i know, so here it goes, reddit. Everytime I look into the mirror, all I see is how fat i am. The scale says otherwise (since I keep losing a pound or two a week), but I just feel so obese, even when im not. I have NOT dealt with disordered eating in the past, but lately, I've felt some sort of body dysmorphia and I've had issues with restricted eating in the last couple months and I can't help it. My mind already has a lot of issues ~ I have depression (possibly bipolar 2), and mildish ocd (compulsion issues mostly), and I feel like maybe the ocd is kind of getting in the way of my eating?? It's just making me upset and I can't enjoy eating socially anymore either. Note, I do have a bmi around 30, so i actually am overweight, so I dont have anorexia. Please help. Any advice would be great.

It bothers me so much when tumblr girls refer to a planned, pre-calorie counted snack as a "binge".
Created: Sat Jun 2 08:49:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0yz3/it_bothers_me_so_much_when_tumblr_girls_refer_to/
When they say for example that a cup of cherry tomatoes is just 30 calories, making them "perfect for a binge".. dude. You've counted the calories, planned it ahead of time, and fit it into your calorie limit a day. That's not a binge at all. A binge is spontaneous, unplanned, and certainly not a *cup of cherry tomatoes*.

why am i like this
Created: Sat Jun 2 08:36:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0wo2/why_am_i_like_this/
i made my everyday breakfast of oatmeal with dried cranberries... remembered reading something about how adding greek yogurt could make it extra creamy... added this & it tastes disgusting.

so now i'm eating the whole thing but considering purging it because it seems like a waste of cals.

I spent an hour "researching" sugar free shaved ice syrup because the sugar cravings are insane and I would sell my soul for a snow cone (which I have never craved before?)
Created: Sat Jun 2 08:03:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0qol/i_spent_an_hour_researching_sugar_free_shaved_ice/
I recently started a very low carb diet and I hadn't thought of sugar. Until yesterday. I just can't stop thinking of snow cones. I want a watermelon and strawberry snowcone. Old memories of when I was little eating snowcones came up too.

I was really researching snowcone machines and sugar free syrups for way too long and I found a set of sugar free watermelon, blue raspberry, and cherry syrups!! I don't know if they will kick me out of ketosis though with the artificial sugar. I just want it so much:( I keep seeing snowcones in my imagination and I remember exactly what the watermelon tasted like. Visions of snowcones dancing in my head

This is so pathetic..

My period is messed up
Created: Sat Jun 2 08:01:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0q46/my_period_is_messed_up/
I am 16 years old. I had very light bleeding a week ago, and yesterday, it returned! Is this due to my active lifestyle or restriction? I run 5 to 7 days a week and eat about 1000 cals a day. Has this happened to anyone else?

Weighed 169 and then 30 minutes later I weighed 165.
Created: Sat Jun 2 07:49:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0nmy/weighed_169_and_then_30_minutes_later_i_weighed/
I literally washed my face, brushed my teeth and laid back down to watch The Majority report for 15 minutes. The scale is BS.

[Help] What the frickety frack - I have the feeling of hunger but all food is unappetizing? Help?
Created: Sat Jun 2 07:48:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0ngp/what_the_frickety_frack_i_have_the_feeling_of/
Hiya everyone, so a little background info before we dive in. I started my ED by being anorexic for two years, then long story short it morphed into bulimia for another two years, and now we’re wherever this is.

So here’s the thing. I’m still struggling with my ED, no doubt, but I’ve been in recovery and have had it under control for a while. I could tell I was kinda slipping back into it a month or two ago, but ignored it. Now I don’t know what the fuck I have - but I know it isn’t good.

I can feel that I’m hungry. My stomach hurts and grumbles and when I start eating I mentally realize that I’m hungry, but problem is, no food seems even remotely appetizing to me anymore. It’s not nausea - just general disinterest.

I’m eating less and less and less because of this, and it’s starting to scare me because I just don’t want food any more. I still feel the hunger cues but I just gloss over them because I’ve somehow detached hunger from wanting the food put in front of me. I thought this was what I wanted, to not care about eating and forget about it, but this is terrifying.

I don’t know what to do. Can anyone tell me what this is / how to make it better?

[Other] Feeling bad about my thinspo source
Created: Sat Jun 2 07:44:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0mn7/feeling_bad_about_my_thinspo_source/
I’ve known this guy for nearly 4 years, we met in university and became friends through friends. A lot happened and now only him and I are the last remaining friends of our friend group (everyone else moved away/out of country). So it’s just us when we hang out (a plus because I like him a lot and will always have feelings for him) and whenever I have the chance, I take photos of him simply because he’s so skinny that it’s kind of a wake up call to me and I use it to motivate me to lose weight. I feel bad because he just thinks I like taking pictures,,,, when really I just like seeing how skinny he is

New scale old scale was OFF BY 30 LBS in the WRONG direction.
Created: Sat Jun 2 07:29:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0jji/new_scale_old_scale_was_off_by_30_lbs_in_the/
For any gamers here- I feel like I just lost a full quarter of progress to a corrupted game in a game I've almost rage quit a hundred times, and I'm restarting at one of the worst bosses I defeated. TT^TT

Thought I was doing well, thought I was a third of the way to my goal, and now I'm back where I *thought* I started. Which not only means doing it all again, but that I've been even fatter this whole time than I thought.

I want to rage quit harder now than I ever have before.

For all my fellow BED sufferers...how did y’all handle National Donut Day yesterday?
Created: Sat Jun 2 07:27:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0j3u/for_all_my_fellow_bed_sufferershow_did_yall/

[Other] Thanks for the thinspo, Duolingo <3
Created: Sat Jun 2 07:13:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0gi9/thanks_for_the_thinspo_duolingo_3/

Update After moving to China
Created: Sat Jun 2 06:45:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0b5v/update_after_moving_to_china/
Hey everyone! I posted a few weeks ago about my anxiety about food when moving to China and I just thought I’d let you know how I’m doing.

I’ve lost another kilogram in the week and a half that I’ve been here, which is much smaller amount than I’d like, but better than gaining I suppose. I hardly speak any Chinese, which is probably why I’ve been able to avoid bingeing, since it’s so hard to order anything. There have been a few times where I’ve had to go out to eat with coworkers but I’ve been able to use the “oh I’m just not that hungry “ excuse so far. But now it’s been nearly two weeks and people are starting to comment on how I don’t eat enough. I’ve avoided seeing anyone on my days off just so I don’t have to eat with them.

I want to get to a point where I can feel comfortable eating a whole meal when I’m out with my friends, I know it’s not normal to do this. But I stand out so much here. Back home, being a little bigger is basically the norm, but here even yesterday some random dude on the street shouted about how fat I was.

How do I find a balance? My whole life has been either bingeing or eating next to nothing. I don’t want to be the one person in my group who just stays home alone all the time, but I can just feel myself getting bigger whenever I’m out with them.

[Sticky] 'Stupid Questions' Saturday! June 02, 2018
Created: Sat Jun 2 06:11:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o052x/stupid_questions_saturday_june_02_2018/
This is the weekly 'Stupid Questions' Saturday thread for June 02, 2018.

Use this thread as an opportunity to ask any questions you might have that you feel don't necessarily warrant their own post.

Please be wary of false advice and information. Be sure to research the facts before taking anyone's advice, no matter who they are. Remember that diagnosing members is unacceptable. **Anyone looking for medical guidance should seek the opinion of a medically licensed professional.**


Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! June 02, 2018
Created: Sat Jun 2 06:10:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o0516/daily_food_diary_june_02_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for June 02, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

I fit into my 13- year old jeans again
Created: Sat Jun 2 06:08:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o04nu/i_fit_into_my_13_year_old_jeans_again/
I graduated last year and bought this pair of jeans in 8th grade, when I was roughly 13. I'm turning 19 soon. I haven't been able to fit into this pair of jeans for a long time, they have holes in them on the insides of the legs and the knees because I still tried to wear them and was too fat for it. I'm so happy right now!!

Being broke plays directly into my ED
Created: Sat Jun 2 06:00:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8o036z/being_broke_plays_directly_into_my_ed/
It's this twisted game of "let's see how long I can make these groceries last" and "a day without food saves me about 5 euros" and oatmeal/rice/potato/banana monos. Then when I get extra money or visit my parents I eat everything in sight in like 5 minutes which leads to purging and self-loathing, which motivates me to restrict again. There's no way I'll be able to recover unless my financial situation becomes more stable.

[Help] Did something happen to r/proEDadults?
Created: Sat Jun 2 04:40:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nzr9c/did_something_happen_to_rproedadults/
Everytime I go to that sub it says theres nothing there. Did it get deleted?

I'm sick of hearing about how much weight I've lost. Its embarrassing.
Created: Sat Jun 2 04:12:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nzngv/im_sick_of_hearing_about_how_much_weight_ive_lost/
Especially at work. Customers that haven't been in in a while (we get a lot of seasonal folks) say it. Or older customers. Family or friends that haven't seen me in a while too. I was so huge it was embarrassing. I don't want to be reminded of it. I'm still big, but normal. I tried so hard to get away from being a slob and the negative attention from that. I just want to be a normal person and go about my business. The last thing I fucking want is some old lady coming up to be like "well you just keep losing weight! You look great!" No. This doesn't make me feel good. Comments on my body aren't welcome. What about a "you look nice today"? Not to mention that I have co-workers that I don't want to keep hearing about it. I'm trying not to just be this person who was morbidly obese and now isn't. Yes I'm proud of myself for losing the weight, but look at where I am now. I have a fucking eating disorder.

Next time someone asks how I lost it all I'm afraid I'm going to go full bitch mode on them and be like "well it started out sort of ok with proper diet exercise until something went wrong and now I'm afraid of food and starve myself and only eat to avoid passing out while I take care of my family and go to work, but thanks!".

[Discussion] HELP! In search of a calorie counter I saw on this sub!
Created: Sat Jun 2 03:17:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nzfne/help_in_search_of_a_calorie_counter_i_saw_on_this/
It was within the last week and I can't find it. You entered in your weight, height, goal weight, current weight and amount of calories consumed each day and it told you how long it would take to get to your goal weight

I wish I'd bookmarked it!!!

[Rant/Rave] DAE feel like their ED is interfering with their lives?
Created: Sat Jun 2 02:59:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nzd6g/dae_feel_like_their_ed_is_interfering_with_their/
Before I started restricting and b/ping, I was successful. I had good grades and participated in a lot of extracurriculars. I studied hard, and it paid off. Then last semester, I developed what I guess is an ED--heavily restricting, exercising compulsively, etc. I couldn't stop thinking about food when restricting, and if I wasn't restricting, I was spending every spare minute at the university gym. My grades dropped, and so did my standardized test scores. Two months ago, I started purging, and since then, everything's gone even further downhill. I'm starting college applications in the fall (currently a rising senior in high school/rising junior in college in a dual-enrollment program) and my GPA has dropped so much (now a cumulative 3.7 unweighted) that I'm really worried. I can't focus on academics anymore. I'm taking the SAT subject tests in 3 hours and I haven't been able to concentrate enough to study. The worst part is that I know I could be doing so much better--I have a perfect ACT score, and I've always been super motivated, perfectionistic, and high-achieving. How do you guys cope with EDs and academic/professional responsibilities?

Sorry for the rant, I just feel so horrible.

Do I have a problem?
Created: Sat Jun 2 02:15:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nz7hy/do_i_have_a_problem/
Hey everyone, wasn't really sure where to ask so figured I'd try here, hope this isn't annoying or anything!

So I'm going to Europe in a few weeks with a school tour, and because I want to be able to eat freely and I'll be surrounded w/ super unhealthy food and don't feel great about my weight, I've started restricting to 700cal a day. My TDEE is around 1,400 and I'm 15, 5"1 and 101lbs for reference, so I'm not overweight or anything but I have a really gross body shape so wanted to feel more confident.

I figured this was no big deal \- yeah, I get pretty hungry but it'll be worth it \- but recently my friend who's also restricting mentions that she thinks out of everyone she knows, I think the most about food and am the strictest about it. I've also noticed myself getting dizzy, really cold etc. due to not eating much and have been having emotional breakdowns over minor food\-related things \(e.g. going 200cal over my limit due to a binge\). Should I be worried about this?

Gonna be fully honest, don't think I have an ED but just figured I should probably get unbiased opinions.

[Rant/Rave] Customers
Created: Sat Jun 2 01:59:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nz58d/customers/
I work in a thrift store, and I'm a few months shy of 18. It's a tough job. I enjoy being able to get out of my comfort zone, though, because if I'm not working then I'm at home being alone, lonely, and self-harmful. However, recently people have really, really gotten on my nerves. I fluctuate between a BMI of 24-27 because of my eating cycles (I tend to fast and restrict heavily while happy and binge**/**b/p while depressed), I don't appear heavy to people (as I've been told??) but of course I'm still overweight in any sense of the word.

But how the hell am I supposed to feel good enough to restrict if people just act like assholes to me sometimes? Don't get me wrong, most people are sweet and genuine, but...

"You should lay off the ice cream, you look a bit chubby in the face!" -a 40 year old 400 lb goateed man using a walker

"I've actually got a super awesome secret for you to shed those pounds I know you probably hate so much, and right before bikini season!" *winks and hands me her business card* - middle aged lady

*Approaches me at the counter* "What do you weigh? You probably only have to lose like 15 pounds and you'd look good" - some dude who introduced himself as a bodybuilder

"You're so pretty, yknow, I know people in the modeling industry. I mean, I've even got connections, you'd make a great plus sized model" -creepy 50 year old guy who talked to me for like an hour

please don't comment on my weight please please please please please.
Do any of you guys have similar experiences with customers or clients? \^\^; hugss

[Discussion] DAE Juul constantly?
Created: Sat Jun 2 01:48:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nz3v7/dae_juul_constantly/
lol i bought a juul to curb my appetite and its amazing. I constantly take little pulls when i’m trying to power through a long study sesh or have been fasting for a few days. (I am in no way advocating for nicotine use btw, just wondering if anyone else does this)

Feeling pretty alright after coming back from vacation? My friend I was visiting (who also has an ED) may not be as bad as I thought she was? Kinda long story, don't know how to feel.
Created: Sat Jun 2 01:25:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nz0s0/feeling_pretty_alright_after_coming_back_from/

Okay so I made a pretty panicked post in here about a week and a half ago about gaining six fucking pounds in a few days into my vacation. Some very lovely people assured me that it could be a myriad of things, and it was rather impossible for me to have gained that much weight while eating under TDEE for a couple of days.

I finished out the trip, and I managed to stay under 600-700 calories until the last two days where I ate right at (or slightly above) TDEE and purged once. I didn't really experience hunger the entire time I was away, but there was some sick sense of pride when everyone ate breakfast and lunch while I held off until 8-9 for dinner every night. I came back home after 11 days, got on the scale, and I had only gained 3 pounds! Most of which was water weight that came right off within a few days! Yay!!!

Second part of this bizarre story (I just need to talk about it somewhere)

So my friend that I was visiting has an ED. She was the person whose house we were staying at. She has been struggling with her ED for about a year and was already small to begin with. She has lost a decent amount of weight and has a private twitter where she talks about heavily restricting and self-loathing. We both know that the other has an ED. I'm going to bullet point the next few things as there's no way to linearly tell this story:

- We were all talking about our hair and she said "my hair used to be really thick, but now it's kinda thin and I have no clue why" and then said it was probably because she recently dyed her hair. I said "ur losing hair because you don't eat u silly goose" and she just kind of laughed off. She had no idea that losing hair was a side effect of this. Crazy.
- My ED friend was eating numerous times a day. She always says she only eats hummus and guacamole and this *probably* has something to do with all of us staying with her for the week, but she didn't restrict at *all*. Even when I was blatantly restricting. She's openly restricted when we've all visited before as well. I was just surprised.
- Me and another friend were staying in her roommate's room (her roommate was out of town) and her roommate had a scale. I made the mistake of weighing myself on it, and after realizing it was 6 pounds off the mark decided to never do it again. My ED friend (staying just across the hall) also has a scale in her room (obvs) so the next day I decided to sneak up there and use her scale. First, the scale was covered in dust. I thought to myself "how the fuck" and hopped on anyway.

The scale was out of batteries. Just completely didn't read. I got on the scale about 50 times over the course of the trip, sneaking up there every day just to see if it would work. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The scale was wholeass unused and covered in dust, which means it hasn't been used in awhile. I'm just??? What does this mean??? She tweeted a few days after we left that she has "gained so much weight in the past week" and "is going back to restricting" but that scale hadn't been used in WELL over a week.

Maybe she's trying to recover? Maybe she's trying to not use the scale anymore? Maybe it ran out of battery and she just hasn't replaced it to test herself? I have no clue. Honestly her behavior seemed like she was recovering, which would be *amazing* and I would be so happy for her, but she is acting like she's still restricting/fasting? It's just, bizarre.

I kind of want to be like "why tf did ur scale not work, a bitch was going mental for a week i thought i could count on u" but that's so fucked and I would never do that lmao.

Anyway! If you read this far feel free to leave your thoughts below!

[Help] Alternative to laxatives?
Created: Sat Jun 2 01:12:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nyz21/alternative_to_laxatives/
Just to clarify, I don’t want to use it to purge. I just barely eat and so I barely ever get to do my business. It’s driving me crazy because that adds to my weight and I have no idea how much I really lost. It’s so bad I literally haven’t taken a number 2 in over a week.

I really really really don’t want to get laxatives because they sound nasty and too extreme. I try to drink a lot of black coffee but that doesn’t help... Is there any mild alternative to laxatives?

Sorry if the question is too gross or personal but I am getting really desperate over here.

What can I buy at the grocery store that's safe but doesn't look like a combination of ED or diet foods?
Created: Sat Jun 2 00:47:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nyvck/what_can_i_buy_at_the_grocery_store_thats_safe/
I'm on a trip and I'll be spending a considerable amount of time \(like \- pretty much all of it\) over the next three weeks in a small space with a colleague and various other people where any disordered behaviour will look suspicious. I already know that I will have no choice over dinner food and I'm already incredibly anxious about that. Breakfast and lunch will be up to me, but my colleague will know what and when I'm eating.

Ordinarily, it would be less of an issue, but I'm already on thin ice for non\-ED mental health reasons. \(I had a huge breakdown and so my colleague and another older colleague are watching me closely to gauge my depression. Not eating is apparently worrying to them.\)

They've seen me binging on previous work trips, so they think I eat a lot and know me well enough that I can't make up any food allergies/preferences. Does anyone have any suggestions for food that won't make me too anxious about calories that won't look particularly disordered or "diet"? I need to sell myself as stable mood\-wise \- so I need to seem like I'm eating normally.

We'll be picking up groceries together, so I need to end up with a cart that isn't just shiritaki noodles, diet coke, halo top, and celery...

i don't want to recover anymore
Created: Sat Jun 2 00:31:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nysx9/i_dont_want_to_recover_anymore/
i feel so lost
like i have no one right now
i hate talking to others because it feels like i glamorize my eating disorder
today i was told i don't really want to recover
it's very true
i fooled myself into thinking i was but i'm not ready
all i can think about is everything disgusting about me and how i miss the feeling of water on s empty stomach or even purging or anything fuck i'm addicted
i hate this i hate this
but i also love it
i want to get rid of these feelings but what tf would i do without them
it's been five years with this
i feel like i'm breaking down
i've thought about suicide a lot lately
i know it's not right or something okay
it's quite embarrassing to talk to people i'm close to
i feel like they'd call me stupid

ANOTHER safe food thread
Created: Sat Jun 2 00:30:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nyssb/another_safe_food_thread/
So since I am crippingly depressed and suffering a complete relapse, I figured the way to celebrate it would be to share the foods, I can eat w/o having a total mental breakdown...

FIRST ONE: Oatmeal. Savoury oatmeal. Oatmeal w/ a fuckton of salt, maybe some veggie meat crumbled on.

SECOND ONE: Apples! I love apples, kiwi, oranges, apricots, nectarines, watermelon and starfruit. If you gave me strawberries, I'd probably eat that too...

THIRD ONE: Veggie meats in general. I love the Aldi\-stuff, LikeMeat, Oumph and Quorn has it's moments... So much good shit getting introduced every single bloody day. Tofu, seitan, tempeh is also absolutely delicious.

FOURTH ONE: Protein stuff!! ProPud puddings, ProPud ice cream, Breyers and the love of my life: Oppo!! Maxim protein bars and ThinkThin protein bars.... Just protein bars in general tbh

FIFTH ONE: Sugarfree candy!! There's wine gums and chocolate and hard candy and gum and it's so cheap here!!! i mcfucking love it

SIXTH ONE: VEGETABLES!!! I love zucchini, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, corn, red peppers, carrots, spinach, butternut squash, asparagus, broccoli, green beans and olives

SEVENTH ONE: Big white beans. Apparently, they have no name BUT.... big white beans...

EIGHTH ONE: Psyllium husk saved my life tbh

NINTH ONE: Broth and little soups!!

TENTH: Cereal is so low\-calorie!! I eat it like little cookies....

ELEVENTH: Whole\-grain pasta, lentil pasta, green pea pasta. I love the tiny ones...

´Share yours in the comments :\)

Ever had a song punch you in the stomach?
Created: Sat Jun 2 00:14:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nyq8y/ever_had_a_song_punch_you_in_the_stomach/
[imagine dragons, whatever it takes](https://youtu.be/gOsM-DYAEhY)

Always had a fear of being typical

Looking at my body feeling miserable

Always hanging on to the visual

I wanna be invisible

[Other] For the first time in a while I feel good so I want to spread the love. Sending support and good vibes to all ✌🏼❤️
Created: Sat Jun 2 00:08:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nyp9b/for_the_first_time_in_a_while_i_feel_good_so_i/

At what point does a bulimic need to be hospitalized?
Created: Fri Jun 1 23:58:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nynnx/at_what_point_does_a_bulimic_need_to_be/

[Rant/Rave] Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry
Created: Fri Jun 1 23:18:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nyh0g/diet_pepsi_wild_cherry/
I have been a soda fiend for as long as I can remember. Recently I've been trying to cut it out of my diet and so far I haven't caved yet, but I had really strong cravings for Coke today and yesterday. I absolutely *hate* Diet Coke and Coke Zero. It does NOT taste the same. I don't really like Diet Pepsi either.

I saw a bottle of Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry at the grocery store and decided to get it. It tastes like normal Pepsi Wild Cherry! Now I have something to tide my over until my soda cravings go away.

[Other] I can't bring myself to celebrate my birthday
Created: Fri Jun 1 23:10:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nyfnm/i_cant_bring_myself_to_celebrate_my_birthday/
Every year, every month I plan to lose x amount of pounds by my birthday and I can never do it because my expectations for myself are highly unrealistic.

My birthday is in a few days and I don't even want to invite people over or celebrate. Celebrations mainly revolve around food or cake or going out to eat anyway. I just want one birthday where I'm at my UGW and I'm TINY. Like petite and small and just light as a feather. I want to not freak out and refuse when my boyfriend offers to piggyback me because I'm anxious he'll drop me because I'm too heavy and I'll never be able to live that embarrassment down.

Guess it's not this year.

[Other] I love baby utensils bonus in my favourite colour: yellow! 💛
Created: Fri Jun 1 22:17:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ny647/i_love_baby_utensils_bonus_in_my_favourite_colour/

[Other] (Humour) me, counting the calories in a beer and deciding a night out is better than those pancakes I was looking forward to
Created: Fri Jun 1 21:30:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nxx85/humour_me_counting_the_calories_in_a_beer_and/

[Rant/Rave] (rant) “But I’m a man...”
Created: Fri Jun 1 21:23:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nxvz4/rant_but_im_a_man/
My dad’s usually a sweet man but today just nooo. This afternoon he told my twin sis she could lose some weight because she’s slightly chubby. She personally didn’t want to and her bmi is only like 24 and I (who starved my way into a lower weight) was like “uh, you’re not being a good example you know” because he’s sedentary and even chubbier than my sister and he said that he didnt need to lose weight because he was a man. Whaaaat you really think like his??? One that’s sexist as fuck and two arent you like invalidating all the men who feel insecure about their body??? 😒 wow thanks for helping me feel like I’ll never be a real woman until i’m skinny. And I can’t even imagine how my sister felt

I started cutting again
Created: Fri Jun 1 20:48:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nxozp/i_started_cutting_again/
A few nights ago I felt like I was on the brink of suicide, but I promised my wife/boyfriend that I wouldn’t do anything like that so I impulsively cut myself with an xacto knife and it felt like a sigh of relief...just like before. I’m afraid I’ll go back to my old ways.

I went from cutting to burning to smoking to drugs and pills. Overdosage became too serious so now I’m back to square one. I don’t know what to do.

[Other] Treatment isn't always fair
Created: Fri Jun 1 20:26:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nxkck/treatment_isnt_always_fair/

[Tip] My beautiful new solution to every kind of stomach pain
Created: Fri Jun 1 20:04:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nxfth/my_beautiful_new_solution_to_every_kind_of/
We're talking post-purge nausea. We're talking those bizarre post-purge hunger pangs. We're talking those deep, "I'm going to die" hunger pangs from fasting or really long periods of restriction. Hunger pangs in general. Nausea in general.

Two Tums and a can of diet ginger ale. The calories are negligible, Tums actually taste like candy, and I'm feeling better and less dizzy in five minutes flat. A revelation.

Even when I am restricting as usual, my stomach doesn't want to keep a thing down. This discovery came out of I-don't-want-to-throw-up-again desperation this week and I'm so glad.

Happy Friday from my restriction/trying-not-to-purge-up-my-dinner cave to yours.

[Thinspo] nastygall on tumblr omfg
Created: Fri Jun 1 19:52:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nxd6q/thinspo_nastygall_on_tumblr_omfg/
its literally just hundreds of pics of the most gorgeous, thin, toned, tan girls I've ever seen in my entire life

there goes my half assed attempt at recovery lol

I saw this and thought it fit well here.
Created: Fri Jun 1 19:02:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nx2ay/i_saw_this_and_thought_it_fit_well_here/

I lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks
Created: Fri Jun 1 18:59:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nx1jv/i_lost_7_pounds_in_2_weeks/
And all I can think is how it's not enough. I could have eaten less. I could have worked out more. Why is it never enough? I just wanna be happy

Low cal junk food ideas?
Created: Fri Jun 1 18:47:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwyyw/low_cal_junk_food_ideas/
Besides rice cakes, pickles, and diet ice cream. Anything crunchy, salty, sweet! I've been having some intense cravings lately as I am now 3 weeks binge free.

I'm not sure what to say to my GP about health issues
Created: Fri Jun 1 18:37:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwwqx/im_not_sure_what_to_say_to_my_gp_about_health/
Alright so I'm posting this on a throwaway because it's a bit embarrassing to have to ask, but I'm making a doctor's appointment soon and I'm really worried about my ED being found out. I'm slightly but not extremely underweight, if that makes any kind of difference.

I want to get blood work done (to check my iron and electrolytes and what have you) and get my heart checked out, since I haven't actually been to the doctors in years and have no idea how much of a toll this has taken on my body. I've been feeling pretty shit lately and would like to find out what kind of damage I've done. I have no idea how to approach this without raising any questions from my GP, and if it comes to them finding out I would love to know what they're likely to do about it.

I guess essentially what I'm asking is: How should I bring up the fact that I think I should have all of these tests done without making it obvious why I'm asking? (Or really, since it's been so long, is the doc likely to want to do them anyway?)
And if the doctor does find out, what is he/she likely to do about it? Nobody in my personal life knows I've got an ED, and I've managed to avoid having it on my medical records so far. I'd really like to keep things that way. Thanks very much to anybody who read all this and can help

Is Arctic Zero in Canada?
Created: Fri Jun 1 18:22:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwteh/is_arctic_zero_in_canada/
Can't beat 150 cals per pint. I really wanna try it!

[Discussion] Tell me about a time your self-perception was off
Created: Fri Jun 1 18:14:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwrk9/tell_me_about_a_time_your_selfperception_was_off/
Today I found out that one of my favorite youtubers, who I thought was taller and thinner than me, is actually an inch shorter and 25 pounds heavier. It blew my mind that my self-perception is so skewed. What’s your worst example of a time your self-perception was off?

[Rant/Rave] When people casually say, "I'm Starving!"....
Created: Fri Jun 1 18:09:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwq7w/when_people_casually_say_im_starving/
THIS. DRIVES. ME. CRAZY. My SO's mother constantly says that shes "starving" just because she hasn't eaten in a few hours. I also work in a restaurant and hear people say this all the time. No, you are not starving. You arent the ones eating well below your fucking TDEE every day. You arent the ones literally starving yourselves. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I can never stick to a healthy deficit
Created: Fri Jun 1 17:51:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwm6i/i_can_never_stick_to_a_healthy_deficit/
I've tried many times to try eating 1200 a day to lose weight and maybe 1500 if I exercise, but it always spirals out of control. It it starts out with "Oh eating just 500 calories past my limit for today is okay", and then the allowance just gets bigger and bigger every day until I don't care what I eat so I binge and gain weight.

Only when I restrict to <800 do I feel like I'm in control. Even though I do feel very hungry sometimes when I restrict that much, it makes me think "You did well today, don't mess it up" rather than "You already ate 1000+ calories, what's stopping you from getting mcdonalds/chips/cookies/whatever?". Plus, I'm more conscientious about what I eat when I restrict low. It's too easy to stuff myself with junk food when I restrict higher versus searching for filling low cal foods.

Water fast
Created: Fri Jun 1 17:41:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwjrg/water_fast/
What's the average amount of time you guys water fast for

The strange purchases I make after a 36 hour fast
Created: Fri Jun 1 17:39:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwjff/the_strange_purchases_i_make_after_a_36_hour_fast/

Created: Fri Jun 1 17:18:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nwe9z/sos/
Y’all I need some excuses. So every Friday night I hang out at my sisters house. Tonight we went to target to pick up a few things and she insisted on getting brownies and marshmallows to share. It’ll be super weird if I don’t eat them so what do I do? 😭😭😭

[Help] wtf is wrong w my stomach and my shit
Created: Fri Jun 1 16:52:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nw8b9/wtf_is_wrong_w_my_stomach_and_my_shit/
this is very tmi but today i got diarrhea and all I consumed was 1 emergen\-c packet, a 1 lb bag of baby carrots, a lot of water, and leftover seafood/lobster salad from the day before. I can't tell why i got diarrhea? the bulk of what I ate today was carrots but I looked it up and saw that they have a lot of insoluble fiber, so if I had bowel problems from carrots, shouldn't I be constipated? or do I have to look back into what I ate yesterday? sos

any others with panic disorder?
Created: Fri Jun 1 16:52:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nw8al/any_others_with_panic_disorder/
just looking for support and thoughts as I sit at work with my heart beating out of my chest. my hands are sweaty and the screen is blurry, and there's people sitting in the waiting room and I'm trying not to let on that I can't breathe.

my panic attacks were happening every single day, and I thought that ensuring I get enough protein and electrolytes stopped them - but I've had a BAD one the last 3 days in a row. if i eat something it does help - but i literally just ate all the food I brought to work with me. 500 (!) calories and 50 grams of protein. i should be fine. i have 45 minutes to go and I feel like I won't last another second.

does anyone have any coping mechanisms? do you find certain restrictions (like i don't know, do you find if you eat more of certain foods your panic attacks are worse? is there something I can be doing to help?)

I ate 1,000 calories yesterday and wanted to cry. but i did it, because i hate feeling this way. literally feel like i'm dying anyway - so why not just never eat again??

Made decision to see a therapist
Created: Fri Jun 1 16:42:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nw5rq/made_decision_to_see_a_therapist/
I honestly don't know which came first, my depression or my food issues. I feel like I'm stable enough now to see my disordered eating for what it is and I'm scared about how long I've had it. Hence, I decided to see my therapist.

I've been in therapy long term for depression and a host of other issues, but not ED. I trust my therapist, so at least I don't have to take the time to establish that, but I'm not sure what to expect about therapy for an eating disorder. Anyone have insight here?

I'm ready to be hot again.
Created: Fri Jun 1 16:18:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nvzqx/im_ready_to_be_hot_again/
I know it's bad, but when I'm skinny and I get noticed everywhere I go, I feel a thousand times better. I've been invisible for the past year or so and although it was a comfort at first, I don't need or want it anymore. Shit, I haven't had sex in almost a year because I couldn't stand for anyone to see my body. I'm just done with hiding now. It's like a switch flipped in my brain. Anyone else with me?

[Rant/Rave] I’ve never been so close to fainting, holy shit.
Created: Fri Jun 1 16:11:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nvy60/ive_never_been_so_close_to_fainting_holy_shit/
I started my fast before I went to buy running shoes for the gym, and went last night with some friends.

I got off work 19 hours into my fast, went home and had to change to go pick up cat food and litter. I left with a collective 24 pounds of litter/food and carried them back to the car. It’s 87° with a “feels like” of 97° and the AC doesn’t work in the car. When I sat inside, my eyes started getting heavy and my head was wanting to fall to the side. I was pretty worried about driving but I got home safe.

Pretty pointless post but I’ve never fainted and I don’t recall ever being that close. It’s funny how many of us realize how fucked we are when we have a moment like this, but I’m more proud than worried, lol.

Ed books
Created: Fri Jun 1 15:41:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nvqbo/ed_books/
What ed-centered novels do you know and/or love ?
-wintergirls, L.H. Anderson
-A trick of the light, Lois Metzger

[Other] I ruined my hunger cues a long time ago. I only know I'm full if I hate myself.
Created: Fri Jun 1 15:24:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nvlse/i_ruined_my_hunger_cues_a_long_time_ago_i_only/

[Rant/Rave] Being a fat bulimic, why do I even need help?
Created: Fri Jun 1 15:10:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nvi73/being_a_fat_bulimic_why_do_i_even_need_help/
No one cares. Everyone scoffs and laughs at me when I mention my battles with anorexia and bulimia, what's the point?

I'll be laughed at, I'll be told I'm better of staying bulimic. When you think of an eating disorder you never think a fat person could have one. If even the outside world thinks I'm fat why do I need help? To get made fun of more?

I've only had purge type bulimia (never had binges, I'd just throw up every meal). No one believes a fat bulimic. Not even my own parents so I think other people will care or believe me? I get mocked, made fun of and ridiculed so why not continue being bulimic?

[Tip] All the near-Zero, filling, low carb foods!
Created: Fri Jun 1 14:59:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nvf50/all_the_nearzero_filling_low_carb_foods/
Aside from the typical diet sodas, teas, coffee, zero-energy drinks...

I mean foods to fill that fridge and make plates that, despite size, can’t be high in calories.

Please add y’all:

1. Riced cauliflower. A real god-send. I thought it would be “bleh” but it’s an AMAZING if not BETTER replacement for rice. Low in calories and carb content (well, minus the fiber).

2. Tofu shirataki noodles. Almost no cal and hardly any carbs. The brand I got (I can’t remember) had NO smell, which might be due to the fact the name had “tofu” in it? I don’t know. I wonder how these would work in an air fryer... someone test this out pls I don’t own that machine lol.

3. Egg whites. You can add spinach to make a beautiful low-cal fluffy omelette.

K what yall got

[Rant/Rave] i only allow myself to eat past a certain time and it's exhausting
Created: Fri Jun 1 14:53:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nvdcr/i_only_allow_myself_to_eat_past_a_certain_time/
my days consist of only consuming water/tea/gum/0cal drinks until 8pm, taking my sleeping pills, eating a huge meal then passing out around 9\-10. i feel so low in energy all day because of this but i can never bring myself to eat earlier in the day in fear of binging. it sucks:/

[Other] It's summer...? Yay?
Created: Fri Jun 1 14:32:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nv7rp/its_summer_yay/
Okay, so it's summer. I didn't hit my GW not even close. But you know what summer does mean? Constant exercise to 'prepare' for band camp and going away to camp for drum major.

All together? I only really have to see people for dinner, and I can pass that off as eating too much during lunch.

So hey, even though I didn't hit my gw I have my opportunity to restrict more than normal

[Other] I’M MAKING PROGRESS!!! ✨ (Wedding dress photos)
Created: Fri Jun 1 14:26:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nv645/im_making_progress_wedding_dress_photos/
On the morning of my wedding (January 2018), I weighed in at ***170 pounds.*** It wasn’t the heaviest I’ve ever been but it was the most I’d weighed in a looooong time. The number wasn’t as big of a problem as the fact that I gained 52 pounds in 2 months (lol shoot me).

I saw my wedding photos a week after and realized just how much weight I had gained. I died. [Here are some extra cringeworthy photos that made me want to hide forever. ](https://imgur.com/a/Ny7LD3n) I knew something needed to change!!

Today I tried my wedding dress on to see my progress and I was sooooooo happy to see that [my dress was actually loose! ](https://imgur.com/a/QAkjyRQ) Thank the good lord. I see the number changing on the scale but I just couldn’t see the progress on my body until today.

Just wanted to pop in and share this before-and-during photo to encourage you guys to keep going! It’s hard when you’re right in the middle of your goal. I am right there with you! **I will reach my UGW by my birthday, August 20th.** I’ve been going hard since the last week of April, and I’ve lost about 20 pounds. I have 29 more pounds to lose until my goal weight, and 2.5 months to do it. That is definitely doable for me! ♥️

Interesting article about the true meaning of vanity vs. self hate
Created: Fri Jun 1 14:20:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nv4lc/interesting_article_about_the_true_meaning_of/

What’s wrong with me
Created: Fri Jun 1 14:10:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nv1ql/whats_wrong_with_me/
I eat less than 1200 calories, I have PE five days a week (and we run at least 2-4 laps a day). I do ab exercises at home and I walk on the treadmill. So why am I 5’2 and 124 pounds??!! I’m a female by the way.

disappointed but not surprised, what else is new
Created: Fri Jun 1 14:10:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nv1pv/disappointed_but_not_surprised_what_else_is_new/
my graduation party is today (hooray! fuck high school!) and i invited nine people, the only friends i have in the god-awful hell state of kentucky and the only people that make it bearable to live in this tiny-ass town, and only three of them can make it. granted, two of them are two of the three that i wanted to come the most, so i shouldn't be that upset, but my ex who is still my best friend (god i've mentioned him a lot on this sub haven't i?) has to babysit, so that's kind of a letdown.

of course my brain is like "that's because everyone has more important things to do, you are an unimportant garbage monster and frankly i don't know why you expected anyone to show up at all" and "if you were skinnier they would care about you more" etc etc all that fun bullshit.

to top it all off my mom made a frankly ridiculous amount of food for it, including some of my favorites (let's be honest it's mostly the chicken cheese salsa dip) but now i'm too upset to even feel hungry.

it's whatever tho i already cut myself up all to fuck last night because i don't know how to deal with anything and i may end up getting drunk tonight if i can get away with it so woo party i guess

Stupid limerick I thought you guys might enjoy
Created: Fri Jun 1 13:29:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nuq8w/stupid_limerick_i_thought_you_guys_might_enjoy/
Here's a dumb little limerick I wrote about the wonders of housework. As a stay-at-home-mom I find it works wonders, lol.

An Ode to Housecleaning:

Housecleaning now is where it's at
It helps me to be less fat

It's calories burned, it's exercise!
Mopping and sweeping reduce my thighs

Clean house brings compliments and praise
And staying busy fuels my restriction phase

It looks like I've got my shit together
When I mow the lawn in summer weather

But mowing the lawn burns the calories quick
(Just stay hydrated so you don't get sick)

"Look how much I got done!" I smile and say,
And no one suspects I've been fasting today.

Housecleaning, I love you, you keep me on track
When hiding an ED you've got my back.

[Rant/Rave] i went to my friend’s beach house.
Created: Fri Jun 1 13:03:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nuj4s/i_went_to_my_friends_beach_house/
my college roommate and i are quite close, and i decided to drive five hours this week to see her. she and her high school friends were hanging out at her beach house, and i was excited to hang out with her (and be away from my family).
and then i put my swimsuit on. next to everybody else, i looked like a beached whale. i didn’t get off the beach towel the entire time. i snuck onto my roommate’s camera and deleted every picture i was in. and when it was time for dinner, i purged harder than i ever had before.

this was a mistake. i forgot that there needs to be food inside you, not just calories consumed, for alcohol not to make you fall asleep face-down in your own vomit. i smoked an entire pack of cigarettes when i’ve been casual about smoking—twice or three times a week, tops. and i slept on the floor of the shower while everybody else had wild monkey sex in the next room.

my circumference is the only thing i think about. i can’t date or have friends because nobody would dare be seen with such a disgusting creature. i’ve only kissed one person and i pushed him away HARD. and i’n spending the summer aggressively alone, trapped in a binge/purge/restrict cycle that hasnt gotten me under 65 kg in three years. i’m so lost. i just want to cut myself open and let the fat ooze out. it’s ruining my life.

i’m sorry for the rant. i’m really overwhelmed right now.

Urgently need someone to tell me why it is better that I keep on fasting until tomorrow instead of having a b/p session
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:56:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nugzp/urgently_need_someone_to_tell_me_why_it_is_better/
I don't even have cravings but I'm getting a nagging sense of 'you should b/p now you can just in case' and struggling to see past it. It's almost as if I thought it'll help me lose better than just fasting! I need someone to talk some sense into me please, if it's with personal experience the better. Thanks guys <3 (I'm fasting just to emotionally recover from a mini binge the day before yesterday, it won't be a long fast)

[Help] Tried EC stacking for the first time, felt STARVING?
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:54:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nugn3/tried_ec_stacking_for_the_first_time_felt_starving/
Heeelllppppp I just tried taking a Bronkaid tablet with some coffee and it literally made me ravenous??? What am I doing wrong?

Favorite low calorie ice cream brands and flavors?
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:38:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nubvm/favorite_low_calorie_ice_cream_brands_and_flavors/
When I started out on calorie counting, I was really into Halo Top. I made a list of their flavors and checked off trying nearly every one of them (aside from the flavors with nuts as I’m unfortunately allergic to them). A little over a year later, and I’ve started to explore other brands. My absolute favorite is enlightened cold brew coffee ice cream. But there are so many different brands and flavors out there that I can’t possibly try them all.

If you like low calorie ice cream, what are your favorite brands and flavors? What would you recommend that I try next?

[Discussion] Need advice on bonding with fellow ED’er
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:38:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nubsp/need_advice_on_bonding_with_fellow_eder/
Lol @ how pathetic my title sounds. And lol @ ‘ED’er’ but... y’all know what I mean.

Soooo I have this acquaintance that I’m about to be on vacation with for 2 weeks. Just the two of us plus our S/O’s. She also struggles with an ED (which she has only hinted toward in so many words in the past...but...when you’re in the same boat, you just *know*, you know?). Anyway, it’s about to be the biggest fucking elephant in the room at every meal and my anxiety about it is killing me. It also doesn’t help that we’re the same height and she’s about 10 lb’s lighter than me.

We get along amazingly well and have so much in common. The only reason we aren’t closer friends is because we haven’t spent enough time together....but I genuinely feel like we could be best friends...as lame and childish as that sounds... lmao. I’m kind of worried that while we’re drunk (which we will be), I’ll slip up and try to bond with her over it...... but fuck, I think I might regret it the next day. I just feel like it has 50/50 potential to go really well and bring us closer.....or the opposite.

What would you do if you were in my position? Should I just wait to see if she tries to say something (but what if she’s thinking the same way)? Should I just abort mission & forget about it all together?? Lmao. Halp!

so i tried going shopping for jeans today
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:31:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu9xv/so_i_tried_going_shopping_for_jeans_today/
buying clothes is a really stressful situantion but i really needed some pants that arent baggy as hell incase i have a good mental health day :D

so first i try on some slim jeans in my current size, look at myself in the mirror and i think wtf when did my legs get so skinny(in a good disordered way tho).

then later im at a different store which has mirrors all over so that you can see yourself from the side. and im all like wait no your hips are still way too fat, and the rest of your body too.
so what the hell is the truth? i just want to know how i really look :(

i even tried using the body visualizer a few times and everytime i literally cant comprehend that thats what im supposed to look like. is that really how other ppl see me??

ps: im on mobile - flair as rant

[Discussion] Food doesn’t taste good anymore???
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:29:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu9i6/food_doesnt_taste_good_anymore/
Ok idk if it’s just me but I have completely lost the Taste in food. Like my recent binges the whole time I was thinking “why am I eating this it doesn’t even taste good”. Like I can still taste the food but it just isn’t good at all anymore??!! I used to loooove food and it was like the only thing that made me happy now nothing tastes good and I don’t even feel like eating🤷🏼‍♀️

Knee problems from overexercise?
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:25:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu86g/knee_problems_from_overexercise/
So, I have a total love/hate relationship with exercise, but I do an intense 90 minutes of cardio and 10 mins of weights every day because ED brain. Recently though, my running and my stationary bike have been messing with me. I've been getting knee pain on the outer side of my knee, and for the past two days it's been pretty swollen. I wrapped it and cut back a bit on the intensity of my workout...but I don't know if I can take a day off completely. I don't want to go to my doctor because if she finds out I'm restricting and overexercising again she'll mess with my meds again, and I hate that.

Now, I don't know if this is just me, but the knee I get pain on is already kind of messed up. I was in a bad car accident a couple years back and I have nerve damage from that. The thing is though, my nerve damage tends to make me NOT feel things, so the pain is odd. Anyone else have experience with this? Any tips for helping minimize damage?

To those in the US- how do you stack up against your state? I'm at 23.9 and my state is a shocking 33.0!
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:24:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu7vy/to_those_in_the_us_how_do_you_stack_up_against/

What questions do they ask you before/during intake for O,IOP, PHP, IP?
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:22:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu7gw/what_questions_do_they_ask_you_beforeduring/
My husband and therapist have maybe guilted me into getting help. I just need to know what horrible truths ill have to say out loud when I call/go there for assessment.

Thank you

To those in the US- how do you compare to your state? I'm at 23.9 and my state is a shocking 33.0!
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:20:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu6z7/to_those_in_the_us_how_do_you_compare_to_your/

Is this normal?
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:17:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu5xa/is_this_normal/
I've been restricting meals a lot more than I usually do, purging has been almost impulsive and I've lost four pounds in a total of 4 days.
I'm ecstatic and on cloud nine, but is this water weight or true weight loss?
I've been getting my fluids and have the occassional veggie or saltine, also drink pickle brine when I feel myself starting to feel shitty.

[Discussion] DAE feel an uncontrollable urge for binges when you have your period?
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:16:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu5j5/dae_feel_an_uncontrollable_urge_for_binges_when/
I get maybe three periods throughout the whole year, but when I do nothing fills me up. So I fight with myself to not get up and go to the kitchen because I know if I only take one bite I won't stop eating for the rest of the day... Gained 4pounds in the past 2 days. I feel so horribly fat. Any tips to make it stop?

Not feeling "sick" enough
Created: Fri Jun 1 12:09:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu3oc/not_feeling_sick_enough/
In month in to "recovery" and im still in doubt if i actually need this or if I'm just giving myself excuses to eat whatever i want. I kind of knew that something was up with me after i lost weight. The lack of sleep, the insane focus on food, the zero sex drive etc. I always felt like i had 2 sides to me. Only now when I look back on my behaviors, i realise how bad i had become. Going to 4 different stores in a day to go look at food and low calorie options, not being able to sweat, having cold all the time,waking up in the middle of the night hungry as fuck. And still, 1 month in recovery my brain still tries to convince me that I'm just overreacting. That i need to be thin to be happy. But i know those are lies. All my hobbies and passions before my ed melted away from me. I isolated myself, spending hours on hours on learning ways to manage hunger. Every night when i go to sleep, i think to myself : why did this happen to me? Why did i go from a care free, chubby but extremely positive guy to a negative, black and white emotionless human being. My life only revolves around food and weight loss. And that's so sad if you think about it. I don't know why I'm posting this, i just feel so alone. Like no one understands. My ed helped me forget my ex for a while. Now that I'm trying to let go of my ED, I'm getting depressed about my ex again. I just hope that one day, one day i be normal again. Thanks for reading peeps <3

[Discussion] Anyone else do this?
Created: Fri Jun 1 11:58:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nu080/anyone_else_do_this/
So I got into basic meal prep and learned about seasonings/sauces and what they go well with. Today, as an example I cooked some turkey with bbq sauce and put some salad and rice near it. It's a balanced healthy meal, yet I just sat in front of it and put it away after a while. It makes me feel in control when I do this with any food.

[Thinspo] Soulcycle is the best thinspo
Created: Fri Jun 1 11:57:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ntzyi/soulcycle_is_the_best_thinspo/
Let me tell you nothing motivates me to diet like Soulcycle. Everyone there is blonde and skinny and strong. The instructors are all beautiful and inspiring. Like it’s like being surrounded by all the thinspo models i see on Instagram but they are like telling me how to look like them. Plus the workout is so good and I feel great after. It’s like one of the only things that make me skinnier but I also don’t hate myself the entire time.

The only issue is that it’s a little hard to get changed after the shower there but soon my body will look like theirs soon I hope.

[Discussion] Who else freaking loves the 1st of the month?
Created: Fri Jun 1 11:44:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ntw6e/who_else_freaking_loves_the_1st_of_the_month/
There’s something magical about starting a new month. I just feel like I can conquer anything, and it renews my excitement and determination to reach my goals!!!

IT’S JUNE! My goal is to go all 30 days of June without a binge. I’ve got too much to go until I hit my UGW. Ain’t nobody got time for a binge. 🙌🏼

[Discussion] DAE watch Supersize vs Superskinny?
Created: Fri Jun 1 11:13:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ntn1g/dae_watch_supersize_vs_superskinny/
DAE watch this? Its so gross when they food drops into the tube, but I watch it when I get bored.

Got my wisdom teeth out today!
Created: Fri Jun 1 10:58:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ntini/got_my_wisdom_teeth_out_today/
And boy am I going to drag this out as long as possible so I have an excuse not to eat anything.

Thanks justcico.com, I can't wait to reach my UGW of 0.0!
Created: Fri Jun 1 10:56:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nti1q/thanks_justcicocom_i_cant_wait_to_reach_my_ugw_of/

[Discussion] Share your interpretation of “fasting”
Created: Fri Jun 1 10:56:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nthzh/share_your_interpretation_of_fasting/
This is partially inspired by a brief Snapchat conversation with a friend: I snapped her a picture of my iced Americano for lunch with “does this drink with zero nutritional content break my fast” and she replied with “ramazan yes ED no” (we’re both Middle Eastern). For further context, Ramazan or Ramadan is the month in the Islamic calendar during which Muslims take a full fast from sunrise till sundown. These intermittent fasts are meant to encourage a person to spend time consciously devoting themselves to G*d, etc. etc. Pregnant and menstruating individuals, young kids, elderly people, and people with health conditions are told not to fast because the rules are pretty strict and can be a lot on a person: no food, no water, no gum, no coffee, no cigarettes/appetite suppressing drugs... But the nice part is the meal that breaks your fast is massive, there’s no restrictions on what you can eat at that point (aside from your standard Halal meat, no pork, no alcohol, but otherwise it’s zero restriction). And of course depending on what part of the world you live and when Ramazan happens to fall (it’s a lunar month) you can have very short (less than eight hours) or very long (twenty three and a half hours) fasts.

With all of that context described... I’ve been thinking about what constitutes a “valid fast”. I have certain restriction rules, and I’m well aware that to many with EDs I’m living like a spoilt baby. I never fast more than 24 hours, aim for 16, and usually average out to 18-19 intermittent. (I live with family and I rarely get more than 24 hours without being made to eat, but also I feel the cognitive effects of hunger really fast and can not afford to get stupider/slower because I’m hungry..) During my fasts I allow myself coffee (all black but I don’t drink any other way), water, carbonated drinks with no calories (can have any flavour), gum, crumbs sometimes, supplements for minerals/vitamins, supplements with calories (any amino acid supplement has calories technically even if the coating is cellulose based), and I’ve even had collagen powder (in water) before and not counted it as breaking my fast. That’s about an intake of 30 calories. I’ve also counted a single blueberry or a single cashew as breaking my fast before (they’re both less than 10 calories). The only food crumbs I’m okay with are the ones left on my own plate, immediately after I’ve finished eating. At those times it’s only okay because my fasts HAVE TO start at a time where the minutes past the hour are a multiple of 5, and preferably a multiple of 15 (so 6:15 pm is better than 6:25, but it cannot be 6:27 – if I finish my meal at 6:25 but then there’s a crumb of a pizza crust left that I eat at 6:27 I won’t consider that a violation of my fast because my fast started at 6:25.) Similarly while I’m okay with 30 calories of collagen powder in water, I will refuse to even have a sip of someone else’s non diet soda even if the whole can is a hundred calories and I’m taking the tiniest sip, because taking that sip breaks my fast.

I’m wondering what everyone considers to be a “valid” fast, and maybe what you believe has influenced your definition of fasting. I think everyone will have different answers and I’d like to compare across the board. I’d also like to hear if you’re like my friend and I, and have multiple definitions of fasting (like Muslim fasting vs ED fasting?)

Scared to weigh in..
Created: Fri Jun 1 10:55:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nthox/scared_to_weigh_in/
I'm so scared I gained weight. I have been eating less then 1000 calories ( only one day I exceeded over that by forced eating). Anyways, what should I expect for my weigh in today?

Also i'm going to the store today, does anyone suggest any low calorie foods?

[Other] Vintage diet ads museum?
Created: Fri Jun 1 10:17:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nt7b8/vintage_diet_ads_museum/
I've been obsessed with vintage diet ads/how weight and body image have been portrayed in the media through the years. I low key want to dedicate an ungodly amount of time into acquiring and creating a timeline or progression of weight and diet culture....

Does anyone know if anything like this currently exists?

What is "expected weight" (insurance)?
Created: Fri Jun 1 10:06:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nt3ka/what_is_expected_weight_insurance/
My insurance covers inpatient if you are less than 75% of expected weight. Is that 75% of 18.5 BMI or some other weight?

Shoutout to this anonymous confession for deterring me from chickening out of my fast
Created: Fri Jun 1 09:58:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nt16b/shoutout_to_this_anonymous_confession_for/

[Discussion] Do anyone else's binge urges just never go away on their own with time?
Created: Fri Jun 1 09:44:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nsw4a/do_anyone_elses_binge_urges_just_never_go_away_on/
So I've seen it written in multiple articles on how to stop binging to just ride the wave or urge surf, and with time the urges will subside. That you should just give yourself 30 minutes and the urge will pass. Or that you should just tell yourself that you can eat something in an hour if you still want to, but that when that time passes, you won't have the desire anymore.

Well, that shit doesn't work for me, which is making me really frustrated because I just can't break the cycle. I've never once had an urge just pass after half an hour, and if they do, they just come back with a vengeance. I've tried this so many times, and there were plenty of occasions where I'd go for a walk to distract myself and I just kept thinking about binging for 2-4 hours straight. And I'd come home and I would be losing it due to how unbearable it was, and I'd just binge. In the beginning, I also tried to tell myself that I can just live with the urges today, because tomorrow will be better. And then the next day came, and instead of urges subsiding, they just came back harder, until eventually I just couldn't take it anymore and I binged. Or I wake up with an intense desire to binge, try to fight it off the entire day, and then binge at the end anyway. In both of those cases, yeah, I made it longer than if I gave in immediately, but the binges are then just harder and longer, so in the end, I'm not even in a better position.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do, since the only way I don't binge is if I the urges don't even arise. But that's not something I can control. I've tried all kinds of mindfulness techniques mentioned in CBT books and in Brain Over Binge for when they do arise, but I found it's a lost cause. They say to just observe the thoughts with curiosity instead of judging them, which is all well and good, but after I do that 10 times in an hour, I get bored and can't really be curious about them anymore. Or to realize that it's your "animal brain" generating these urges, but so what? They're still in my head, and the brain is also not just split into two parts, it's one complex organ. So it seems intellectually dishonest and I just can't get behind this simplification. In turn, it of course doesn't work, because I question it.

Sometimes I get hopeful when I don't binge for a few days, but inevitably, that lucky streak ends, and then it's back to the same old. And I've also tried different things as far as the diet is concerned. For a while, I'd go with really high deficits so that maybe my mind would be distracted with faster weight loss. Didn't work consistently. Then I'd try a more moderate approach. Still the same thing. When I change something, I'm good for a few days because I'm hopeful that this new thing will work, but then it doesn't, and I'm in the same boat.

And the thing I hate most is that I probably exert more willpower now in a week than I did before in months when cutting without these urges. Yet, I've gone up around 40 lbs (and I've been roughly the same weight for the past 5 months), while before with a fraction of willpower invested, I've gone down 40 lbs and maintained that for 7 or 8 years. I even had untreated hypothyroidism then, and I was able to lose or maintain with so much less effort. I fucking hate this, it destroyed my life completely.

[Help] Help!
Created: Fri Jun 1 09:08:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nskky/help/
Help guys! I started my internship today and I get free lunches. It’s in a cafeteria style setting on a college campus. I just caught myself thinking “oh who cares I can eat whatever I want and it’ll be fine.” I know if I do that I’ll freak the fuck out afterwards. What should I do or eat? I really can’t skip this meal because I’ll be eating it with my director.

im lonely, sad and had alcohol. anyone want to join the pity party?
Created: Fri Jun 1 08:38:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nsci4/im_lonely_sad_and_had_alcohol_anyone_want_to_join/
this post isnt going anywhere, just, yeah. idk. the frustration i feel is becoming unbearable and this is all i can do about it.

i dont feel like a person.. i am legally an adult and yet i have less of a sense of self than a 6 year old. i mean its surely partially the insecurities of being a young adult, but... mainly my parents dont treat me like a person. they control everything, and theres no way i can currently break out of it (dont bother trying to give advice, i really am stuck here for now.)

ive been using restriction as a way of being a individual person, as a way of rebelling against my parents, but lately theyve been acting controlling about that aspect too.

i have nothing. i am no one. theres nothing i could do to be a person, where i live, because its a boring industrial town that has nothing to offer. i have no friends. i am too depressed to make money. i am not a person

All the compliments
Created: Fri Jun 1 08:10:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ns5y8/all_the_compliments/
I left 3 months ago for a camp, dropped about 50 lbs and now EVERYONE I see is telling me I lost weight and it's just the biggest confidence boost. My brother in law was like. "You lost weight. Good." And I know that sounds bad but I couldn't help but laugh and feel good about it.
My mil said that it looked like I lost 1/3 of myself. I know I got here through unhealthy methods but like?

Also, I'm a little worried this could cause problems later on. Like if they think I'm small at a size 12/14 then what'll happen when I hit size 6 or 4 or less.

Anyways thanks for letting me rant.

On a happier note
I've been officially alcohol free for 24 hours and binge free for 4 days!

You know you're in deep when you have a seizure for the first time and one of the first things you google is how many calories you burn during a seizure
Created: Fri Jun 1 08:00:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ns3am/you_know_youre_in_deep_when_you_have_a_seizure/
Googled it and found it hard to find an answer before realising that normal people wouldn't be worried about calories when they literally died and got resuscitated 😂😂😂😂

DAE wish they looked like their shadow?
Created: Fri Jun 1 07:57:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ns2l4/dae_wish_they_looked_like_their_shadow/
Okay this is kinda weird but hear me out. Basically since I was a kid I would see my shadow and wish that my body looked like my shadow- because it looks like me but thinner and better because it's stretched out. Is this weird or does anyone else do this?

[Rant/Rave] Poop party
Created: Fri Jun 1 07:44:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nrzdm/poop_party/
TMI. Ok guys, so for the past few days I’ve been restricting, and for some reason my stomach started feeling MIGHTY uncomfortable and I kept having those vibrations in the lower part of my tummy (below the belly button so sort of like the intestines) and literally I could feel movement and a lot of noises were coming from my stomach. I had a lot of trapped gas for some reason idk what but finally today all hell let loose and I am on the toilet, my 6th trip AND counting. I’m still bloated as hell and I know that I’m gonna sleep in the toilet tonight. My poop also came out looking SUPER weird. I’m freaking out lol I didn’t even binge but ?????? I’m not complaining though lmao

Offended and elated at the same time, wth
Created: Fri Jun 1 07:19:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nrtdx/offended_and_elated_at_the_same_time_wth/
So, on a political thread in the comments section on a forum outside of reddit someone started the personal attacks, of course.

Guys, I was told I wore the malnourished meth head look really well by some old man. 😂😂

The malnourished bit made my fucking day in a fucked up way and I bet he would be so pissed if he knew. The meth head bit was just... Wth lmao. Clear skin and all my teeth in good condition really shouts meth head.

[Sticky] Weekly Selfie, Progress Pic and OOTD Thread! June 01, 2018
Created: Fri Jun 1 06:14:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nreh0/weekly_selfie_progress_pic_and_ootd_thread_june/
This is the weekly picture thread for June 01, 2018.

Feel free to share your selfies, progress pics or outfit-of-the-day (OOTD) pics in this thread!

1. Be nice, **or you will be banned.**

2. Please use the reddit image uploading feature or [imgur](http://imgur.com/) as a host. *Tip: Keep your pictures from getting published to the Imgur gallery (and subsequently commented/voted on by the general Imgur public) by changing the setting from Public to Only Me. This makes your content only accessible via the direct URL.*

3. Members *may not* ask other members to comment on whether they are fat or skinny. There are other subs for that kind of feedback.

4. Consider adding commentary on featured brands, sizing, or inspiration behind your OOTD

**Remember that anyone can view the contents of this thread even if they are banned from this subreddit. If you receive unwanted messages, please contact the mods with a screenshot of the relevant messages. Note that even if we ban people, they can still message you, and they still have access to the contents of this subreddit. The best thing for you to do is to block them.**


Selfie, progress pic and OOTD threads are posted every Friday.

Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

Daily Food Diary! June 01, 2018
Created: Fri Jun 1 06:14:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nrefy/daily_food_diary_june_01_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for June 01, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Rant/Rave] My scale is broken
Created: Fri Jun 1 05:57:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nraur/my_scale_is_broken/
I'm so upset, and it's so stupid. My scale has apparently been telling me the wrong weight for the past few months?? I actually weigh 14lbs more than I thought I did. I feel like a whale. I'm so upset/mad at myself. My goal weights seem so so far away. I'm so fat what the fuck.

[Help] Scared to go over 100 calories a day.
Created: Fri Jun 1 05:54:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nraa4/scared_to_go_over_100_calories_a_day/
Maybe a little self explanatory from the title but as of the past couple weeks I’ve began restricting more and more, starting from about 500 a day to now 100. I hate it and it’s slowing down my metabolism so badly I’m barely losing any weight and I’m so extremely weak, but I can’t stop. I’m too scared to go any higher and it’s deeply worrying me that I’ve reached this point.
Anyone have any advice on how to up intake without freaking out? I tried to eat 300 yesterday and ended up purging and running it off.
I hate this.

Gaining weight after heavy restriction?
Created: Fri Jun 1 05:32:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nr5ud/gaining_weight_after_heavy_restriction/
Restricted heavily yesterday for the first time in a few days. I’ve stayed at around or below 1200 calories for the last 5ish days and ate a little below 600 yesterday. Woke up expecting to see a loss, but I weighed 143! I feel suuuper bloated too. So does anyone restrict heavily and retain a bunch of water?

Someone said I look like I lost weight today.
Created: Fri Jun 1 05:14:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nr2p0/someone_said_i_look_like_i_lost_weight_today/
I was so happy when she told me that. It made me want to hop on the treadmill for 45 minutes just so I can keep getting complimented.

[Rant/Rave] 6 years since he died and I need a rant
Created: Fri Jun 1 05:14:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nr2kh/6_years_since_he_died_and_i_need_a_rant/
Hi everyone, soz bout the dramatic title I feel like it's kinda justified today tbh.

It's been 6 years to the day since my boyfriend/fwb/who even knows died from heart failure caused by his anorexia/drug abuse/everything and I'm still not coping?? Supposedly I've been 'recovered' for like at least 3 years now but unfortunatly ED's like to come back and remind you how in control they are every once in a while. It feels like absolute failure because everyone around me is so proud of how far I've come and yet I feel like an absolute fraud cause I'm still b/p'ing and (attempting to) restrict every day. And it makes it so much worse on days like today when literally my whole family has gone on holiday without me and I'm expected to somehow not fuck up by myself for 3 days literally a week before the most important uni exams of my life (yay biomed honours ugh).

I just really don't know how to feel like?!?! I just jumped in our pool and it's 10 degrees out and maybe I've given myself hypothermia but I'm drunk so it's okay to be this self destructive right??

Idk where I was even going with this. If you've gotten this far then thanks proud of u for listening to my whining. I've been lurking here for a lil bit and you guys all seem so supportive and I feel like I need a little of that rn without people telling me to just get over it/get better/stop being a whiny lil shit.

[Rant/Rave] Finally tried to seek help and was genuinely told I’m not sick enough.
Created: Fri Jun 1 04:00:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nqple/finally_tried_to_seek_help_and_was_genuinely_told/
On mobile and first post here, so apologies in advance.

I know I have a problem with my eating; heavy restriction. It’s been going on for years but over the past few months I’m almost certain, that at age 26, I’m going through an early menopause linked to my restriction. I do want kids one day and so I forced myself to get help. I don’t want to be infertile. The hair loss, the bruising, the fainting - I can deal with all that. The obsession over which Greek yoghurt has less calories and the hours in the supermarket - I can cope with that. But I want a family one day.

I went to see my GP, who referred me urgently to a mental health nurse. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done to walk into that room and lay my ED bare. I’ve just come out of that appointment to be told that the waiting lists are too long already for the eating disorder team and I’m not underweight enough to be considered.

What the fuck. Now what? I’m scared this is just going to push me deeper into restriction until they deem me sick enough. But what is sick enough? Hospitalisation? I can’t recover on my own, I’ve tried and I can’t. I’m so scared. I’m so angry. I don’t want to die from this disease, but I feel like they won’t take me seriously until I’m almost there.

I had bloods done yesterday, so fuck knows what I’ll do if they come back and confirm I’ve entered the menopause. I guess I’ll update you on Tuesday when I get the results if anyone is interested.

I’m sorry this post is so long. I feel like I have nowhere else to turn now. I’ve lurked in this community for a long time and you guys all seem amazing. I just needed to rant. Now it’s time to go to work and try and put on a brave face.

Thank you for reading, if you got this far. So much love to everyone. This struggle is horrendous and I have so much love and admiration for you all for just taking each day as it comes xxx

Created: Fri Jun 1 03:16:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nqik7/i_did_it/
Posted the other day about being 203lbs and hoping to get to 199lbs on my Friday weigh in. Well...

198lbs!! 🎉

I fuckin did that.

I hate myself. Nothing I do is right.
Created: Fri Jun 1 02:20:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nq9vt/i_hate_myself_nothing_i_do_is_right/
I'm too scared to eat thanks to this b/p cycle from hell (post treatment and gaining 6 kilos in 6 weeks on 1800 a day with exercise. WTF) I'm an idiot so I'm trying a bunch of different diets to fix it, because eating like a normal person is a little too terrifying for me. I wanted to do a liquid diet of Fortisip and Sustagen but Fortisip is too scary for me and today when I tried to make Sustagen from the powder, I spilt it all over the floor (I'm very superstitious and took it as a sign that I'm not supposed to have Sustagen... ridiculous I know). I've had issues with my gut for ages so I tried to do a gluten free diet to see if it helped but I got stuck in the all or nothing mentality and kept binging on bread. Tried to go vegan like I used to be, but no amount of documentaries or footage of animals could make me care all that much. Tried OMAD but I feel like I'm dying if I skip breakfast. None of these have worked and I'm still b/ping and I can't deal with this anymore. Help me. I just want to be able to restrict again.

[Help] I think that my coworker “outed” me to my boss
Created: Fri Jun 1 02:02:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nq6u9/i_think_that_my_coworker_outed_me_to_my_boss/
About a month or so ago, I was talking to a coworker of mine who I kind of consider to be a friend, when I suddenly had a breakdown and I ended up telling her that I have an eating disorder.

She didn’t really say much, and that’s okay because really, what can a person say in response to that?

Anyway, her and I ended up going on lunch at the same time today so we were both hanging out in the break room.

She was eating, and asked if I was going to have something for lunch.

I told her no, because I had a shorter shift so I was just going to eat when I got home.

Later on before I left, she was chatting in the office with my boss (which isn’t unusual, we’re all pretty talkative), and my boss says to me “you are such a tiny little thing! How much do you weigh?”

It caught me off guard to say the least.

I wasn’t about to tell them that it was none of their business because I felt like that’d be a dead giveaway that I have a problem.

I didn’t want to tell them my current weight (102 lbs) because I was embarrassed by how high it felt to me, so like a fool, I told the my lowest weight (93 lbs).

Then my boss and coworker/friend reacted as if they were going to “guess”, but stopped themselves.

My boss went on to say “I only ask because you’re small like my son, but he weighs 80 lbs. But you’re older, so you’ve got more muscle and denser bones...”

To me it seemed like she was trying to assure me that I was normal.

I don’t know, it made me really uncomfortable.

It was just so random, it seems like too much of a coincidence to me.

I think my coworker told my boss, and now I’m afraid that maybe she’s told other people as well.

I’m hurt and I really want to be mad at her, but would it even be worth it to confront her?
She’s basically my only friend.

TL;DR I think my boss and coworkers know that I have an eating disorder.

Someone told me today to write down my dream, put it on a fridge, and work toward it every day.
Created: Fri Jun 1 01:42:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nq3q8/someone_told_me_today_to_write_down_my_dream_put/
I've been mostly off the restriction for the past few years...but I also feel like crap.

As soon as she said to write down my dream, the only thing I could think of was "be thin."

So I'm going to do it. I'm going to look at that thing every morning and get back to the real me.

[Help] Help! What should I buy to make my fridge look full?
Created: Fri Jun 1 00:25:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npqls/help_what_should_i_buy_to_make_my_fridge_look_full/
What’s in your fridge that lasts forever and has low binge potential?

I’m sick of people commenting on how empty my fridge is.

just some cute ED talk
Created: Fri Jun 1 00:08:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npndq/just_some_cute_ed_talk/

New bracelet, it’s cliche but I feel kinda oddly connected to it?
Created: Fri Jun 1 00:07:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npncl/new_bracelet_its_cliche_but_i_feel_kinda_oddly/

[Rant/Rave] DAE wish rice had less carbs?
Created: Fri Jun 1 00:06:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npn38/dae_wish_rice_had_less_carbs/
It's so good at absorbing flavours, so easy to cook and so cheap! But every time I eat it I have to fast for 24 hours just so I don't feel like a fat hog. Ugh, I wish I had like hyperthyroidism

[Discussion] HAPPY PRIDE MONTH (sorta on topic)
Created: Fri Jun 1 00:03:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npmk8/happy_pride_month_sorta_on_topic/
What are you guys doing to celebrate?

I'm going to a 3 day pride celebration next weekend(8th-10th), mostly for Saturday, Kimbra is coming to perform!!! Pride month always gets me motivated though, I see people in outfits I only wish I could pull off... :(

But yea, what are you guys doing this month?

[Discussion] would you guys want a subreddit for restrictive eating disorders?
Created: Thu May 31 23:54:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npkyx/would_you_guys_want_a_subreddit_for_restrictive/
Hi, I've seen a lot of comments about people with restrictive eating disorders not feeling like they have anywhere to vent, and I was wondering if you guys would want a subreddit for that? I don't know how creating subreddits work, but if anyone does know and if it's a wanted thing could it happen?

I'm not restrictive, but I can understand how some people might not feel like they can't relate to a lot of the binge posts. There's a subreddit for BingeEatingDisorder and Bulimia which are both pretty active from what I can tell, and there's a subreddit for AnorexiaNervosa but it's not active. Just a thought!

would you guys want a subreddit for restrictive eating disorders?
Created: Thu May 31 23:53:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npkqt/would_you_guys_want_a_subreddit_for_restrictive/
Hi, I've seen a lot of comments about people with restrictive eating disorders not feeling like they have anywhere to vent, and I was wondering if you guys would want a subreddit for that? I don't know how creating subreddits work, but if anyone does know and if it's a wanted thing could it happen?

I'm not restrictive, but I can understand how some people might not feel like they can't relate to a lot of the binge posts. There's a subreddit for BingeEatingDisorder and Bulimia which are both pretty active from what I can tell, and there's a subreddit for AnorexiaNervosa but it's not active. Just a thought!

Random question here!!
Created: Thu May 31 23:46:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npjfk/random_question_here/
Does having anxiety burn extra calories?? (From being tense all the time -- like the only way I can relax is if I consciously order my muscles to relax.)

I don't know how to feel about scales
Created: Thu May 31 23:42:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npiti/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_about_scales/
I hate scales so much. I literally destroyed my last one in a rage fit because I wasn't the weight that I wanted to be.

Now, I'm thinking of buying a new one because not knowing how much I weigh is killing me. I feel dumb. I don't know if I should.

It's 1 AM and instead of sleeping I wrote a poem about my ED
Created: Thu May 31 23:06:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8npbfx/its_1_am_and_instead_of_sleeping_i_wrote_a_poem/
Age-old story, right? It's free verse (which I know isn't everyone's cup of tea) and it probably doesn't make any sense but I guess that's appropriate given how miserable I feel right now. I don't really have anyone else to share this with, so thanks so much for even just clicking; it means a lot. Possible TW.




I feel



Folds and rippling waves of matter

seep into the crevices of

my abdomen

and curl

to form dysphoria

about my being;

like a newspaper tightly wound and held to itself

by a string, and

I desperately pull at it and pull

and pull

but it never loosens

like the seams of my blue dress as it crushes

my skin like a brush

on white canvas

or brown hair.


It’s hot


I claw

at the textile about my bone

but all that escapes is

a sea of scarlets and reds

that foams

through a fissure of torn

fabric and


for being unable to tear more,


to gouge from my figure a content

that fills me in a way

that makes me want

to cry.


I feel


contentment deficiency


devoid of a certain


in simple somatic


To feel as though one’s

being is larger

than one’s capacity

to feel, and that one cannot, for that,


like playing the points of a fork across

a porcelain




Boyfriend feels guilty
Created: Thu May 31 22:36:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8np53d/boyfriend_feels_guilty/
So my boyfriend's been trying to recover from his ED and acknowledges that it hasn't been going well / fell off the bandwagon. (He still doesn't know he's sort of pushed me into a relapse...)

Last night he got wasted, and came to me crying, which he doesn't normally do. It was kind of scary to see him like that.

Anyway. He confessed that he felt fucking guilty as hell for not being able to 'get over' his ED. He said he knows his ED could kill him. We have plans to travel to Europe next summer, and we've casually tossed out ideas of getting married one day, of traveling together and getting a nice house in the mountains someday.

He said he feels bad because he wants all of these things in his life, but he can't let go of his ED, even though he "knows itll kill him" and he said he couldn't handle the guilt of doing that to me, to himself.

He's never expressed these thoughts to me before, and I'm assuming it was partly the alcohol talking, but now I'm a little scared. Hypocritical, maybe, too, considering we're in the same boat, even if he doesn't know it. It just scared me to see him like that, and I don't have anyone else to talk to, because none of our friends know about our EDs.

Ugh. I'm sorry if this didn't make any sense. I'm well on my way to drunk myself and just feel really weird and upset about this.

No matter how much I lose I always return back to the same weight as before.
Created: Thu May 31 22:27:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8np30b/no_matter_how_much_i_lose_i_always_return_back_to/
I'm 5'4" and the weight I keep returning to is 127lbs. I've been on a cycle for 5 years of losing down to 120 and gaining up to 135 but always returning to 127. Any one else have an issue with fluctuations? Can't seem to keep it stable.

A little something that brightened my mood
Created: Thu May 31 22:00:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nowq2/a_little_something_that_brightened_my_mood/

[Help] How to get thinspo legs
Created: Thu May 31 21:25:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nooxq/how_to_get_thinspo_legs/
I’m 19F, 5’5”, 115 lbs, bmi 19.1 and I was a softball catcher for about 7 years so I have very toned thighs and fat. But it gets in the way of getting a clear thigh gap. How can I get rid of this?

Why have I seen literally four posts in the past day asking the same thing?
Created: Thu May 31 21:09:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nolaa/why_have_i_seen_literally_four_posts_in_the_past/
About if people without EDs have any idea about how nutrition works...

I get it. The first time, the first post, I agreed. It's surprising how much more I know about food and that nowadays I'd be terrified *not* to know, and how some people are ikay with being fat and seemingly unbothered. But some of the comments I've seen, lambasting people who don't count calories and get fat or even healthy weight people who don't count macros or do CICO (if they're healthy their intuition must be working)... you know that EDs kill more people than any other illness, and that being underweight even without an ED very quickly becomes a health hazard moreso than overweightedness (I think obesity is about the same). I really don't feel like anyone should be feeling superior in here. We're literally killing ourselves -- that's what makes it a disorder. And being fat can be deadly, too, but a lot more slowly and with a much better quality of life in the meanwhile.

Fat people aside, saying that healthy weighted people who think calorie counting is bad are just trying to justify their bingeing? So normal people should all be expected to starve and purge? You know the human race would go extinct if it was entirely like us, right? No one would be fertile, for one.

I get it that it's hard to maintain restriction or fasting. But despite the name, this sub isn't strictly proana.... it's pro ed support. And a lot of the comments I've read are very much pro ana. I've loved what this community has given me in terms of insight and self love towards myself despite my disorder but I really don't want to be involved in a group that justifies what I consider myself to be SUFFERING from. I just hope it doesn't become that. ♡

My mom is being a hypocrite.
Created: Thu May 31 21:06:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nokmf/my_mom_is_being_a_hypocrite/
This morning, I went downstairs for my daily weigh-in and my mom was already up and about so I was like, *shit*. I still really wanted to know my weight, so I stepped on the scale, and she said that it didn't matter whether or not I weighed myself because I am still FAT and me starving myself will put me in "starvation mode", thus leading to weight gain. I was thinking, fuck you bitch, I actually went down a pound from yesterday so don't give me your stupid, unsolicited comment. I hate how she cares even though she's actually overweight (her BMI is 26/27). Today, I had planned to skip dinner after my run, and when I came home, she had already cooked for me despite me not telling her to beforehand! I know I'm being an unappreciative brat, but holy heck I freaked out. She then lectures me on my weight, now saying that I am too THIN and I am very very sick, watching me angrily eat. She believes I am "big-boned" and will never be skinny, which is fatlogic bullshit. Then, I had to go to the gym afterwards to burn off what I ate and I was super pissed since I was already exhausted. I really hate her right now.

Would you consider this Purging?
Created: Thu May 31 21:04:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nok6o/would_you_consider_this_purging/
Intentionally eating only fruit knowing it will cause you have diarrhea?

Unrealistic expectations
Created: Thu May 31 20:45:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nofs7/unrealistic_expectations/
So I had vague plans to maybe move to Los Angeles for the past few months, but nothing concrete (which translates to "I have tons of time to lose weight but no real deadline, so nothing will change"). Now it's happening, and I met a roommate over Facebook and I'm moving mid-July - "plenty of time to lose at least 30 pounds". Because LA is...let's face it, I don't want to be the disgusting disgusting weight I am right now when I get there. Not pretty for anyone.

Only problem: she's coming to my city in TWO WEEKS by chance and (sensibly) was like "hey girl let's meet up!". So now I guess I'm fasting as much as possible because I am literally so huge and gross and disgusting, I don't want her to meet a new roommate who looks like me lol. That's not even my ED talking, it's my b/p'ing and alcoholism that's kept me hovering at an overweight/obese BMI for the past year. And she's gorgeous and a normal weight.

Anyone have any similar unrealistic deadlines lately? Like I'm literally like "if I just don't eat maybe I'll lose 30 pounds in two weeks and it'll stay off." (I know better but still think it.) And doing that what if-ness? What if I'd just stuck to restricting a year ago? What if I had even done a normal diet? I'd be a normal weight and still might hate myself but at least I could look in the mirror or try on clothes without crying.

Rant over, I'm just happy I have someplace to rant to about this stuff. This is the only outlet I have where people not only understand but also relate.

grocery shopping for my recovery? what r some foods that won't make me feel morbidly obese ): i truly do want to stop binging and purging?! will eating (healthier) foods make me happy? any meals u suggest for recovery?! anything will help 💖
Created: Thu May 31 20:37:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nodyc/grocery_shopping_for_my_recovery_what_r_some/

[Rant/Rave] Dealing with insensitive people :(
Created: Thu May 31 20:21:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8noa89/dealing_with_insensitive_people/
I've gained 30 pounds within the past 4 months because of binging, bringing me to the highest weight I've ever been at. Even though I feel uncomfortable in my body and I hate the way I look, I constantly reminded myself that although it may seem like I've gained a lot of weight, I'm still in a healthy weight range \(although on the higher end of it.\) I tell myself that I still have all my life to lose that weight SLOWLY and that if I restrict too low, I'll fall into the pattern of binging and restricting again.

A couple days ago, I was with two of my guy friends and somehow, we started talking about the types of girls they like. Then one of them asks the other out of the blue, " Hey, would you rather have a BMI of 99 and weight 100 kg like \*insert my name here\* or a BMI of 13 and weight 36 kg like \*insert name of one of my really thin close friends.\*" I was shocked. My other friend told this guy to shut up and even went as far as to try and cover his mouth before those hurtful words were said, but I still heard everything. I just can't stop thinking about it...I know that he was joking, and I know that I don't actually weigh that much, but it just hurts. It's not the first time he's made fun of me for my weight either...He always reminds me that I weigh more than him even though he's taller, and constantly suggests that it would be a "good idea" for me to skip meals.

What the actual heck?? I know my friend and I know he's a good person at heart, but he just doesn't know my limits even though I've told him MULTIPLE TIMES to stop fat shaming me!! I don't know what to do anymore...I don't want to stop being friends with him because our good memories out weigh the bad ones, but sometimes I just can't deal with the self\-hatred he makes me feel.

Did anyone else grow up really poor and do you think it played a part in your ED?
Created: Thu May 31 19:57:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8no4hg/did_anyone_else_grow_up_really_poor_and_do_you/
I grew up poor to the point where we literally had no food at all at some points. I still have really bad food anxiety over it

[Help] Hair?!
Created: Thu May 31 19:54:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8no3xt/hair/
Do you sometimes feel like your hair not only falls, but it also doesn’t grow? Or takes longer to grow? Have you taken any vitamins or supplements for it to grow faster?

who's up for a 24 hr fast?
Created: Thu May 31 19:35:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nnzkp/whos_up_for_a_24_hr_fast/
I'm just finishing my delightful time of the month and had a not so healthy day today. I just want to reset with a quick fast. Also, I'm kinda sad about my appearance in general today weight aside. Sucks being fugly.

Created: Thu May 31 19:35:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nnzhm/epiphany/
Trying to recover, but really.

I started carrying around a little blue book. It's a place to put all my disordered thoughts so that they stop crashing around in my head. Sometimes, I can't tell if the thought is disordered and it's nice to have some distance between myself and them. It's been almost two months since I started therapy, and the thoughts have become more spread out, more able to be reasoned with. Yet, every day I still had the thought, "I need to lose weight."

Today, I was caught up in trying to set career and life goals, and I came to the conclusion that losing weight doesn't fit into that. In fact, starving myself actively gets in the way of things that are important to me.

This is my victory for today. I fully expect the thoughts to come back tomorrow. It's nice to know that maybe one day the scale won't rule.

Cheers to everyone out there! Whatever your current victories are. Whatever your current struggles are. I'm so happy this place exists to share in the hell that is fighting mind every single day.

[Other] Detailed description of where my body will be in two weeks (I'm not far)
Created: Thu May 31 19:29:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nny3j/detailed_description_of_where_my_body_will_be_in/
June 2018.

Abdomen: I have an abdomen that has two sharp lines down the middle and one horizontal line. The "V" is sharp and has veins and a little fuzz on it from being very thin. My waist is around 22". It's obviously missing any sort of fat, and under my defined ribs, my waste is tight coming in.

Chest: I have bones in my chest that cast shadows.

Legs: my thigh gap is about an inch and a half wide when I'm standing straight up. My knees are knobby but I have great calf angles. My quads also tighten in at the knees. If I flex a little, my quads and Hams are very visible. They are my favorite body part. When I sleep, my knees rub together. My hip bones jet out when I take a bath.

Shoulders: my shoulder blades are visible and in lighting from above, they have all kinds of angles. Because of my weight training regimen, I have pretty defined traps.

Arms: My shoulders cast shadows on my arms creating a shredded look. When I put my left arm on my hip, there's a bulging vein over my bicep. My forearms are very veiny underneath and tiny. They are frail looking but not sick.

Weight: I am 97 pounds.

[Help] How to deal with facing recovery when you really dont want too ?
Created: Thu May 31 19:16:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nnv3e/how_to_deal_with_facing_recovery_when_you_really/
My mum and sister have been suspicious of my weight loss. I was taken to the doctor again today and my bmi was measured (18.1). The doctor said anything under 20 was underweight ??? He gave my mum all these outpatient programs and she is taking me next week. I am terrified of gaining weight. I actually like how I look now and I feel like a total fraud because I dont even want to lose anymore. I am terrified that the outpatient place wont be happy until I am over bmi 20.
I guess the only thing I am okay with is that the treatment is free..I feel like I would die if mum spent money on me over this.

I had to get this off my chest.

What am I supposed to do?
Created: Thu May 31 19:15:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nnuwb/what_am_i_supposed_to_do/
So I definitely ate too much today, about 2000 calories. I felt light headed after working out and convinced myself it was ok but I'm kicking myself for that. I've never purged before and I never want to so what do I do. Why did I eat so much? This is awful.

[Other] Saw myself on the front page
Created: Thu May 31 18:24:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nnis2/saw_myself_on_the_front_page/

Bulimia vs teeth whitening
Created: Thu May 31 18:23:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nnig2/bulimia_vs_teeth_whitening/
Has anyone tried to bleach their teeth while still purging?

[Rant/Rave] i can't stop binging
Created: Thu May 31 18:21:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nni21/i_cant_stop_binging/
it's been over a week and i just can't stop. i restricted for a few days and then just started binging and i haven't stopped i usually can after a couple days but i just can't now. i was literally drooling while eating a snickers in the store today:-( i'm so upset and i've gone from 103 to 108 idk how to stop binging on everything. it's not even good food just whatever there is mixed together and it sucks

Why do I feel so immensely guilty?
Created: Thu May 31 17:45:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nn94i/why_do_i_feel_so_immensely_guilty/
I don't have clinical until 1pm on Thursdays, so I usually work out in the mornings before I go. Today was the last day for this rotation, so we were supposed to get done early. I looked at the spin class schedule and saw a Cycle + Flow class (spin and yoga) for this evening that I would probably be able to make as long as we actually got out early. I didn't register for the class before clinical because I wanted to make sure I'd be able to attend. I was getting antsy this morning though, so I also went on the elliptical for about 25 minutes just in case. Then I walked 1 mile to the train and to clinical, walked around the hospital for a few hours, and got let out at 5:30, plenty early enough for the class. Then I walked another mile to the train and home, resulting in roughly 15,000 steps walked today. But it was so muggy on my walk home I could feel myself getting lightheaded and I know I'm dehydrated and I just don't think I have it in me to go to this class.

We also had a mini-celebration at clinical, where everyone brought in food to share. I had some cut up plantains, 3 spoonfuls of rice, 2 pieces of pepperoni with 2 small squares of colby jack cheese, and half a slice of pepperoni bread. I avoided the cookies and munchkins completely. I have no idea how many calories I ate, and that's stressing me out too. Then after my walk home, I was so hungry so I ate soup.

I know rationally that it's good for me to rest tonight and I did some exercise but my ED brain is screaming at me for being so lazy. I just needed to get this off my chest, sorry for the long post.

[humor] - I’m thinking of having some things removed...
Created: Thu May 31 16:43:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nmse4/humor_im_thinking_of_having_some_things_removed/
Just things I don’t need.. or want in my body.. I mean fat.. of course.. but beyond that... like my uterus.. I don’t need that right? How much does a uterus weigh? I bet I could reach my ultimate goal weight if I had that useless fucker removed.. and who needs two kidneys? What else could I get removed?? I’m sure a few ribs could be spared.. lol spare ribs!?!? Omg I think I’m hilarious.. problem is I’m joking... but also not jolking.

Is there a fatlogic circlejerk sub?
Created: Thu May 31 16:38:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nmr80/is_there_a_fatlogic_circlejerk_sub/
Does anyone know?

[Discussion] Packing lunch to avoid temptation?
Created: Thu May 31 16:26:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nmo9a/packing_lunch_to_avoid_temptation/
So, my new job is amazing, but I will be working through most of my waking hours many days. If you pack a lunch to avoid the vending machine/fast food/catered lunch temptation, what is your go-to meal? Preferably super filling and super cheap, but all suggestions welcome.

it's so scary how fast the habits and urges come back
Created: Thu May 31 16:23:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nmnms/its_so_scary_how_fast_the_habits_and_urges_come/
last year-january of this year i was on keto for a few months, and during that i would consume maybe 500-700 calories a day. i felt okay doing that. i got off keto after january for a little while, then got back on it for about a month and consumed 500-700 calories a day, again. i got off it AGAIN and ate like a "normal" person, like 1000+ calories a day for a little while, but day before yesterday i felt like i just needed to stop. i decided to start restricting, so yesterday i consumed somewhere in the ballpark of 600-700 calories and today i consumed 800-900 calories. i already feel so disgusting admitting that i've even eaten that much, and i feel like i've completely relapsed into my ed (i don't even know if i feel comfortable saying i have an ed). i just feel horrible all around, like i'm eating way too much and i feel disappointed that i feel hungry. i don't know. sorry i just started rambling. i hope this makes sense.

Know what I love?
Created: Thu May 31 16:04:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nmiru/know_what_i_love/
How big my eyes look while I'm restricting. I've been fasting for three days now, and they look so much better than they did before. Not sure if this is my mind playing tricks on me, but it sure is nice (even if I haven't yet lost weight after not eating for three days -.- )

[Rant/Rave] Dealing with hurtful comment on my weight :(
Created: Thu May 31 15:23:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nm83z/dealing_with_hurtful_comment_on_my_weight/
Kinda need some support from people who understand.. my friend made a nasty comment about my weight today and it’s completely shocked me and took me by surprise.

She hasn’t seen me in about a week, when she saw me she was a bit annoyed with me over something else and then she said I look different.. my instant paranoid thought is that I’ve gained weight and I look fat..

I asked her why I look different, said maybe it’s my makeup, or the outfit I’m wearing, or my hair. Cos she didn’t say I look different in a bad way so I didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

She said “no it’s not that, I don’t want to tell you cos you will get upset”. Internally I start panicking but I keep calm and say “now I definitely want to know, please just tell me cos otherwise I’m gonna be paranoid about what it is”.

She said “you’ve gained weight”, I asked “oh my god is it that bad?” (Trying to do a normal person reaction), she said “Yes it’s noticeable... but it’s ok” then she just left!!

I was shocked, it’s like all my worst nightmares and fears coming true.

By the way I have gained a little weight but only a few lb and it’s been gradual.. my BMI is in the healthy range. I don’t mind if my friend had noticed I gained a bit of weight and was concerned about me and approached it in a kind and sensitive way.. but it’s like she deliberately did it in a way which made me worried about what it was, then made me push her to say.

When I suggested it was my hair/makeup/outfit she had plenty of opportunity to be kind but she chose to take the unkind option :/ it’s like she wanted to hurt me.

She knows I have eating problems and low body confidence, she’s seen me crying trying to get ready for a night out because I hate how all my clothes look on me and I don’t want to go out because I feel too fat.

I feel like complete and utter shit. I’m doing my final exams and I gave myself a “free pass” to allow myself to not worry about my weight until I’ve finished my last exam, because if I don’t do well in these exams I’ve wasted 3 years of my life at university and I’ve already lost so much because of my eating problems I was terrified it would happen again. For once I felt like something was more important than my weight..

And now it’s back to my weight being more important than revising because instead of working I’m sat in my room crying, looking in the mirror comparing myself to old photos and comparing my current measurements against past ones. I feel like I’m losing my mind cos I’m so upset.

I desperately need to go and revise, and get over this one stupid nasty comment! Please let me know I’m not crazy for being this upset.. and any tips on how to not take the comment to heart?

Actually it was a really bad timing for the comment as well cos I’d just been to the gym and on my way home I went to the shop and bought lots of fruits and berries, cucumber (for the fake watermelon snack; cucumber with sweetener sprinkled on it), zero calorie energy drink and sugar free chewing gum. Peak ED shopping basket. So her comment was made at the worst time 🙃

What are your lives like? Do you get excited for things outside ED? the chicken or the egg? Hellpppppppppppppp
Created: Thu May 31 15:08:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nm3vo/what_are_your_lives_like_do_you_get_excited_for/
I am so depressed unless I'm losing. It keeps me going but at some point you need to stop. Last time, when I hit my lw, I just swapped the ''dopamine'' of starving and losing for the dopamine of bulimia and gained enough to be ok and now here I am losing again. The thing is; I've tried medication, exercise, ''accomplishments'' and for now the only thing that has been ''enough'' is losing. But I know it eventually stops being enough/you have to stop. Drugs and alcohol are also tempting, but they can also make me much worse so I stay away. How do you guys live? Not really an ED question but I just feel so empty and flat and uncomfortable all the time, not looking forward to anything at all nor getting satisfaction, only from seeing a lower number (that also is starting to fade) or veeeeery momentarily from b/p but I don't even do it lately cause I don't even get that hit anymore. I wish I had someone to tell me what to do to be ok. I have read waaaay too much ''scientific'' self help bull on what makes humans happy but it won't work.

Can anyone tell me what to expect in PHP/Residential?
Created: Thu May 31 15:08:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nm3tr/can_anyone_tell_me_what_to_expect_in/
My treatment team is telling me I need to go residential if I want to get better and PHP at minimum if I can't do residential right now.

Can anybody be share their experience/tell me what to expect? How long would I be in there for?

[Discussion] Is the weight setpoint a real thing?
Created: Thu May 31 15:07:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nm3m3/is_the_weight_setpoint_a_real_thing/
I've been doing some research and came across this thing called a weight setpoint which I had no clue about, it basically is a theory about how everyone's body has a natural weight they should be at and that you can't eat normally and be below that weight.

I'm not sure what mine is because the last time I remember eating intuitively was when I was 12. But also I remember a period of eating intuitively a few months ago when I was trying to fix my BED, where I was borderline overweight.

So there's people claiming that calorie counting is bullshit and as long as you eat when you're hungry you will maintain your healthy natural weight setpoint because your body fights to be at that weight no matter what. I saw this girl who claims she eats 3000 calories a day (which she says is way above her TDEE) who maintains her weight.

I suppose it would explain the whole 'naturally skinny' thing. I just find it absurd that people can say CICO doesn't work

It kind of scares me, as does the whole 'slow metabolism' thing. I want to recover and eat normally, it would be nice if I could do that now but I feel like I don't want to eat normally until I'm skinny... so this claim that I'll gain back all the weight when I stop restricting because my metabolism will be ruined is terrifying.

Idk, what do you guys think about it? Complete myth or true?

[Discussion] do regular people know nothing about nutrition/health?
Created: Thu May 31 15:06:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nm3c7/do_regular_people_know_nothing_about/
not exactly ed related, but i’ve been reading youtube comments in a video of a girl who’s lost weight, and i’m realizing that these people no idea how weight loss works. one comment says “cutting calories is actually really bad for you because it’s not the calories that make you gain weight. calories are what feeds your brain and give you energy. it’s the fat and sugar in processed foods that make you gain weight.” i don’t understand how people are so clueless. how can you NOT know that calories are what cause weight gain?

[Discussion] Does anyone else here loving having small boobs?
Created: Thu May 31 14:40:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nlvyi/does_anyone_else_here_loving_having_small_boobs/

[Rant/Rave] Room mate food rant
Created: Thu May 31 14:39:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nlvn4/room_mate_food_rant/
If you have BED, this might offend you, but I need to vent about this disordered side of myself. It's just part of a knowingly horribly part of myself. It's food fear please dont take it personally. I cannot talk about this to people in real life but I need this rant so bad.

Now that the disclaimer is aside.

I got set with a random room mate in my living arrangement and the girl I have ended up living with is morbidly obease. 300+ pounds. Broke our toilet from sitting on it and can only take baths. It. Is. So. Triggering. She is sweet as can be and very kind, but she is also somehow everything I am afraid of. She makes my food anxiety go insane.

The thing that really drives me up the wall though is seeing how much food she eats and what kind. We share a fridge and I have a small corner of it for my eggs, lettuce, soymilk, and yogurt, the rest of the fridge is over flowing with her food. And she some how manages to put my utmost fear foods next to my foods. I will go to have a meal and there is a jar of mayo I cant even bring myself to touch blocking my food. I sat in front of the fridge and cried one night because she had my food completely blocked in. My food fear can be a little extreme, if it's a fear food for me I can't touch it or often stand to look at it even.

She also will go on these MASSIVE binges like you only see on tv. When I see the aftermath in the kitchen I am just too grossed out to eat. For example this morning it was a whole can of jumbo cinnamon rolls, several fully dressed hotdogs, cake, cereal, sandwichs, half a container of Oreos, and a whole bag of chips. Typeing that put was hard for me. As im trying to leave for work there she is in her food covered pajamas on the couch. It's horrifying.

Now she has taken to asking me for health advice and I just really can't provide that! I'm trying right now to get better by doctors orders (aka eating 3 meals a day and taking my iron.) I can't just move out, but I also cant quit eating. But I will lose my mind if I see her eat a whole nother cake by herself on our couch.

[Help] Really confused
Created: Thu May 31 14:12:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nlnx4/really_confused/
So, I’ve recently gained weight because I tried to recover (not going well) and I’m at a healthy weight now, actually a little more than when I started going down the path of my ed. But I’m very confused as I am generally a lot skinnier now than what I was at my lowest weight, yet I can’t fit into any of my old jeans? But literally when I look at myself, I look the same as what I was at my lowest/smaller even. It’s really frustrating and I’d like insight as to why this is haha. My family even say that I look just as small as before.

Created: Thu May 31 13:50:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nlhi0/hmmm/
Yeah went shopping the other day and made an effort to buy healthier food and snacks instead of junk so I wouldn’t be tempted with it. But now I’m high and as soon as my boyfriend leaves for work I’m gonna go buy a bunch of shit for a sugary binge.


[Rant/Rave] Why do I do this to myself
Created: Thu May 31 13:40:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nleea/why_do_i_do_this_to_myself/
I binged on instant noodles and chocolate spread and crackers and now I only have 916cals allocated left to eat for the next 4 days

Kill me

[Rant/Rave] I get so much comfort feeling my bones
Created: Thu May 31 13:31:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nlbmr/i_get_so_much_comfort_feeling_my_bones/
I’m not even underweight, like 13 lbs from it and I’m pretty much skinny fat buuuuuut I’m pretty bony in some parts

You can’t see the bones on my chest but I can feel them when I’m not bloated and I am constantly rubbing my chest or my collar bones, esp if I’m stressed. Or constantly feeling my hip bones to make sure they’re still there and to affirm I’m not fat. My spine is another one, I don’t know if it’s visible but I’m always feeling it but idk maybe everyone can feel their spine?
The other day I was laying in bed and it felt like I was legit laying on something hard and nope it was just my tail bone and wow it made me so happy.
On and my shoulder bones and elbows too.

I wish I could stop fucking eating now

Anyone else never was overwheight?
Created: Thu May 31 13:23:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nl9i3/anyone_else_never_was_overwheight/
In fact, the highest weight I've ever been was a BMI of 20.83 when I officially relapsed 7 months ago.

Growing up, I felt SO insecure about my skinniness to the point I would avoid mirrors for days on out of disgust. I started working out at 15 weighting 55 kg for a height of 178 cm. That was BMI of 17.4 y'all, I felt true shame back then but would DIE to go back to that weight now! Ugh. The true irony.

I honestly blame my surroundings growing up. People were ALWAYS commenting on my body and mocking it and saying things like "do you even eat", "you eat like a bird", "look at your waist, are you trying to look like a girl?" etc. I was known as the "really skinny kid". In hindsight, there was A LOT of projection going on and I wish they had just stfu. I was fine and it would've saved me years of useless self-hate. I've always been a perfectionist/people-pleaser and didn't really have a thick skin back then so I took those comments pretty hard.

My disordered eating started as a copping mechanism. My anxiety got so bad I just stopped eating. Literally, just like that. One day I realised it'd been 24 hours since I had my last meal and decided to just keep going. That's when I discovered the hunger euphoria that would numb all my stress and feelings and opened the box of pandora. Soon after that, I started obsessing about body fat %, calories and everything. :/

Workout challenge
Created: Thu May 31 13:11:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nl5wm/workout_challenge/
Blogilates just posted a new beginners workout calendar. 28 days and the 7th day of each week is a rest day. Does anyone want to do it with me? 😊😊

Are you guys vegan or low carb
Created: Thu May 31 12:44:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nkxo0/are_you_guys_vegan_or_low_carb/

Oat bran (x-post r/EDFood)
Created: Thu May 31 12:08:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nkn0y/oat_bran_xpost_redfood/
I really like oatmeal. The way I make it super disordered is by putting two tablespoons of old fashioned oats in a bowl and then filling the bowl the rest of the way with boiled water \(so a ton of water compared to the oats\). I spoon and drink the water until I get down to the small amount of oats, zap them for a few seconds in the microwave, and eat. \(It takes me a while to get through the water and then the oats \- I like to take my time.\)

When I'm eating oatmeal like this, it separates pretty fully from the water. The water rises to the top, the oats at the bottom \(though there's a slight oaty flavor to the water\). Would oat bran act the same way, mostly sinking to the bottom? I'm not sure if its texture would react the same way, which is what I like. Anyone have any experience with this? Based on calorie count and fiber content, oat bran looks like a winner \- I just hope I could still add as much water as I like.

An anorexic nudist artist empowers women to love their bodies (VIDEO)
Created: Thu May 31 11:44:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nkfup/an_anorexic_nudist_artist_empowers_women_to_love/

I feel inadequate
Created: Thu May 31 11:25:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nka3i/i_feel_inadequate/
I’m overweight. That sentence alone makes me feel like I don’t /really/ have an ED. Like I need to be thin or at least normal weight before I can say I do. And I know that’s not the case but I can’t help but feel fake while posting here. DAE ever feel that way?

[Discussion] DAE keep changing their UGW?
Created: Thu May 31 11:13:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nk6kz/dae_keep_changing_their_ugw/
When I started restricting again my ugw was 130. Then it was 120. Then it was 110-115. Now its 97. It sort of scares me because I'm worried about what happens if I keep dropping it, but the idea of being that small makes me so euphoric. Can anyone relate?

[Rant/Rave] It’s my birthday and I’m miserable
Created: Thu May 31 11:09:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nk5dg/its_my_birthday_and_im_miserable/
It’s my 16th birthday and I honestly just wish I was dead. My parents are making me go back to treatment and on the 7th my doctor called a family meeting to basically decide where I’m going. All I wanted for today was to get my school shit done, go to the gym, and then eat cake and purge. That’s all I fucking ask for but now I can’t even go to the gym anymore and my meals have to be supervised. I feel hopeless.

[Help] DAE deal with embarrassing stomach growls?
Created: Thu May 31 11:01:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nk2uh/dae_deal_with_embarrassing_stomach_growls/
I recently had my work orientation for a new job in insurance. It was only about 10 of us in the orientation room and there was lots of silent parts where the presenter was flipping through slides or trying to find a video and my stomach would gurgle and growl and it was so so so so so embarrassing. Anyone else deal with this or have any tips for helping stomach growls without too many calories? I know it's because I'm hungry but I don't mind hunger. But my growls are insane.

[Discussion] Which body part do you hate most, no matter how much you weigh?
Created: Thu May 31 10:59:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nk22r/which_body_part_do_you_hate_most_no_matter_how/
For me, it's my ribcage. It's huge. It looks disproportionate when compared to my body. Even if I get down to a tiny weight, I still look fat because I can't get smaller than my bones. And if I get to a higher weight, my top half looks even worse since I look very top\-heavy, even though my weight distributes pretty evenly. I can't wear any loose shirts when I want to feel more covered/hidden otherwise I look even bigger. Are you the same or do you hate a different part of your body?

[Help] I feel like I am losing my ed and it’s terrifying
Created: Thu May 31 10:43:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8njxm4/i_feel_like_i_am_losing_my_ed_and_its_terrifying/
If anyone has been noticing my posts this past week you know I started wellbutrin and not have I had a lot of thoughts about it.
Instead of having constant racing thoughts regarding my ed now all I can think about is killing myself. I am so depressed that I don’t even care about my eating disorder. I’m not focused on food all the time anymore and I’m not as scared to eat and I don’t feel the need to fast bc I just don’t fucking care about anything. But at the same time I am terrified to gain weight and that will fuel my depression more sooooo what the fuck do I do.

I have ate the past four nights! I’m still doing omad but eating whatever I want at night. Yesterday I truly wasn’t hungry but smoking weed actually gave me an appetite and improved my mood a lot which was cool (those are the obvious outcomes of smoking weed but I’m a regular smoker so I usually don’t experience those effects anymore)

But now I’m awake and stuck in my fucking sadness and I don’t want to be alive and my only solace would be starving at the same time, but I’m not. I’m eating like a normal person. And I’ll prob eat tonight bc what’s the point of not.

Miraculously my weight has stayed the same all week but what about when I start gaining or what if my period comes back. Then I’ll feel like a fucking failure. I probably have to delete this app bc it’s just making me feel worse about my lack of caring about not eating.

I’m praying they up my dose or something and it actually helps and kills my appetite for real bc fuck this. If it were not for how much it would hurt everyone around me I wouldn’t be here anymore.

100.4 this morning.
Created: Thu May 31 10:43:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8njxhq/1004_this_morning/
Seems surreal.

I've never been this small.

However i feel like ass this morning...my chest hurts, my abs hurt from purging, my head hurts, my throat hurts, and I have sores in my mouth along with hella chapped lips. I am literally shitting coffee, and im so weak I can hardly stand up without feeling dizzy. Fun times.

I know I should eat something and keep it down but deciding what to eat is killin me. Stressin me out badddd.


[Discussion] DAE Feel Unworthy Of Certain ED Medias?
Created: Thu May 31 10:13:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8njp1o/dae_feel_unworthy_of_certain_ed_medias/
Sorry, title sucks so let me elaborate.

Sometimes, I'm just minding my own business in life, and then I see an ED-related video on YouTube or something, and I force myself to get as far from it as possible because I'm not truly anorexic yet because I am still 35lbs away from my UGW.

DAE relate to this, because I swear even if I had only eaten 3 mints that day I always feel unworthy and fake when I see other people in media struggling with EDs.

''depression'' after binge trumps absolutely everything, irrational
Created: Thu May 31 09:52:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8njiif/depression_after_binge_trumps_absolutely/
I have been either maintaining a weight I'm comfortable with or slowly losing and my mood has been so much better. Yesterday, I had a mini-binge (mini compared to how my binges used to be, had 4 chocolate covered rice cakes, one whole bowl of cereal and a pita bread) and couldn't purge because of parents. Today my weight was only slightly up but I am so miserable. Today I had the last exam of my degree, my logical brain had to literally force me to go and it was ok so I guess I've finished my degree and I feel nothing but depression when I'm sure if I had been fasting or restricting I would feel elated. I am so low, when I do this is like I don't wanna be in this world. I'm gonna fast for four days and then restrict. So not worth it and so irrational!

[Rant/Rave] rant/rave Guess I'm still a pothead... (tangentially ED related)
Created: Thu May 31 08:05:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nio35/rantrave_guess_im_still_a_pothead_tangentially_ed/
I haven't actively restricted in so long... thanks to cannabis. It chills me out in the evening and lets me enjoy food. I still can't ever allow myself to weigh more than 121 - that's my absolute cutoff - but I don't worry about trying to weigh as little as possible.

I stopped smoking 15 days ago so I can apply for new jobs. Since then I've lost 9lbs and am currently weighing in around 110. I took an at-home test this morning and I STILL TESTED FUCKING POSITIVE! I should know better than to rely on non-scientific anecdotes, but I read one about a girl who weighed 117 and was clean in 12 days after heavy smoking. Like, I only weighed 2lbs more than that, LOST WEIGHT, have been exercising and drinking tons of water. Ughh. I'm really unhappy in my current job and I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels instead of doing some to actively change my situation. It'll be fine... I just needed to rant about it. Fuck the USA - I'm in a state where it's legal recreationally and medically, and yet I'm still a worthless unemployable loser if I take advantage of a substance that makes my life a little better.

The cycle of Alcohol and lack of self esteem
Created: Thu May 31 08:00:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nimv2/the_cycle_of_alcohol_and_lack_of_self_esteem/
I am dying on the inside and on the outside. My body feels like a sausage that is about to bust out of its thin casing.

I have gained 60 pounds....yes you read that correctly, 60 pounds in the past year. I have no self esteem so I drink to feel better. I see I’m gaining weight so I drink to forget about it and the cycle just keeps going. I am at a loss. I need to get back on track. I’m at my highest weight ever and I’m miserable every damn day. I refuse to go buy bigger clothes because I feel like it’s accepting the fact that I’m a bucket of lard.

I need help. I need motivation. I need to get back on track. Help me. Please.

[Rant/Rave] I can't handle that I have gained weight.
Created: Thu May 31 07:49:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nijvj/i_cant_handle_that_i_have_gained_weight/
After a bad breakup and over rough beginning to the year, I gained twenty pounds. It took me years to lose the weight, and I just gained it all back without even a thought due to bingeing. I hate myself so much. I look like a doughy snowman.

Food diary day 5
Created: Thu May 31 07:21:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nicxo/food_diary_day_5/
Good morning everyone! What’s this?? A breakfast not at lunch time. Lol I have a little downtime this morning at work so let’s dive in. Today I had a glass of chocolate almond milk and the rest of my bagel from yesterday (I can’t stand food waste!) which came out to 265. I’m going to keep this short so I’ll see you lovelies at lunch time! 💜

Weekly Emotional Support May 31, 2018
Created: Thu May 31 06:11:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nhwmx/weekly_emotional_support_may_31_2018/
We're almost all dealing with quite stressful things outside of our eating disorders. Whether it be complicated relationships, friends, university, work or other mental illnesses like depression, anxiety or OCD, we all seem to be having a rougher time emotionally and mentally than the general population.

Use this thread to post about your problems or ask for advice concerning things other than EDs/ED behaviors.

**As always, follow the sub rules when reading or posting.**


Weekly emotional well-being and support threads are posted every Thursday.

Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 31, 2018
Created: Thu May 31 06:10:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nhwas/daily_food_diary_may_31_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 31, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

Update to disappointing morning
Created: Thu May 31 06:05:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nhv8m/update_to_disappointing_morning/
Well I finally snuck my scale into the house and hid it safely away in my room. I weighed myself but I couldn’t go to the bathroom beforehand but oh well. I don’t think that would really make much of a difference and I’m also on a schedule for that sort of. Anyways y’all we So right about the clothes! They added a pound and half. Not that that’s too much better but still! So I’m now at 158.5. I’m going for a run this afternoon if the weather clears up so that’ll be lol.

Sex drive is killing me
Created: Thu May 31 04:59:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nhh8t/sex_drive_is_killing_me/
Im 3 days into a literal nothing but water and monster zero fast and i was propositioned by a very freak friend for a night of weird fun.

Im game, if only because im so fucking wired.

We did do the deed and both got ours, but i know we could have gotten so much weird stuff in if i didnt literally die after my grande finale.

They wanted more, i wanted more. We settled for cuddles. Heck this crap. I know if i had eaten if have been fine but i didnt want to break my fast ;-;

[Goal] New LW!
Created: Thu May 31 04:00:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nh6q6/new_lw/
Woke up this morning feeling dizzy and stomach cramps - I was so tempted to binge! But I did the whole morning routine of get out of bed - pee - weigh myself, and I’m in the low 100’s for the first time! 109lbs. I feel euphoric and I just can’t wait to lose more. Buuuut it’s a family birthday and I’m pretty sure my family want to get takeaway 🙃 rip

[Rant/Rave] It finally happened
Created: Thu May 31 02:52:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ngv9w/it_finally_happened/
Someone FINALLY asked if I lost weight. I've lost just about twenty pounds, and I didn't think anyone was ever going to notice. I thought I was going to be stuck this size forever, even at 97. But today my boyfriend and I's coworker asked "Did you lose weight?" and I said "I don't know. Why?" and he said "because it definitely looks like you did." I just said "oh" because I didn't want him to realize how fucking ECSTATIC I AM!!!!!! SOMEONE IS FINALLY NOTICING MY PROGRESS I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY

[Discussion] Follow up, DAE have s/os that are supportive of your disorder?
Created: Thu May 31 02:50:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nguyv/follow_up_dae_have_sos_that_are_supportive_of/
Im actually kind of happy. It's probably really damaging but i love him to death and im alright with it. Like does anyone else's s/o know you have a disorder and supports you further into it in not necessarily a mean way? Yikes. Kinda hope i die tmr but i want to see how far this'll go.

Just some appreciation for you lovely people :3
Created: Thu May 31 02:47:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ngueg/just_some_appreciation_for_you_lovely_people_3/
I feel like while I still have highly disordered eating and am a complete dumpster fire, I've reduced the amount of harm I've done to my body thanks to you lovely people. :3 Since lurking I definitely have more energy and have noticed that my body feels more taken care of without too much of a sacrifice weight loss wise. It's also just super nice to know there are other people out there who get it. This is one of the nicest corners of the internet.

Finally a good excuse for bingeing
Created: Thu May 31 02:27:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ngr9n/finally_a_good_excuse_for_bingeing/

[Discussion] Just found out I’m not the only one at work.
Created: Thu May 31 02:18:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ngpwv/just_found_out_im_not_the_only_one_at_work/
So I accidentally walked in on one of my coworkers purging. I work with him almost every night, and now I don’t really know what to say to him now. Do I talk to him about it? I don’t really know if I’ll come off as an asshole/hypocrite. I’m just far too awkward to deal with this situation, and technically as his manager I’m supposed to report this to my manager. I’m not gonna do that, but I don’t really know what to do.

He told me he knows about my Ed. According to him it’s pretty obvious? So I’m kind of panicking about that, because I thought I hid it pretty well.

Its been a while. I guess i am back
Created: Thu May 31 01:57:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ngmdy/its_been_a_while_i_guess_i_am_back/
On mobile please flair as rant or rave.

I used to post more regularly here but stopped because i didnt feel welcome. I have tried to recover but it is hard. I am binging and drinking more. I lost some weight but i still feel alone and dead inside. My parents are on a fitness kick and its triggering. I might be anemic again. I work long hours and graze all day and feel like i dont know how to eat like normal people and never will. I feel so alone.

I am here though and dont know what that means.

💜 Willow.

Could use some success stories right now
Created: Thu May 31 00:11:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ng3s7/could_use_some_success_stories_right_now/
Any kind of successes, not just weight loss (but yes I'd like to hear those too), whether it's turning your shitty grades back around, breaking out of a B/P cycle, making new friends, whatever. I'm kind of in a rut right now, and I'd really use some inspiration.

I gained back most of the weight I lost last semester, so I'm kind of just I spent more time purging than I did studying and it was all for nothing if I can't get my life back on track.

[Help] Does anyone know where to get ipecac syrup?
Created: Wed May 30 23:41:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nfwna/does_anyone_know_where_to_get_ipecac_syrup/
I used to buy it at Walgreens, but the pharmacist says they’re not selling it anymore.

[Other] it’s meeeeee
Created: Wed May 30 23:21:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nfqlv/its_meeeeee/

[Rant/Rave] 1200isplenty at it again
Created: Wed May 30 23:21:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nfqgd/1200isplenty_at_it_again/

i hate this...
Created: Wed May 30 23:07:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nfmik/i_hate_this/
How to deal with people constantly offering you food. Like I'm trying so hard to control myself, and with people rubbing junk all over my face and tempting me, it's just impossible! Like one time, I just stated point blank that I'm trying to diet and the next thing you know, they offer me a burger and pizza. I'm the type of person who can control herself, but if there's food right in front of me, and people force feeding it to you (no joke, they hovered the food over my mouth) its just too difficult!

Please send tips in the comments about how to stay on a diet when people around you, even your family members love junk food.

P.S. my stomach is way too full rn.

Weight increase
Created: Wed May 30 23:02:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nfl4j/weight_increase/
I was just weighed at the doctor and I’m 5kg heavier than my scales at home. The doctor also told me what my weight was when I didn’t want to know. This just makes me want to restrict and exercise even more. Wtf. Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do? I’m freaking out

[Other] its meeeeee
Created: Wed May 30 22:54:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nfivc/its_meeeeee/

I want to quit therapy
Created: Wed May 30 22:25:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nfbp7/i_want_to_quit_therapy/
I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve completed one year of therapy. I started meds. I’ve tried to stop using behaviors. But I honestly can’t do it anymore. I feel so fat and disgusting. I can’t take it. I look like a whale and am told that I look normal for my body type. But I am fat. Even by medical standards I’m overweight. And knowing that I’m overweight and being told that losing more weight would not look right on me is so horribly triggering. I feel so pressured to try to recover because I’m in therapy. But I don’t want this anymore- and so what’s the point in going.

why’s my girlfriends weight bother me??
Created: Wed May 30 22:13:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nf8il/whys_my_girlfriends_weight_bother_me/
okay i don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me and i’m too ashamed to talk about it with anyone. soo here i am. help me out.

so i’m in recovery for my ED and PTSD and anxiety and depression and i’ve been going to therapy and finally focusing on myself. along with that i came to realize i’m a lesbian. i come from a super religious conservative tiny town and shitty family so i’ve done a loooot of work to even get where i am now.

i’m not out but i am to my closest friends. and i’ve started seeing someone. we clicked instantly and we’ve been on 3-4 dates now. and i really fuckin like her. i have so much anxiety around it but when i’m with her it’s all okay. and when she puts her hand on my leg i like want to explode it’s so amazing. and kissing her sends me to another fuckin planet. and i’ve never felt that before.

i could go on and on.. but here’s my damn problem.
she’s overweight.
i feel SO shitty for being bothered by it. i mean i think it’s my anorexic voice just being ruthless.
and like i don’t think she’s like the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen ya know. and shouldn’t i feel like that??? well if you read this far... idk i’m fuckin stupid i’m out.

[Rant/Rave] My dad who’s partly responsible for my ed won’t telling me to stop being builimic
Created: Wed May 30 21:40:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nez9h/my_dad_whos_partly_responsible_for_my_ed_wont/
The past few days he’s sent me messages that says things like how unhealthy and disgusting I am and I’ve already told him how I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it and today he asked me “Do you want to live a normal life? What guy wants a girlfriend who throws up after every meal?” How do I make him stop I’m only a teen girl what does he want from me?

Am I a failure?
Created: Wed May 30 21:32:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nex59/am_i_a_failure/
I was almost to 96 hours of a water fast when I realized I could not function anymore. I was nauseous, weak, and felt completely awful. It was either lay in bed until my gw and water fast or be semi\-productive and do something less "extreme" so I could semi\-function

I stopped the water fast and started \<20 carbs a day today. The thing is, I feel so guilty. I felt hungry on the water fast and I felt like it was working. I ate 500cals and 10 carbs today and I feel like a failure. Because I'm not hungry. I feel like I screwed everything up and that I'm disgusting and weak. I should be hungry..I am so desperate to get out of this sick cycle I just want something to go right.

I'm having a rough day in general and I don't have anybody in my life that listens to or understands me. I just would like some input and feedback if anyone has time:\( Thanks

[Other] me; an absolute health goddess
Created: Wed May 30 21:16:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8neslc/me_an_absolute_health_goddess/
me: RAVES about juicing vegetables, praises VEGANISM around my friends, wears suncreen DAILY, partakes in a 10-step skin regime, brags about being the absolute EPITOME of health and wellness

also me: takes an EC stack at noon after vaping for breakfast and sneaks into the kitchen when no ones around to nibble at some leftover chicken

I love being a hypocrite lmao (not)

Do you count sleeping hours as fasting hours?
Created: Wed May 30 21:15:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nesc2/do_you_count_sleeping_hours_as_fasting_hours/
I normally don't but i've seen some posts saying16/18 hour fasting and i wonder if they are counting sleeping hours too (8 asleep and 10awake)

What do you do with all of your clothes once they get too big?
Created: Wed May 30 21:05:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nepi3/what_do_you_do_with_all_of_your_clothes_once_they/
So now that I'm down 3 pants sizes (!!!) a lot of my clothes are too big to wear anymore and I need to buy new clothes. I want to sell them so I can get money to buy new stuff, but Plato's Closet doesn't actually buy much and I can't find any other consignment shops that will buy non-designer clothing near me. I also have A LOT and I'm moving in two weeks so apps like depop and letgo aren't the best option for me right now. I'd just like to see what other people do when they've reached this point! I feel like getting rid of these clothes is a commitment I'm making to never ever get to that size again.

[Other] I bought a Reeses and it's frowning at me.
Created: Wed May 30 20:43:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nejgk/i_bought_a_reeses_and_its_frowning_at_me/

[Discussion] What are your favorite ED movies?
Created: Wed May 30 19:44:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ne4i3/what_are_your_favorite_ed_movies/
For some reason, Lifetime actually makes really good movies involving eating disorders.

My favorite ED movie was A Secret Between Friends (1996). I thought Linda Carter, who acted as the protagonist’s mother, did a really good job.

[Rant/Rave] Why do I eat so goddamn much
Created: Wed May 30 19:43:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ne48x/why_do_i_eat_so_goddamn_much/
I told myself I was gonna fast today. Get home, Dad went grocery shopping and got apple pie and bagels.

I purged it less than ten minutes after, but I literally started hacking and my mucus was making bubbles. Not all of it came up, which has been happening a lot more often lately. I can’t get it all up after I eat it. But I don’t want to just leave it there.

And the water weight isn’t gone from eating yesterday(105.2 on tuesday, 109.6 this morning) which means I have to fast through Thursday. I’m going to gain all that weight back if i don’t get my act together. I’m going to a graduation anyway; I have to look skinny for pictures.

[Help] i fucked up
Created: Wed May 30 19:42:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ne3yu/i_fucked_up/
i haven’t made a post here in a while, most of them have been in the daily log, but anyway, i’ve usually been sticking to 1000 calories and under, but, yesterday and today i ate probably 100-250 over that? i didn’t even log of because of how guilty i felt. i had eaten two small chocolate chip cookies yesterday, plus my 1000 cals and didn’t log because i hate logging over my limit, and then today did the same except i ate a cookie and some chips. will this hinder my progress? will i still lose my 2lbs this week, or have i just fucked up this whole week?

ED struggles
Created: Wed May 30 19:16:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndytj/ed_struggles/
(I just made a new account specifically for this sub because my bf follows me on my personal now.)

Long story ahead, sorry.

So a little background, from 14-19 I battled with Ana/mia and totally hated myself, I was always the clown out of my friends to cover this and sometimes even took pictures with my friends and stuff even though I hated the way I looked in them, my ed was mostly a secret and I liked it that way.
Fast forward to age 23, I had been in a really toxic relationship with a guy that slowly stopped caring about me, at the beginning things were so good and I was open with him and started recovering, that was the best time. Unfortunately I developed BED and over the course of 2.5 years I gained around 55lbs, I feel sick just typing that, WTF! My ex ended up breaking up with me because he didn’t like the way I looked anymore. (he was an asshole and I’m so glad it ended, but I totally get that)

Anyway, fast forward to now, I’m 26 and for the past couple of years slowly Ana/Mia came back.
First it was restricting and exercising a lot but around 6 months ago I started purging again.
Luckily I had some dental surgery and the dentist made a comment that made me shut that shit down (for the most part) and I’ve been successfully fasting/restricting for a while now and I’m getting closer to my GW.

The problem, I still really struggle with binging sometimes, it had been about 2 months since I binged and was feeling almost good about myself, this past week I spent in the city at my now -boyfriend’s place, he’s amazing and has a super good body and everyday we worked out together and I fasted during the day when he was at work and just had a little salad for dinner which he was totally ok with because he gets that I want to “eat healthily”.
But I got the train home yesterday and it’s like all the horrible secretive feelings of BED came back, as soon as I left his apartment I was thinking about food non stop, even though I hardly had during the week, then I bought a bagel for the train, ate a bag of nuts that my boyfriend packed for me, got home and ate a bowl of pasta and some cookies that I’d bought on the way home. I feel so mad DISGUSTED with myself, I’m getting ready for work right now and trying not to cry. Also, my bf doesn’t have scales at his house so I was excited to come home and check my progress but now I’m too scared to even look.

I’m going to fast for the whole week now, I’m a pig.
Does anyone have any tips for not bingeing that work for them most of the time? Or even just some support, I feel so alone right now.

Anyway sorry for the long post, I’ve been a member of this sub on my other account for a while and it really helps to known other people have similar struggles.

TL:DR I binged after having the best week and feel worthless.

Photos Triggering a Relapse
Created: Wed May 30 19:10:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndxf1/photos_triggering_a_relapse/
My friends keep sending this god-awful photo to our group chat. It's set a photo of me at my highest weight, and they set it as the thumbnail image for our group chat a few weeks ago because they all think I look hilarious- I have like twelve chins and my stomach's sticking out and my eyes are almost disappearing in my doughy face. I can't look at the picture because it makes me feel sick. I know they were just joking around but oooffffff it hurt and I feel so grossed out by myself. There's very little difference between me then and me now, and it makes me so paranoid that they're just laughing at me all the time.

I was at my worst eating-wise about three/four years ago, overexercising and restricting, until I came home from a run one day and blacked out at home. I'd had dizziness and almost fainted before, but it was always at school and I'd never blacked out at home before, and I got scared that my parents might catch me so I started trying to eat better again. I don't want to say I tried recovery because honestly I feel like such a fake- I don't know that my problems were bad enough that I needed to recover. But whatever, I tried to eat like a normal person for like three years and inflated like a blow-up doll. I got huge. And then that photo got taken.

Since then I've been restricting like mad when I'm on my own. At home I'm trying to restrict as much as I can, eat salads and exercise it all off. I hate that I've been so weak and let myself get to this point. I can't stand myself. I think about that photo and I think about my friends laughing at it and I want to die. I've lost 5 inches of fat off my tummy and my jeans don't fit me any more but I don't see any difference. Whenever I see my reflection, all I see is that photo.

My throat hurts so bad
Created: Wed May 30 19:02:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndvnk/my_throat_hurts_so_bad/
Nothing to worry about..........Probably just nasal drip from all the cocaine, singed by the endless dirty bowls of weed I smoke in conjunction with hot coffee and an extremely limited pallet :'D

But at least I'm almost weened off xanax! Previously using 7 days a week and now I'm down to 1 day a week, .25mg! So happy that withdraw process is almost over, took months and months.

Anyone else use a cocktail of substances for ED reasons?? Weed to forget/drink a ton of water, cocaine to suppress appetite, coffee to suppress appetite, NEVER alcohol bcus calories + hangover, xanax was to fall asleep at night before eating. Constantly chasing equilibrium/an excuse to not eat by using drugs.

So paranoid of sagging skin
Created: Wed May 30 19:00:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndv7x/so_paranoid_of_sagging_skin/
I'm hoping to lose ~70 by fall (I'm 206, going for 130~) and am so terrified that my skin will get lose and saggy. I don't even care about stretch marks, those will fade more or less. I just want tone.

I don't think my belly, arms, face, back will sag, but most of my fat is in boobs and thighs, a significant amount (size 16 pants, 36I bra) and I want to tone and tighten but I don't know if I'm consuming enough calories to build/maintain enough muscle for my skin to keep a hold of.

I'm more afraid of my breasts sagging than my thighs, because I have next to no pecs/chest muscle but have very muscular legs.

Was anyone else my weight and ended up losing quickly and becoming fairly skinny? Did your skin sag? What did you wish you knew before you started?

Thanks xoxo

It's sooooo nice when you weigh less at night than you did in the morning
Created: Wed May 30 18:47:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndshs/its_sooooo_nice_when_you_weigh_less_at_night_than/
Tomorrow is going to be good :)

Fat guy, noo!
Created: Wed May 30 18:41:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndr3t/fat_guy_noo/
I work in a restaurant. Table of seven walks in. Six completely average guys and girls, and one big ol jabba. (I used to be one I can say it!)

They all order the dory fish which comes with chips and salad. And guess who raises their hands at this part? McMan! (My nickname at one point, it's okay.)

He asks. For the salad. To be removed.

That's it end of story. I think I dry heaved while keying in the order with "NO SALAD".

Have nice day.

My eating disorder is literally killing me. My overall health is getting worse and worse by the day...
Created: Wed May 30 18:31:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndp4d/my_eating_disorder_is_literally_killing_me_my/
But that doesn’t make it any easier to stop...

I have an odd request
Created: Wed May 30 18:29:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndoli/i_have_an_odd_request/
There is NO thinspo for black men. Aside from Dave Chappelle from 15 years ago. He ripped now.

Anyone know if there's more out there?

Introduction + Peach (Let's be friends)
Created: Wed May 30 18:24:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndni0/introduction_peach_lets_be_friends/
New here, but have lurked for quite some time. Also on peach as A\_Little\_Princess

From one ED to another...
Created: Wed May 30 18:23:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndn3r/from_one_ed_to_another/
For some background...I am a 26y.o male and developed anorexia over two years after a bad breakup. I dropped from 115kg to 65kg and was confident and handsome. Recently, I've gone through a horrible rough patch with my gf and I'm in a foreign country (moved for our relationship) and my depression has fuelled binge eating. I was using appetite supressants and legal perscription amps to help lose and my doctor in this country moved in April...
I am now 83kg and freaking out because my clothes dont fit. It's adding to my despression and I'm miserable. I dont know what to do or who to turn to because my girlfriend always said stuff like 'I dont like fat boyfriends' so on top of the rocky relationship...Im gaining weight and becoming less desirable. Any advice?

[Help] Help! I've become a shell of a boring person with nothing to show. Hobbies?
Created: Wed May 30 18:19:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndm7b/help_ive_become_a_shell_of_a_boring_person_with/
I've realized that since about age 15, my interests began to become so... boring and blah. I'm interesting in ED\-related things, and whenever someone asks me what I like to do for fun or what my hobbies are? Oh god.

I scramble to think of something, usually ending it "it depends." Yeah I like to go out and see people, see new things, and there are things I WANT to do \(fitness, art\) but I haven't really gotten into it yet.

I want to be that interesting, fun adult or at the least the girl that at least DOES something. Fun group activities, actually painting or drawing, running a real business, doing cool fitness related shit like kayaking or surfing or camping or fucking anything. I don't even like movies or video games or anything that much anymore.

What the fuck do yall do? lol

What are your thoughts on actors and actresses getting skinny for films?
Created: Wed May 30 18:15:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndlap/what_are_your_thoughts_on_actors_and_actresses/

Othorexia update 5/30/18
Created: Wed May 30 18:12:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndkmd/othorexia_update_53018/
Possible TW

So in attempts of recovery, two weeks ago I asked my bff to make sure I eat lunch at school everyday.

Big mistake.

It makes me punish myself for eating unhealthy overall and makes me.. almost anxious. But I'm not gonna eat lunch anymore. I'm gonna skip lunch and sit st a different table so he won't know. And if he sees me and asks me to get lunch I'll get it but then give it to someone else who will eat (since i try to waste food as less as possible). And if anyone tries to make me eat i'll just say "no" and go to the library or the bathroom or guidance the rest of the period if i have to.

Speaking of guidance I have to go tomorrow since I go every Thursday (that was also a mistake of mine). They make me eat but i really don't wanna get lunch. I don't know what to do but I'll think of something.

[Other] Also made a peach!
Created: Wed May 30 18:11:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndkg2/also_made_a_peach/
it's @dreezys :) whats yours?

[Help] I can't get back on track
Created: Wed May 30 18:09:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndjuu/i_cant_get_back_on_track/
My goal date came and went last week and ever since I've been binging like crazy and no matter what I do I can't get myself back under control. I absolutely refuse to weigh myself but I've probably gained about 5 lbs from eating appx 1500 calories a day which is like 300 cals over maintenance. I won't eat until dinner as usual but then I'll go overboard and eat everything until I feel sick.

I'm losing my mind. I don't know how to stop this fucking binging I've never been this bad before and I've never had a binge cycle for this long. How do I stop it I'm so uncomfortable with this

Created: Wed May 30 18:08:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndjnu/family/
I’m currently at a funeral reception with my SO’s family and there’s tons of food. Of course everyone is asking me why I’m not eating and I’m dying :(

[Rant/Rave] I lasted a whopping 2 days in recovery.
Created: Wed May 30 18:06:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndj7t/i_lasted_a_whopping_2_days_in_recovery/
Ate a grilled cheese, ran for 2km after and still felt like a fatass. It's not fucking worth it. The only time I was happy with my body was when I was 105lbs and under. I'm fucking done eating.

So I made a Peach as well *shrug emoji*
Created: Wed May 30 18:04:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndimq/so_i_made_a_peach_as_well_shrug_emoji/
Am pretty new here but you guys can add me there Mercy Rose

[Discussion] EC stacking and food question
Created: Wed May 30 17:58:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndhg6/ec_stacking_and_food_question/
For those who EC stack, how often do you eat?

I generally fast all day at work and take a dose at 6:30am when I get there, then another dose four hours later, and sometimes a third four hours later. I'll typically come home and eat one meal so the girlfriend doesn't worry. Rinse and repeat Monday through Friday.

I've had three stacks and no food today, and I'm coming up on the potential for a fourth dose. She's at an appointment, so I could definitely go without eating today. Is this harmful in a way I'm not aware of with the EC stacking? I know we're not doctors, but if you know it's safe/risky I wouldn't mind the discussion.

For what it's worth, I've had more than enough water for the day and it's only 5pm, had a multivitamin and Mio vitamins/electrolytes earlier, exercised for a quick twenty minutes, and I'm currently drinking more electrolytes. Shrug.

[Tip] Grocery Delivery (Instacart)
Created: Wed May 30 17:31:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndb5q/grocery_delivery_instacart/
I just started doing this a couple of months ago and it's been REALLY helpful because I never have to physically go to a store so I don't buy my binge foods. It also helps me not impulse buy or spend above my budget so I'm doing better with my spending budget and calorie budget. You do typically need to tip the driver who delivers, but one impulse purchase usually covers that added cost for me.

I use Instacart to shop at Whole Foods for all my items, plan my calories and meals out for the week and then only buy the exact amount of everything I will eat. Instacart has a premium subscription option that's $15 per month for free delivery over $30 and it's paid for itself for me in impulse and binge purchases.

~Unpopular opinions: ED edition~
Created: Wed May 30 17:30:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ndaxp/unpopular_opinions_ed_edition/
What are y'alls unpopular ED opinions? My biggest one is kinda gross but anyway: I think purging is better the less liquid is involved. The only time I'll purposefully involve liquid in a B/P is if I'm eating something superrr thick like peanut butter. I don't purge every day but when I do I'd rather it come out all together like a fat snake than spew and splash everywhere violently. I also feel like it's less painful and a lot easier this way, but I know that taking a sip of water between each swallow is extremely common B/P advice.

[Other] Predatory Messages from u/mbsqufs
Created: Wed May 30 16:54:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nd252/predatory_messages_from_umbsqufs/
Hi, everyone! If you didn't see my last post, some rando messaged me after seeing my flair on here (I assume) asking if I'd be thin sugar baby.

I got in touch with the mod team and they gave me their blessing to tell you all to block u/mbsqufs if you don't want him contacting you. Turns out he can still read/message people on here even if he is blocked.

Ugh, scum like that should be more self aware. Once again, stay safe my beautiful and worthy lovelies. <3 (totally not in a creepy way lol)

new to peach as well
Created: Wed May 30 16:18:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nct02/new_to_peach_as_well/
so add me, guys? 😙
im not sure how to use it but ill figure it out along the way!

fictional characters as thinspo?
Created: Wed May 30 16:03:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ncp2n/fictional_characters_as_thinspo/
does anyone else use fictional characters as thinspo? and not just actors that play fictional characters, but comic book and video game characters, too. mine are the seance from umbrella academy, nightcrawler from the xmen, taako from the adventure zone and liz and abe from hellboy.

[Rant/Rave] this reddit ad PISSES ME OFF it's just . . . idk . . so RUDE/INSENSITIVE/IDK HOW TO SAY IT
Created: Wed May 30 15:55:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ncmmk/this_reddit_ad_pisses_me_off_its_just_idk_so/

Struggling between alcoholism and my ED.
Created: Wed May 30 15:39:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nci9m/struggling_between_alcoholism_and_my_ed/
I used to be tiny for my height and I loved It I’ve never felt happier, even though I wasn’t even at my GW. But since alcohol was introduced into my life (3yrs ago) i have gained weight steadily. I hate looking at myself it just makes me want to drink more and that makes me gain more. It’s a terrible cycle. I just want to be at my GW and to be happy.

What is the normal amount to talk about food?
Created: Wed May 30 15:23:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nce1a/what_is_the_normal_amount_to_talk_about_food/
I feel like every time I talk to a friend at least a portion of the conversation will end up being about food. Sometimes I think it feels one sided on my part but I very rarely mention diet or anything that might seem like I have a fixation. Im mostly just concerned that I talk about food too frequently. Is this pretty average? Like am I just that girl who has to always bring up food or is everyone else doing the same

I got hit with a door today
Created: Wed May 30 15:06:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nc97g/i_got_hit_with_a_door_today/
I was at work, and I was crushing up some pills on the counter. I was behind the door, which has a small window. Someone opened the door on me hard because they didn't see me!

They did apologize profusely, and I was small enough that my body was perfectly hidden between the gap of the door and the window. She said "I'm so sorry! You're so skinny that you dissapeared behind the door!"

I'm on cloud 9, it's so messed up

It's so hard to stop purging all the time when it actually helps you lose weight.
Created: Wed May 30 14:43:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nc2d8/its_so_hard_to_stop_purging_all_the_time_when_it/
I purge probably 95% of what I eat. usually purge maybe 3-5 times a day, upwards of 8 on a bad day. of course I'm a lazy purger so I know I don't get it all out or anything, but it's enough that I still lose a pound or two a week, enough that I'm finally not disgusted with myself all the time.

and it's so hard to stop this, to stop bingeing when I know I can still lose weight doing it. I know my teeth will get a lot better if I stop puking all the time, I know I'll be happier with myself if I don't waste an hour+ every day b/p'ing. I know I'll just be so much better off - even lose weight faster... but I'm still going down, and that's all that matters in my mind.

Exercise Calories
Created: Wed May 30 14:38:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nc0sx/exercise_calories/
So I am probably not alone in not wanting to eat back exercise calories, not least because I don't trust any of my counting devices...

Looking over logs from the past couple of weeks though, I've been eating back almost exactly my exercise calories every day. I'm just not eating my sedentary TDEE's worth on top.


I have a huge crush (not quite ed related)
Created: Wed May 30 14:34:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nbzqi/i_have_a_huge_crush_not_quite_ed_related/
this guy is quite loud and annoying in the sense that he always has to joke around in class and make people laugh so I've never really liked him before. Also not that it matters but he isn't that good looking so he never caught my attention before. I'm really shy so I don't really get crushes on people based on how they act because I don't talk to anyone. Last school year I threw a pen at his head because him and his friend kept flapping the whiteboards at the back of me and my friends head. Anyways this year he got called out of class for a few minutes by this teacher who you talk to if you're upset or if something is going on. we don't really have councillors in our school. but when he came back in it was like he did'nt have that face on anymore and I wouldn't say he was vulnerable at all but rather just not fake if that makes sense. Then this girl went to hug him and he just looked so sweet in that moment and not like a complete dickhead. I'm on study leave so I'll probably not see him again if I don't go back to my sixth form. Even if I do I don't think i'll have any classes with him. I sat next to him briefly this year but we'd just ask each other if we got a question right or something so I don't think he would be interested like that. although everyone he does sit next to he is bubbly with so maybe because I don't talk a lot he thought I wouldn't be comfortable with it. he is close with this other girl in our class I don't think they're going out but they are very open with each other, I don't know if thats because they're really good friends. she is super short and petite though and she has a small body frame so that makes me self conscious if she's his type. but good motivation I guess. I hope I have a class with him next year so I can get to know him better even though I know I probably won't approach him.
I wanted to post this here because everyone is so sweet and has good intentions

[Discussion] Anyone else never had a SO?
Created: Wed May 30 14:26:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nbxf7/anyone_else_never_had_a_so/
I'm 19 and although I date and I'm still open to that and I've had like, one, two semi serious brief things, I've never actually been someone's girlfriend. It feels pretty weird. Like, it's embarrassing actually, to hear my friends talk about their boyfriends and just, I can't relate. At all.

Not to sound narcissistic \(or maybe it is to say this oh goddd\), but like, I do get male attention now \- and this baffles me. It took me so long to believe that okay, maybe I'm not hideous and I actually still feel weird when I guy who's very attractive pursues me. Guilty. I was shy in high school for a while and certain boys used to tease me in a mean way because it was funny to see me react or whatever. I wasn't cute either and I still cringe at being the punchline here..

Now, If a guy does show a more serious romantic interest in me I legitimately panic and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. Like the moment I let my guard down around him he'll see through me and end up feeling embarrassed to be seen with me, his friends will ask him why he's with me, girls will wonder why he's with me.

A guy I did like asked me to be his girlfriend and I freaked out and went cold and borderline mean, acting like I didn't care. I don't know why. I just want to hide away from it all but at the same time I do want to be serious with someone \(not that I even have time anymore lmao\). I just don't want them to see the ugly parts of me. To not be good enough for them.

I used to think that this attitude of 'not being good enough' was put on \- like how could you not realise someone likes you and just go with it? But it's a complete physical reaction and it's scary. I just feel so weird and alone in feeling like this..

[Rant/Rave] Restriction highs
Created: Wed May 30 14:09:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nbsg0/restriction_highs/
I’m in the middle of a binge cycle...to be honest I haven’t been able to escape it for almost two years now. I can go without binging for maybe at most 3 days, and then I mini binge or full on binge.

Is it bad that I miss the hunger and emptiness during restriction? I miss this power it gives me—like I’m lighter than I’ve ever been. It’s as if I can almost see fat melting away every night I fall asleep hungry. Does anyone else feel a satisfaction when you go to bed and your stomach is growling and you ignore it and sleep through it. It’s the way I know I had a good day. I don’t have that much anymore.

I’m so sick of being stuck. I just want to eat less and not have food control my life. I want to not be disgusted by my body, fit in my clothes, and not be uncomfortable in my own skin, but I wonder if missing the high during restriction or being in the midst of it is any better. I don’t think it is....but honestly, I’d rather be on that end of it than this end. I keep telling myself I’ll eat less and control myself, but then I inevitably find myself in the kitchen several times a day, mindlessly eating. It sucks.

[Other] Guys, some dude is inappropriately messaging girls on here. Please stay safe and careful. <3
Created: Wed May 30 14:01:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nbpwo/guys_some_dude_is_inappropriately_messaging_girls/

[Rant/Rave] THIS DRESS HASNT FIT IN TWO YEARS!!!!!! thx vyvanse
Created: Wed May 30 13:51:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nbn62/this_dress_hasnt_fit_in_two_years_thx_vyvanse/

[GUIDE] Fasting for weight loss: a scientific approach
Created: Wed May 30 13:28:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nbgff/guide_fasting_for_weight_loss_a_scientific/

Hi! Apologies if this has been done before but I did a quick search and was unable to find anything. I want to pre-face this by saying that I am not a doctor, researcher or expert but I am almost done my BSc in biology, so this is my best attempt at explaining things in an understandable way.

I see a lot of discussion on fasting and was curious in it myself, and after some reading was able to find a comprehensive study done on long term fasting. It’s from the 80’s so please keep this in mind - there’s nothing more recent that I could find. This will be focused on fasting with weight/fat loss in mind.

All my below writing is paraphrased from this paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1274154/pdf/westjmed00207-0055.pdf

Fasting is split into essentially 3 phases:
1) first 6-24 hours: glycogenolysis — body uses up carbs that you last consumed
2) 2-10 days: gluconeogenic — body breaks down amino acids (proteins! muscles!), lactate, pyruvate; whatever it can easily get a hold of
3) 10+ days: protein conservation — body switches from breaking down protein/muscles to breaking down fat, ketones, fatty acids

Weight loss during the first 2 phases (so from day 1 to day 9) is very fast; up to 0.9 kg/day, and then slowly tapers off. This weight loss is from a combination of carbs being digested and used up (as water taken in is bound to carbs at a 2.7:1 ratio, so for every 1g of carbs, you retain 2.7g of water), and your body breaking down protein and muscles for energy. By day 10, you slow down to 0.3 kg/day — from this point onward, your weight loss will primarily be fat.

Loss of weight in the first 2 phases seems to be primarily associated with loss of ions. Make sure to supplement your fast with electrolytes and salt (pickle brine is great!). Do not supplement with multivitamins/protein (more on this later).

You will gain back water weight once you re-feed; this is normal and expected! It’s your body binding water to carbs to make them available for use. Don’t stress too much about this, but do remember for when you calculate the lengths of your fasts based on your goals.

With this in mind, if you really want to lose fat primarily (and not muscle tone), you should be aiming for fasts of 10+ days. 30 days seems like a good balance, as you have the 10 days of carb/protein depletion, then 20 days of fat depletion. The study primarily focuses on those who fasted for around 30-40 days, and saw little risk associated.

Medical complications can arise from long term fasting. Those with heart problems and low blood pressure should not fast. As well, there are documented incidences of sudden cardiac death associated associated with liquid protein intake during fasting. The mechanism is unknown, but if you choose to supplement your fasting with some calories, please be aware of this and choose appropriately - carbs and fats should be used instead.

Additionally, please re-feed SLOWLY and carefully. The temptation to binge is there but doing so after a long fast may result in gut blockages (which led to death for those affected, as noted in the study). Start with fluids, start slow and work your way back up to solids — one option is reverse dieting (e.g. 200 cal on day one of re-feed, 400 on day 2, and so forth).

I wrote this to the best of my ability but if I made any errors, please let me know and correct me! If anyone else wants to add onto this, that would be lovely. I think this is a great resource for those who really want to set clear goals for their fasts and plan things out in a constructive way.

For me personally, knowing that 10+ days is when a fast really takes true effectiveness makes me stick to my fast instead of wavering, and setting a goal of 30 days makes it attainable.

* first 10 days are water weight and muscle loss, true fat loss happens after the first 10 days when your metabolism switches


* re-feed SLOWLY to prevent gut blockages leading to death


* aim for 30 day fasts if possible

I Also Made A Peach! I Have No Idea What I'm Doing!
Created: Wed May 30 13:14:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nbc2m/i_also_made_a_peach_i_have_no_idea_what_im_doing/

[Other] Poem I wrote about my ED that I don't have the guts to share with anyone else [Possible TW]
Created: Wed May 30 12:46:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nb3y4/poem_i_wrote_about_my_ed_that_i_dont_have_the/
when I go all day without eating
i feel so beautiful
am i lovely yet?
or does it need more time?
one day isn't enough
you didn't notice
could i scream any louder
"It's empty in here"
i don't suppose so
what if i paint myself in scarlet
surely its hue allures
i can't get lovely enough
no matter how i starve
so maybe i'll die for you
isn't that lovely?

(This was written after a breakup and I'm referencing that person in case you were curious. I just thought I'd share the most fucked up thing I have written to date. )

Saw some pictures of myself at my highest weight that were taken without my knowledge and I feel sick.
Created: Wed May 30 12:41:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nb2j1/saw_some_pictures_of_myself_at_my_highest_weight/
I never looked in mirrors or allowed pictures, so I never understood the full scope of how far gone I was. I always knew my starting weight was high, but I'm actually surprised how badly I carried it. I had a fucking double chin, my cheeks bulged out like a chipmunk, my thighs were massive, the rolls of my stomach were visible under my shirt. I didn't even look human. It sounds like body dysmorphia talking, but it's not. I somehow managed to give myself the body of a dumpy 40 year old aunt at 15. What kills me is that I was seen like that. I interacted with people and went about my day in that revolting body and didn't even think about it. There are people who hear my name and visualize that amorphous blob of flesh and there's nothing I can do to change that image until they finally see me again. If no one notices a difference, I have no idea how I'm going to cope with the fact that I'm indistinguishable from the creature in those pictures.

i just binged on donuts i'm so fucking mad at myself
Created: Wed May 30 12:35:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nb0t0/i_just_binged_on_donuts_im_so_fucking_mad_at/
i'm so pissed i was hungry and got donuts and i should have had just one because i hadn't eaten anything so far today but nooo

[Rant/Rave] i'm feeling guilty about eating (tiny vent)
Created: Wed May 30 12:24:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8naxkl/im_feeling_guilty_about_eating_tiny_vent/
So I skipped breakfast today. I was going to skip lunch too, but it was one of my favorite foods and I was hungry from fasting all day yesterday. The meal was probably less than 400cal, and I had a 140 cal tea with it. I finished eating it and felt really guilty and fat and like I had betrayed myself...I went on a two hour run to make up for it but the back of my mind is making me feel like I'm going to gain weight anyway. I've been eating well under my TDEE (it's close to 2,000 cal, I usually eat less than 100 cal a day), but I feel so guilty and bad for eating. I don't know what to do to get out of this funk, but I feel like I've become so obsessed with not eating and being thin again.

Guys, Don Francisco's Cinnamon Hazelnut Coffee is LIFE!
Created: Wed May 30 12:23:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nax0g/guys_don_franciscos_cinnamon_hazelnut_coffee_is/
I just had a cup and it's like drinking a crisp cup of autumn. It's like a sweet treat but it's black coffee so it's only like 5 calories. I'm so excited, I haven't been able to drink black coffee in a while because it was all so bitter after a while but I highly reccomend this to anyone thinking of switching to black coffee for fasts or just in general.

[Rant/Rave] I ❤️ my psychiatrist
Created: Wed May 30 12:21:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nawk5/i_my_psychiatrist/
I’ve been taking Wellbutrin and Lexapro to treat my depression for about 9months now.

I just had a very frank discussion with my psychiatrist about how lexapro increases my appetite and she’s agreed to take me off of it.

I love having a say in what I do to my body and I also hate lying so I’m glad this worked out!

Also I’m pretty sure Wellbutrin is suppressing my appetite so I really don’t want to go off of it possibly ever.

Meal with meds
Created: Wed May 30 12:11:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8natla/meal_with_meds/
I don't really post here but I just needed to share this with people who get it. I had a doctors appointment recently and it basically went like this:

Doctor: with this new medication you'll need to have it with dinner. You should take it with about 800 calories...you know, a normal sized meal.

Me: *screams internally*

[Discussion] Anyone else fine with not knowing their exact calories so long as it's less than what you counted?
Created: Wed May 30 11:54:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8naonx/anyone_else_fine_with_not_knowing_their_exact/
it seems like everyone here talks about not sharing food, or being upset when someone asks for some, but I give my dog half of everything I eat (if he can have it) and offer everything to friends and family because then I'm eating even less than I planned

anyone relate?

Favorite gum?
Created: Wed May 30 11:53:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nao4i/favorite_gum/
I’ve heard that chewing gum helps if you are hungry. I haven’t chewed gum since middle school (I feel like I’m chewing on my own spit) but I’m willing to give it a try. So what’s a good one? I don’t like mint so fruitier the better!

[Rant/Rave] Disordered eating or eating disorder, recovering either way.
Created: Wed May 30 11:47:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8namfk/disordered_eating_or_eating_disorder_recovering/
I have disordered eating, not sure if it’s a full blown disorder. But I’m trying to get myself out of the mentality. It started with me weightlifting, then slowly turned into me dieting and not having energy to lift. I wanted to get skinny. I would say in my head, “I would have an eating disorder and be skinny if I wasn’t going to enlist in the military.” You can’t enlist if you have had an ED, so I never let myself go lower than 1200 cals. It’s now at the point where food is all I think about, I’m always analyzing how other people are eating and feel shameful because I need to eat so much more to feel full and I eat more quickly than others.

As a kid I never worried about food, I literally only ate bread and butter and saltines and was probably starving a bit because now that I’m a teen I can literally eat anything and everything. I started counting calories a year ago, stopped for a bit then got into it again. I also started IF and wasn’t eating anything I deemed unhealthy, I just replaced “unhealthy” stuff with lower calorie versions of it, which gave me awful bloating and stomach pains. I have body aches, am always tired, can hardly hold a conversation, have barely any motivation for exercising, and just feel plain ol’ crap.

I’m writing this on a bus home from a family reunion vacation, at a house where there was endless food and lots of activities. I started the night before, planning out my snacks. I weighed out homemade roasted chickpeas in 100 calorie bag servings, a serving of Go Lean cereal, cheap protein bars and some nasty edamame beans I bought because they were high in protein. I ended the weekend with deciding I’m going to be doing MinnieMaud, basically eating whatever I want/can. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I just want my life back. I don’t want the guilt associated with eating an extra cookie. I don’t want the two naps a day. I want to have energy and clarity. I just want to be happy.

I don’t know the point of this post. I just felt like writing about my situation, maybe some of you can relate. I found some podcasts that are really giving me the motivation to heal my relationship with food and my body:

Well and Weird with Holly Lowery
Love, Food with Julie Duffy Dillon
The Recovery Warrior Show with Jessica Flint

Big boobs and BMI
Created: Wed May 30 11:29:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nah3e/big_boobs_and_bmi/
Do big boobs make your BMI inaccurate? I have a 36DDD chest. They’ve always been huge. My BMI is 25.5 I’m definitely not where I want to be weight wise for my own personal goals, but I definitely don’t feel like I fall in the over weight range either. Anyone know the answer???

Created: Wed May 30 11:20:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nae7t/laxatives/
Hi so I don’t want to use laxatives as a purging method just simply to keep me somewhat “regular”. I’ve had *really* painful constipation before (tmi I know) when I’ve severely restricted and I do not want that again. What ones work best do you think?

[Discussion] Is Peach worth it? What do you guys do on it?
Created: Wed May 30 11:13:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8nacb9/is_peach_worth_it_what_do_you_guys_do_on_it/
So I've seen the Peach master post here, and I do know that it's a social networking kind of app and that some of you guys are on it. But just want to hear from you guys, is it worth it? Should I make a Peach account? What do you do on it?

[Discussion] What do people without an ED even think about??
Created: Wed May 30 11:09:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8naaxf/what_do_people_without_an_ed_even_think_about/
Like how do normal people occupy their thoughts? I can’t even imagine NOT thinking about food all the fucking time. And that’s all I want. I just want my brain to think normally or at least think about something else besides food. Sometimes I’ll be able to focus and think about something normal for a split second and then it’s back to thoughts of food. Does anyone have any tricks to subverting their focus to things other than food?

[Rant/Rave] What was even the fucking point [rant]
Created: Wed May 30 10:57:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8na7a6/what_was_even_the_fucking_point_rant/
I went through IOP recovering a month or two back, where part of it was looking at the scale once a week at the center while supervised, and I threw my personal scale off a bridge (literally) so i couldn't weigh every day. I went in to treat my binge eating mostly, and was hoping that the binge eating weight would peel off once I stopped bingeing. And you know what it's true, I don't binge anymore--IOP worked. No more family-size packs of oreos or tortilla chips, I'm capable of packing up my meals if they're large, I'm able to leave food on my plate, I'm able to dip into a pint of ice cream without killing the whole thing. It's wild.

But....today I was weighed at the doctor's and....I've only lost like two pounds since IOP if that. WHAT THE FUCK. I know I drink a little too much but it's not like I'm overeating during it anymore...

Counting calories was one of my most disordered habits but I feel like I need to start again. I can't deal with this. I know body image is the last part of the ED to go and I've only been recovered for like a month or two but I can't stop freaking out. I want to intermittent fast, count calories, everything to "undo the damage" my ED did....which I know is paradoxical and all because it would throw me straight back in to not understanding moderation....but I'm not "Happy" with my body like this. I'm not. And I don't hate it more than I did while in the binge-restrict cycle. So I guess net benefit but....I'm still not good enough. I don't know. I know I need to find a way to get self-worth besides weight but...I'm drinking wine at 12:30 pm after getting home from the doctor's and I should've known not to look at my weight but it's just so fucking hard.

[Discussion] Is anyone triggered by a family member?
Created: Wed May 30 10:55:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8na6xk/is_anyone_triggered_by_a_family_member/
I have a family member that triggers me SO bad. She’s my exact same age and always has been really, really small and pretty. She has 3 kids and looks like she’s never even had one. I get so jealous sometimes that I have to distance myself every once in awhile from her. Its like I can only take it for so long before I need a break. I realize it’s stupid to feel that way about someone you love, but I was just wondering is anyone else struggles with something like this? It’s so hard and I feel like such a bitch.

[Help] Did welbutrin make any of you suicidal
Created: Wed May 30 10:52:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8na5sv/did_welbutrin_make_any_of_you_suicidal/
I don’t want to look up the side effects of welbutrin bc I don’t want to trick myself into feeling any of them but is suicidal thoughts one of the side effects? I feel like it is for every med like this pretty much

I have been entertaining the idea of hurting myself or worse pretty much every day now. I have only been on welbutrin for less than a week so I can’t tell if this is how I felt all along, because it’s definitely been on my mind the past couple months. But I feel like I’ve been thinking about it more and more and just everything feels so pointless. Like people get so concerned to hear someone is suicidal but I really don’t see why it matters, everything is pointless and we all die at some point anyways so why does it matter if it is now or later. Nothing makes me happy for any extended period of time. I’m only remotely happy when I’m around other people and even then I want to be drunk bc I am consumed with thoughts about eating and my body.
I feel like I am just going through the motions at this point. I’m forcing myself to get out of bed and get out of the house and go to the gym and shit but nothing helps. I still wake up every morning fucking miserable. And I have so much shit to be happy about and I’m just not.

I think about death all the time now. I don’t think I would do anything but it just seems so much better than feeling like this all the time.

Is this the welbutrin or is it me? Do I give it another week or two to actually see how it effects me?

[Tip] A Few Cooking Tips
Created: Wed May 30 10:43:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8na38p/a_few_cooking_tips/
I've been at my parents' as of late so I've had to get extra creative with my cooking to avoid giving into cravings and having six submarine rolls in one sitting (so many regrets...) as well as avoiding suspicion.

The first is an anti-tip, a warning if you will: stevia is the devil's sugar. You think your lemon meringue is going to be awesome and then you take a bite and the unpleasant bitter, chemical taste hits you and all that time spend whipping egg whites is for nothing. If you're going to be using stevia, make sure you're also adding things to mask the bitter flavour.

Add a tablespoon of psyllium husks into a cup of broth and mix well. Makes it seem like there's a bit of rice or small pasta mixed in and it's a lot more filling. Plus bowel movements are great.

On that topic, want jam minus added sugar? Stew down whatever fruit you want until it starts catching on the bottom of the pan, let cool for 10 minutes and add about 2 tablespoons psyllium husk for every cup of fruit. If you let it cool further in the fridge it ends up having the texture of bread pudding. Eat right away because psyllium husk will continue gelling with time.

Finally, this is kind of specific but I made oatmeal cookies and tripled the amount of oats and substituted stevia for granulated sugar (the cinnamon and brown sugar masked the bitter taste) which made each 25 g cookie about 50 calories instead of 100 and increased the iron and fiber content significantly.

[Rant/Rave] What am I trying to prove??
Created: Wed May 30 10:38:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8na1yj/what_am_i_trying_to_prove/
I slid into this weird habit of holding off on eating for as long as possible. Im in recovery, or a stupid loopy version of it now, so Ive been maintaining my weight, I eat all my calories, just only after 5 pm or I feel like a failure for "giving in" to "eating too early" what the?? who the fuck cares?? it doesn't even make a difference in my weight if I have my calories when im hungry or if I wait until dinner?

who am I trying to impress? literally nobody knows I make myself do this! its so stupid! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE CRYING BECAUSE I HAD YOGURT AT 11 INSTEAD OF AT 5

DAE gain weight with their period?
Created: Wed May 30 10:34:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8na0sy/dae_gain_weight_with_their_period/
I always seem to hold on to a bunch of water weight during my period, and I feel super bloated and awful. But everything online seems to say that the water weight will go away once your period starts. That’s not my experience at all, so I was wondering if there were any other people who experience a similar “gain” when Mother Nature decides to call?

[Rant/Rave] Wish my depression killed my appetite
Created: Wed May 30 10:33:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8na0l9/wish_my_depression_killed_my_appetite/
Instead it just makes me not give a shit and get lazy with my ed. Then my anxiety makes me freak out bc I’m eating more. Then I get more depressed bc eating makes me sad and not eating makes me sad.

I’ve eaten regularly for the past three days and weirdly I don’t feel *too* horrible about myself, which is good except for the fact that it makes me feel like I can keep eating.... and that will eventually make me feel horrible about myself.

I’m so fucking sad

[Tip] Stop hunger at night
Created: Wed May 30 10:23:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9xig/stop_hunger_at_night/
How do you stop the hunger when trying to get to sleep. I drink water but that doesn’t help.

[Rant/Rave] Stomach virus or food poisoning? Either way despite the pain I'm grateful.
Created: Wed May 30 10:16:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9vf4/stomach_virus_or_food_poisoning_either_way/
A few weeks ago I promised a friend I would eat at least 600cal a day and have a full meal with him every time we saw one another. I ended up eating over 600cals daily because I have little self control and ended up undoing about 60% of my weight loss from my last great restriction phase. Over the weekend I've gotten a stomach virus or food poisoning or something and it. Has. Been. A. Godsend. I hadn't had much of an appetite at all and anything I drink runs right through me. I even vomit when it's bad enough if I've had something to eat. I realize it's all water weight and empty bowels because I am extremely dehydrated but I am back down by another 6 pounds in a 24 hour period. I am so strangely ecstatic about this. It's like getting the kickstart I need back into restricting. And despite how miserable my bottom and stomach feels I feel much better mentally.

[Rant/Rave] Why on earth do I keep gaining???
Created: Wed May 30 09:36:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9jpu/why_on_earth_do_i_keep_gaining/
It’s just been a steady rise in my average weight. I don’t get it. I eat max 1000 cals every day— sometimes not even reaching that, maybe an average of 700– but I still gain whole pounds every night. I gained 1.6 lbs yesterday after eating 550 cals and burning 3000, which consisted of rice pudding, a baked sweet potato, and one Reese’s cup.

It’s all CICO, but why am I still gaining? And consistently? I literally want to scream right now because I workout for hours on end and starve and agonize over my calorie choices but here I am, gaining more bf% and packing on the lbs like I’m eating like a pig

Help meeee

New bmi v old bmi?
Created: Wed May 30 09:35:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9jer/new_bmi_v_old_bmi/
Can someone explain to me the difference and what's the point in differentiating, if there is one? Thanks!

(Flair - discussion please!)

[Discussion] New bmi v old bmi?
Created: Wed May 30 09:34:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9iyl/new_bmi_v_old_bmi/
Can someone explain to me the difference and what's the point in differentiating, if there is one? Thanks!

[Discussion] New BMI v Old BMI
Created: Wed May 30 09:33:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9ioj/new_bmi_v_old_bmi/
Can someone explain to me the difference and what's the point in differentiating, if there is one? Thanks!

[Discussion] New BMI v Old BMI
Created: Wed May 30 09:33:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9inw/new_bmi_v_old_bmi/
Can someone explain to me the difference and what's the point in differentiating, if there is one? Thanks!

[Rant/Rave] Can anorexia be just in my imagination or for real? If its real, i wonder if it will be temporary. Wishing for a temporary state
Created: Wed May 30 09:29:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9hm5/can_anorexia_be_just_in_my_imagination_or_for/
I have been unemployed for a year now. I will be starting a new job next week. As I am in a restricting mood, I fear I might faint cuz I am feel light headed or dizzy during the day and once or twice, when I stand, I nearly fell.

I am supposed to follow the dietitian's meal plan. But I can't imagine or start my self on it. I fear I might get emotional or cry about it. Seriously, I still wonder if my anorexia is for real and if it is, will it ever going to be temporary? I got so disappointed at my appointment today. Thinking way too much and wishing that this illness ( which I still can't accept, feels unreal, cuz my dieting habit has all along been this way since last year, feels like everything is going down hill ever since) is just a dream and it will disappear when I wake up.

I am not sort of still enjoying the restricting mode I guess.

I can finally focus! But ADHD meds may not be a great idea
Created: Wed May 30 09:28:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9h5o/i_can_finally_focus_but_adhd_meds_may_not_be_a/
I can finally get stuff done in my new position, I really want to do well! I don't feel the need for coffee so much, so I'm not so anxious. But of course, I have no appetite. I haven't taken such a high dose since I was a teenager, and I forgot how shit it is for your appetite. This is not going to be helpful for me to keep healthy

Have you tried the IU diet?
Created: Wed May 30 09:15:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n9dix/have_you_tried_the_iu_diet/
The whole internet was in uproar about the diet when it first came out, but from an 'ED perspective'- 500 kcal a day is pretty much what I eat, and instead of eating a big bowl of cereal a day, three small meals might be better, and it'd cover my macros a lot better.

Has anybody here tried it and what was your experience with it?

For people who do not know, IU is a *very* popular korean singer who lost a drastic amount of weight following her strict diet- eating an apple for breakfast, a sweet potato for lunch and a protein shake for dinner.

I say I'd die to have those legs/have a smaller chest/be thin way too much for people not to realise I mean it
Created: Wed May 30 09:02:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n99zp/i_say_id_die_to_have_those_legshave_a_smaller/

Food diary day 4
Created: Wed May 30 09:01:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n99jq/food_diary_day_4/
Well after my disappointing morning I decided to cut my breakfast down. So I cut my bagel in half and made a knockoff Starbucks drink (I needed some real caffeine) and that came out to 255. Work was really physical again today so that was good. It’s only 10 and I’ve burned about 970. I just can’t get over my disappointment. I’ll update with lunch later.

Just got peach on my new phone!
Created: Wed May 30 08:53:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n97dv/just_got_peach_on_my_new_phone/
Don't know how to work it or what it does but I'm Nikki2677 so add away!

Rough Weekend
Created: Wed May 30 08:39:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n93pb/rough_weekend/
This past weekend was tough. It was a long holiday weekend here in the US. We went to the lake and went to dinner with friends, and had a huge cookoff/ potluck. I knew I couldn’t get away with not eating so I tried OMAD instead. But I still know that I over ate. I typically eat less than 500 calories per day. I’ve been too scared to step on the scale because I know it went up. I can feel it. So I’ve been fasting since and will step on the scale when I know it’s back to my weight a week ago. I’m just lying to myself. Just needed to get it off my chest, and force myself to actually tell someone.

[Rant/Rave] Timing sucks
Created: Wed May 30 08:35:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n92j1/timing_sucks/
I have big exams starting next week so I’m pretty much always in school. Barely eaten anything all day and at 3pm started feeling dizzy and extremely tired, so I went and got the lowest cal crisps from the vending machine (145cals). I knew I was going to have to walk 25mins to the train station, then another 35/40mins home so I thought it’d be okay. Now my mum tells me she can drop me home and now I feel so far and disgusting. If only I’d held out for half an hour then I could’ve been home fine... fuck.

[Help] Whats the best way forward?
Created: Wed May 30 08:33:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n91y1/whats_the_best_way_forward/
So I've been relapsing since the end of February, and so far I'm down about 8kg/just over a stone. I'm around a 19 BMI. I want to lose another 8kg by August 10th. At the moment my daily diet is 2 large cuppachinos with soy milk, a couple cups of almond milk and a stock cube for something salty, and I have shiritaki noodles maybe twice a week with some mushrooms. I do bake a lot though and I find myself binging on icing and vegan cake batter when I bake, and that's why I'm not losing very quickly. I want to stop baking now (I have a couple events between now and August but I can manage a couple, less ambitious cakes). Im also relying heavily on laxatives and I've stopped exercising. I want to stop taking lax all the time so I've bought some senna teas instead to help.

I'm planning on going down to a maximum of one soy coffee a day, but I'm not sure if I should start eating more often? I know I won't quit lax if I do though, I can't stand having food in my stomach.

I've flaired this as help but I don't really know what I want. I'm just at a loss because I'm losing really, really slowly now (maybe 1kg every two weeks) and I need to be 8kg down in like 10 weeks. I'm freaking out. What can I do? I could start exercising again but I'm at a loss for what to do because I live in a second floor apartment with people underneath me so I can't make noise. I was working as a yoga teacher in a gym but I'm quitting because I have an ear problem that lasts a few months at a time and throws my balance off so I have to keep cancelling so I'm also cancelling my gym membership so I can't go there.

This is really rambly and I'm sorry but I'm so stressed out. I don't know what to do.

I love taunting my coworkers
Created: Wed May 30 08:29:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n90xd/i_love_taunting_my_coworkers/
Im by a pretty fair margin one of thr skinniest people at my job (first shift girl im on to you) but i still manage to lift the largest weights and move the quickest hours on end. I love taunting the other boys about how they could use time in the gym like me or they could use some extra workout when theyre slacking off (and ive been hauling an unhealthy amount of ass for 8+ hours. I know its not nice pr right, but does anyone else take pleasure in the fact that despite being under weight and undereating you still kick more ass than your coworkers?

Petition to have this in the sidebar? It's like the current BMI calculator and losertown all in one.
Created: Wed May 30 08:21:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n8ymm/petition_to_have_this_in_the_sidebar_its_like_the/

Any strength athletes?
Created: Wed May 30 08:16:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n8xc8/any_strength_athletes/
I'm a 34 year old powerlifter at 80kg/175lbs (second highest weight class). I dealt with Anorexia nervosa binge/purge subtype as a teenager and in college, then I "recovered" and gained 36kg/80lbs. I am very strong, but I hate how my body looks. I am down 4kg for the year, but I have become weak.

Any other strength athletes here? How do you balance your nutritional "needs" with your anxiety about food?

[Rant/Rave] Hair Loss
Created: Wed May 30 08:14:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n8wsn/hair_loss/
My hair is falling out and I had a panic attack in the shower because of it. How awful has it gotten that my hair falling out isn’t my rock bottom? How much worse is it gonna get?

My birthday is tomorrow and I’ll be the bald, skinny girl with no friends or family.

I ate junk food all week and still lost. I might be able to recover.
Created: Wed May 30 08:03:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n8thp/i_ate_junk_food_all_week_and_still_lost_i_might/
I've been heavily restricting for almost a year now; I aim for 750-850 calories a day and never binge/purge. I've mostly been keeping to it, but I don't think i've had a day at all in that timeframe where i've eaten more than 2000 calories at all. Although i'm consistent i'm obsessed and unhappy.

This past week was different, I was staying with the guy I like and we spent every day in bed watching netflix; I ate takeaway pizza 3 times in the space of 6 days (the entire pizza), chinese takeaway for lunch on one of those days and a couple of jam doughnuts, cookies, bacon and egg, cheese throughout the week. Foods i'd never even consider touching ever usually but loved before I started. I was so paranoid to weigh myself today because I thought I would've gained at least 3 pounds.

I was wrong. I actually somehow managed to lose half a pound. That's pretty much what I've been losing (or maintaining) during heavy restricting. I'm so taken aback right now, but it's shown me that I don't have to be so hard on myself and it's all in my head.

This isn't something i'm going to continue, but honestly I think it's a step towards a recovery i'm comfortable with. I think it'll help me to keep control and have a more relaxed relationship with food and instead of heavy restricting constantly I can add a couple extra hundred calories in each day of food I love and still be ok. I'm not going to lie, my body feels pretty shitty but I think that's probably because I overdid it a bit with the junk and shocked myself, but knowing I can eat what I want in moderation and still lose/maintain is a revelation I can't even put into words rn. I pooped a normal amount for the first time in 6 months. I felt like a normal person around him. The anxiety was gone, and I felt so much happier.

Take the time to look after your body and mind, and make small steps towards a recovery which suits you! <3

[Discussion] DAE suppress their appetite with ungodly amounts of caffene and nicotine?
Created: Wed May 30 06:35:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n87ke/dae_suppress_their_appetite_with_ungodly_amounts/
Yeah ive kinda given up

Anyone here know they're not fat but can't stop?
Created: Wed May 30 06:28:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n860g/anyone_here_know_theyre_not_fat_but_cant_stop/
I'm thin. I'm less than a hundred pounds. I'm considered underweight according to my BMI but I have a fucking enormous fear of gaining weight.

I mean I know it's not healthy especially for my age but even if I don't count i end up guesstimating how many calories I consumed.

Does anyone else here ever feel like this?

Disappointing morning
Created: Wed May 30 06:20:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n847k/disappointing_morning/
Y’all I’m so fucking upset. I finally found my scale. I weight 10 pounds more than I thought I did! I’m absolutely disgusting. Ugh. I weight 160!!! I didn’t want tot toe that out because I don’t want y’all to be disappointed in me but I would’ve felt like I was lying if I didn’t. I hate myself so much. Time to update my flair I guess.

So close!
Created: Wed May 30 06:17:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n83eu/so_close/
I'm at 203lbs down from 247lbs from mid January and I'm SO close to being under 200lbs!

I know this isn't a big deal to anyone but I'm so fuckin excited! 4lbs to go and I'm officially 199lbs! wish me luck for my Friday weigh in! 😅

[Discussion] So angry with feeling I’m never good enough
Created: Wed May 30 06:14:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n82qe/so_angry_with_feeling_im_never_good_enough/
Does anyone else feel so angry all the time. I can’t stand myself. I haven’t eaten a meal in weeks.

My partner doesn’t give a shit it’s not like I’m doing it for him to give me attention or tell me to eat but if he knows I haven’t eaten he won’t say anything.

I just want to feel pretty and stop feeling so big and in the way and disgusting

I know how men can be together. But him and his friends send pictures of women to each other all the time. Size 8 big boobs pretty. Also 4 months ago I found his secret date app and Facebook and all the girls on there where the usual big boobs size 8 etc pretty,It makes me feel like killing myself.

Daily Food Diary! May 30, 2018
Created: Wed May 30 06:12:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n82ad/daily_food_diary_may_30_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 30, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Sticky] Way To Go Wednesday May 30, 2018
Created: Wed May 30 06:11:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n822e/way_to_go_wednesday_may_30_2018/
This is the weekly achievement thread for May 30, 2018.

This weekly thread is to spotlight those achievements you feel don't necessarily warrant their own post, but you'd like to celebrate all the same. This is not limited to specifically ED-related goals; share anything you are happy about having done or accomplished recently!


Achievement threads are posted every Wednesday.

Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

Struggling with weight gain after recovery?
Created: Wed May 30 05:21:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n7rpv/struggling_with_weight_gain_after_recovery/

I got out of hospital \(IP\) 3 months ago, and haven't stepped on a scale until this morning. My lowest ever weight was 72lbs, \(this was 6 months or so ago\) and today, I weigh 125.

Don't get me wrong 125 is fine \(I'm 5'4\) but I'm really struggling with staying "positive" about being 125. I really want to be under 100 again but I'm afraid ill cause complications with my family.

I'm not sure if I'm really looking for support or not... I guess my question is, should I try to maintain 125 or is it okay to go a little lower again?

thanks guys! \<3

I think ED is giving me alcohol issues (TW)
Created: Wed May 30 04:07:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n7e0t/i_think_ed_is_giving_me_alcohol_issues_tw/
Basically title.

A bit of alcohol and i stop giving a shit sbout my CW, GW, calories, and the impossibility of functioning at work and losing at a decent rate at the same time.

Until now, i always felt that alcohol brought out the worst in me. I would be boisterous, selfish, and accidentally rude. But now? Fuck, its the only time i am relaxed, and happy with myself. I am cheerful and horny and actually -almost- present in the moment.

Sometimes i say it helps me recover (because it helps me eat) but that sounds like bullshit to me. Plus, it just leads to binging.

Thanks for reading this tipsy rant. Comiseration welcome.

[Rant/Rave] **TW** Scared of dying
Created: Wed May 30 03:04:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n72z8/tw_scared_of_dying/
I don't know how to stop this. I saw a psychologist for the first time today, and I was hoping for some insight and validation. But she just told me to go see a doctor so she would know I wasn't "passed out somewhere". I'm terrified that I won't be able to get the help I need and this whatever this is is going to kill me. It feels like nobody understands enough to help.
Sorry for rambling on I just had to get this off ny chest.

Ugh someone talk me out of McDonalds please!!!
Created: Wed May 30 03:03:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n72w2/ugh_someone_talk_me_out_of_mcdonalds_please/

[Rant/Rave] Please stop eating my food
Created: Wed May 30 01:32:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n6odz/please_stop_eating_my_food/
I’m so anxious that I’m lying here awake at 3am dreading lunch tomorrow. I left for the long weekend and my roommate used up my low fat ranch dressing and the cracker and cheese slices I use for my lunches (even though she has so much food in the fridge it’s rotting before she can even finish it). Every night I make my lunch for the next day: raw veggies with 1/3 a table spoon of dressing and three crackers with cheese. She didn’t replace the stuff of mine she ate and didn’t bother to tell me it was gone either. I didn’t find out till 10pm, so no time to run to the grocery store. I’m kicking myself for not predicting this would happen.

I feel like I could cry, cause my entire day is now ruined. I don’t know what to eat for lunch now, and I can’t stop thinking about having to go out and buy something at work. I’m just laying here panicking about it and wishing I was asleep. I’m so irrationally angry at her and I know if I try to explain why I’m pissed she’ll think I’m a freak for getting so upset about food.


I’m just so freaking upset right now. I think I’m gonna have to have a serious talk about food boundaries with her because if this happens any more frequently I’m gonna have a heart attack from the stress. Ughhhhh. EAT YOUR OWN FOOD AND STOP EATING MINE

Heading To Louisiana With My Dad :(
Created: Wed May 30 01:16:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n6lsk/heading_to_louisiana_with_my_dad/
All the trigger foods, boudin, king cake, cajun cracklings, gumbo. Work with my dad(long haul trucker) is great but holy $?!& is it difficult to remain strong while in this state! I'm going to try to remain strong but I know he's going to stop at Don's Specialty Meats and buy cracklings like he usually does and he's going to ask if I want some boudin or pickled quail eggs or any of the other foods I get when we're out this way. He doesn't know that I'm starving myself and he'll suspect that something is up because despite eating very healthy he knows I'm a sucker for local foods in Louisiana especially in Scott and New Orleans. I don't know what to do, maybe one cheat day couldn't hurt and then I drink a bottle of magnesium citrate and down some water pills afterwards. Or maybe I should risk him wondering if I'm not actually eating.

[Help] Fasting help
Created: Wed May 30 00:51:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n6hea/fasting_help/
Like the title says, I need some input guys. I'm 25 and a half hours into a 48 hour fast (maybe more, I'm not sure yet) and I actually feel pretty damn good. I don't feel super hungry like I thought I would but seriously, how do I convince my stomach that?! The stupid thing is growling sooo loud it's ridiculous, how do I shut it up? Also has anyone else noticed that their throat kind of hurts? I'm trying to figure out if it's fasting related or if I'm gonna end up with a cold for the bagillionth time this year. Thanks for any help, stay safe friends 😊

Hope y’all have a good day.
Created: Wed May 30 00:13:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n6ao5/hope_yall_have_a_good_day/

I’ve been trying to gain weight but I keep losing.

Hunger headaches?
Created: Wed May 30 00:04:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n68zp/hunger_headaches/
So I'm 1.6 away from a small milestone, and I want this by Friday so bad. But I'm on for five hours on my own at work and this hunger headache is getting worse, and because they fucking gave the scabby kid on with me the day off I have so much to do. Its quiet now but in few hours I'm gonna be running around like a headless chicken (I work in sales with builders, so much ag I hate it, so much stress)

What do you guys do to make hunger headaches go away :(

[Help] How to deal with weakness after purging?
Created: Wed May 30 00:02:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n68kz/how_to_deal_with_weakness_after_purging/
Is it something to do with electrolytes? I purge by throwing up if that matters. I am starting to feel super weak and tired after purging and I really don’t like it. It affects how well I do in school and I generally can’t do anything for an hour after purging because I’m too tired. Maybe I should just be asking how to stop purging so often but that’s pretty much impossible for me haha.

"How can you hate food so much, yet talk about it constantly?"
Created: Tue May 29 23:56:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n67it/how_can_you_hate_food_so_much_yet_talk_about_it/
**"Normal people can't tell me what they had for dinner like a week ago, but you can recite everything you've had all month. It's crazy"**

Yeah. I know. Just kill me now. I don't want to be this way.

[Rant/Rave] WTF brain??
Created: Tue May 29 23:47:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n65yk/wtf_brain/
So I'm very close to completing my first 24 hour fast, and I know that doesn't seem.like anyone but I've got a pretty bad binge eating disorder and that on top of my family life means that I've literally never been able to complete one before. I know it seems stupid af and just highlights how weak and compulsive I am, but it's an important hurdle for me.

Anyway, this isn't about that, this is about my brain making me feel like I'm faking this and lying to myself. Like I'm convinced that I have actually eaten during this, that because my stomach isn't constantly rumbling it means that I'm not fasting right and I'm gaining weight cause of all these imaginary binges I must have had... Like wtf brain? Why can't I just be happy that I'm finally completing a new fasting goal???

Why are people so horrible to overweight women?
Created: Tue May 29 23:08:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n5yhz/why_are_people_so_horrible_to_overweight_women/
I hang out with a lot of guys and I've never seen any group of people talked worse about then overweight women :(

Gaining after b/p
Created: Tue May 29 23:01:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n5x51/gaining_after_bp/
I've been low restricting for weeks. Today I restricted more than usual (under 200 cals and I burned off double that with exercise) but I'm really stressed and ended up binging on four 90 calorie packets of hot chocolate and about 5 almonds. I purged it all but I terrified I'll gain weight from it. Just need reassurance that I wont because I'm so upset I can't sleep.

Fav low calorie snacks?
Created: Tue May 29 22:22:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n5p93/fav_low_calorie_snacks/
I'm kinda stuck in what I've been eating. I've got apples, applesauce, carrots, and rice cakes. So yeah, kinda boring over and over again.

What are your favorite low cal snacks that you can munch on whenever you're a bit hungry with minimal guilt?

[Rant/Rave] It's so sad.
Created: Tue May 29 21:56:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n5jjt/its_so_sad/
My ribs weren't very visible when I looked in the mirror a while ago. Normally, that'd be healthy, good thing for people. Not to me, of course. I was horrified, devastated, and disgusted all at once. Where were those beautiful indents? When I breathed in, they were hidden beneath a layer of fat and skin that I haven't seen in years. When my boyfriend asked what was wrong, I cried, "my ribs aren't showing!" That was when it clicked in my mind. What kind of fucked up was I to be so devastated about that?

Still, I continue doing what I do. Ana, I love you and I hate you.

Relationship Paradox (kinda)
Created: Tue May 29 21:50:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n5i5c/relationship_paradox_kinda/
The best thing about a relationship is that you have someone who cares.

The worst thing about a relationship is that you have someone who cares ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU EAT AND WHO TRIES TO MAKE YOU EAT NORMALLY.


My eating is so out of control. 7k+ calories a day for the past 5 days (at least) WHAT EVEN IS MY APPETITE ANYMORE.
Created: Tue May 29 21:21:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n5btw/my_eating_is_so_out_of_control_7k_calories_a_day/
Idk what this post even is I just need to let it out. I'm so fucking frustrated with everything just to get a handle on my eating.

I feel like I've tried it all. Keto, low carb, paleo, vegan, just restricting, then not restricting, intuitive eating, coffee, ec stacks, Naltrexone, Topamax, etc. I've tried all that and I can't stop fucking eating. I always feel like I'm starving or HARDCORE CRAVING. I hate this and I hate myself.

gaining 10 lbs doesn't stop this
Created: Tue May 29 21:16:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n5av3/gaining_10_lbs_doesnt_stop_this/
How do you normally break your emotional binge cycles? I don't mean 2000 calorie binges, I mean from 3000-10,000 calorie binges.

Stomach pains
Created: Tue May 29 21:09:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n5991/stomach_pains/
I only eat about 400-500 calories a day but every time I eat it hurts and feels like I’ve eaten the whole fridge. Anyway to get rid of that gross feeling without having to eat more? 5’7, cw 145, ugw 125, 22M

[Rant/Rave] I hate myself rn
Created: Tue May 29 21:05:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n58cb/i_hate_myself_rn/
I keep getting played by guys and each time it happens it pushes me in the wrong direction and I become stricter about restriction and it hurts so much but I can’t seem to stop. I’m so tired of feeling depressed over this shit.

I know I can’t continue this. Mainly because I’m on a dance team and I have to get stronger if I’m going to do performance. I need to start getting on a healthier path for myself mentally and physically but it’s so hard.

I want to gain muscle but I also want to be thin and dainty and beautiful. I hate this constant cycle of thinking I can do it only to just to have my confidence shot down. I want to be beautiful 🌸

I'm eating once a day but it feels like twice in a day? poss tw
Created: Tue May 29 20:54:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n55l4/im_eating_once_a_day_but_it_feels_like_twice_in_a/
for some reason, it feels like a day runs from the time I eat, but I wait sometimes an entire 24 hours or more before I eat dinner again. I know one day is midnight to midnight but my days feel like midnight to the next dinner of technically the next day.

Anyone else get their days THIS fucked up?

I think I'm eating 800 to 1200 a day but reality is I'm getting about half of that amount a day. This is really fucking me up, I don't know how I was eating more than this before.

I have eaten barely anything in 2 days--I'm hungry, but I have no appetite.
Created: Tue May 29 20:29:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n500j/i_have_eaten_barely_anything_in_2_daysim_hungry/
Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8moyiz/is_it_okay_to_stress_eat_if_youre_underweight/) for some context. It's a bit irrelevent as I posted that as a generalization, but for the past few days I've had almost no appetite despite feeling hungry.

Yesterday I ate absolutely nothing--despite my mom making some fettuccine for me. She put it down and I couldn't stand the smell of it, despite loving fettuccine most of the time. I didn't eat any of it and I made my mom really sad which I feel terrible for.

Today I had a bagel with cream cheese and a small curly fry from jack-in-the-box. I still feel hungry, but every food I think of eating sounds... I don't know how to put it. I literally want to eat, but I don't want to actually eat anything.

I don't feel nauseated, but my stomach, throat, and mouth feel weird. I just don't think I could eat without making myself sick.

Does anyone have any advice about what I could do? As I mentioned in my other post I don't have any EDs, just a bit of trouble gaining weight.

Overly emotional?
Created: Tue May 29 20:05:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4u5i/overly_emotional/
Y’all I don’t get what’s going on with me. I was having a great day until I got home and one of the people I live with broke something of mine and basically told me to get over it. And it’s something small and inexpensive I shouldn’t care about but now I’m hiding out in my room almost in tears over it. Does anyone else get this way? I’m thinking it’s my body all out of whack and adjusting to not eating a lot but I don’t know.

[Help] Lax Advice?
Created: Tue May 29 19:41:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4ojl/lax_advice/
Guys I haven’t pooped in over a week and I am so bloated. I have always dealt with constipation issues in the past, even before restriction.

What is the best lax I can get that will clear me out?? I’ve tried ducolax in the past and it gave me severe cramping. Is this normal with a lax since it’s really a stimulant? Any other suggestions?

Cute/Interesting Dishes And Cutlery Thread!
Created: Tue May 29 19:38:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4nqs/cuteinteresting_dishes_and_cutlery_thread/
Show me some of your cute, interesting, strange cutlery and dishes! Mugs and cups! Whatever tickles your fancy, let's see 'em!

[Rant/Rave] Today I was sick and ate cookies [RANT]
Created: Tue May 29 19:37:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4nm4/today_i_was_sick_and_ate_cookies_rant/
Yep that’s all I did today and fuck do I feel horrible.

My body aches I have a fever and my head hurts. Can’t go to school another day cuz doctor so I’m missing finals/regionals testing and I’m gonna a fail everything.

Plus I can’t give my friend cookies I made for her birthday cuz now they’re infected with my sickness so instead I ate them all. And now I don’t have a gift to give her.

So I’m sick and fat and my life’s a total mess. And I want to die.

How you guys doing?

I want to go up to eating 1200 calories a day
Created: Tue May 29 19:33:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4mon/i_want_to_go_up_to_eating_1200_calories_a_day/
Hi, never posted here. I normally eat anywhere from 0-800 calories in a day, for the past little while it's been more like 200-400 a day. I am starting to get worried about permanently slowing down my metabolism and doing other damage to my body. Is there any way I can get up to eating 1200 calories a day without ruining my progress and ideally while continuing to lose weight?

Let me know if you have any experience or knowledge in this realm. Thanks.

[Rant/Rave] Mainly a thank you post!
Created: Tue May 29 19:28:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4l74/mainly_a_thank_you_post/
I want to deeply thank the selfless people who took time to respond when I was.. not okay.. the other day/night.

I have never been so close to surrendering as I was in that time. And the fact I know I can spill my thoughts here and get raw, honest answers from all of you slightly rejuvenates me. I can at least see a short term future now. Seeing at least SOMETHING is a whole lot better than only seeing the downward black spiral I felt before. I think the rapid decline of my mental state has shown me that I for sure need to get psychiatric help. Not just with my depression but obviously my ED which is a major reason for the depression/suicidal thoughts. I feel my disorder needs to be addressed more seriously than people give me "credit" for... aka I'm normal BMI and how the fuck could someone like ME have a problem with eating. Wuttt? I eat all the time according to my friends and family 🙄

This is also another note to those who are like me and "don't think you're sick enough"- um yes you are "sick enough" even if you feel like you might not be. There's no reason to not seek help even if you have the slightest change in mental health. Quietly questioning yourself? Get checked out. I wish I did wayyyy before. Don't get to this point if you can avoid it.

Regardless, I love this community so much. Even as much as I've tried to not be "apart" of it and just browse for the most part and thinking I'm just so special/not the same/a random anomaly. Nah bruh. Im not. You probably aren't either! Either way though! You matter! I matter! Thank you Matthew from the suicide hotline who drilled that into my fucked up head in the nicest, most effective way somehow. He saved me when I thought I wasn't saveable. And hopefully I can save one of you by whatever means possible. For the rest of you lovelies, I hope you never get to that breaking point and always know your worth. ❤️ cheers to trying to recover

[Rant/Rave] Something interesting happened today...
Created: Tue May 29 19:13:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4hse/something_interesting_happened_today/
I have a ritual when I “chew and spit” where I’ll prepare whatever it is that I’m consuming and then grab a plastic grocery bag to dispose of the evidence. I live with my dad and we have a container in the kitchen full of plastic bags we’ve collected over the years, we have to at least have hundreds.

So anyway, per usual I prepared my meal to c/s and went to grab a grocery bag so I could complete my ritual. The container was COMPLETELY empty. My dad and sister claim they have no idea where the bags went.

It’s strange. It’s almost like my spirit guides or some divine force intervened. Who knows, maybe I’m just losing it.

Either way, I won’t be chewing and spitting that lovely meal tonight.

[Help] has anyone used polyethylene glycol regularly?
Created: Tue May 29 19:08:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4gef/has_anyone_used_polyethylene_glycol_regularly/
tmi but its the only thing that makes me poop and im wondering if its ok to use multiple times a week

[Discussion] Weird Question, Anyone else get a tingling (?) sensation when they haven't worked out in a while?
Created: Tue May 29 18:55:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4dg0/weird_question_anyone_else_get_a_tingling/
I didn't word that right but I start to feel the flab, especially in my inner thigh, under my butt, and under my arms. I had a nasty eye infection which put me in bed for most of last week and the whole weekend so I haven't worked out in a week. And I started getting these weird bouts of anxiety that were specific to finite areas? Like my legs and arms was anxious or something? And my butt felt like it was lowering and feeling saggy and heavy. I don't know if that makes sense but I pretty much thought I was going insane. I worked out today and I feel much better after but I wanted to know if any of you ever experienced something like that or if I am, in fact, looney bonkers.

I might be going to jail for a little bit.
Created: Tue May 29 18:43:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n4af8/i_might_be_going_to_jail_for_a_little_bit/
I'm being charged for something I didn't do. I've never been in trouble before.

I have no appetite due to my extreme anxiety and frustration.

While I was in holding, the food they served us was the most incredulously disgusting slop I'd ever seen, without exaggeration. They cook with no seasonings and a lot of hatred. I mean, I've eaten McDonald's leftovers out of the kitchen garbage can during a ravenous binge before, but merely thinking of jail food makes my stomach sour.

The only positive side I can see to losing my job, gaining a criminal record, and possibly spending my summer locked inside, is that I would definitely lose a lot of weight. I'm already unintentionally losing weight due to stress as I await trial. :)

Silver linings, people!

[Help] Skin Discoloration
Created: Tue May 29 18:12:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n42w4/skin_discoloration/
Okay so i have no idea if this is ed related or not but i’ve been getting large very subtle patches of skin that turn a more yellow or tan color that is hard to explain. The skin doesn’t feel any different and the patches are not really noticeable. i have noticed that they seem to be in areas with bruising a lot and they are on my whole body especially legs. if anyone knows what this could be i would be interested to know.

[Other] This sucks, but I’m thinking of jumping on the lax train :/
Created: Tue May 29 17:47:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n3wp1/this_sucks_but_im_thinking_of_jumping_on_the_lax/
But not because I want to engage in some hands-free purging...my meds make me hella constipated! 😱

Seriously, I’m so not down to not poop for days on end. I hadn’t taken a shit in 4 days. I did this morning, and wooowww, that was not fun. Hurt like a motherfucker, and it felt like my colon was exorcising a demon. Ughhh, why tf is this happening to me?

Fucking Wellbutrin. I feel like an old person, with my probiotic and poo-aides. And bone health vitamins, fml. Just get my ass a cane and some Bengay, and I’m full-on elderly 😂😂😂

Guess it’s better than not pooping, right?

Psychiatrist an a eating disorder
Created: Tue May 29 17:31:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n3ste/psychiatrist_an_a_eating_disorder/
Sorry if this is wrong or doesn’t belong here, I don’t know where to post it. But my psychiatrist isn’t understanding me or maybe I’m not explaining myself right. I have bipolar depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd an a eating disorder. I stopped taking my meds a few months back because they made me get an appetite and gain weight. I told my psychiatrist this and he prescribed me Zoloft to calm down my ocd with having to go to the gym everyday day and said my eating will come back once the ocd calms down. I told him I was nervous about going back on meds because I didn’t want to gain weight and he pretty much said that’ll go away after I start Zoloft. I told him and my therapist that it wouldn’t work because since I’m so scared of gaining weight, my eating will get worse and my compulsion with having to go to the gym will get worse too. After a coupled weeks on the new medication (Zoloft), I was right. I’ve lost 5/7 lbs from not eating and going to the gym religiously. I saw my psychiatrist again today and he just told me to up the dosages. Am I not explaining something right or does my psychiatrist just suck??

Fasting and I want to die (not going to do it, just ftr) TRIGGER WARNING!
Created: Tue May 29 17:01:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n3l6v/fasting_and_i_want_to_die_not_going_to_do_it_just/
I'm fasting. It's day two, and honestly at this point, though I'm too much of a coward to ever go through with it.. I WANT to die. VERY badly.

Not because of the fast itself, specifically. But because this will never end. I WANT it to end, but it never will.

My entire life is going to be a choice between being miserable with my body, or miserable with what I have to do to NOT be miserable with my body.

Maybe I'll just continue the fast indefinitely. Just, never eat again and let chance decide when I die (I'm obese, so it'll take a while)? Sounds better than either of the alternatives. After another day or two, I know I'll hit that beautiful, freeing moment when the hunger goes away, and I can just exist, free of the prison that is food.

Maybe I really could stay like that forever. Just drink enough zero calorie drinks with citric acid and sodium so I don't die of thirst or my body turning off water absorption and... Waste away.

At least I'd probably die thin.

[Rant/Rave] I just binged
Created: Tue May 29 16:54:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n3jax/i_just_binged/
I just binged after a 24 hour fast and I want to die. I tried to purge but my gag reflex is non existent and i’ve never really been able to do it. I feel so bad about my body and i’ve never cried so much in my life, I just want it to all stop.

[Discussion] apps!!
Created: Tue May 29 16:06:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n36nq/apps/
what are yalls favourite apps for ed related things? besides the MFP app of course. I just got a new phone so I’m looking for new things to download.

also, side note, what are your favourite phone games?

Reaching Out
Created: Tue May 29 16:05:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n3696/reaching_out/
Hi everyone! I made a side account (friends/family know my main) and wanted to get this out there because something happened today that made me decide to reach out. But first, my life story (VERY much shortened, lol)

I grew up a pretty kid. I wasn't very smart or nice, but I was cute and people hung on to me for that reason. Not just pretty, but skinny. I ate whatever I wanted and stayed pencil thin all through my teen years. And so, I started to depend on my looks more than anything else. Everything revolved around how my body looked, how much attention I got, how tiny my waist was.

And then, as my metabolism started to slow down, I got bigger. Not much, but I definitely begrudgingly noticed. A couple of weeks ago, I found the fasting subreddit and thought "Wow, that sounds like a good idea!" So I didn't eat for a day. And it felt so good, it was scary. The thought of my body eating itself was amazing. So I did it another day, and another. Eating got less and less appealing, and as soon as I saw the tiniest change in my stomach, I never wanted to eat again.

My boyfriend was absent for a few weeks and came back today. He asked if I wanted Chinese food for dinner. Chinese food was my absolute favorite, I would always want it all the time and wolf it down like there's no tomorrow. But the thought of eating it just now struck me down. I was so grossly conflicted, I don't want to gain weight again. I wanted to puke at the idea of ruining the hard work I've put in so far. I just started breaking down in front of him, gross crying, nose snot, the whole nine yards.

He was understandably confused, and I said sorry and that I need some time, and could he go buy me cigarettes (They help my hunger a ton)? So now he's gone and I'm trying to calm down. I decided to join this community because I'm certain I'm developing (or already developed) a problem, and thought it would be a good idea to connect with people going through similar feelings.

I'm not really asking for anything, just wanted to tell my little story and get it off my chest. Much love!


Happy Scale app has a “prediction” section that is causing me stress from its unatainability
Created: Tue May 29 15:49:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n31v6/happy_scale_app_has_a_prediction_section_that_is/

Normal fasting or disordered eating in denial?
Created: Tue May 29 15:32:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2x6h/normal_fasting_or_disordered_eating_in_denial/
So I found out about this sub from r/fasting, and I've been wondering whether I'm in denial about developing an eating disorder.

I used to have a very bad obsessive and disordered relationship with food and my body with binge-restrict cycles. I'm in a lot better place now. I don't obsessively count calories, look at thinspo, constantly body check, or hate my body (though I don't exactly love it either). I'm not so black and white about food anymore.

I am still obsessive about food though - like I think about food a lot and my next meal. If there's food around me, I get hyper focused on it. I often feel like I eat too much, though I'm less harsh on myself about it. I focus on trying to eat healthy, but I don't deny myself processed foods if I really want them.

So in some sense, I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with food now.

I still want to lose weight though. I have a normal BMI but I want to get to the lower end of the normal range (18.5-19.5). I've been doing IF + OMAD + fasting. I've convinced myself eating around 600 calories is normal for me because I am short and my TDEE is only ~1300. Recently, I've been full with only that amount (new meds suppressing appetite), and it feels so wrong to eat more if I'm full. I've always felt like I'm someone with an abnormally large appetite that eats too much (and thinks about food too much). Now that my appetite is suppressed, I finally feel like I'm eating closer to the right amount for my size. But then everyone's like "all people need at least 1200-1500 calories a day". .... But my TDEE is only ~1300 and I want to lose weight. So does eating less make my eating disordered? I feel like I have to eat less to lose weight.

On one hand, I feel like I am fine because I don't have particular fear foods, though there are foods I avoid (like oil). I tell myself I'm allowed to eat whatever I want. I try not to punish or shame myself if I eat something unhealthy. I don't fast to compensate or punish myself, though I do want to speed up weight loss.

At the same time, I know my relationship with food is not exactly normal. I think about food rather obsessively. I get triggered easily. I'm constantly comparing how much I eat with others. I get upset & angry (both at myself and others) when I eat the same amount or more than others - I feel like I have to eat less because I'm so short. I can get paranoid about people watching me eat. I sometimes get paranoid about competitions to eat less. When others push food on me, I get angry and feel like I have to eat extra little in order to exert control and not let them "win". It's kind of messed up.

While I know the paranoid & controlling thoughts are messed up, I still feel like eating little and fasting is normal. It's not like I want to look skeletal... Plus why eat more when I'm not hungry for more. Though, sometimes I want to eat less and less as a means of exerting control when I feel like others are trying to control what I eat - not because I want to look skeletal but because I hate feeling controlled and want to undereat as a means of rebelling. Messed up, I know. But at the same time, I'm not trying to starve myself to look pretty enough. I do want to be skinny, but I'm trying not to be extreme about it or fall into the negative self-hating guilt trap which only leads to binges (and I haven't binged in a long time... I credit that to my letting myself eat whatever I want without trying to shame myself).

I don't know. Well, I know my relationship with food is not normal, but I feel like it's fine to fast/eat little because I'm not doing it as punishment or out of guilt or a need to compensate.

me vs. chicken: a saga
Created: Tue May 29 15:22:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2u5e/me_vs_chicken_a_saga/
hi friends,

okay this is a stupid post and I know that. but maybe someone knows something I don't. I've been restricting for awhile, but after getting sick realized I needed way more nutrients in many areas, protein being one of them. I hate eating chicken because I feel like a portion always comes out to more than 100 calories - but I eat it frequently anyway as a large part of my calorie allowance because protein.

the thing is, there seems to be no agreement on how many calories are in chicken. like it's always the same - i buy boneless, skinless chicken breast, and bake it with spices and no oil etc.

then i weigh the amount of chicken i'm about to eat in grams. (for instance, today I had 90 grams.) if I put that into MFP, it tells me 160 calories. google says anywhere from 90-250 calories. how are the calorie counts so varied for something so simple? how many damn calories are in 90 grams of skinless boneless chicken breast? omg. it's driving me nuts. i always pick a value down the middle but I'm tired of having to guess. lol. rant over. fuck chicken.

DAE feel upset when you get your bra size checked?
Created: Tue May 29 15:18:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2t0o/dae_feel_upset_when_you_get_your_bra_size_checked/
For me, it’s the following reasons:

1. I do not want to buy new bras because bras are ridiculously expensive.

2. Boobs are basically sacks of fat on my chest contributing to my weight, so I don’t want to see my cup size increase because it makes me feel like I’m only getting fatter.

3. Skinny friends always say, “but you have boobs” whenever I say that I feel like I’m a fat monster. Well Jan, how do you think they got there?

4. I always expect my bra size to go down whenever I’ve been losing weight. Especially the band size.

5. I have to get shirts that are larger to make room for them when having to get a size L makes me want to hyperventilate

[Rant/Rave] Monthly rant about how much I hate BED
Created: Tue May 29 15:07:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2px0/monthly_rant_about_how_much_i_hate_bed/
I was doing so well.. I reached my first goal weight... people were noticing i'd lost weight. I felt somewhat Confident for the first time in a long time. And then I don't knownw what happened, I don't know what triggered it. I just fucking ate everything. And usually, I stop when I feel very full. I didn't stop this time, I kept going and going even though I felt like I was going to explode. I didn't feel any happiness when binging, nor relief. I felt pure anger and desperation. I continued to binge while tears were running down my face

This repeated 3 times straight. I am experiencing the worst stomach pain I have ever experienced. My skin looks disgusting. I have no energy to do absolutely anything. I don't even want to leave the house.

I am so sick of this. Fuck BED. No one I can speak to understands. I'm just a fat girl who can't stop eating.

I feel like this cycle will never end. I am so sad and I want to go one day in my life where I am not thinking about food. Just one day where I can eat like a normal person and not give a second thought to it. Because I haven't had one of those days in years

[Discussion] Should I go out for dinner or not?
Created: Tue May 29 14:58:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2nit/should_i_go_out_for_dinner_or_not/
I have not had a binge over 1200 calories in 60 days and my partner is begging for a date I just don’t know if I can bring myself to do it

[Other] Not the greatest
Created: Tue May 29 14:53:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2m1x/not_the_greatest/
Can't deal.. I feel huge today and I can't take the pressure of not seeing the number I want to see on the scale. I have to be perfect, and right now I am anything but.

How to eat less around parents?
Created: Tue May 29 14:52:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2lkn/how_to_eat_less_around_parents/
I live in the same house with my parents, and they make it impossible for me to do any meal skipping/restricting. Neither of them knows I have an ED (to my knowledge), but my dad always makes me eat way more than I should whenever we have dinner, and it's always unhealthy food. Whenever I try to say I'm not hungry or I need to skip a meal, they get upset and make me have something anyways. The best I can do is purge, but I really don't want to have to purge every single day. I'm getting around 120 lbs (current goal is 100 or less) and I feel horrible. Does anyone have any tips so I can get them off my back/be able to eat less or nothing around them?

[Discussion] Bad skin?
Created: Tue May 29 14:45:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2jnx/bad_skin/
So I know it's super common to get really gross skin when you're not solid on nutrition, mine is simultaneously greasy and super dry. Idk how it's even possible. Any home remedies or tips for taking care of your skin? I take a multivitamin and attempt to be as hydrated as possible.

Ednos Relapse: An Introduction
Created: Tue May 29 14:43:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2j02/ednos_relapse_an_introduction/
Despite my username, I am not a skinny girl. I just made this throwaway so I could post here, introduce myself and hold myself accountable.

I reached my lowest weight (103) in my sophomore year of high school mainly by going on multiple-day fasts and eating one high-calorie meal-a-day when not fasting.

I never underwent any treatment but my weight has shot up almost to my HW three years later (today). I've managed to lose about five pounds so far. This time, I'm going to try restricting. I think the fact that I never managed to restrict my calories is why I put the weight back on in the first place.

My kitchen is stocked with some low-cal foods I actually like, and I've been able to resist the siren song of junk food and soda to moderate success. It's difficult to fast/restrict since I've spent most of my time not working at home since I've graduated, but I'm going to try to occupy that free-time with homework at the library. I've also started EC stacking.

I'm not sure where to put this in my flair but my UGW is 95...

[Discussion] Shark Week snacks 🤔
Created: Tue May 29 14:33:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2g38/shark_week_snacks/
Ladies, it’s that time of month and the cravings are freakin’ intense this time around. I have a few safe foods I stick to when it’s that time of month, but I wanted to see if you guys had any better options.

I’m heading to the store soon and wanted to try out some new things besides my usual Power Crunch bars, Lenny and Larry’s Double Chocolate and 100 calorie kettle corn. L&L make me bloat like crazy, but it’s such a good chocolate fix. 😭

What are you favorite sweet or salty snacks during that time of the month?

I can't stop eating my emotions.
Created: Tue May 29 14:14:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n2afq/i_cant_stop_eating_my_emotions/
So, today sucked. Really bad. Things at work are very hectic and disorganized right now and just extremely overwhelming. Getting different instructions from different people, so on, and I ended up having a pretty major panic attack and having to leave halfway thru my shift.

And I did what I always do when I'm upset... I turn to food for comfort. Came home and ordered a shit ton of food from McDonald's, a horrifying amount, scarfed it all down and now I feel a different kind of terrible.

I feel so hopeless, I don't know what to do. I get upset and I eat, I seek comfort from food. But then I eat... and eat... and eat and then I feel even worse.

[Intro] I’m baaaaack
Created: Tue May 29 14:03:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n272b/im_baaaaack/
I don’t know if any of you remember me, but hello again!

I’m mild, I’m one of the mods of this subreddit from back in the day and I’m officially back to stay for now!

Recovery hasn’t gone too well, and I’m at my heaviest weight in a year, which isn’t something I’m comfortable with.

But I’m excited to be back, this has always been such a cool community so hello 👋🏻

I don’t feel hungry
Created: Tue May 29 13:27:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n1w9m/i_dont_feel_hungry/
I’ve been restricting for two weeks between 850-1200 calories. Most days I eat around 900. I eat whole food Keto—chicken and kale mostly. I use local grass fed butter and locally processed olive oil and pink sea salt to flavor everything. I drink about a liter of lemon and mineral water a day. I walk 30 min at least 4 times a week, do HIIT on the elliptical twice a week and lift weights for each body section twice each week.
I am 5’6 and 166 pounds.
I feel amazing and not hungry, but I have a medium/large frame and my bones are already starting to stick out (the weights some women are at seem impossible to me). I was dizzy at first but now I feel really good.
Is this normal? Is the high fat keeping me full? I cook and Measure every single morsel that passes my lips so I know what the calories are.

TW: Overwhelmed and want to die
Created: Tue May 29 13:25:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n1vry/tw_overwhelmed_and_want_to_die/
I’m currently on the train to work and I have such an extreme urge to get get off at the next stop and just jump in front of incoming traffic.

I’ve been on antidepressants for about 4 months, and They worked for a bit, but now it’s like I just crashed and feel really depressed and suicidal. This has happened with me and other antidepressants in the past few years, which was why I was hellbent on taking these after a 5 year hiatus.

I don’t know if it’s the medication or what, but I feel so overwhelmed right now I could cry.

[Tip] Apple / pineapple mono diet results
Created: Tue May 29 13:04:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n1pos/apple_pineapple_mono_diet_results/
Not sure anyone cares about the dumbest diet ever, but I tried out the apple mono diet this weekend. I got complacent this month and gained back some weight so fuck that? But I can't fast, I can't work while fasting. Or stand really, drive, be human. So I tried apple mono. Wanted to do 4-5 days? Broke third evening, bah. Starting again today.

Here are the results:

Day 1: Two boxes of chopped pineapple, two grapefruit - am: 130.3 - pm: 129.6
Day 2: Two apples three applesauce 2 apples 1 grapefruit dulcolax - am: 127.6 - pm:126.2
Day 3: two apples, third apple, one enchilada, broccoli , 1 grapefruit- am:125.6
End(today): 127.4lbs

Yup, I did terribly at being actually "mono" but I'm also fighting possibly a new bout of pancreatitis from eating keto(and sometimes almond mono) for the last five months SO it as a relief to eat medium carb no fat foods for several days. Going to try and stay on this apple/pineapple/grapefruit routine, and get to under 120.

Gaining weight on 1200cals??
Created: Tue May 29 13:04:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n1plr/gaining_weight_on_1200cals/
How the fuck is it possible for me to gain weight on eating what's supposedly less than my BMR for one single week?!

I visited a friend in Paris and I counted every single thing I ate and drank, I made myself look like a completely fucked up neurotic idiot in front of her by using a food scale for every tiny thing that went into my body. I made sure to eat no more than 1200 calories, fasted until the afternoon/evening almost every day and in addition to all that I was walking around pretty much all day! How the fuck is it possible that I gained a kg? It's not just water weight either, I haven't gotten back to the weight I was before the trip in three days, water weight doesn't stick that long, right? And it's not food weight because, TMI but, ya girl has diarrhea, so I should be pretty emptied out by now.

I was already freaking out when I ate 1200 and maintained for a week last month, now I'm fucking gaining? I used to LOSE when eating 1200. I thought starvation mode was a myth. Yet here we fucking are. Sorry for this boring stupid rant, but I am just so frustrated and I don't know what to do. Fuck.

[Rant/Rave] Guess my boyfriend thinks I don’t deserve to eat either.
Created: Tue May 29 12:59:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n1o9r/guess_my_boyfriend_thinks_i_dont_deserve_to_eat/
I am having the worst day. I have to vent right now. I may be over reacting but right now this seems like the end of the world. I’ll probably look back at this and think I’m stupid but whatever.

I decided to go grab lunch for my boyfriend and I and take it to his work before I run to the grocery store. I never go to the store hungry or I go over my budget and buy things we don’t need. We are on a REALLY tight budget right now but I am able to leave about $20 aside for us to eat out once a week, which is usually my grocery day when I take him lunch.

I just got food for the two of us, and I don’t know what happened but I was talking...and when I was done I was going to eat. All of the food was gone. He ate his meal and mine, I guess he assumed it was all for him...I don’t know. I got him a sandwich and fries, and myself a grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo, just veggies.
I couldn’t even say anything. I just keep crying. I specifically planned for this. I had my day planned around it, my budget planned...

I just don’t understand. Why is my brain like this.

[Rant/Rave] I bought scales again
Created: Tue May 29 12:53:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n1mim/i_bought_scales_again/
I need to update my flair because I'm 122 now not 120. I'm not going to tell my girlfriend I've bought them, I'm not sure I want to recover anymore. I've had a really rough few days, I was raped just over 5 years ago and I've been waking up feeling his hands on my back and sides and pressed against my girlfriends wall so my self esteem is already rock bottom because I feel so ashamed of it happening, I feel dirty despite the fact I showered this morning. In addition I've eaten a lot today, a sandwich, pack of crisps, two slices of toast, a bowl of corn flakes \(my friends say that my bowl is 'small' but I don't believe them\), a cocktail sausage, 3/4 of a rolo bar, a magnum ice cream a small sausage roll and some cheddar crackers, despite the fact I played rounders for a while, walked up a kinda steep incline twice and walked to where we were having the picnic \(only 5 mins each way\) I feel like I can't justify eating so much. I feel huge and my stomach is making my cute blouse bulge out. I feel so unattractive and I don't wanna ask my girlfriend to compliment me cause she's not huge on giving them but I also really wanna hear that she finds me attractive but I feel so manipulative. I feel like if I lose weight I'll feel pretty, I don't want to see a bulge anymore when I look down at my stomach, I want my thigh gap back. I wanna be told that I'm attractive.

I'm sorry guys

[Help] Anyone know how to change the setting on MFP?
Created: Tue May 29 12:52:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n1m4p/anyone_know_how_to_change_the_setting_on_mfp/
So you know how MFP (my fitness pal) had the thing where at the end of everyday it’d tell you what weight you’d be at in 5 weeks if you kept eating how you were? How do you get that feature back if at all possible? It helped me a lot and kept me going steady towards my goals. Thanks for any info possible!

UM this is so good wtf. strawberry flavour is also so good
Created: Tue May 29 12:07:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n193v/um_this_is_so_good_wtf_strawberry_flavour_is_also/

[Other] I made a MeWe group for us if anyone is interested, where you can talk in a group chat and make ED jokes all day :)
Created: Tue May 29 11:54:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n15c3/i_made_a_mewe_group_for_us_if_anyone_is/

[Other] r/1200isplenty still being in denial
Created: Tue May 29 11:52:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n14mm/r1200isplenty_still_being_in_denial/

Created: Tue May 29 11:46:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n12xu/obsessed/

walking encyclopedia for calories
Created: Tue May 29 11:34:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0zbf/walking_encyclopedia_for_calories/
Funny in a fucked up way, but two years of an ED later and I can tell you the calorie count in pretty much everything. Fun party trick!

Writing my weight on my hand
Created: Tue May 29 11:24:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0wiv/writing_my_weight_on_my_hand/
When I was a little baby Ana, oh so many years ago (because I'm an old decrepit 30 year old now), I used to wear a red bracelet as a reminder of my goals and not to eat. I was also in a very different life situation back then, so those simple color cues worked and I lived blissfully in the land of the barely alive.

Life is crazier now in different ways. I'm not in one long manic starvation period. I have children. I'm not teaching until autumn. Life is full of temptation. I mean, I know I'm not objectively fat, but this is the heaviest I've ever been and I still feel like using a carving knife on myself.

Ehh, anyway. I'm ten pounds away from being underweight. I need to get back there. Particularly, I want to get back there before I go back to visit family in LA in mid June. New solution to the red bracelet:

I've started writing my weight on my hand in red ink. Everyday. It's a visceral reminder of how disgusting I am. Ten pounds in twenty days. Number on my hand everyday.

I can do this.

[Academic Study] Ethnicity, Body Image, and Health Behaviors (18-25 year olds living in the United States)
Created: Tue May 29 11:23:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0w4v/academic_study_ethnicity_body_image_and_health/

Trying to recover made me fat
Created: Tue May 29 11:14:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0tsf/trying_to_recover_made_me_fat/
I binge purge occasionally. I got told over and over how bad purging is. So I stopped. No one seems to care if you still binge though.

I've gained 30+ lbs in the last 6 months- year.

Fuck this. Idk what to do anymore.

Every time these boys talks to me about calories I just want to laugh in their face.
Created: Tue May 29 10:57:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0omi/every_time_these_boys_talks_to_me_about_calories/
I swear to God I know like 6 guys who do NOT count calories but insist they burn 4500 to 8000 calories a day. Average sized guys who work out on occasion but are in no way running triathlons every 3 days. Literal morons. I don't care enough to try and tell them differently which will NO DOUBT give me at least 30 minutes of there self assured argument on what their average pudgy bodies need to sustain their lifestyle of playing video games all day. Why do some guys just pull a huge number out of their ass and insist that it's their BMR?? Literally they don't even count calories why do they think that theyre a scientific anomaly who needs to eat a much as 4 people.

[Rant/Rave] I just want to lose 10 lbs
Created: Tue May 29 10:40:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0jvo/i_just_want_to_lose_10_lbs/
I am fairly happy w my body but when I eat anything I feel disgusting. So if I lose just a lil more it will compensate for that...
I am 105 and have been for 5 months. If I could just lose 5 or 10lbs that would be my goal weight and then I could feel good about maintaining.

But half the time I can rationalize that 105 is not overweight and any normal person would be ok with that weight and so I give in to urges to eat. Then I feel fucking huge and have to fast for 2-3 days to feel good about myself.

The worst part is it would be sooo easy if I just counted my cals or ate fucking healthy but I like to starve and eat junk. Fml

And I’m 5’1 so 105 isn’t even that small

I'm 5'5 not 5'6
Created: Tue May 29 10:35:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0ihr/im_55_not_56/
I measured myself last summer (I actually got a bunch of kids to help me no-shame-lol) and I was pretty sure I was 67.75cm which put me closer to 68cm (5'6)

BUT NOW I'm thinking those kids were KIDS and didn't MEASURE PROPERLY because I measured myself last night /twice/ and N O P E, I'm 166.25 cm. I'm 5'5. I thought my BMI was 18, but no, it's 19.1 now. It's always been 19.1

I'M DYING - I have to throw away every weight tracking chart I've ever made because the BMIs are all off now. My UGW was 109 bc it safely put me under 18 and I've thought this for y e a r s
So now.. I feel all kinds of fucked up. IDK if I even can lower that weight to something like 105, or if it's even reasonable to do so because now I have huge dysmorphia due to the fact that I am SQUATTER THAN I THOUGHT - it's already so hard to get below 110 in my current environment which I hoped to acheive before August...

fuckingkmsomgfuckkk this is 100% rant material. Wah. WAH. I always thought it was w/e I didn't pursue modelling bc I wasn't 5'7 and that's why it was hard but I am so out of the height league it's so shocking.

[Discussion] dae feel like they're never hungry anymore ?
Created: Tue May 29 10:34:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0hzl/dae_feel_like_theyre_never_hungry_anymore/
this is hard to articulate bc i've never been able to find someone who relates but now I've found my people ...

does anyone else feel like they're never truly hungry and they will eat just to satisfy their greed/they want to eat junk ?

i don't find it 'difficult' to fast but if i know i can spare the calories, i will have a kit kat just bc it's 100kcal of deliciousness and i only eat at dinner so my parents don't get suspicious and i just poke around at the food

is this a super obvious thing that i've given a lot of weight (lol) to in my head ?

First Time Posting
Created: Tue May 29 10:18:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0dj2/first_time_posting/
Hello, I've never posted in this sub, and I don't know if this would really belong here or not (and consequently which flair I should use, so I apologize, I've placed it under Rant/Rave because that seemed the most appropriate). I've read the rules, so I don't think I'm violating any of them, sorry if I misunderstood something.

I don't think I would say I have an ED, but I do have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food. I feel like it would most likely be related to binging though. I'm not seeking advice or anything, just kind of speaking my mind in a way I don't feel like I can to anyone else.

I LOVE bad food (fast food, breads, chips, etc). And I eat it all the time. I'm overweight, but not as much as you'd think I'd be with my previous statement. I'm too fat for lippo though. I've been looking into all of the weight loss tools, lying to myself saying I know "it's just a tool, it's not the magical solution". I'm looking for "the magical solution" so that I can keep being a binge machine. I despise my tummy fat and wiggling arms; everything else, I'm fine with.

I love and hate exercise. I know that it works; it makes me feel better, and, if I can stick with it, it does produce results. I'm scared of my breast size going down though. I fee like I'm nothing without my boobs.

I'm sorry, I know this is all over the place. Thanks for listening.

TAN or PALE???
Created: Tue May 29 10:17:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0d33/tan_or_pale/
Which do you prefer?? I’m a tanorexic because I feel like a deep tan makes you look smaller, but pale skin makes you look sicker I think. Also I know not everyone can change their skin tone!! All tones are gorgeous ♥️

Stuff your parents did that messed up your relationship with food/your body image
Created: Tue May 29 10:09:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0avg/stuff_your_parents_did_that_messed_up_your/
I was reminded by this thanks to the "Foods that will be the death of you" thread, where I mentioned that cereal is my /#1 binge food because when I was a child my mum wouldn't buy it because she feared it'd make us kids fat. My parents were and still are both overweight (my mum was always like BMI 27, while my father has always been either slightly obese or slightly under the cutoff of BMI 30. As you may already see, they have always been *very* open about their weighs), but they tried their best to make sure me and my brother wouldn't get fat, it's just that they went a bit wrong with it.

Another thing was that because of my dad's issues with blood sugar, there wouldn't be candy, pastries, puddings or other good snacks like that in the house often, and on the rare occasion there was something good in the house, I'd basically have to compete my brother for it. This shows even today when I live alone in that if there's anything sugary I have to eat it all at once. Like one time I bought custard to eat with fruit and thought it's last me for several days, but the entire night after buying it I tossed and turned in my bed, thinking about the custard like a maniac and when the alarm woke me up in the morning, I went straight to the cupboard and drank the entire fucking carton of custard.

My dad has never really tried to lose weight, but my mum has gone through every diet from shakes to straight up fasting. Her favourite has always been the cabbage soup diet, and she's done it regularly for as long as I can remember: she's lose like 5-10 kilos in a short amount of time and rave about it, go back to her old habits, gain back the weight, do the cabbage soup diet again, lose weight, gain it back etc ad. Following her model I learned how to lose massive amounts of weight (I now know that 99% of it is water) in short amount of time with questionable methods, but I have no idea how to maintain a healthy weight.

My parents were also adamant that I'd need at least one sporty hobby, so I played soccer which I despised since I was slow and clumsy, I'd much rather spend my time skiing or hiking. Thanks to this I hated sports for a really long time, until in my early 20s I discovered biking and trail running, and found out that it's ok for me to do exercise on my own, at my own pace, without someone yelling at me to go faster.

Too many hours in the day
Created: Tue May 29 10:00:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n08bd/too_many_hours_in_the_day/
I ate 650 calories before noon :/ I woke up so incredibly hungry and EC stacked to try to compensate, but obviously my hunger won out.

I was already feeling like shit too because I weighed in at 140. I drank last night and my one meal was a home cooked dinner that I estimate was ~600 calories, giving me a 1,000 cal total for the day, so I'm confident it's water retention, still sucks either way.

In theory, I know I could just not eat the rest of the day but it's only NOON. This is why I try not to eat before 2pm, because now there just seems like sooo much time left in my day :/

[Discussion] If you are someone who suffers from BED has your disorder ever caused you any permanent gastrointestinal problems?
Created: Tue May 29 09:52:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0612/if_you_are_someone_who_suffers_from_bed_has_your/
It has caused some severe ones for me and I’d be curious to hear if others have had similar issues.

Food Diary Day 3
Created: Tue May 29 09:51:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n05tm/food_diary_day_3/
Ugh y’all I’m writing so late! It’s almost lunch time already! I got to work and haven’t had a chance to sit and write this out. But the good news is work has been super physical. I typically have a desk job but my heart rate has been in the fat burn zone for like 2 hours and I’ve burn 1145.

Now onto the food. I had a bagel with cream cheese again today so 300. For lunch I’m having some leftover cauliflower fried rice and a grilled chicken thigh. So about 250. And good news I remembered my rice cakes today so I’ll probably have one of those too!

Created: Tue May 29 09:42:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n03aa/ninetynine/
Sometimes memories from my childhood spring up to me and remind me why I'm restricting, fasting, and doing all this to myself. This particular memory happened about 3 years ago and it haunts me to this day, so I'm going to share it here as restriction fuel.

Our school was doing a survey on obesity and the Stundents were all getting weighed and measured, class by class. I was in class with my best friend and she got weighed before me. She was pretty thin, and underweight at a BMI of about 17.

I was the last one on the list, and measured at a whopping 99 kilos, like more than 200 pounds I'd guess for my American friends. I got out of the weighing room ashamed and all my classmates, including a couple of people who bullied me, we're sitting huddled on a couple of stairs, my best friend near them. I sat next to her and she asked me how much I weighed, and I told her the truth.

I remember her reaction as clear as I don't know what. She opened her mouth, covered it with her hand, began to laugh and exclaimed "Ninety-Nine?? Wow!" In this sort of amused, sick disgust and disbelief. "That's double what I weigh!" She said. Everyone looked up in surprise. My other friend hushed her and told her it was really rude of her, but my best friend is naturally very unaware and naive.

God, I'm suddenly glad I threw up everything I ate yesterday. Maybe one day I won't disgust people.

[Discussion] Anyone else want to cover up more, the less you weigh?
Created: Tue May 29 09:38:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8n0225/anyone_else_want_to_cover_up_more_the_less_you/
I am down nearly 20 pounds from this January. I was so excited to lose the weight so that I could feel more confident in cute clothes... I dreamed of finally wearing the straps little tank tops and short shorts in the back of my closet, buying crop tops etc... now that I am approaching my initial goal weight, I try any of this on and don’t know whether to laugh or cry. My arms. My fat fucking pork chop arms. My stretch marked boobs from gaining all that weight. Visible veins. Muffin top. Nasty, dimpled thighs. I look like a sad little troll playing dress up. And even worse, I am so fucking HUMILIATED that I wore this shit when I was heavier and oblivious to what a fat pig I am. Sigh. Kill me now... and bury me in an oversized shirt and sweats plz and thanks.

[Tip] Tips?
Created: Tue May 29 09:15:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzvmv/tips/
Some of mine are

-eat on small plates or bowls

-drink water before eating

-don't prepare another bite on your fork/spoon while still chewing

-take sips between bites

-chew slowly

[Rant/Rave] "A twig of a girl"
Created: Tue May 29 09:09:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mztyw/a_twig_of_a_girl/
The tattoo artist today referred to a past client as "a twig of a girl like yourself" while we were tattoos and weight gain/distortion.
I've been floating on cloud nine ever since! Me! A twig! Made my day so it did 😊

What food will be the death of you?
Created: Tue May 29 08:53:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzpcq/what_food_will_be_the_death_of_you/
I mean, what is your *ultimate* binge food? That you can eat all day every day if you could? Or that you *do* eat all day every day, not judging.

[Tip] Tips
Created: Tue May 29 08:46:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mznf7/tips/
Mine would be

-not preparing another fork/spoonful of food while chewing

-drinking water before a meal

-taking sips in between bites of food

Didn't realize most people don't have a clue about basic nutritional information
Created: Tue May 29 08:41:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzm59/didnt_realize_most_people_dont_have_a_clue_about/
Yesterday was memorial day so cue the fam and friends get togethers and obviously masses of not super healthy food. For some reason our conversation went to losing weight and healthy eating (no one knows about my Ed so I didn't bring this topic up). Anyways, I was just shocked at the ignorance of the majority of the people there! For example, thinking that eating fruit will make you fat but masses of rice, beans, and other carbs are fine?! And that on average, regular sized people burn between 3000-4000 cal a day?!?!?! And playing one hour of medium intensity racketball (similar to a less intense version of tennis), burns 1500 cal? I honestly wanted to scream bc I didn't even know what to say. Basically just kept my mouth shut and nodded along since there was just so much wrong. Sigh. Sorry for the rant. Just needed to get it off my chest. (On mobile so please flair as rant/discussion, thank you!) 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Giving myself a make-over
Created: Tue May 29 08:32:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzjq4/giving_myself_a_makeover/
Hi! This is a new account bc someone found my old one loool good times.

ANYWAY, I thought you ladies could help me. Through my years of various eating disorders, I lost all sense of self-esteem, self-respect, and self-care. I still have 30 pounds to lose before I'm happy with my size, but I'm tired of putting the rest of my life on pause, and want to learn how to take care of myself. There are definitely other ways to be and feel prettier besides weight loss, so what are your guys tips? I'm definitely a beginner and usually feel silly and lost with this kind of stuff; so please, any and all suggestions are welcome! THANK YOU xxxx

[Discussion] Does anyone feel like they’re ‘smarter’ than other people with EDs because you’re doing it just to lose weight faster, not because you hate yourself or any ‘typical’ reason?
Created: Tue May 29 08:31:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzj9r/does_anyone_feel_like_theyre_smarter_than_other/
I hope the title doesn’t sound judgy!!! I know it’s a bad thing to say, and I’m not proud of it. Sometimes I just feel like I’m ‘above’ some other people with EDs because I don’t do it to punish myself, I don’t think I’m hideous, etc. I just did the math, and I’ll lose weight faster on 400 cal a day than I would at 1200, so that’s why I do it. At worst, I just get frustrated at myself when I eat too much, but I don’t really spiral or anything.

Then again, maybe that’s all bullshit and I’m just being blind to why I really do it? And I’m actually dumber than everyone because I can’t even acknowledge the true reasons why I’m doing this to myself? I don’t know. But I’m really curious to hear what you guys have to say about this!! 💕

Created: Tue May 29 08:17:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzfqg/plateau/
I've been shedding weight like crazy by eating next to nothing and working out like crazy, but for the last few days I've been stuck around the same weight. This is really frustrating and makes me want to binge. Should I eat normally for a day to boost my metabolism or what? I dont even know if I could make myself eat normally. Would a fast work better?

[Discussion] Triggering TV + Movies??
Created: Tue May 29 08:16:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzfij/triggering_tv_movies/
I’m wanting more triggering stuff to watch! It doesn’t need to be an ED show, I get triggered by things like the Bachelorette and anything with Blake lively in it lol. I just want to know other people’s favorites!

How many calories does everyone aim to eat?
Created: Tue May 29 08:15:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzf1e/how_many_calories_does_everyone_aim_to_eat/
I have been eating around 800 calories for the past 4 weeks and have recently hit a brick wall. My scale goes up or down only 0.5 lb.

I am curious as to how many calories everyone else eats in a day?

Anyone in this community want to share their experiences with c/s if they’ve had any?
Created: Tue May 29 08:09:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mzdp8/anyone_in_this_community_want_to_share_their/
Please and thank you 🙏

Unlocked the secret to restriction!! (Spoiler, it's the dentist)
Created: Tue May 29 07:04:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8myxbv/unlocked_the_secret_to_restriction_spoiler_its/
So, it took me ages to work up the courage to go to the dentist because of all the bingeing and purging. I was convinced they were going to spring men in white coats on me and drag me away. But no, they were very sweet and reassuring about my dental hygiene and never mentioned anything about it. Hallelujah. But then...
I got several cavities filled and ever since I get pain on one side of my mouth when I chew. First I thought, NBD, it will go away with time. Except it hasn't. My bite is mega fucked up, I think one of my front teeth is going crooked, and if I put any pressure at all on the right side of my mouth it sends shooting pain straight up into my brain. And when I do eat, half the time my mouth and face throb so badly for the following ten-fifteen minutes that I have contemplated pulling out teeth with pliers.
I've already been back once for them to adjust it but it didn't help and I can't just keep throwing money and time away from work at this for it to not be resolved. I just want to find a hole and bury myself in it. Fuck this garbage.
On a positive note it is really good at curbing hunger when eating becomes associated with horrific pain. 🙃

[Other] MY RENT IS PAID (not ed related, technically)
Created: Tue May 29 06:47:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mytem/my_rent_is_paid_not_ed_related_technically/
For those following along at home, I had to pay my rent by 8 AM to avoid eviction, and had literally nothing to give the landlord.

I managed to get a loan, at 7:47 this morning.

The rent is paid.

I had a tiny bit left over to apply toward my wildly overdue utilities, and a friend in here helped me get my kids McDonald's breakfast!!!!

This is the best day I've had in a long while.

[Tip] Eat This Much App
Created: Tue May 29 06:35:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8myqip/eat_this_much_app/
Omg you guys. I can’t even. I found this app yesterday that literally makes your meal plan for you. I put dinner and a snack for 800 calories with my macros and it gave me the exact recipe that fits into everything.
I’m not advertising it but I just wanted to share with everyone who has a lot of stress in calculating calories, macros and meal plans!

[Sticky] Thinspo Tuesday May 29, 2018
Created: Tue May 29 06:10:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8myl7x/thinspo_tuesday_may_29_2018/
Eating disorders are real, complex, and devastating conditions that can have serious consequences for physical health. Use this thread to post pictures of anything that inspires or you find to be something "motivating".

**Please note that we are not using this post to glorify or glamorize eating disorders. Anything that is not clearly from a professional photo shoot or is "bonespo" (extremely thin to the point of being skeletal) will be removed.** Selfies, bodychecks, or OOTD posts will also be removed as they belong in the Friday sticky thread.


Thinspo threads are posted every Tuesday.

Have any questions or concerns? Looking for self-care and beauty tips? Comment below, or [PM the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED) and feel free to take your self-care/beauty needs to the "Stupid Questions Saturday" weekly thread!

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 29, 2018
Created: Tue May 29 06:10:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8myl6u/daily_food_diary_may_29_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 29, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Other] How long does it take between consuming a surplus amount of calories and fat showing up on your body?
Created: Tue May 29 05:23:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mybuu/how_long_does_it_take_between_consuming_a_surplus/
I’m literally just wondering this out of curiosity

But yeah, let’s say for example, you consumed 9000 calories in one sitting - assuming your hadn’t eaten anything else that day - and your TDEE was 2000, so your calorie surplus was 7000. How long would it take in terms of hours (or whatever the most appropriate unit of time for this is) between ingesting that and the additional 2lbs of fat showing up on your body somewhere?

[Rant/Rave] OMAD (one meal a day)... I love you.
Created: Tue May 29 04:47:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8my50f/omad_one_meal_a_day_i_love_you/
OMAD, you are the only thing that has stopped me binging. I can't negotiate with myself like I do when restricting, I can't take one bite that leads to another 10, because it's not the plan- one meal a day, in the evening. I can feel good about myself not eating all day, and then come 5pm eat whatever I want for my meal. I can eat an 800 calorie pizza, or a burger if I really want to and still stay within my calorie limit, and I don't feel tempted to eat during the day because I know I have a good meal to look forward to. Thanks for everything, OMAD. Including the 25lbs I lost doing you this month (I am a whale tho, so I would say it will be that successful for everyone.)

[Discussion] Favourite ways to take coffee?
Created: Tue May 29 03:22:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mxq1a/favourite_ways_to_take_coffee/
What are some of y'all favourite ways to take coffee?

Mine's either cold brew or Japanese iced coffee, since I live somewhere that's hot af all year round.

Another way I like to make take coffee is by freezing them into fudgesicle (double strength coffee + nonfat yogurt + some milk to thin it out + sweeteners, if you like).

[Discussion] Guys, how often do y'all poop?
Created: Tue May 29 03:21:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mxpvh/guys_how_often_do_yall_poop/
I'm freaking out, dudes. I haven't pooped in 3 days and I'm used to having a daily bowel movement, even when I used to restrict. I'm having about <800 a day but nothing. Guys, help? What do I do? Is this normal?

[Rant/Rave] I just binged on milk and cookies at work.
Created: Tue May 29 03:01:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mxmkb/i_just_binged_on_milk_and_cookies_at_work/
I'm lactose intolerant. I have to go home in an hour. On my kick scooter.

wtf have i just done

UPDATE: i made it home on a scooter propelled by farts and fear
and now i poop

[Other] If you were to buy one thing to help lose weight what would it be?
Created: Tue May 29 02:36:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mxink/if_you_were_to_buy_one_thing_to_help_lose_weight/
So im down right near my lowest weight. All my smallest clothes are way way too big (like bunched up like a bag at the waist)...but im still trying lose just a few more pounds and im about to get a huge bonus at work so i want to treat myself with something to help me lose more weight.

My thoughts are:

New running shoes


A case of monster ultra zero

....what would yall suggest, any ideas outside of these are welcome too

[Rant/Rave] Last night on a date: weight came up.
Created: Tue May 29 01:46:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mxb13/last_night_on_a_date_weight_came_up/
We were talking about our "worst experiences" and I told him one and he said "wtf why did you sleep with him???" (Laughing at my hypocrisy because I'd been doing the same to him) and I made a jokey comment about being fatter back then and took what I could get, to which he says "aha so you were fat, then anorexic and now you found a nice medium?"

I laughed it off and this guy is very blunt with how he talks about women and appearances in general (English isn't his first language/ culture) but damn I miss how people used to say "wow really?! But you're so skinny!"

More reasons to diet diet diet.

[Discussion] Those days where you can’t stop eating
Created: Tue May 29 00:52:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mx1fl/those_days_where_you_cant_stop_eating/
Why does this happen :/

Today I cooked my boyfriends lunches for the next few days, which includes a lot of taste testing since I don’t really follow recipes, so I resigned myself to having a high calorie count for the day, but now I’ve eaten a bowl of the chili con carne I made him, a protein ball, baked beans on toast, sausages, like 4? sour icy poles, a million cups of tea and coffee, and so much Coke Zero I can barely move. AND now I’m snacking on a blueberry clif bar because why tf not

I feel like I’m ruining so much progress but I feel so emptyyyyyy :(

Anyone else having one of those days today?

[Rant/Rave] It's on my mind 24/7
Created: Tue May 29 00:41:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mwzgq/its_on_my_mind_247/
Already sent out a post once but just gonna rant here , fuck eating disorders. Fuck everything about them, fuck how they make you feel and what they make you do. I don't wanna deal with shit like this everyday to the point where it makes me panic and physically makes me sick. It's insane how stupid my brain gets about food, weight, and my body. Nothing about how I view it is normal. It's in my mind 24/7 if I'm not distracted enough.

I'm so scared about not being normal enough.

[Help] DAE know they have an eating disorder but keep thinking they're lying to themselves?
Created: Tue May 29 00:33:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mwy14/dae_know_they_have_an_eating_disorder_but_keep/
Lately I've been thinking that I know I have an issue with eating. It's disordered eating but my brain keeps making me think I'm lying to myself and I'm doing this for attention. That way of thinking is stressing me out intensely and I'm getting intrusive and unwanted thoughts. I panic a lot more when I think about it. I honestly get a dip in my stomach, heart is racing , and I feel nauseous as hell. Has any one else felt this way? I want to get rid of this feeling and these thoughts.

[Rant/Rave] when the ex of guy you're talking to is gorgeous
Created: Mon May 28 23:53:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mwqpm/when_the_ex_of_guy_youre_talking_to_is_gorgeous/

[Rant/Rave] blue lipstick
Created: Mon May 28 23:43:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mwovr/blue_lipstick/
1. gives me a logical explanation for why strangers are judging/staring at me
2. makes me look more dead than usual (already most of my #aesthetic)
3. makes me look less approachable. I am not approachable!!! go the fuck away!

Do y’all have any accessories/makeup/items (thinking less about the normal outfits, food, drink) that you strongly associate with your ED behaviors?

Sure I restrict, but I can't keep myself from eating like garbage
Created: Mon May 28 23:43:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mwots/sure_i_restrict_but_i_cant_keep_myself_from/
Heads up, it's a rant.

My diet is almost purely junk food. Add in some broccoli here and maybe an apple there. I've come out of a really intense and uncontrollable binge eating cycle, but now find myself eating no more then 1,000 ish a day. It just might be off grilled cheese and dino shaped chicken nuggets. And I feel bad because I'm encouraging my partner to eat healthy after they complained about body aches, and how it's getting harder to move because of weight gain. I make salads and home cooked dinner and I always keep favorite fruits and veggies in the house. But me? Sitting in the corner with 12 cheez-itz and a fudge bar.

A sad and confusing life it is to live.

What are your favourite safe foods?
Created: Mon May 28 22:57:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mwg7z/what_are_your_favourite_safe_foods/
green apples and continental cup soup are what keeps me alive lol

[Help] “You not eating anything?”
Created: Mon May 28 22:34:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mwbs9/you_not_eating_anything/
Anyone else find it hard to fast or restrict at lunchtime in work? I really wanted to fast this week, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get away with it because I have a new, lovely, honest to goodness so sweet friend at work who always makes sure I’m eating, which is so kind. I wanna spend lunch with her (we get to choose when we go), but not being able to fast is getting tricky, and it’s frustrating the crap outta me. Any ideas or similar problems from any of you guys? Wasn’t sure whether to flair this as Help or a Rave; feel free to rant away!

So I was scrolling through a thread about a cute picture of a kid baking with her mother in an attempt to feel less shitty...
Created: Mon May 28 21:41:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mw0jp/so_i_was_scrolling_through_a_thread_about_a_cute/
And one of the comments was that baking cookies with your normal-sized daughter is setting her up for obesity and that taking the time to bake with your fucking child is an example of negligent parenting. I would just roll my eyes if I didn't have an ED but no, apparently I'd rather use a dumb comment as confirmation bias that my disordered thinking is echoed by everyone else, and feel disgusted with myself for wishing I had someone who'd deliberately include me in things I'm not good at out of love because that somehow means I still have the mentality of an overweight person. Gotta love me and my legendary hypersensitivity.

[Rant/Rave] I gave up on my ED, now I'm so angry at myself a.k.a hello again my dear friends...
Created: Mon May 28 21:37:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mvzoy/i_gave_up_on_my_ed_now_im_so_angry_at_myself_aka/
I got this weird virus about 3 weeks ago. I had a ridiculous headache, no appetite, nausea for day and I was just generally tired. I ended up in hospital and while the doctors poked and prodded I told myself that my ED was ridiculous.

Even though I had reached my 2nd GW of 75kg due to not eating for 2 weeks it just wasn't worth it. I didn't want to end up in hospital. I didn't want to be stuck in hospital.

So naturally when my appetite came back I was ravenous. I figured I could afford to eat whatever since I hadn't eaten a full meal in so long. The day I was in hospital the managed to eat a slice of toast all day.

I've eaten all the weight back on. 2 whole kilograms in about a week and a half. I was stuck at 77kg for months and I threw it all away for some pizza and ice cream. I'm so angry at myself. Thankfully we're going into winter so people won't see my rolls.

[Discussion] Favorite vitamins?
Created: Mon May 28 21:23:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mvw8x/favorite_vitamins/
I wanna get some vitamins so I can feel a little better. I read somewhere that someone started taking a vitamin (can’t remember which) and it basically eliminated their binge urges. What vitamins do y’all like?

Created: Mon May 28 21:05:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mvsb0/my_fatherinlaw_made_the_purging_joke_and_it_was/
Family: [Munching On Klondike Bars]

Father-In-Law takes a jab at Mother-In-Law's weight and how she shouldn't eat a Klondike bar. I stand up for her and say he needs to knock it off.

Then he looks at me and says, "I hope you're purging that after this. Go purge it." As some kind of sick joke.

Nobody says anything. Nobody stands up for me. I shouldn't have eaten the Klondike bar. Now I'm panicking and sad and crying in the bathroom.

[Rant/Rave] I don't like when people show concern for my weight
Created: Mon May 28 21:01:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mvrbi/i_dont_like_when_people_show_concern_for_my_weight/
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist 2 weeks ago, and was told that while she'd like to continue working with me, if I haven't at least maintained my weight by my next appt, she might have to stop seeing me.

I don't want to go through having to find a new psychiatrist, and I can't just stop seeing one altogether, but I also have no desire to change. I don't want to maintain, and I don't want to call the ED center she told me about. I'm just not used to people being bothered by my weight, literally no GP has ever cared about me being underweight, so I guess I started to see it as ok and normal. And now someone is worried and I don't know how to deal with that.

[Intro] Add me on peach?
Created: Mon May 28 20:25:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mvik1/add_me_on_peach/
Hi, everyone. I just found this subbreddit not too long ago, maybe a few weeks. I've really enjoyed being around, posting what little I have, and the very constructive and supportive responses I've recieved.

Please add me on peach! I'm jojo33

[Rant/Rave] I wish someone knew about my ED behaviours
Created: Mon May 28 20:05:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mvdgj/i_wish_someone_knew_about_my_ed_behaviours/
I've been alternating between either binging or restricting for 6 years, losing and gaining weight. I wish someone knew about my struggles. I want someone to care about me... not out of pity, but out of worry. I wish my mom would stop insulting me about my weight and body, whether I'm overweight or underweight. I wish I was the skinny & pretty one in the friend group, and I don't care how I get there \(but I can't because I don't have enough self control\). I wish someone cared in a non insulting way. :\(

[Other] Mind your damn business LoseIt...
Created: Mon May 28 20:01:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mvcjh/mind_your_damn_business_loseit/

I'm really afraid to tell anyone but I can't get out of this if I don't
Created: Mon May 28 19:42:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mv83c/im_really_afraid_to_tell_anyone_but_i_cant_get/
Fuck this. I'm tired of living from calorie allotment to calorie allotment and basing all of my self worth on a fucking number.

These things thrive in dark, private places. I've told one person about my weird relationship with food (that's all it was at that point- not the obsession it is now). That person pretty quickly left my life (no hard feelings, it just happens) and while she was sympathetic, she didn't help me in any way, and I absolutely did not expect her to. But just by nature of saying what I've been dealing with since I was 13, I realized how idiotic and fucked it is. But I'm so afraid to tell anyone who would actually care, would actually help me.

For a lot of reasons. First of all, I'm not that thin (5'5, anywhere between 121-124) so no one's gonna care. Second of all, family members keep on telling me I look good. Third, I have a ballet performance coming up, and I don't want to recover until after that, which is just so fucked. Fourth, I don't do the vulnerable thing too well. And fifth, I feel like an impostor. I started counting calories at age 13, I've had more meltdowns over the circumference of my thighs than I can count, and I still don't think I count.

I really don't want to recover at all. I do, but I don't. I don't want my life to dominated by food, I don't want to spend 20 minutes out of every hour to be spent thinking about food. But I do want to be thin.

If I commit to this recovery thing, I know that I need to get out completely- no calorie tracking, none of that. If I get out, I have to listen to my body and let it be what it is. That's one of the scariest things I can imagine doing.

I feel like a horrible person for thinking the way I do
Created: Mon May 28 19:39:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mv7jm/i_feel_like_a_horrible_person_for_thinking_the/
I live with my SO and his whole family monetarily rent-free. As part of my "rent" for me and my dog, I help cook dinners, clean the house, clean up dog poop for all dogs in the house, feed in-law's dog along with mine, and care for SO's grandma who's had two strokes. I give her showers, groom and trim her finger/toenails, do her laundry and anything else she may need help with

Gma used to make these really mean off-handed comments about my weight until I lost it all. But she always tells me she wants to lose weight but she keeps gaining and she's becoming pretty obese because I encourage her to go on walks in the back yard but she hates any kind of physical exercise. She just wants to sit in her chair and watch Fox News all day.

I was showering her earlier and my ED brain was getting disgusted just touching her. I have nothing against any kind of people, big or small but for some reason, I think I'm starting to understand what a lot of other posters mean by feeling the panic of touching someone who is much fatter.

And that's horrible and mean of me and I felt awful but part of me couldn't help but be rather disgusted and anxious and I tried to finish her shower as quickly as I could so I wouldn't have to be in there any longer.

I felt horrible. I *feel* horrible. Like a downright MEAN. I dunno what to do, what is *wrong* with me?

Edit: ugh and then my SO and his mom are just texting me and blowing my phone up from outside to go hang out with them when they literally know I fucking have a bunch of shit to do. Maybe I just resent everyone and that's my real problem ]:

how much
Created: Mon May 28 19:37:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mv6xu/how_much/

[Goal] Mark my words
Created: Mon May 28 19:12:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mv1gx/mark_my_words/
I will NOT step on the scale until the day I am projected to be at my GW, July 14.

Weighing myself either 1) let’s me justify bingeing or 2) upsets me so much that I binge to emotionally comfort myself lol

anybody else try not to weigh yourself?

This way I’m pretty sure I’ll get good results, especially because I underestimate my TDEE by about 200 calories “just to be safe” so if I’m lucky I should be like 2-3 lbs below my GW

[Help] Don't know if I should buy a scale.
Created: Mon May 28 19:00:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8muyqr/dont_know_if_i_should_buy_a_scale/
When my ED was at its peak i would weight myself constantly, since going to college (past 3 years), I've only weighed myself at the gym (which has helped with motivation to go haha). I'm scared that if I buy a scale I'll fall back into old habits, and lose the progress that I've worked so damn hard to get. I'm only thinking about getting a scale now since I started running outside instead of going to the gym. Am I being ridiculous?? Should i take the plunge??

[Discussion] DAE feel like your cravings make you unworthy?
Created: Mon May 28 17:45:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8muhce/dae_feel_like_your_cravings_make_you_unworthy/
I crave things like brownies and pizza and heavy, creamy pastas. My friends always say stuff like “Oh I can’t wait to have this salad” and “I had a craving for celery last night.” I literally heard the second one at my internship with my friend. Meanwhile I say stuff like cheesecake and crescent rolls and literally anything else bad. It makes me feel almost trashy the way I want to eat but I can’t help it. Does anyone else feel this way or is it a sign of my inevitable failure?

[Help] Looking for a friend to keep on track with??
Created: Mon May 28 17:38:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mufqb/looking_for_a_friend_to_keep_on_track_with/
Not sure if this allowed but I just started the ABC diet today cause I’ve put on 20 lbs in the past 6 months and I really want to take it off. Anyone want to start it with me and keep each other on track??

Can you buy Bronkaid at pharmacies in Louisiana?
Created: Mon May 28 17:34:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8muexd/can_you_buy_bronkaid_at_pharmacies_in_louisiana/
Sorry this question is so random, I tried googling but every result was either super outdated or kind of confusing to understand so I figured maybe someone can tell me first-hand. I'm going to be moving there from Texas soon and wondering if I need to buy an extra box before leaving or not!

[Discussion] Does anyone have any summer goals?
Created: Mon May 28 16:46:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mu3d0/does_anyone_have_any_summer_goals/
I was just wondering if anyone has goals for the summer like “I’d like to be ___lbs by such and such date”
I have a goal to be around 130lbs by August 1st but I’m not really sure if it’s that achievable 😕

[Rant/Rave] I went up 1.2lbs overnight.
Created: Mon May 28 16:43:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mu2gr/i_went_up_12lbs_overnight/
I realize it's probably just water weight, because I've been eating around 1000 calories per day. But whenever this happens, I am so tempted to just binge until I'm sick. I have such an all or nothing mindset. If I'm not losing, I may as well just eat everything in sight.

Whenever I gain my entire day is ruined and I just want to hide from the world. Like how can a stupid number rule my life like this? It's ridiculous.

[Help] Ate entire tub of Greek yogurt now I feel like shit (physically fml)
Created: Mon May 28 16:08:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mttsn/ate_entire_tub_of_greek_yogurt_now_i_feel_like/
It was like 4 cups and then while making pizza bagels (had 4 full sized fml) I felt dizzy I turned on the ac and I feel better but still feverish and nauseous halp

Sorry for poor grammar I'll speak English when I'm not dying

Edit: maybe it's an electrolyte issues? Gonna try to make some broth but holy hell I feel terrible rn

[Rant/Rave] Thinking About Quitting My Job: A Rant
Created: Mon May 28 16:02:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mtsgd/thinking_about_quitting_my_job_a_rant/
Hey guys, so I've mentioned before that I work as a hostess/bartender/busser in a resturaunt. The town I live/work in is tourist-y, and we are coming up on the busy season here. Lately, because of my restricting/weight loss, the physical work has gotten A LOT harder. I high restrict to anywhere from 850-1000 just to have enough energy to work, but i guess its not enough (also I'm really short so my TDEE is only like 1300). I refuse to eat more though, because I know I'll gain. I finally reached a GW and I refuse to fuck it up.

This job is really stressful and I already feel like a failure because I'm 24 years old, have a Bachelors degree in Psychology, yet I am working in a fucking resturaunt. I live in a small town and it is incredibly difficult to find work, but I just dont know how much longer I can do this. To make matters worse, this job is really triggering to me. Seeing all the overweight/obese people eating constantly makes me feel sick. Boxing peoples disgusting food, clearing off tables, it all just sucks. A lot of my coworkers are overweight, too, and no one really has any idea I struggle with an ED. At the end of every shift, my manager makes us all food and I am the only one who always finds an excuse not to eat. You guys, i dont know what to do. I have to work because i need to pay bills, but i dont know how to do this anymore. I feel so fucking lonely.... this is the only place i feel understood.

Just binged. First time in weeks. Need some advice.
Created: Mon May 28 15:53:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mtpvv/just_binged_first_time_in_weeks_need_some_advice/
Was doing great all day at 300/1000 then BAM! Binge. Now I'm at 2600ish. I'm so mad at myself, mostly because I actively went out to buy the food knowing i shouldn't. Like it wasn't just like I had a snack in the house then kept on snacking. I got fries, deep fried fish and sausage and then had chocolate pretzels and 2 kit kats "for dessert" 😒

Does anyone have any advice to get back on track? I worked out I'd have to hit no more than 730 each day this week to fix it and have my weekly average at 1000 again 😞 I have lots of cup soups, coffee, veggies, salad and fruits. I'm a volume eater (lololol) and love a big dinner, small lunch and couple snacks.

Man. What the Hell. I feel so discouraged and disappointed in myself. IT'S ONLY MONDAY 😣😣

Almost had panic attack at the mall
Created: Mon May 28 15:47:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mtokz/almost_had_panic_attack_at_the_mall/
Something about trying on pants in this itty bitty Hollister fitting room triggered me so bad i had to leave immediately, even though im a size 1, seeing my body almost naked was horrifying, now im at work and I feel terrible i just want to cry and quit. Worst thing is I can't talk to anyone here, because im the thinnest person (everyone else is overweight or obese) and they always laugh it off when i say something negative about my body, im just so lucky to be thin, the things they would do to look like me, ugh.
Well 6 more hours to go and then i get to go home and cry by myself in the shower

[Rant/Rave] Both parents are fueling my disorder. I should tell them to stop but...
Created: Mon May 28 15:33:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mtkwk/both_parents_are_fueling_my_disorder_i_should/
...I like it. It keeps me driven to lose weight to spite them as horrible as that sounds. it's also driving me insane because I need to be strong and healthy for my job. My mom made (and continues to do so) comments about my body my entire childhood/teen years/early adulthood. That's where I think my disorder really began and stemmed from. I never learned to love myself as is. It's always been about changing in some way..."you would look so much better if you loss X amount of weight." Now my dad comments on my eating. I'll fast for 24hrs and then eat a salad with chicken breast and he'll say "WOW! that's a lot of food." As twisted as it is it motivates me so freaking much. Sorry. Just needed to get this out somewhere.

What do you like/dislike most about your body?
Created: Mon May 28 15:31:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mtkbu/what_do_you_likedislike_most_about_your_body/
I really hate my skin (bad acne, huge pores, very red), my stretch marks, my very undefined cheekbones and my protruding belly.

But I really like my small ribcage, my muscle definition/bone definition, and my baseline body shape (hourglass), I just hate that I made it fat lol.

What about you guys?

When someone tells you about the dating app they created...
Created: Mon May 28 15:09:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mteqz/when_someone_tells_you_about_the_dating_app_they/
...and one of the requirements to signing up is a **doctors note saying you are free from mental illness.**

I’m sorry sauna stranger, but YOU are the one with the problem. Not those with a mental illness.

I honestly could not believe my ears. To *brag* about that, saying “people need to know if someone is crazy or not. I’m just out to weed out the crazies.”

This is what is wrong with the world.

[Discussion] Anyone else feel like they're leading a pretty (relatively) normal life with their ED? [discussion]
Created: Mon May 28 15:07:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mte6d/anyone_else_feel_like_theyre_leading_a_pretty/
Disclaimer: I've never gotten to the point of being severely underweight, or fasting for days on end, or being hospitalized. I haven't suffered as much as most folks!

I don't really mean normal in a headspace kinda way - obviously I obsess over what food I'm eating/my body and think about it pretty much 24/7. But, even though my eating & thought patterns are clearly disordered and I've been sticking to <1000kcal a day, I feel like it's disguised as being pretty normal.

I think part of that comes from being a high restricter, low cal replacements, & OMAD. Thanks to SF syrup & almond milk I've been able to enjoy a sweet iced latte the past couple days. I've gone drinking this week. I've eaten normal-to-large amounts of filling meals (shiritaki noodles, low-carb wraps, and eggs are the real homies). I drink a lot of diet soda, too.

It definitely doesn't help the intrusive "you're a fake!" thoughts at times, but it makes me feel weirdly comfortable with the whole thing. Like, I know it's still unhealthy and probably going to snowball (it already has started), but... I don't know! I feel like it's necessary for me to feel like I'm being a -normal- human so that I won't binge 'till I'm blind (happens when I low restrict for too long). And it feels sustainable in a weird way.

Not really sure what the point of this post is. It's a weird mix of enthusiasm, confusion, and a hope for solidarity. lol.

[Other] cards against humanity with the fam got a little too real
Created: Mon May 28 14:56:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mtbee/cards_against_humanity_with_the_fam_got_a_little/

[Discussion] DAE hoard certain foods until the "right" time?
Created: Mon May 28 14:52:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mtaar/dae_hoard_certain_foods_until_the_right_time/
Currently I have a stash of random safe foods that I refuse to touch. It's like I dont want to waste them, if that makes sense?

I have some tuna snack kits, 90 cal yogurt bars, and some Green Giant frozen veggies, but I feel like if I eat them and then eating something shitty, then I've just ruined those foods and they will no longer be "safe"?

[Rant/Rave] I’m so fucking sad. All I want to do is drink and I can’t even do that.
Created: Mon May 28 14:37:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mt6j0/im_so_fucking_sad_all_i_want_to_do_is_drink_and_i/
Last night my bf and I got into a fight basically bc he knew I was taking EC stacks and he told me he was disappointed in me and was upset bc I told him I was only doing it when I went to the gym- which was the truth until I started welbutrin and now I’ve been stacking later in the afternoon bc I’m too afraid I’ll end up eating.
He is upset bc he feels like he is enabling my disorder but we were drunk and so shit escalated and he just said some insensitive shit, including he would leave me before he would enable me, and getting mad that I was crying.

And for some reason I still tried to turn shit around and get on better terms and all of this happened while we were going to get food (great timing right) but I was trying so hard to be normal and still managed to let myself eat- which I wasn’t even able to finish which is actually awesome.

But I woke up this morning so fucking sad and hurt. He could tell I was upset and tried to talk to me but I just dismissed it. I’ve never really been/stayed mad at him before but I don’t want to let this go (not that I want to fight about it, I really do want to talk but I want him to see how he hurt me rather than me just accepting his apology).

I just feel so hopeless. This is why I didn’t want to tell him and it’s not like this will be the last time it happens. This is going to be a conversation that keeps coming up. I don’t want to fuck this up bc of my disorder and I’m so fucking scared to lose him. It’s so fucking hard bringing another person into this.

This has to be the most depressed I’ve ever felt. Somehow I pulled myself out of bed and I’m sitting in the parking lot of the gym trying to force myself to go in. I took 400 mg of caffeine and I don’t feel it.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS DRINK BUT MY FUCKING EATING DISORDER WONT LET ME BC OF THE CALORIES. BEER IS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE THING AND I CANT EVEN LET MYSELF HAVE THAT. I just want to drink away the sadness so badly but I can’t trust myself not to eat if I start drinking. Beer makes me happy and not care which equals me allowing myself to eat, and I’ve been craving a grilled cheese so I know I’d probably end up eating it. I don’t even have a fucking appetite, food doesn’t even sound good and I still just want to eat. I fucking hate this I don’t want to be alive.

And all my posts turn into long fucking rambling posts and I fucking hate that too

I don't know what to do
Created: Mon May 28 14:34:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mt5rf/i_dont_know_what_to_do/
My boyfriend just broke up with me after four years and I don't know what to do.

I'm in my last year of college and the next few weeks are full of deadlines and exams and I'm trying to finish my thesis.

I have no appetite which I'm weirdly happy about but I kind of just want to disappear and wake up in a few months.

Please, anyone, some words of reassurance or any advice would be great. I've never felt so alone.

(Possible tw) Does anyone else feel high off fasting?
Created: Mon May 28 14:30:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mt4sr/possible_tw_does_anyone_else_feel_high_off_fasting/
Again this may be possibly triggering so I hope writing this doesn't hurt anybody.

After a long period of binging, I am back in the "restrict" mode and I'm fasting.

I forgot how weirdly amazing it feels (in almost all the wrong ways). I forgot how quickly I feel weak and sick after not eating. I forgot how it makes your heart beat fast like you are on addy. I forgot how amazing it feels to sleep when your stomach is starting to cave in. I forgot how wonderful it feels to sleep when you are freezing under lots of covers instead of standing infront of the fridge after a huge binge because you are so hot.

Everything is more intense when I'm not eating. Besides my emotions. They are numbed which is perfect because I hate to feel anything at this point. Music sounds like it is being played right in the room with me. Its overwhelming. I don't feel really "all there" in the sense that I'm probably dissociating a little. Everything feels fuzzy. I don't hate myself as much. Until I look in the mirror. So I try not to do that.

Maybe all this is just me and you think I'm insane but I wondered if anyone else felt this way? I'm a little out of it like I said so maybe this post is stupid

I don't talk to anyone ever about this so I'm in my own isolated head with all this.

[Discussion] I hit my LW and I feel the same
Created: Mon May 28 14:20:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mt209/i_hit_my_lw_and_i_feel_the_same/
I hit my lowest weight in 10 years, and I just feel blah about it. 56.6 kg, so I still have 6.6 kg to my UGW, but I thought I’d feel something. Happy? Proud? Satisfied? Nope. I just feel fat. I know we all say this, but I still look huge.

5 Days at the Same Weight
Created: Mon May 28 14:18:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mt1hf/5_days_at_the_same_weight/
I have been bouncing between 132 and 133 for the past 5 days and it is driving me nuts. I am obsessively counting every calorie I consume and trying to avoid salt, drinking water, and my scale refuses to budge. I tried throwing in an extra 20 mins on the treadmill yesterday and I plan on doing the same today.

What's worse is that I made a mental promise to myself that when I hit 130 I would allow myself to have a mini-binge celebration but now that I am seeing how LONG this is taking, I don't think I'm going to risk the weight gain once I get to that goal.

Getting down to the 120s is torture! But I know it will happen eventually!

[Other] I’m such an idiot (UPDATE)
Created: Mon May 28 13:55:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8msvjv/im_such_an_idiot_update/
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8c1d1s/i_am_such_an_idiot_an_absolute_total_complete/?st=JHQO7K8P&sh=6b457a8c

So he did more or less ghost me, nothing to add to that. I’ve blocked his number so I’ll never know whether he is or isn’t trying to contact me. I was really hurt by how everything went down and I hit rock bottom but I’m on my way back up to normal.

I got tested for every known STD and was negative for it all, yay! I’ll be getting tested again for HIV and Hep in a few months. I hope I learned from this and won’t make these mistakes again.

I know I’m a silent lurker but thanks for being here. I feel better knowing I’m not the only totally fucked up person in this world, lol.

Love you all.

[Rant/Rave] Approaching new levels of hangry
Created: Mon May 28 13:52:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8msuqe/approaching_new_levels_of_hangry/
I just want to go get my safe food out of the fridge but my roommate has decided to just hANG OUT IN THE KITCHEN TODAY and???? I can't stand to eat in front of them or have them see me get food.

I hate when they do this because 1\) can't get any food and 2\) their fucking commenting every time I walk by. When I left my room and saw them still in the kitchen I decided I'd just go and smoke instead. Our door is really heavy so when I came back in it closed a little hard and IMMEDIATELY just "PLEEASE BE CAREFUL WITH THE DOOOOOR" like I didn't also hear and acknowledge that it was just a touch louder than an airy fart. If I leave my room to walk to the bathroom they just always have sOMETHING TO SAY like "oh hey I just read this really funny thing" and I'm just??? I bet. But the sound of your voice is giving me a headache like you wouldn't believe. And you could be reading anywhere else in the house right now.

I love them very much but right now I'm just Over It. It's keeping me from eating though so I guess I can't be too upset.

Can I tell you a gross food thing?
Created: Mon May 28 13:35:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8msq53/can_i_tell_you_a_gross_food_thing/
It’s been helping me not overeat and I don’t know if it’ll have the same effect second-hand but I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this stuff lol.

Yesterday I went on a date and they wanted to have a little picnic in nature. I brought fruit and crackers and a wedge of brie cheese (I was hoping I could pick at the fruit and they’d eat most of everything without noticing). They didn’t eat much so I had most of it left over. I dropped the brie cheese wedge on the picnic blanket when I was wrapping up everything to put back in my bag. I was thinking I’d toss it all in the trash when I got home (no trash cans around so I just went back home with it).

Brie cheese is my weakness so I never buy it because it’s so high-calorie and when I took it out of my bag to toss, I just caved and took a big bite out of it (a few seconds of bliss) but then I turned the wedge over and saw there was a little pink caterpillar WORM type bug with little nub legs, dead smooshed into the other side. I immediately spit out what was in my mouth and threw everything away in the trash.

I know it’s GROSS but not only did it stop me from eating the brie—also every time since then, when I’m about to reach for something to snack on, I just think of that and I immediately lose my appetite.

Thanks, gross cheese worm-bug? I never knew I’d be thankful for something so gross.

[Rant/Rave] “r/fasting doesn’t encourage eating disorders!” they say as they literally tell someone who’s underweight that it’s fine not to eat for days on end
Created: Mon May 28 13:06:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8msihq/rfasting_doesnt_encourage_eating_disorders_they/

[Rant/Rave] “r/fasting doesn’t encourage eating disorders!” they say as they literally tell someone who is underweight that it’s fine for them to not eat
Created: Mon May 28 13:05:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8msi82/rfasting_doesnt_encourage_eating_disorders_they/

I start seeing a specialist this week
Created: Mon May 28 12:47:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8msdio/i_start_seeing_a_specialist_this_week/
My nurse from my psychiatrist made me an appointment with a ED specialist for this week because she’s pushing me into recovery. I’m nervous to tell her how bad it really is. Bleh hopefully she’s a bit more understanding then my nurse is.

just binged the first time in weeks and could barely purge (tmi)
Created: Mon May 28 12:07:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ms2re/just_binged_the_first_time_in_weeks_and_could/
im so fucking upset rn. i impulsively binged on a huge bowl of cereal thinking it would come up easily. drank lots of water and used a ton of milk but when it came time to purge i barely got a quarter of it up it seems. i tried like 5 times and only dry heaved. i feel so shitty im crying. i just took some sleeping meds bc i honestly feel like dying. i was doing so good with restriction recently i feel like ive ruined all my progress.

[Other] A genuine and huge thank you to this community for reminding me I am not alone. I think exposing sadness is important, I hope you all know how much you've truly helped.
Created: Mon May 28 12:01:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ms170/a_genuine_and_huge_thank_you_to_this_community/

Went to brunch and got told I'd look great in a dress that was too big for my friend because of my "wide shoulders"
Created: Mon May 28 11:48:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mrxkz/went_to_brunch_and_got_told_id_look_great_in_a/
I went to brunch with some friends yesterday. We were all talking about shopping for summer clothes and one of them goes "Omg caithaa! I tried on this dress last week but it was too big for me. It would look GREAT on you, you have such wide shoulders!"

Okay WTF? What kind of backhanded compliment is that? I have never in my life had an issue with my shoulders and all I can see now are my wide shoulders. So much for friends, jesus christ.

My ED wants to get a few things off its chest. And so do I.
Created: Mon May 28 11:35:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mru3q/my_ed_wants_to_get_a_few_things_off_its_chest_and/
My ED: You cannot tell your best friend you are purging again. Deny. Deny. Deny.

You can binge as long as you throw up at least half of the food after. All is better, but half is better than nothing.

You will lie to your therapist and say that bulimia made you too tired.

You will stay with friends more during the week so your parents don't see how much you sleep or eat.

You will drink more water on skydiving days and get someone else to pack your parachute for you. It's too much work for you to do in the heat.

You will take extreme care of your teeth and make your dentist believe you aren't throwing up at all.

You will never complain about your weight in front of anyone.

You will ignore comments about you losing weight.

Buy more gum.

Skydiver89: Get me the fuck out of this nightmare.

DAE want to recover but your ED is too "comforting?"
Created: Mon May 28 11:31:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mrt29/dae_want_to_recover_but_your_ed_is_too_comforting/
I really want to recovery mostly because I want to be stronger in the gym and not feel exhausted in my workouts. But when I think about seeking therapy, or telling someone about my ED to kickstart recovery, I also feel like I'm losing my cooping mechanism (which is basically what my ED is). It's like my ED brings clarity and comfort into my life. Anyone feel like this?
And one day I will recover, I'm determined to. I want to live fully again.

[Rant/Rave] At the grocery store
Created: Mon May 28 11:23:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mrqvf/at_the_grocery_store/
After two days of restriction (400kcal or less) I’m starting my water fast today. I can’t tell you guys how amazing I feel right now, like I’m finally going to be making progress getting down to my UGW of 105.
However, I’m at the grocery store right now getting food for my fam and it is incredibly difficult to pass on all the samples I usually try. Absolutely horrendous walking past the wine aisle, the bread aisle...and not picking up things I usually eat.
I have the worst self control ever and I’m finally starting to see that it really is mind over matter. I’ve worked so damn hard these past three days staying home with my toddler, and not eating what she’s eating, making her treats and high fat and protein dinners.
I’m finally not hating myself, still hate my body but I don’t see that ever changing.
I just wanted to share. Thanks for reading. ❤️ Happy Monday to you guys!

[Rant/Rave] At the grocery store
Created: Mon May 28 11:23:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mrqud/at_the_grocery_store/
After two days of restriction (400kcal or less) I’m starting my water fast today. I can’t tell you guys how amazing I feel right now, like I’m finally going to be making progress getting down to my UGW of 105.
However, I’m at the grocery store right now getting food for my fam and it is incredibly difficult to pass on all the samples I usually try. Absolutely horrendous walking past the wine aisle, the bread aisle...and not picking up things I usually eat.
I have the worst self control ever and I’m finally starting to see that it really is mind over matter. I’ve worked so damn hard these past three days staying home with my toddler, and not eating what she’s eating, making her treats and high fat and protein dinners.
I’m finally not hating myself, still hate my body but I don’t see that ever changing.
I just wanted to share. Thanks for reading. ❤️ Happy Monday to you guys!

How much will I lose?
Created: Mon May 28 11:18:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mrpjw/how_much_will_i_lose/
If I started eating 500-700 calories everyday for a month let’s say. How much weight would I lose? Or from your personal experience, how much weight did you lose in a month from low-cals?

I’m 5’4 143lbs and I want to be 110-120lb.

[Help] Lactose intolerant = lax?
Created: Mon May 28 11:15:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mrotl/lactose_intolerant_lax/
I’m on the more milder side i guess of being lactose intolerant- there are some cheese i can digest.
My question is: am I consuming calories still if i drink milk? Like I can’t digest it properly so it almost literally goes thru me. Is it only the milk or is it everything else in my stomach?

my cravings are a daily battle
Created: Mon May 28 11:00:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mrklf/my_cravings_are_a_daily_battle/
i have really bad cravings for cheese. i'm debating whether to go buy camembert or not and i know if i get some i'll eat it all and it'll be 1000 calories. i'll have to fast for the next two days.

what do you do against these cravings? i have food on my mind 24/7 and it's so hard :(

[Discussion] [rant] DAE wish it were easier to find their kind in real life?
Created: Mon May 28 10:18:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mr92p/rant_dae_wish_it_were_easier_to_find_their_kind/
I moved to a new city almost three months ago and still know literally no one but the people that I work with (and my boyfriend, who came with me). So I downloaded Bumble BFF in an attempt at making some kind of friends, but a half hour later I realized I basically Nancy Drew'd all the photos/bios of potential matches to see if I could find out who might also enjoy not eating for days at a time/bulk-buying laxative teas/popping EC stacks.

Like, all of them. People want to "go for drinks" and I'm here like, "...and save your calories for that so you can get black out drunk without getting fat??? Right???"

Hardcore missing the red string bracelet days of the early 00s, because I clearly have not grown up at all from that point and am not capable of making real, adult friends now since my literal only interest is my eating disorder.

[Rant/Rave] Having family in town is killing me
Created: Mon May 28 10:16:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mr8hf/having_family_in_town_is_killing_me/
We have family staying with us, and there’s so much junk food. We had McDonald’s then chick fil a yesterday and the day before, and they’re getting McDonald’s again. We have 4 family size bags of crisps, 50 packets of cookies, a huge thing of oreos, and an apple pie.

I don’t want to eat. But Im obligated to eat. And there’s nothing I can eat that’s healthy or low calorie.

I’ve been in tears trying to work up the courage to go to the kitchen for an hour. I hate this. I hate that they can eat like this. It’s disgusting, and I feel nauseated just thinking about it.

a moment of silence for all our lost boobs
Created: Mon May 28 10:13:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mr7rh/a_moment_of_silence_for_all_our_lost_boobs/
press f to pay respects

[Discussion] DAE watch really disgusting movies so they don't get the urge to eat?
Created: Mon May 28 09:04:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mqpjt/dae_watch_really_disgusting_movies_so_they_dont/
Sometimes if I watch really weird creept grimy movies or just videos I lose my appetite. It really helps when i feel like I'm about to start spiraling and binge eating again, I just pull up a scene from Gummo or my 600 lb life and the feeling goes away.
Does anyone else do this?

binged for 2 months and I stepped on the scale today
Created: Mon May 28 08:52:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mqmap/binged_for_2_months_and_i_stepped_on_the_scale/
Oh my God you guys I am crying! After quiting my job in march I was so depressed and lonely and had so many papers to write that I just completely gave up on controling my eating and drinking. And since the biggest amount of my calories comes from alcohol, I expected to gain a lot in this past months but I stepped on the scale today and I only gained 1 kg!

I just can not express how grateful I am but I also feel unworthy if that makes sense. Also, looking back I realise that even if I didn't actually count the calories most days I only had one meal consisting of small plate of pasta, potatoes, or a few slices of toast( caarbs and nothing healthy) so I never went above lets say 1500 calories in a day from food but adding the alcohol which would be around 1000 at least ( I am very ashamed) 3-4 times a week you can understand why I am so surprised that I didn't actually gain back like 5 or more kilograms as I expected.

This really motivated me to start over and hopefully lose at least 5 kg untill jully. So yay.

Trying to remember that looking sick is not a good thing
Created: Mon May 28 08:50:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mqlxh/trying_to_remember_that_looking_sick_is_not_a/
My friends and family think my weight is caused by digestive problems rather than the other way around... sometimes it's hard to remember that looking "sick" is not supposed to be a good thing. People often reassure me that even though I'm very thin I "look great" or "very healthy," and it's hard to separate their good intent from the way I interpret these comments, that stupid "not sick enough" voice that never goes away. They're trying to be supportive and make me feel good yet their words end up having the opposite effect, lmao. dear brain why u gotta be like this.

[Discussion] What are your random weight loss milestones?
Created: Mon May 28 08:41:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mqjp5/what_are_your_random_weight_loss_milestones/
My weight has been all over the place my entire life. It cheers me up when I lose some and notice little things I forgot I used to have - that my thighs aren’t touching when I walk, that I hardly have any more back fat, that I can see my chest bones etc. Do you guys also experience this?

Food Diary day 2
Created: Mon May 28 08:29:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mqglm/food_diary_day_2/
Hey everyone! I’m getting to you a little late today so sorry about that. I just got back to work after 3 weeks at my internship and people are driving crazy already! At least I have y’all though.

Anyways into breakfast. Earl grey tea with Splenda and a bagel. That came out to about 300 calories with 5(!) grams of fiber. So I’m super happy about that. I’ll check back in later! :)

[Other] DAE swing from each extreme with no middle-ground?
Created: Mon May 28 08:23:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mqeub/dae_swing_from_each_extreme_with_no_middleground/

[Rant/Rave] New “throwaway” account. Same issues. Just a ramble.
Created: Mon May 28 08:12:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mqc0z/new_throwaway_account_same_issues_just_a_ramble/
I’ve been flung back into these “habits” again by a recent love affair. So unhappy with my marriage and being with someone that hates me that I began eating and eating and making myself as ugly as possible and then, suddenly, this man pops into my life and I’m starving myself again. I’m not sure why my self worth has always been determined by if I can bag and bed the man that I want but, it is.

I managed to get down to overweight from obese by the time I had surgery. I was terrified of dying on the operating table. Skipping one meal for a few weeks, then one more, than finally maybe eating half a peanut butter sandwich. Finally, I had oral surgery / jaw surgery and I haven’t been able to eat since then. My surgery went poorly and I have permanent nerve damage in my face. I have complete numbness in half of my face now that will never go away. My lips are numb as well. I have limited mobility in my jaw (possibly from swelling but, time will tell) so I can hardly open my mouth far enough to cram any junk in there. Is it wrong that this sort of thrills me? I mean, I’ll likely never be able to feel kisses again but, I can’t really physically eat right now and that’s kind of amazing.

This morning, a coworker told me how obvious it is that I’ve lost weight. I’ve always thought she was beautiful and when she told me that she is 11 lbs heavier than me, I instantly felt awesome. I’m so terrible sometimes.

My life is a mess. It’s so cliche but, it feels so great to have control over something. Not eating is control to me. I just want to completely disappear into nothingness. I made the decision that we’re all going to die and I need to start living the life that I want and, for the last month, I’ve followed that mentality.

Cheers, friends. To all of you who feel as though your life is a mess, I understand and I empathize with you.

Recovery water retention?
Created: Mon May 28 08:05:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mqaa6/recovery_water_retention/
Is this normal? I'm 4/5 weeks in recovery and look like a jelly fish. Help haha

[Rant/Rave] trying not to lose my mind over way too much food this weekend
Created: Mon May 28 07:47:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mq61x/trying_not_to_lose_my_mind_over_way_too_much_food/
ugh ugh ugh I know it’s so dumb. But I went home for the weekend and just let loose and got patio drunk with my friends, and Saturday night they ordered pizza and I ate half of it. Like half a medium pizza to my face.

then yesterday I did great and didn’t eat all day, went on a 6km hike - then came back and went out for those damn sunshine patio drinks and probably drank around 1,500 calories in drinks alone - then split nachos with my friends when they ordered them. I have no idea how many I ate so I’m estimating another 1,500 putting me at like 3,000 calories for the day. Holy fuck. I haven’t eaten that many calories in one day in over a year. That combined with the pizza on Saturday night ????? What is wrong with me? Am I slipping back into old habits? I’m still the same weight on the scale today thank god but I’m assuming by tomorrow it’ll be way up and if I see numbers in the triple digits on the scale again I think I might have a total breakdown. Idk why I’m posting this because I know no one can tell me I didn’t gain weight because I know I must have, I just don’t know why the fuck I did that. I wish I could purge

[Other] How many pounds is the average appendix?
Created: Mon May 28 06:37:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mpqxk/how_many_pounds_is_the_average_appendix/
Just wondering, no reason.

Anyone here with experience taking HUM supplements? Specifically the Skinny Bird supplement..
Created: Mon May 28 06:14:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mpmht/anyone_here_with_experience_taking_hum/
Supposedly it suppresses appetite and prevents overeating. My mom gave me a bunch and I'm wondering if anyone here has any experience with it in general. Also wondering about whether or not it helps hunger pangs on a somewhat extended fast (like 3-5 days).

TY in advance :)

[Sticky] Weekly Stats Update! May 28, 2018
Created: Mon May 28 06:13:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mpma0/weekly_stats_update_may_28_2018/
This is the weekly status thread for May 28, 2018.

The weekly status thread is to help motivate our users, and to eventually see how far they've come! Be it for weight loss, weight gain, or maintaining- everyone is welcome.

Please include the following information (with all necessary units of measurement):

* Height:

* Current weight (CW):

* Highest weight (HW):

* Lowest weight (LW):

* Goal weight (GW):

* Ultimate goal weight (UGW):

* Weight lost (WL):

* BMI: ([Use this to calculate your BMI](https://people.maths.ox.ac.uk/trefethen/bmi_calc.html))

* Age:

* Gender expression:

Here's a handy-dandy copy/paste of the above format:

* Height:

* CW:

* HW:

* LW:

* GW:

* UGW:

* WL:

* BMI:

* Age:

* Gender expression:


Status threads are posted every Monday.

Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 28, 2018
Created: Mon May 28 06:13:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mpm8s/daily_food_diary_may_28_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 28, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Help] Fear and Joy of Relapsing
Created: Mon May 28 05:08:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mpa8b/fear_and_joy_of_relapsing/
It's been about a year and a half ish since I've recovered from anorexia. At least mostly. I can eat like a normal person \(even though I frequently think it's too much\) and the thoughts rarely bother me anymore. But I feel like I'm hungry all the time still. And when I do get hungry it's ravenous and it makes me so cranky. What's worse is if I stay hungry for too long I start to feel this creeping madness of the old anorexia voices whispering to me. They just want me to continue not eating, it'd be so easy. But I know deep down that that life feels terrible and accomplishes nothing. How does everyone else deal with wanting to relapse and missing the disorder?

Obviously I try to eat as soon as I realize I'm hungry so I don't have to go through this battle but sometimes I'm caught at work or class and cannot leave to eat.

TD;LR When I'm hungry for too long I want to relapse and I miss the disorder. How do you cope?

[Rant/Rave] I feel like a failure.
Created: Mon May 28 04:55:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mp7vr/i_feel_like_a_failure/
I’m about to get my period. I haven’t had it since start of February and now that I feel the headache-y, crampy and bloatedness coming on I can’t help but feel like a failure. I know that I should be happy that I haven’t starved myself to the point of infertility but all I can think of is that it’s because I’ve gained.

This sickness has messed up my mind completely.

[Help] someone talk me out of going out to buy binge food
Created: Mon May 28 04:49:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mp6pr/someone_talk_me_out_of_going_out_to_buy_binge_food/
I’ve been restricting so hard lately and I can’t really focus right now. I know that carbs will fix all of this dizziness. warm, delicious carbs. fast food. fries, burgers, fried chicken. but I know that if I binge then I will purge, and lately I’ve been trying not to purge so much. also it’s almost 4am where I am and I probably shouldn’t be going out right now. someone please help.

What do your diets consist of right now?
Created: Mon May 28 04:21:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mp245/what_do_your_diets_consist_of_right_now/
tbh at the moment i'm only smoking cigs and eating various junk food. that mainly consists of binging on things called icy poles which are just ice blocks that taste like lemonade. i was just curious as to what everyone else eats (or doesn't eat lol) here.

[Rant/Rave] I had probably the worst conversation of my life
Created: Mon May 28 04:06:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mozq8/i_had_probably_the_worst_conversation_of_my_life/
Warning: major word vomit 🙃

So I finally told someone about my ED, they're now literally the only person irl that knows about my problem. He's a super caring and genuine person so I expected him to be understanding about it but also upset because, you know, health. And you know what? He practically encouraged it! He said that he was best friends with a girl in high school that almost died from anorexia but honestly I don't think he understands the disorder at all. He basically said that if that's what makes me happy then to just try to be safe and now he keeps giving me tips on how to boost my metabolism and stuff like that pretty much daily. He's literally cheering me on. To be fair, I don't look "sick." my bmi actually puts me at obese. Is it totally screwed up that I want to look sick now so maybe he'll take me seriously? Don't get me wrong I'm glad he's not overly worried about me because I really don't want him to be at all but this is just so opposite to the reaction I was expecting that I don't even know how to handle it. Sorry for the long and pointless post, I'm just kind of shocked still and needed to tell someone about my weird ass life. Props if you actually read this whole thing lol.

Is it okay to stress eat if you're underweight?
Created: Mon May 28 03:59:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8moyiz/is_it_okay_to_stress_eat_if_youre_underweight/
I'm sorry if this subreddit is not the right place for this question. I wanna say real quick that I don't have an eating disorder, but I have trouble gaining weight and have been pretty underweight for most of my life.

Lately I've been gaining weight from stress-eating. I have anxiety (GAD) and have found that eating gives me something enjoyable and distracting to do. When I informed my psychiatrist, she seemed happy and told me that I can stress-eat all I want right now as it is healthy for me, compared to me sometimes not eating for 1 or 2 days.

I'm wondering what people with personal experience think about this? Even though I've never been overweight I still have some anxiety about being overweight as I don't have a very good body image as is.

Again I don't have any EDs, so I might not have the right to post here. I have respect and sympathy for all those that struggle with EDs and am not trying to claim to know what it's like to have one. I'm more afraid that I might end up developing one as a result of my stress-eating.

First GP visit
Created: Mon May 28 03:09:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8moqnh/first_gp_visit/
Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster.

My psychiatrist has identified I have disordered eating. She has asked me to go to the GP each fortnight to get my blood pressure and heart rate monitored. Has anyone else had to do this? Does the GP look at anything else? Just trying to figure out what to expect as I’m really anxious about it. Thanks :)

we broke up
Created: Mon May 28 01:17:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mo92w/we_broke_up/
1 week ago, we had a big fight and i felt like the end was near. but we tried to fix things, and i truly thought things would be okay. today, we broke up. the whole week i was so stressed out, overeating and then purging repeatedly. i feel so unloved. the only person in the world who was supposed to love me and care for me has left. i have nothing else. i cannot stop crying.

[Goal] I’m going into treatment again, but it’s totally different this time.
Created: Mon May 28 00:57:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mo5nc/im_going_into_treatment_again_but_its_totally/
Today is my 28th birthday. I have had at least one alcoholic beverage almost every night since I was 11 (a few months total of sobriety at various times due to inaccessiblity or an attempt at cutting back) mostly to try to finally find some relief from insomnia, anxiety, depression, ocd, possible bipolar, a 16 year struggle with an eating disorder (bulimia, EDNOS, restriction, you name it, I’ve done it, etc.) Tomorrow (~30 hours from now) I will be on a plane to a program that specializes in addiction treatment, as well as eating disorders, and mood disorders. I even get to bring my doggy, who I have registered as an emotional support animal. I’m so happy and excited to start off a new year with a new set of goals and a new way of coping with life. I think you all are frequently the only ones who actually understand me, so thank you for being such a helpful and important part of my life. Seriously, this community frequently reminds me what I’m living for and why I continue. 💗💗💗

Sick of thinking about food
Created: Mon May 28 00:48:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mo46g/sick_of_thinking_about_food/
and how I've had 300 calories today so of course I can only have 42 calorie soup for dinner bc "you don't want to get fat, do you?" Because obviously having over 400 calories in one day is going to lead to obesity so I definitely shouldn't have any of the pre-made, delicious meals in the fridge that are all 300-400 calories.

[Discussion] Anyone else freak out enough to ECA stack at 11 o'clock?
Created: Sun May 27 23:41:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mnsfm/anyone_else_freak_out_enough_to_eca_stack_at_11/
I panicked because I ate a small bowl of ice cream tonight and went for a bike ride but that wasn't enough to make me feel good, so I guess I'm in for a long night tonight. God I wish I was normal

[Help] What do I watch to keep healthy when I'm underweight?
Created: Sun May 27 22:57:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mnk21/what_do_i_watch_to_keep_healthy_when_im/
I understand there's increased risks (just like there is with obesity) with being underweight. I know some of the causes (lower bone density due to hypocalcemia, iron defiency, general nutrient defiency) but I'm wondering what else there is, and what I should specifically keep an eye on

Just hit underweight (haven't updated my flair yet) and am prepping for the lecture from my dietitian

Lost 35lbs, still feel fat.
Created: Sun May 27 21:52:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mn7rl/lost_35lbs_still_feel_fat/
I've spent the last like 2 months starving myself and I still feel gross and fat, like nothing's changed. I wish I had taken pictures when I'd started maybe then I'd be able to see it.

[Discussion] Does anyone else not have a standard frame type? And finding thinspo and BMI/calculations that actually is for their body shape?? Links to various Endo-Meso-Ecto tests and stuff in post. Also, I get a bit ranty in here, you've been warned.
Created: Sun May 27 21:15:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mn0in/does_anyone_else_not_have_a_standard_frame_type/
My body frame type comes up all manner of wonky when I try to calculate it measuring my wrists or elbows and it's been pissing me off as that's supposed to be the most accurate/standard way of doing this. I want to be able to account for my structural mass when doing my calculations!

I'm above average height for a woman and currently either just over or just under* average weight according to BMI and the [BBC global BMI scale thing.](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-18770328)

So by the common descriptions of the frame types on most sites, going by [wrists](https://medlineplus.gov/ency/imagepages/17182.htm) I'm an Ectomorph as [my thumb and forefinger overlap significantly](https://www.freedieting.com/true-frame-size) and by elbows I'm an Endomorph. Using both, it just doesn't work, like with [this](https://www.myfooddiary.com/resources/frame_size_calculator.asp) site. But going by any of the frame shape [descriptors](https://blog.teleme.co/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Blog_3-Body-Types-01-1024x640.jpg) I'm either a freakishly oversized Endomorph, a mishapen Mesomorph or lanky Ectomorph.

My wrists at the narrowest point are 13.5 cms at a tighter measurement and 15.5cms looser (which do you use?) and my elbows are 6.5 to 7 cms from fingertip to fingertip across the joint approximately.

But to add to the confusion: So I'm tall, I've got really big shoulders, hips and ribcage and I'm weirdly muscular (even tho I sleep a lot and don't exercise more than a longish walk a few times a month). I've also got small wrists and ankles tho and long arms and legs and a small bum and a small waist. Buying jeans or tbh any clothes that fit properly really difficult (huge oversized shirts are so comfy tho). I can put on both weight and muscle easily but can drop over 10lbs in a week and keep it off if I'm not thinking about food, and I get kinda stringy looking when I'm lower end of standard average BMI.

#So what the fuck am I?

After like 2 hours of link diving the best frame size calculator I found was [this](https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/becker3.htm) online test which scored me as


but I'm guessing the answer to this question:





I chose 'Tight' as my hips are big, right? But because I don't think I've ever worn a pair of 'relaxed fit jeans' in my life (team skinnys and jeggings here, still need a belt tho fml), let alone any jeans which fit perfectly around both my waist and hips. Are these 'relaxed fit jeans' high waisted or low? Low waisted jeans look weird on me with my violin dip hips and tend to fit weird around my legs because my hips are wide from frame and not fat. Are these hypothetical jeans elasticated? Being 'relaxed fit jeans' aren't they supposed to be loose? And what about pants which are tight on the hips but not over my little (but not flat mind you) white girl ass?

If I pick loose tho, as they well might be, I get:


Which I suppose feels kinda right but how the hell does this now affect the 'start with 100lbs and add 5lbs for every inch over 5 feet that you stand and 10% more or less depending on your frame size' rule? Also does this mean I can account for my heavier frame when doing TDEE calculations? Do the Endo and Ecto cancel each other out or? Gah, I'm going to be obsessing about this for a while, lol.

*I've eaten badly over the last week and I've drunk like 5 litres of green tea so far tonight to keep me full as I purged my supposed safe food OMAD earlier. Every time I pee I lose like a lb (fluctuated 5 freaking lbs of water weight tonight, ffs). Also I'm back in restrict now so will likely be down like 10lbs or so in two weeks again before I hit the binge/purge cycle again.


I'd love to see everyone else's results and hear your gripes with this tho (if anyone's even read this far, lol). And if anyone knows of any other frame size calculating tests I can do or has any other thoughts about this stuff I'd love to read it!

Also, if anyone knows of any good thinspo for bodies like mine- I'd be super stoked to see it. I want to be inspired by perfectly thin bodies which I can feasibly look like- hips, shoulders and huge fucking ribcages and all.

[Discussion] DAE get waves of urges to listen to your ED that literally stop you in your tracks?
Created: Sun May 27 20:52:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mmvq9/dae_get_waves_of_urges_to_listen_to_your_ed_that/
Hi, so this is pretty specific.

For the five years I’ve had my ED, I’ve gotten these awful awful waves that feel kind of like the feeling you get when you’re really homesick, and they always come along with some ED thought/urge. You know, when you all of a sudden are like “woah fuck man I’ve gotta stop eating. forever. just stop that shit.” (Obviously way more serious than that but you guys get the point).

They’re often so bad and come so out of nowhere that they take me completely out of the moment I’m in. I’m just wracked with that homesick-like feeling and quite literally freeze and wait for it to pass. It’s becoming a really hard thing to deal with, though it doesn’t happen all that often, only a few times every month, typically.

I’ve never met anyone else with this, but I also have never met a fellow ED guy or gal. Anyone else get this or something like it? Please let me know.

[Help] Triggering Shows to Watch?
Created: Sun May 27 20:49:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mmv5f/triggering_shows_to_watch/
I’ve already exhausted Supersize vs Superskinny and I’m having trouble finding good shows on YouTube. I want to watch My 600 Pound Life but it’s not on YouTube and I’m in Canada so I can’t watch it on the website. Suggestions are welcome!!!!

Which is better, elliptical or stair machine?
Created: Sun May 27 20:19:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mmp3p/which_is_better_elliptical_or_stair_machine/
Which burns more calories but doesn’t bulk muscles too much? Toning muscles is fine but I don’t want to look big.

finally overweight and not obese
Created: Sun May 27 20:04:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mmltr/finally_overweight_and_not_obese/
I wanna celebrate by popping a bottle of water

[Rant/Rave] i have lost 13 pounds and i do not look any different.
Created: Sun May 27 19:45:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mmhhr/i_have_lost_13_pounds_and_i_do_not_look_any/
i started at 115 pounds, but in march i managed to binge my way up to 119 (as in i woke up and weighed that much three days in a row. it was not just bloat or water weight). recently i’ve gotten past my plateau and hit 106.

i don’t look skinnier. my thighs aren’t smaller. my face is still round. my arms are still flabby.

i hate it. all this pain has been for nothing. and what’s to say i’ll look smaller when i hit 100? maybe i have to go to 95 to see an actual difference.

[Tip] Every time I want to eat, I just look at this
Created: Sun May 27 19:39:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mmgef/every_time_i_want_to_eat_i_just_look_at_this/

[Tip] Every time I want to eat, I just look at this.
Created: Sun May 27 19:39:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mmgdq/every_time_i_want_to_eat_i_just_look_at_this/

Another woosh this week!
Created: Sun May 27 19:15:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mmbbz/another_woosh_this_week/
I didn't exercise much this week because of an injury, but this morning I lost two pounds! I was thinking about my diet yesterday. I basically ate honey nut cheerios with cashew milk, 3 in 1 coffee, two eggs, a tub of chocolate Breyers Delight, a pint of Halo Top in oatmeal cookie, vitamin water zero, and a decaf with a shitload of Splenda. The total came to just a little over 1000 cals. The foods I ate were mostly very soft and almost liquidy, so I am wondering if that played a role in my woosh as well. My stomach was relatively flat the entire day, which doesn't happen even when I restrict with a shit ton of veggies, which is much lower in calories. It almost seemed as if I just peed everything out. Could this explain my woosh? This isn't the first time this happened to me.

[Question] Is seeing the bones in your chest considered attractive?
Created: Sun May 27 19:06:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mm97s/question_is_seeing_the_bones_in_your_chest/
On mobile, can't flair.

So my body is weird. BMI 20.8. Collarbones show pretty good, I like that. I consider it attractive. My sternum is showing now though and I can't figure if it looks good or not. Skin is pulled tight over it like a drum. Boobs have shrunk, I like that.

The rest of the way down my body the fatter it gets. Tree trunk thighs that still rub together like a cricket when I walk. I'm working on it though.

So chest bone showing, yay or nay? I still got 14 lbs to lose to get to my UGW.

[Rant/Rave] Just need to rant for a second
Created: Sun May 27 19:05:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mm95i/just_need_to_rant_for_a_second/
I haven't been on a date since I was 14, and I'm 18 now. I've had really bad anxiety throughout my life, but I've learned how to cope with it at least a good 85% of the time now. I was going to go on a date tonight with someone I really liked and have been talking to for awhile, but my anxiety has been so bad for the past week that I could't get myself to do it. And I know why it's so bad lately: because I've been in hypomania for the past five months, and now I think I'm hitting a low again. I was able to see a therapist/psychiatrist about nine months ago for my mood swings and ended up being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but my family could no longer afford my going, so I haven't been able to get any treatment. It was okay during hypomania, I felt great, I was alive and confident and outgoing. But now I'm just sad and depressed and want to die again. And when I told the guy I was going out with that I couldn't make it, he wanted to know why, of course, so I finally told him that I have bipolar disorder(I hadn't told him yet) and now he just seems like he's done with me. I think I hurt him.

I hate myself right now.

saw a picture of myself from a few years ago. rip me
Created: Sun May 27 18:44:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mm4jr/saw_a_picture_of_myself_from_a_few_years_ago_rip/
i was trying to find something on facebook that my mom posted a few years ago and found a picture of me when i was skinny. i was so little then and i'm so fat now, and it doesn't help that i've been eating like a pig all day because we just went shopping and bought ice cream. end my shit

you know when you think you maybe actually look okay for a minute and then someone takes a picture of you and you instantly see how wrong you are?
Created: Sun May 27 18:23:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mm005/you_know_when_you_think_you_maybe_actually_look/
i thought i maybe looked cute today and well put together considering i still dont feel skinny but


my face and chin is huge my hair looks so short and dumb my legs are fat and stumpy my shoulders are man shaped i look so chunky in my clothes

in other news time to fast

NOT me—but I’m intensely triggered by a relative. Guess the weight? 5’5.5”, legs and lower torso are just as skinny. And yes that is a second level of bone visible below the collarbone. Help! My eyes are seeing ED.
Created: Sun May 27 18:10:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mlx1a/not_mebut_im_intensely_triggered_by_a_relative/

[Rant/Rave] Birthday weekend meltdown
Created: Sun May 27 18:07:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mlwc7/birthday_weekend_meltdown/
Me and some of my friends went to a hotel to spend the night for my birthday.
This means I had to be with my friends for about 24 hours at least.
My friends not know about my eating disorder and I didn’t want them to find out on the day we’re just supposed to sit around and have fun.

We went to a restaurant
Then got ice cream
Then went to the peep store
Got back to the room and ate more candy
and then somehow ate more candy
The next day (this morning) MORE CANDY AND COOKIES (cuz self control isn’t a thing)

I honestly wanted to die the whole time and I cried a little bit when everyone went to sleep and I just feel lost and annoyed and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I hate this and I hate how I couldn’t even say no if I tried.
I can’t do anything right.
I don’t even want to know how many calories that was but I feel like shit.

Guess who’s not eating this week!!!!

[Rant/Rave] Hit 2 and a half stone weight loss this morning, then proceeded to stress eat an estimated 3500 calories due to master’s degree deadlines.
Created: Sun May 27 17:48:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mls8f/hit_2_and_a_half_stone_weight_loss_this_morning/
Just gotta confess and be accountable

Sat in the library today, 3500 words into a 5000-6000 word essay which is due tomorrow morning, when I suddenly realised that I didn’t understand the essay topic (which I picked for myself 🙄) as fully as I wanted to, so probably won’t get a very good grade, and just sobbed. Completely in public. I think I was on the verge of a panic attack because I had pins and needles everywhere and I couldn’t feel my face, and felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I shouldn’t have picked such a difficult topic. It’s my own fault. I’m just out here trying to pretend to be smart when I’m a fucking idiot compared to everyone else around me. I’m a fucking fraud. Both as somebody with an eating disorder and as an academic. Applying to PhD places at the moment, and I know I won’t get in anywhere, because I’m good on paper, but there’s usually interviews for this shit and they’ll meet me and know I’m an idiot.

Anyway. Broke down in the library. Proceeded to eat 1000 calories worth of sandwiches, and 700 calories worth of snacks. Then had a prawn madras with rice for dinner because my mum’s staying with me and wanted to get takeaway and I was just like ‘sure’, when I’ve been eating 350 every day recently to get down to my current weight as quickly as I have.

Soooo I’ve probably gained tonnes of weight and got a shit grade on that essay, but at least I got it done, and I’ll rectify my eating in the next week.

[Help] Have to stay well for kids, that pressure is making me sicker. Panicking.
Created: Sun May 27 17:34:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mlp2g/have_to_stay_well_for_kids_that_pressure_is/
Okay so, this year, I have left a super abusive 7 year marriage, lost my job over eating disorder related illness, and been hospitalized. I have tiny kids. We have court on Tuesday because we are getting evicted, and I have very little hope that I'll be able to scrape that much together before then. So we are looking at living in a shelter, I think? I don't know. That seems like the only option.

I just got an amazing job, but the pay won't happen until June 15th and I have literally nothing left before then. My kids lives are nightmarish right now. They have no tv and little food, our internet is off, they can't watch their shows, and I'm sure they can sense my absolute batshit craziness brewing. They're anxious and stressed and our lives blow. And they're about to blow harder and it's my fault.

I know I need to get it together, cut out my food controlling bullshit, find a way to get more groceries, find a way to fix this, try harder, not be so weird and crazy.

But I fucking can't. I'm terrified. I'm not okay. I'm so scared I'll lose this job because it's demanding and I'll have to juggle it on top of being homeless and everything else. I know this shit is my fault. It definitely is. And I know I owe it to them to be well and normal and okay. But I can't and I'm failing and I look like an idiot and I'm so scared.

[Rant/Rave] Feeling like I am too lazy with my ed compared to most of you guys
Created: Sun May 27 17:19:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mllve/feeling_like_i_am_too_lazy_with_my_ed_compared_to/
I know most of us feel imposter syndrome and don’t feel fucked up enough to have an ed. And I know that I am super disordered when it comes to eating so I definitely have an issue even tho it’s undiagnosed (well my doctor diagnosed me as anorexic when I told her my eating habits but for some reason I don’t believe her, I feel like she just labeled me but how can she really know if I am or not)

My eating habits are going as long as I can without eating and then giving in and eating whatever I want 2-3 days out of the week. I don’t think I’m losing weight or it’s just super slow. And I only work out the following day after I eat and all I do is run however many miles I can manage (~10-14 a week)

But most of you guys are so meticulous and count your cals and restrict super low and still exercise when restricting and use apps like mfp and losertown. Oh and actually eat healthy foods!! I don’t have safe foods or fear foods- either every food is a fear or every food is safe.

I KNOW all of these thoughts aren’t constructive and I’m probably better off than someone who tracks every cal or has fear/safe foods, but it makes me feel like I’m not good enough. But all of the extra stuff is too stressful, I’d rather just not eat. And on the days that I do eat I almost feel like a normal person, i eat a lot but I think it’s more bc I have been starving, not an out of control binge, and it’s just one meal and getting high and eating snacks in bed w my bf.

I just have way too much fucking time on my hands when I’m at work and all I do is sit and think about this shit. But there’s a good chance I’ll go home tonight and spend time with my bf and feel ok about myself and be like “why are you even doing this to yourself” and allow myself to eat freely- which makes it super fucking frustrating that I spent the whole day stressed out.

Ok this turned into a huge ramble

[Rant/Rave] At this point I just admire everyone who can have food at home
Created: Sun May 27 17:00:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mlhs3/at_this_point_i_just_admire_everyone_who_can_have/
I don’t know what happened. I’m in a super super bad binge phase atm (for the last 3 months tbh) and I reached a point where I can’t even keep food in my kitchen. No matter how much or what I’ll buy I eat it within the next 24 hours. And I fucking hate it. I don’t know how to get out of this.

What annoys me most is the fact that back in February I restricted so well. 400cal/ day with prepackaged food/ snacks for everyday. Without binging on those for the next day.

I am really wanting pizza hut right now
Created: Sun May 27 16:52:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mlfxv/i_am_really_wanting_pizza_hut_right_now/
I am craving pizza hut so badly because I really want to binge even though I am lactose intolerant and plus my stepfather will make comments about my weight. It's rare that I binge but when I do I really go at it. Has anyone felt this way before and how do you feel afterwards because I feel like I'm going to do it.

Im so excited to move out. Just one more week then im free. Everything will be under my control.
Created: Sun May 27 16:49:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mlf9y/im_so_excited_to_move_out_just_one_more_week_then/
I desperately need this. I'll have the summer to get down to my low weight and then when school starts I'm going to eat at maintenance and recover. I know. Everyone says this and it's probably not realistic as far as recovery goes. But this is my plan and its making me excited for the future. So there.

[Rant/Rave] I internalized other people's stupid comments and now I feel like I'm not entitled to suffering or being diagnosed with a mental illness.[Possible trigger warning]
Created: Sun May 27 16:43:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mldt9/i_internalized_other_peoples_stupid_comments_and/
I'm kinda fed up, rant ahead.

I'm not gonna lie, I hate my extended family with a passion. Most of them are self\-righteous assholes who never cared for me, bullied and humilliated me and they can shove their opinions way up their asses. But their snarky remarks and comments are forever stamped on my brain.

I can't shake off this feeling of being too privileged to have a mental illness, even though I clearly have one \(well two actually, but one is undiagnosed and will probably stay that way for some time\) and was diagnosed by a professional. Life has been a struggle since day one for me, just not in a way that is easy for others to see or understand. I don't even think I can ever be happy \(besides hypomania's high\) or lead a normal life, yet I have all these assholes telling me to get over myself and "stop being ungrateful because life has given me everything"??

And then I have my friends telling me that I'm "just so lucky" or that "everything goes well for me". I know they probably mean well but this kind of reaction pisses me off because it makes me feel so alienated, I can't even be normal around my friends who are already a "weird" bunch. Doesn't help that my best friend is my biggest trigger; I strive to weight less than her and she's 10 cm shorter than me and petite. It's always like this with me. I'm probably the problem and I hate myself for it.

I just secretly wish bulimia consumes me and then people will know how hard it was for me all this time. I want to see their faces when they look at me in the hospital, with my teeth rotten from purging everyday, my skin dried, my cheeks swollen and my fragile underweight body facing towards them as I approach death slowly but surely. I feel that much contempt right now.

Managed to fast today by opting out of dinner at a restaurant, but my family is angry with me
Created: Sun May 27 16:40:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mld4q/managed_to_fast_today_by_opting_out_of_dinner_at/
I was set on fasting today, even though I knew both my sister and parents wanted to go out to a sushi bar. I'd been sort of dodging the obligation until today when I straight up said I wasn't coming. My dad kept insisting and pushing me to come, and he wasn't taking no for an answer, so I gave in eventually and got in the car.

In the middle of the drive there, I hear him talking about where my sister and her SO were. I was already unwilling, but then, my anxiety shot through the roof when I realized someone I didn't really know would be eating with us. You see, I really dislike dining out with strangers, especially when I'm already tired. In the middle of talking me into coming with, my dad had tricked me into thinking it would be just us, no one else. I brought this up to him, and he asked me if I didn't want to come and if I wanted to go back. I answered honestly, yes. So he drove back, and he was angry.

He'd been the one who spent all that energy pushing me to come out with them when I really wanted to stay home and nap (and fast). Now I'm tired and upset. I know my ED is messed up, but still, in that situation, what did he expect from me?

[Other] My horrible digestive system saves me!
Created: Sun May 27 16:37:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mlcg5/my_horrible_digestive_system_saves_me/
I'm trying to get back on a regular eating schedule ( daily 24h fasts with ~500cals per day) and I almost broke my fast today. I literally had the food in the microwave and I was waiting for it to come out but all of a sudden I stopped being hungry and switched to nausea! I'm now hiding in my bedroom so I'm not tempted to eat again, but that was such lucky timing.

Typing this out is making me realize how fucked up I am all over again though lol.

Anyone want to join me?
Created: Sun May 27 16:20:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ml8jc/anyone_want_to_join_me/
Attempting to end this month without binging or purging, making this post for accountability. It's only 4 days, who's with me.

When all the drinks are on sale
Created: Sun May 27 16:12:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ml6o2/when_all_the_drinks_are_on_sale/

[Discussion] I guess I’m confused - what kind of sub is this?
Created: Sun May 27 15:38:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mkyiz/i_guess_im_confused_what_kind_of_sub_is_this/
TOTALLY HONEST QUESTION/CONCERN! I have zero resentment towards anyone I am just really curious!

I subscribed because it was proED. I’m not pro people *having* eating disorders. But I figured this was the one place I could be completely honest about my goals and didn’t have to hide how I reach them. But then I see some people who are upset about posts when they aren’t pro-Recovery. Some say this sub has really changed, and why aren’t mods calling people out for encouraging others for losing weight, fasting, etc. Is this not the place to talk about active disorders decisions?

Like, I’m losing weight. I’m trying to lose weight. And others post that they are losing weight and I congratulate them... but if that offends people then I must be in the wrong sub. Truly, I just want to be in the right place and I feel like this might not be it? Is there another sub that I should be posting in?

Legit question!

I hate eating
Created: Sun May 27 15:29:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mkwk9/i_hate_eating/
I wish I could take a pill and skip the whole experience altogether.

Not like an appetite suppressant, just something to completely opt out of eating until I choose.

And not a meal replacement... Soylent is fine for this function, but I'm off sugar.

I watch Intervention on A&E, and I know the alcoholics suffer in a different way than the other addicts. Because the alcoholics have to be around regular people, law-abiding citizens, celebrating a birthday with champagne or drinking a glass of wine with dinner. For the rest of their lives, unless they cut those people out of their lives.

I don't presume to know anyone's struggle, but I find everyone is always eating all the time. I can't escape it.

That's why I've been so isolated recently, spending more time at home because I'm safe with my safe foods in my safe environment... Anyone feel the same?

[Intro] I'm coming back.
Created: Sun May 27 15:13:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mksqc/im_coming_back/
I flirted with recovery because my then boyfriend told me that if I didn't get help then he would leave. Anyway, about a month ago he left me anyway. I said I was getting better and he yelled "your weight has fluctuated so much in the 4 months I've known you!" \(like, thanks dude, you are a dick\). So...what am I losing?

My mum saw me for the first time in 5 months yesterday and commented on how \*healthy\* I looked. Gee. Great. Code for fat.

My waist 26 jeans from Monki that fit me last summer do not even button up. Brilliant. They did at Christmas, and then Christmas happened.

I watched a ballet tonight and wow, those ballerinas. Fuckin' hell.

I took a selfie with my mum and adios jawline. I have a round face so it carries a lot.

What do you guys reckon? Should I weigh myself? I reckon I'm about 62kg, as opposed to be "comfortable" weight of 57kg, going by how clothes fit, I just don't want to send myself spiralling into a sad binge. Losertown says if I eat 1200 kcal a day I can be at my goal weight by August, so we'll see, I guess?

Anyway, long ramble from me. Peace out, chicas y chicos x

Mint flavored vape
Created: Sun May 27 15:08:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mkrk7/mint_flavored_vape/
You guys!! I have found an awesome anti binge tool, I am a former smoker and on a whim I picked up a menthol flavoured vape pen.

It's intense and very minty, when I get hungry or am about to stick a snack in my mouth it crushes that craving immediately. It's very similar to brushing your teeth when your hungry, only I don't have to carry my toothbrush around like a lunatic. Plus if you get ones with nicotine it helps with appetite a little too

[Rant/Rave] I had a panic attack over maintenance calories
Created: Sun May 27 14:49:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mkmwu/i_had_a_panic_attack_over_maintenance_calories/
I’ve been restricting a lot recently. I decided to try and eat at maintenance one day, just to get some energy, and try to feel semi-normal. I am panicking about it and I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach the sushi I’m supposed to eat with family tonight. This is exhausting and awful.

Are there any ED-related .PDF masterlists?
Created: Sun May 27 14:05:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mkcau/are_there_any_edrelated_pdf_masterlists/
I'm on mobile so forgive my lack of tags/laziness with the search function.

It's probably been done before; I was hoping we could share or repost ED-related books or free downloadable content. It's been nearly impossible for me to find any good documents on this Kindle I'm stuck with until I get a real computer.

I remember reading Wintergirls on the web somewhere and it was perfect because there was no missing pages and it was scanned perfectly from start to finish. Sure, I have my issues with the way it was written, but the simple act of reading can keep me distracted from my own thoughts all day.

[Rant/Rave] Triggered af bc I love this shirt but would be a fuckin phony wearing it hahaha
Created: Sun May 27 14:00:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mkayi/triggered_af_bc_i_love_this_shirt_but_would_be_a/

[Discussion] Ec stack question
Created: Sun May 27 13:53:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mk94o/ec_stack_question/
Hey all,

I've just begun ec stacking. I was wondering, if I already drink a shitload of caffeine between diet soda and black coffee, is the caffeine pill neccesy for the full effect of the stack ?

I'm having difficulty being honest in therapy and it's preventing me from reaping any of the benefits.
Created: Sun May 27 13:38:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mk5oo/im_having_difficulty_being_honest_in_therapy_and/
I want to be open about my problems and present an accurate picture of myself, but I can't force myself to. One of my new therapist's specialities is eating disorders, and I'm still naive enough to believe things might improve if I could just expel some of this turmoil and articulate how I feel. I'm not ashamed of admitting I have an eating disorder. I mean, she already knows. I'm afraid to be genuine about my ED (and everything else, for that matter) because that would shift our dynamic entirely. I've been denying myself for so long I don't know how to behave like the person I am while someone watches, and getting help necessitates sincerity and authenticity. I need to stop deflecting and pretending if I'm going to make progress, but I feel like I'm not in control of that anymore, like an actress being switched endlessly from role to role without her consent. I talk to myself when I'm home alone, and there's nothing about me that isn't different when there's no one present and I'm safe: my voice, my mannerisms, my diction. I'm practically unrecognizable. Would it be strange to give her the password to my online journal and ask her to read that? It's easier than saying it aloud, but I'd still have to bear through sessions that would presumably incorporate some of the things I wrote, and I'm not sure I'm capable of that. This is going to sound beyond moronic, but I'm terrified of crying depending on what she brings up. I started priding myself on not crying or smiling with my teeth in front of others when I was ten and I haven't ever since. I'm not proud of many things and I can't lose that. I feel like I've exhausted every alternative to therapy and I'm so fucking frustrated I can't make this work.

I had every intention to b/p today
Created: Sun May 27 13:36:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mk58b/i_had_every_intention_to_bp_today/
But my boytoy called off sick and I can't. I was butthurt af about it this morning, but I'm so happy right now cause I'm not stuffing face nor am I hunched over a toilet.

I WILL NOT fall into a b/p obsession and this week I'm really gonna start trying to be healthier.

I don't wanna obsess over this shit anymore. It's seeping into my personal life and im 100 shades of over it.

I got down to 103 this week...part of me wants to hit 99 before I start REALLY trying to recover but I know how toxic that mindset is...

Now that I can tell how scrawny I am, I wanna maintain and work on being healthier, but its so apparent how addicting this disorder is once you actively want to stop. I feel like a drug addict. Any food at all makes me paranoid, and even a bite of something sweet makes me feel like I just ingested 1000 cals even though it was realistically only like 50.

Today I had like 2 bites of blueberry crumble, a bite if strawberry halo top, and like 2 ounces of honey mead (boytoy eats sweets like cray) and im cataloging that in my brain as like 400 cals even though its probably closer to between 150 and 200. Maybe less.

I feel so hopeless. And cause I think I ate close to maintenance yesterday...I feel like a fucking failure for even eating what I did today and im fucking ravenous cause my tum got to function for a mere 12 hours.

Also the shits. Ive been in and out of the bathroom all morning and I hate it.

Ranting. Dont mind me. I just needed to get my thoughts out. Blech.

Mom keeps looking at me
Created: Sun May 27 13:35:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mk4s7/mom_keeps_looking_at_me/

I'm trying to recover from my BED, which means normalized eating and not overthinking food too much. When I eat less healthy stuff like cookies and crackers, I'm not supposed to think so hard about it. My mom has this bag of animal crackers that I snack on every now and then. Every time she hears the crinkling of me opening the bag, she fucking looks at me. Every. Fucking. Time. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO irritating. She just makes me so self-consciouis and offput by it. I hate her. And I can tell that she knows it, because she doesn't do it as obviously as often, but she is so fucking shit at being subtle about it, the way she slowly turns her head to look. It infuriates me. I know it's such a little thing, but holyy fucking shit, mom, it doesn't help when you fucking stare at me every time I try to eat regularly (as in, no one looking at me as though I'm being judged). AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sorry for raging so hard. I just needed somewhere to rant. Fucking hell I hate my mom.

[Help] *Google's calories in a cup of cabbage*
Created: Sun May 27 13:30:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mk3ns/googles_calories_in_a_cup_of_cabbage/
Then proceeds to eat half a coffee cake.

I am so unhappy, you guys, and have nobody to talk to. I just needed to type this out
Created: Sun May 27 13:29:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mk3c5/i_am_so_unhappy_you_guys_and_have_nobody_to_talk/
Nobody knows about my eating disorder. I have some friends (like three or four) who know that I am depressed and that I have been wrestling suicide thoughts for a long time, but my ED is a secret, so to say, because I don't feel comfortable talking to them about stuff anymore- they also never really ask how I'm doing. They just don't give a shit. I had symptoms of a heart attack in the middle of the night not too long ago, texted two of them because I was scared and they said 'i need to sleep', 'get well soon' and 'how the fuck am i supposed to help you? stick it out'. I was scared shitless that I was having a heart attack because heart stuff runs in my family, i had intense chest pains, had trouble breathing and they told me to shut my mouth and let them sleep. I don't know why I'm telling you guys that, I guess I'm just hurt and angry.


I went to a huge festival yesterday. It was over 90F and I would've died wearing long clothes, so I got myself together and wore a short top and a high- waisted hotpants. It was the first time I had ever worn a top that showed my stomach, and the first time wearing hotpants in years. I was really happy about it yesterday. I liked that guys were looking at my ass, I liked to not be ashamed of some faded scars on my legs, I really did. But my friends took photos.

A friend of mine told me there were some really good pictures of me and they were incredibly ugly. I didn't smile on one of them, my body didn't look even near okay on one of them. They were full of ugly stares, my fat face, stomach rolls, stretch marks. And the fact that he thinks they were pretty? How ugly must I be for him to think that these were good pictures of me?

So, I kept looking through the dropbox with all the pictures and I just looked fat. There were no nice pictures of me, none with good posture, none where my stomach looked flat, none where my legs looked okay. They were ugly and fat. I was ugly and fat, because I am ugly and fat. Any other person I saw that was even bigger than me looked awesome, but as soon as I look at myself, I think it's ugly again. What the fuck.

I hate this. I hate how alone I am in this, I hate that I need to keep living for the sake of everyone who cares only about the role I possess in their lives, not for who I am. I hate that I have been living like this ever since I was 4. I hate that for some shit reason, destiny thought I hadn't experienced enough shit and had to dump an eating disorder on top of it. I hate my dad for causing it. I hate my friends for not caring about me. I hate myself for not being able to break out of it. I am sick of being this way.

I am sorry.

[Rant/Rave] 31st day of residential
Created: Sun May 27 12:47:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mjt7r/31st_day_of_residential/
I don’t know my weight but it’s in the triple digits again again. :(

I missed 3 months of school this year and spent 3 weeks in the hospital. I’ve been hitting emotional lows this entire time and I don’t even want recovery. I’m going to be in residential for another month or 2 since I’m so fucked up. I keep doin all my ed shit even in the treatment. I know calories in literally everything and I know how to play their system to still restrict. I don’t even know why exactly I’m writing this. I’m just sad that treatment doesn’t seem to be working at all for me. I feel just as anorexic and even more depressed than I did a month ago. It sucks because I’m going to have my birthday in fucking residential and aghhh. This is just a big ass rant because I’m not getting better I’m just gaining weight.

Ps I will be online for the next couple hours but after that I’ll be gone again since I’m not even supposed to have my phone. :(((

[Help] Help on breaking the b/p cycle?
Created: Sun May 27 12:44:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mjsbj/help_on_breaking_the_bp_cycle/
Everyday I promise myself I won't puke and everyday I break that promise. Any advice on techniques that have helped you stop?

[Rant/Rave] I just need someone to tell me they believe I can get through this week
Created: Sun May 27 12:43:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mjs4a/i_just_need_someone_to_tell_me_they_believe_i_can/
I have big exams Monday to Friday and between my ed and general laziness I am at a point where I may well fail some of them. I’m so overwhelmed right now holy fuck. Will I survive not sleeping for pretty much five nights? Who knows. Will I end up binging out of stress? Probably. At least I can chill tf out and start restricting again at the end of the week. Part of me wonders how much better id do in these exams if I didn’t spend so much time obsessing over my body and weight this school year.

I probably sound 13 rn but I’m 17. Any advice is welcome or just plain old telling me I can do this would be nice because it seems impossible right now. Despite there being no alternative.

[Other] Does Halo Top taste "healthy"?
Created: Sun May 27 12:37:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mjqsc/does_halo_top_taste_healthy/
It recently showed up in my country and I'm so excited, but it says "good source of protein" so I'm concerned.. Does it *taste* protein-packed? I wouldn't want whey-flavoured ice cream. Does it taste like "real" ice cream? Basically is it worth it.

And whats your favourite flavour. Thanks.

Eating disorder math and Where the fuck did it all go?
Created: Sun May 27 12:29:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mjot4/eating_disorder_math_and_where_the_fuck_did_it/
I woke up this morning thinking "Why is my heart beating like I didn't eat anything yesterday?" I mean I had like 90 calories worth of chicken, and 2 corn tortillas so that's 190 calories total, and then I burned 150 calories running, and was running around at work...

Then I realized that to my body, it was probably like I ate 0 calories. I was 116.5 lbs yesterday morning and I just weighed in at 114.8. What the fuck is even going on. I didn't even shit yesterday. Where did it go???

I officially fit into size 4 jeans and I have mixed feelings.
Created: Sun May 27 12:11:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mjkd1/i_officially_fit_into_size_4_jeans_and_i_have/
So today I was in the middle of doing the dishes when I noticed that there was a pair of jeans on top of the china cabinet that looked really cute. I looked at them and I was like, ew, size 4, i'm way too fat for that. But then I put them up against my body and they looked like they'd fit me perfectly, so I decided to just try them on and hurt my own feelings. But I fit into them perfectly and they look really cute on me and I've never felt this good in tight clothes before. Last time I went jeans shopping I was a size ten and I haven't worn jeans in over a year. So I'm really really excited and my mom even told me I could have them if I wanted them, so now they're mine!

I'm so happy I'm this skinny now, but also I feel like this is maybe telling of how sick I am. I've dropped 6 pant sizes in a year and a half. That's a whole pant size every three months if I'm consistent in my weight loss (which I'm not). And even more telling is that even though I know I'm at least a normal, fine weight now, I still want to lose more and feel skinnier. I don't see these jeans as a goal as much as I do a checkpoint on my way to becoming so morbidly skinny I think I might actually die before reaching my goal. I don't know why I can't just accept this win and wear the jeans and be happy without overthinking it like this and ruining it for myself.

Just some thoughts I had, I couldn't share on my peach because my phone is broken so I'm putting them here, idk.

[Help] Started welbutrin and I’m too afraid to eat
Created: Sun May 27 11:55:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mjgby/started_welbutrin_and_im_too_afraid_to_eat/
This is my third day taking 100 mg welbutrin. I know it’s too soon to tell how it’s affecting me but I’ve heard a lot of people say it suppresses appetite. Well I’m also like 60 hours into a fast and I think it is making food sound less appealing. It’s weird bc I still feel hungry at times but the thought of food and eating feels so gross, but I also love the sensation of eating so I still want to even tho the food doesn’t actually sound good.

I’ve hyped it up in my head that this med will kill my appetite and help me lose the last 5-10 lbs but since I haven’t tried eating I don’t know if I’ll go over board and eat a ton like usual when I break a fast or if I’ll get full quicker (hopefully) and eat less. I know I could try to eat something small but I will only allow myself to break my fast with heavy delicious food.

I’m also frustrated bc my weight is still the same despite fasting so much bc it’s super easy for me to eat three days worth of food in once sitting when I break a fast.
I’m just scared to eat and realize this med doesn’t actually affect my appetite and on top of that it’s just hard ending a fast in general.

I’m so so sad. I don’t want to be like this but I don’t want to stop. I want to eat but I want to starve.

Story of our fucking lives right

[Discussion] DAE watch Bravo Real Housewives and obsess over some of their bodies and/or wonder if they have an ED too
Created: Sun May 27 11:38:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mjbwv/dae_watch_bravo_real_housewives_and_obsess_over/

I'm so irrationally sensitive it's pissing me off.
Created: Sun May 27 11:29:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mj9p9/im_so_irrationally_sensitive_its_pissing_me_off/
Yesterday I got SO angry and sad at my boyfriend while we were play-wrestling, I was on top of him on an awkward position and he asked me to move because I was hurting him (fair), since I am "20lbs heavier than him". I corrected him, saying I had lost weight and was actually just 10 lbs heavier (In my defense, his bmi is like 16). He then jockingly shouted something in the lines of "Yeah, like I said, 50lbs heavier!" and I was so so pissed at this comment. Like, I know it was a joke and that I`m being stupid but ughhh why did he have to do that???? (he doesnt even know about my ed, why am i like this)

Interview for pro-ana
Created: Sun May 27 11:24:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mj8iq/interview_for_proana/
Hi all. For a school project, I am creating a short documentary on pro-ana websites/the glamorisation of eating disorders, and I would really like if someone is willing to give a small interview (via text, email or skype with identity hidden). I think that this is extremely important as giving voice to the people who use said sites. The person giving the interview can either support these websites or be against them. I am doing this documentary in order to come to a conclusion: should the government censor/criminalize these websites? Please let me know!

PS. I do not have a research-ethics board as I am not in university, however, I have permission from my school.

Created: Sun May 27 11:01:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mj2tg/recovery/
I feel so much better, I’m not sure how to describe it. I’m finally eating good foods just because I want to, and exercising because I like it. I’m still emotionally wack, but it’s a relief to not worry about this anymore! I’m so proud of myself for coming this far :-)

[Tip] if you're iron deficient or a chocolate addict i have a recipe for ya
Created: Sun May 27 10:47:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8miz6h/if_youre_iron_deficient_or_a_chocolate_addict_i/
not sure if this is actually yummy or if im at the point of thinking any food tastes good but essentially its \~200cal chocolate oatmeal.

take half a cup of quick oats, not sure about the exact amount of water but the oats should be completely submerged. i like my oatmeal on the watery side so you do you. pop that in the microwave for 1.5ish minutes then add 1\-2 tablespoons of plain cocoa powder \(fry's brand tastes best imo\). Stir it up real good and there ya go.

idk maybe its gross but i've been loving it. plus its somewhat filling, has a ton of fibre/water, & will give you energy and happiness \(because chocolate\) :\)\)

The bmi percentile thing of BBC is unhealthily addicting.
Created: Sun May 27 10:30:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8miv1t/the_bmi_percentile_thing_of_bbc_is_unhealthily/
So bbc.com has a calculator where it assumes your at what percentile you stand compared to the world and your country. I went from top 2% heaviest for my age group to bottom 5% and I was constantly checking it out. It really ties a sense of achievement to reaching a lower bmi.

[Tip] How to curb hunger? Lactose intolerance!
Created: Sun May 27 09:54:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mimmb/how_to_curb_hunger_lactose_intolerance/
Still hungry after restricting all day? Try drinking some dairy based protein when you're lactose intolerant. The nausea, bloating and intense diarrhoea will surely stop you from ever wanting to eat again!

[Rant/Rave] i think my "recovery" period was just an obsessive fitness/orthorexia phase
Created: Sun May 27 09:51:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8milwf/i_think_my_recovery_period_was_just_an_obsessive/
so i've been struggling with restriction/binge phases since i was a kid. about 3 years ago i relapsed bad into restriction and lost \~30lbs, then discovered veganism and fitness and thought i was recovering.

in the beginning maybe i was. i felt happy and was eating healthy foods to in good amounts. but then i became obsessed with achieving what society perceives as a "fit" body \(a big butt with flat abs\) and started weight lifting and running for hours a day. i was also eating to the point of discomfort every day. i HAD to eat a x amount of macros because i was scared that if i didn't all that exercise would be for nothing. eventually i started binge eating junk food which led to my recent relapse and quitting weight lifting. now i'm down 25lbs and im losing all that muscle i worked so hard for. it sucks.

i've realized that fitness was never about feeling good for me. i couldn't just exercise for the sake of enjoyment and health, it had to be either weights or running with a specific number in mind. and it was all about appearance. ughhh :/

[Rant/Rave] Hitting new lows (emotional, not on the scale)
Created: Sun May 27 09:16:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8midjm/hitting_new_lows_emotional_not_on_the_scale/
Possibly a long post, I apologize in advance. So, I wrestle with severe chronic pain every day and occasionally massage can take the edge off, but I can rarely afford it as often as I need so my partner massages my upper body when I ask. It's already very difficult to be shirtless around him, but yesterday I thought I may have done something bad to my scapular area because it felt especially painful so I had to take a picture of my bare back so I could look for inflammation. I saw the picture, and started having a breakdown. I made him clothes his eyes and put on my "comfort clothes" (those that fit when I weighed over 100lbs more) and covered myself up to my neck in a blanket because I have not felt so disgusting in a recent memory. I wanted to puke or run or something. In the photo you could see old stretch marks that wont go away and extra skin and bones sticking out, but no figure. It's not a thinspo body. It's not what people think when they think anorexia or 112lbs. My mind is such a messed up place. Sorry for the rant.

Tl;dr: just a breakdown over a bad photo of me. More restricting to come!

Food Diary
Created: Sun May 27 08:56:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mi8xv/food_diary/
I went over the rules and I think this is allowed but I’m sorry if it’s not.

So usually I just track what I eat on an app but I think writing it out and knowing people can actually see it would work better. So I’m just going g to update throughout the day. Also my goal is around 1000 calories for the day. I know that’s not a lot of restriction but I’m trying to ease myself.

It’s 9:30 here and I haven’t even gotten out of bed. Pretending to be asleep means I don’t have to eat. Although I heard the people I live with cooking earlier and they probably made me something to.

Update it was protein pancakes. They were small so I had 3. About 150.

HAES question
Created: Sun May 27 08:37:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mi4q4/haes_question/
So I’m laying here having my tri-daily inner frustration/rant dialogue about the health at every size thing, and I’m having a Keanu moment about it.

Because if they really think it’s possible to be healthy at every size can we just use the trope to say our underweight bodies/goals are acceptable and “healthy”? (I mean, I know they’re not but work with me!)

Like.. we goooood?

(And again it’s super frustrating because of course they would disagree considering all of the gripes and tropes about how even people in the lower-overweight categories are “too thin” to a lot of these people, so they don’t really believe in health at EVERY size. But if they DID would they technically be in our corner?)

Sorry I had to get this out of my head and somewhere else because it’s like a ping pong match is going on inside of my cerebellum right now 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Help] Ephedrine on it’s own? Taking it for the first time, too nervous to take it with caffeine.
Created: Sun May 27 08:37:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mi4po/ephedrine_on_its_own_taking_it_for_the_first_time/
Hi guys. Lately my ED has been telling me to “experiment.” Yesterday was bad, I restricted all day and ended up taking laxatives and psyllium husk which was not fun. Then I got drunk and binged and basically today I feel like shit, like I need to regain control. So my solution is to try ephedrine for the first time. I’ve read about and watched videos for ECA stacks and all that. I would be fine with it, but I am sensitive to stimulants. I used to have an addiction to adderall (probably was ED related) that was very severe. I am clean from that, but I don’t want to do an EC stack because I’m scared my heart can’t take it? I have a fear of fainting. My question is, is taking the E without the CA still effective? Will it still give me that good stimulant feeling? Also, what can I expect in general? People online make me think it is some sort of crazy hyper pill, I could be wrong though.

[Discussion] Does anyone else use pills? I take 2 Alli before eating. 37 mg of adipex aka phentermine in the morning when I get up.
Created: Sun May 27 08:16:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mi09m/does_anyone_else_use_pills_i_take_2_alli_before/

[Rant/Rave] Sorry Im so chatty lately. I'm the Vyvanse person who has stopped binging. Day 3 and Im up a pound?
Created: Sun May 27 08:09:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mhys0/sorry_im_so_chatty_lately_im_the_vyvanse_person/
This is just so frustrating, but I'll admit that I drank a liter of perrier at 4am when I woke up and that's unusual.

I'm still eating around 600\-800 cals per day of like lean protein and a quest bar or two, but I would think that at least not binging would make the weight go down and not up? Will there be a whoosh? I'm going to start eating under 500 and thank god for MFP and the general principals of CICO.

Any tips for keeping under 500 cal? I've done it before but it's been quite awhile. Vyvanse is helping.

I think I may take out the quest bars. They seem to always make me retain water like crazy.

Anxiety that only goes away when I eat
Created: Sun May 27 08:05:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mhxvi/anxiety_that_only_goes_away_when_i_eat/
Lately my anxiety has been getting extremely bad. I got a running injury and went from running at least 10 km 4 times a week to not moving at all (doctor's orders). My anxiety has been spinning out of control since. I get this extreme anxiety that only goes away when I eat. The anxiety makes me feel hungry, or it makes me feel like I have low blood sugar. It happens at night when I try to sleep. I am a recovered insomniac and the thought of my insomnia coming back makes me incredibly anxious. This anxiety causes the hunger, and the hunger keeps me up, causes me to stay awake, thus increasing my anxiety about not being able to sleep. For the last 2 weeks I've had to pull an all nighter 3 times, caused by hunger. Melatonin doesn't help anymore. Does anyone else experience anxiety that causes hunger? I used to be able to sleep on nothing but a little vegetable broth but lately my anxiety makes it impossible to sleep unless I just binged. I fucking hate myself and I hate that my life is spinning out of control. I have heavier sleep medication but that keeps me tired all day too, and I can't have that because my exam week at uni starts tomorrow, and I won't be able to concentrate.

Anyone else don't know what their 'normal' weight is because they have always been underweight?
Created: Sun May 27 07:34:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mhrmi/anyone_else_dont_know_what_their_normal_weight_is/
Like, even at my highest weight/healthiest time I was still below the 'healthy range'. I've lost quite some weight this school year (I'm 5'10, went from 54kg/119lbs to 48,5kg/117lbs and now 47kg/103,6lbs because I'm sick). I know that my weight is too low, but I just can't tell how bad it actually is. I'm so used to my reflection that I can't look at myself objectively. I feel relatively healthy and okay, but I might as well be destroying my body right now.

Please give me motivation not to binge!
Created: Sun May 27 07:08:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mhmpe/please_give_me_motivation_not_to_binge/
I have been binging lesser but I still find it really difficult not to binge. Anyone can tell me tips not to binge or motivation to continue not binging?

[Help] i weigh differently depending on where i stand on the scale and it’s freaking me out
Created: Sun May 27 06:46:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mhiyu/i_weigh_differently_depending_on_where_i_stand_on/
this morning i stepped on the scale, but i was a little farther up than normal. my scale has four metal circles in each corner. my heels were above the two bottom ones. the scale said 109.4. i weighed 106.0 yesterday, i know that it’s water weight, i KNOW. i still freaked out.

i got off and re-weighed myself, taking extra care to stand towards the bottom. it said 108.2. i re-weighed myself multiple times on different areas of the scale, and they all came out as 108.2. so yes, i’ll probably lose it all over the course of the day if i don’t eat until at least dinner, but i’m still miserable and now i feel like i can’t trust my scale.

i don’t know why the first time came out so high. does anyone else’s scale do this?

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 27, 2018
Created: Sun May 27 06:11:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mhd4d/daily_food_diary_may_27_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 27, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Sticky] Sunday: Share your favorite recipes!
Created: Sun May 27 06:11:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mhd4a/sunday_share_your_favorite_recipes/
Looking for memes? [Right this way~](/r/ProEDmemes)!

DAE think faces have genres?
Created: Sun May 27 06:01:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mhbif/dae_think_faces_have_genres/
That potentially affect how fat or skinny someone looks, or just how you'd judge someone for their perceived fatness? This is probably completely nonsensical, but I think there's a specific type of face that certain fat white girls have, like Amy Schumer, and Meghan Trainor, and Nikkietutorials minus the lip fillers, and if you have that face then being fat is simultaneously more expected and less acceptable. Or maybe I'm just speculating about that last part, but I do believe this 'genre' of face exists. (And unfortunately, I have it, so I must be as thin as possible to compensate.) Bodies overall have genres too - like the type of body that's really soft and skinny and weirdly pale and even-toned, like an uncooked loaf of bread, with no muscles, which always seems to be skinny, but if it does gain weight (I've seen it happen due to antipsychotics) the weight gain is weirdly even and even makes their fingers look swollen. Even though they're always skinny, and it suits them, I'm kinda glad I don't have a body like that. The amount of weight you'd have to lose not to look 'soft'... Idk, this probably doesn't explain anything. Feel free to remove this post if it's too irrelevant.

[Other] MyFitnessPal?
Created: Sun May 27 05:34:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mh7cd/myfitnesspal/
Hey there! I’m sure there’s already a post about this _somewhere_ in the sub, but I’ve been searching for a bit and haven’t found one with any recent activity.

Anyways, pretty straightforward here, but would anyone want to be friends on MFP? All of my current friends on there are from the days when MPA was actually useful socially (so it’s been _a while_), and have mostly stopped posting anything.

My username is the same there as it is here, just let me know where you’re coming from and I’d be happy to add you! Or drop your username below, and make some new friends!

[Help] Binged for 2 days and freaking out
Created: Sun May 27 04:37:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mgzm7/binged_for_2_days_and_freaking_out/
I know it probably seems really petty to some of you guys who suffer from real binges but it feels like a binge and I lost control.
Yesterday I had 2100 cal and today I had 2500 cal. I have a bunch of tests next week and it's my final year of school so I guess that's triggered it but I'm freaking out. I normally restrict to 1200 or less (if I can get away with it) because my family has rediculously large dinners at the table together so I can't avoid it, normally I just have 110 cal in the morning and don't eat until 7pm.
I'm so scared I'm gonna gain weight back. I NEED to be losing right now. Both my sisters got really fat during their final year of high school and I don't need that cos I'm a trans guy and I need to be thin so that I don't get girly looking fat.
How much damage have I done? Help

I like to pretend I have bulimia but I'm really a binge eater.
Created: Sun May 27 04:37:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mgzls/i_like_to_pretend_i_have_bulimia_but_im_really_a/
Today I had
A smoothie
Sesame cakes with hummus
Vegetarian Ruben
Pumpkin bar
An entire fucking pizza (veggie, no cheese extra sauce from papa johns)
Half a cheese bread
Two PBRs
2 Blonde Fatales
A small amount of fries and sauce from work.
Fiber one bar

Like holy fuck
I don't need to eat that much.
I don't need half of that.
"I'll never do it again. Today is the last day I do this" I tell myself.
*its all a big fucking lie*
And now I'm stressed out and expecting more binges because my idiot boss keeps stalking my reddit accounts and is asking me "what's up" *fuck off*

I hate myself. I'm mad at my life and who I have turned back into.

I used to have self control. One year ago I was retarded enough to believe I was recovered.

Look at me now.

I make my self sick. Literally sick.

I need to let out all these bottled up thoughts
Created: Sun May 27 04:25:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mgxyq/i_need_to_let_out_all_these_bottled_up_thoughts/
Long timer lurker, first time poster...

University stress has taken its toll, I used to be fit and 110lbs at 5'2" and even then I hated my self. Four weeks ago I pulled myself out of denial and weighted by self and to my absolute disgust I was 120lb.

There's noone I can talk to because I'm in the healthy BMI range so if I voice my concerns I always get "don't be silly you're not fat, you're slim!". Yeah right.

So I decided to stop whining and do something about it, I'm actually proud to say for the past four weeks I've dragged my sorry ass out of bed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and made my fat cry before a day of full on studying.

But that's not enough.

I tried eating the bottom limit of 1200 calories a day to loose weight healthy but I feel fat and disgusting eating that much. Like I actually feel the fat forming on my face (gain and lose weight on my face fist).

The only time I feel as though I've achieved something is when my calories are 800 and under.

But I still feel awful about myself.

I'm 114lbs now and I hate that this weightloss is so slow. Sometimes I wish I was over 200lb so the pounds would fall off faster. Sometimes I wish I was just half a foot taller so I could eat more and see less fat.

My exams are in the next two weeks. Everytime I study with my friends all I can think about are my wobbly arms and cellulite covered thighs. I look at their bodies and envy her flat stomach or her slender arms.

There's just so much going on in my head and I have noone to talk to about it so I came here hoping someone would understand.

I just want to be liked and be confident in myself but that won't happen :(

Thanks for reading guys.

I don't want to be sensitive, but I hate Chinese culture
Created: Sun May 27 03:56:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mgu1e/i_dont_want_to_be_sensitive_but_i_hate_chinese/
My mom's friend called me fat. He said I was skinny when he saw me at 12 years old. No shit dude, I'm not a prepubescent girl anymore. I know I'm fat af. I don't need you to let me know. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but I feel like just walking out of this dinner...

It shocks me how much this is 'working'.
Created: Sun May 27 01:49:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mgeex/it_shocks_me_how_much_this_is_working/
I'm losing weight. All my life I wanted to be pretty, and skinny, and to have a flat stomach. But exercising is so hard. And when it hit me that I could just eat less and exercise a little but still lose weight, I tried it. And by tried it I mean I discovered all this mess and fell in, but unfortunately it is 'working'. As in I am losing weight. And that feels so good that I can't see any reason to stop. Whoops.

Lying to Loseit app about my age?
Created: Sun May 27 01:44:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mgdsn/lying_to_loseit_app_about_my_age/
So I'm a minor, and when I entered my birthdate it told me I'm under 18 and so can't join. I fudged the info a bit and registered as being born in 2000, which really isn't *that* much difference? I mean, okay, it is, but still. I didn have the patience to log everything via pen and paper, so this is really convenient.

Idk why but I'm feeling this is a bit morally questionable.

[Discussion] How do you lose weight?
Created: Sun May 27 00:56:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mg7a8/how_do_you_lose_weight/
At your fastest/most rapid weight loss what were you doing to achieve that? I’ve been at 129 pounds for the longest time and I need advice

[Rant/Rave] Fuck summer
Created: Sun May 27 00:11:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mg12e/fuck_summer/
it's summer time in california and you know what that means;



I am fucking not.

It's so fucking ironic how i thought my eating disorder would enable to throw on a bikini and feel hot asf (or at least not repulsive) and have a good time because guess what!?

I turn heads. I DEFINITELY turn heads, but not in anyway i want to. Nobody envies me, nobody wants me. I look sick. people look at me with this mix of morbid curiosity and concern and it kills me. I feel so self conscious i could explode.

My hipbones and ribs stick out so far. I haven't got a lick of sex appeal. I can't even find any bottoms right enough to stay on my flat ass.

I know it's embarrassing for me, but it's embarrassing for whoever i'm with, too.

It just absolutely blows.

It's going to be 95+ degrees all next week and there's a lake two minutes away from my house and i won't be able to enjoy it at all because i look like a halloween decoration.

Fuck this. I want it to be winter again so i can hide my body in big sweaters and pretend i'm not a freak.

What’s something that your ED took from you? Is there anything that makes you wish you didn’t have an ED?
Created: Sun May 27 00:05:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mg05y/whats_something_that_your_ed_took_from_you_is/

[Help] LOWEST amount of calories (even with a low bmr) consumed to see results?!?
Created: Sat May 26 23:39:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfwhd/lowest_amount_of_calories_even_with_a_low_bmr/
Hey guys, fellow ED sufferer here. I've been restricting to 500-800 calories for more than a few months and I have lost weight but lately it's been SO SO hard and I haven't seen any results and it's killing ME! My GW is 115 lbs and I'm 5'7". Last month I was around 125 and now at night I'm in the 30's?!?! I shouldn't of weighed myself at night bc it's probably water weight but it's killing me inside and I'm about to start cutting myself again.

So please, what's the SURE amount of calories you can consume that with even a super low BMR you can still lose weight? 500 doesn't seem to cut it. I do binge sometimes but not enough for me to gain 5 or 10 pounds. Please help me!!

I wish my boyfriend understands how hard it is for me to make changes and accept my anorexic condition because it is hard for me now.
Created: Sat May 26 23:30:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfv47/i_wish_my_boyfriend_understands_how_hard_it_is/
because of my condition, it is making us draw apart from each other. i am crying everyday now continuously and his words are not helpful to me at all.

my pain is real. i need to feel safe and understood. i just want to stop crying randomly and feeling so confused, emotionally tired, and weak. i just want to be ignorant, happy, and free of any illness. why is it to hard to be strong , normal, and healthy like the rest?

[Help] Tips for eating on vacation?
Created: Sat May 26 23:12:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfsb0/tips_for_eating_on_vacation/
I’m travelling to a different province for the week and I have been stressing out about how to keep eating at a deficit while staying in a hotel. We won’t have access to a fridge or stove etc so that naturally means there will be lots of restaurants. I am planning on hitting up the grocery story there on the first day for any fruits or snacks that can be kept outside of a fridge but I am panicking that I’m going to end up over eating and gaining weight that I have worked hard to lose.

Any tips and recommendations you guys have are much appreciated

Food is my only thought
Created: Sat May 26 23:03:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfqxa/food_is_my_only_thought/
Since I’ve come home, my ability to restrict has gone down the toilet. At University I’m able to distract myself and keep the food I want around me (non bingeable) and I’m in control.

At home I’m surrounded by great bingeable food and it’s literally all I think about whether I’m fasting, eating a mea, finishing or starting, or just sitting. I literally can’t stop thinking about snacking. I’ve lost the ability to just stop. Thinking. About. Food.

am I trying to restrict too low so I’m extremely tempted by plain things, even like yogurt? What is going on? Tips?

[Help] TMI but how to deal with no sex drive?
Created: Sat May 26 22:54:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfpic/tmi_but_how_to_deal_with_no_sex_drive/
I know this is TMI but so is everything I write here, and i figure some of you must experience the same thing. My sex drive is totally, totally dead. It was never huge to begin with but now I have no interest at all. The idea of taking off my clothes and having to interact with my body is a total non starter for me and I’m guessing my hormones are also all screwed up. I’ve also been in a really stressful point in my life recently with a lot of transitions which isn’t helping either. But I have a really great SO of several years that would have sex five times a day if he could, and I know our lack of a sex life is killing him. He told me today that he doesn’t know if he can do this anymore. And I totally understand that but I also can’t seem to force myself to just do it. I don’t want to lose him but I also don’t want to do it just for his benefit. Does anyone have advice? Sorry again for such a weird question.

[Discussion] how much weight do you lose when you cut your hair
Created: Sat May 26 22:34:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfmcf/how_much_weight_do_you_lose_when_you_cut_your_hair/
i have relatively thick hair (for someone who lost a shit ton thanks to ednos) and i cut it. it probably won’t make any different but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

A note in "Wintergirls" and my small response
Created: Sat May 26 22:33:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfm6n/a_note_in_wintergirls_and_my_small_response/

[Discussion] DAE walk a lot as exercise?
Created: Sat May 26 22:18:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfjek/dae_walk_a_lot_as_exercise/
I've been spending quite a bit of my free time this summer just walking around my city. I try to hit at least 10k steps a day (as recorded by my iPhone's pedometer), but 25-30k is ideal tbh. It's compulsive, time consuming, and leaves me with joint/hip discomfort but then again I find it kind of relaxing? It's nice to put on a podcast and zone out for a while. Also the relatively high calorie burn makes me feel better about eating maintenance so idk :/

[Rant/Rave] The highlight of my day is updating my weight on every app I use.
Created: Sat May 26 22:12:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfiag/the_highlight_of_my_day_is_updating_my_weight_on/
When I'm losing weight, the best part of my day is recording a loss on all of the 10,000 apps I use. I feel like I use more than one app just so I can prolong the satisfaction, lol. I also use Instagram and post a daily weight update, then change my flair for this sub. It's really sad that this is the happiest thing in my life at the moment, but it's good motivation.

This is also why I refuse to consume a single drop of water or food, MUST pee beforehand, and have slept a minimum of 8 hours before I'll weigh in. Just so I can get the most accurate reading possible. It's madness.

[Rant/Rave] I hate posted calorie counts
Created: Sat May 26 22:01:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfg9a/i_hate_posted_calorie_counts/
I was having a good day today and feeling really strong and for some reason an Egg Mcmuffin felt very safe??? But when I went to order the calorie counts everywhere were so fucking triggering and borderline disturbing.
I wish I could just eat without feeling like shit.

I have to rant about my new CW!
Created: Sat May 26 21:57:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mffiy/i_have_to_rant_about_my_new_cw/
So, I just got to weigh myself with a scale, and it says 110 lbs!! At my height (5'4"), that makes my BMI 18.9, so close to underweight!!! :D I am so god damn happy but no one would understand - my bf immediately walked out and said "Yup, you're gaining weight" after I told him. Honestly want to push harder to get those few pounds to be counted as underweight, but I'm afraid he's gonna be paying closer attention now. I know an 8 pound difference isn't much, but seeing 110 vs 118 is something I didn't expect!!

I got a scale, new CW!!
Created: Sat May 26 21:46:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfdmw/i_got_a_scale_new_cw/

[Other] My eating disorder gave me gallstones
Created: Sat May 26 21:43:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfd45/my_eating_disorder_gave_me_gallstones/
After months of switching between heavy restriction and binging, I started to get this intense, horrible pain in my stomach that would radiate to my chest and my back. Turns out I gave myself gallstones from my incredibly healthy eating habits! I had to get it removed 2 weeks ago. At least my body can’t handle any fattening food at all because I also have IBS, so I’ve been losing weight steadily. Can’t help but feel annoyed at the fact that I damaged an organ so badly that it had to be removed just because of my eating disorder. Oh well! At least I’m losing weight!!

GUYS. (I had no scale before)
Created: Sat May 26 21:31:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mfayj/guys_i_had_no_scale_before/

[Rant/Rave] Is anyone terrified restricting won’t work?
Created: Sat May 26 21:17:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mf86g/is_anyone_terrified_restricting_wont_work/
I have started a nasty habit of weighing myself everyday and it’s messing with my head. I restrict on the days I can, but there are a few days a week that I can’t get away it. So I eat 1000-1400 on the weekends to make it seem like I always eat like that. On the weekdays I eat 600-700.

I just feel like the scale barely moves and I am so freaked out it won’t work and I’ll be fat forever. I also workout an hour every single day. Am I losing my mind? Does anyone else panic over this?

[Help] Tips? Advice? Help? I'm so sad y'all
Created: Sat May 26 20:15:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mewne/tips_advice_help_im_so_sad_yall/
Hello, hello. im struggling so much, I really need some help.

So, I've had eating disorders for years, now. I was about 90 pounds maybe 3.5 years ago. Lots of restricting, lots of depression. Then I flew into binge eating once I 'recovered'. Now I'm about 140 pounds. Y I K E S. I feel awful, so uncomfortable, no confidence, avoiding mirrors. The whole deal. I've tried offing myself twice, and I had to go on medical leave from school.

Anyway, I've been starting to restrict again. I'm so so depressed. I wanna be back down to like 110 pounds. Is it doable? Please, none of this is useless, right? Like it's possible to go back down to that weight? I've lost a lot of hope.

New favorite snack
Created: Sat May 26 20:12:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mew44/new_favorite_snack/
Take a pickle sandwich slice and drizzle a healthy amount of Sriracha and some lite sour cream over it. I'm stoned for the first time in a long time and I'm craving everything. It might not actually be good but I really enjoyed it.

help tw:puke
Created: Sat May 26 19:32:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8meobj/help_twpuke/
i just found a puke bag under my bed that's had to have been under there for two weeks
i'm living with my parents currently and i'm not sure how to get rid of it ): help help

[Rant/Rave] I said Hey! What’s going on?
Created: Sat May 26 19:25:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8memwt/i_said_hey_whats_going_on/
Y’all I’m 35 currently visiting my mother for the weekend. My 12 year old son is with me. I’m drunk af and baked out of my head. I just broke up with my boyfriend.. an old flame is offering to put a down payment on a house for my son and me. Oh my ex just got married. I’m like a country western music video without any tits or ass. You all are so supportive.. I’m relapsing within my relapse and IDGAF. Oh and fuck relationships. I’m gonna try this sugar daddy thing out and see how it goes 🤷‍♀️

I just want to be the skinniest person in the room.
Created: Sat May 26 18:26:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mebd4/i_just_want_to_be_the_skinniest_person_in_the_room/
This is sort dumb and really weird, but I have this weird obsession with being the thinnest person in any room I walk into. I spend so much time guessing weights and comparing myself and I just feel like a huge weirdo for doing it.

Favorite gum?
Created: Sat May 26 18:07:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8me7em/favorite_gum/
I dont know about you guys but I live off of sugar free gum. Anybody have a favorite flavor/brand? Really enjoying strawberry smoothie ice cubes rn.

Tips for not binging
Created: Sat May 26 18:07:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8me7ba/tips_for_not_binging/
Anybody else end up binging while dieting because all you can think about is your current weight so u just say fuck it without thinking for a second this is only making it worse? Anyone with success beating this mindset have tips on how to overcome it?

[Rant/Rave] Today I won a battle
Created: Sat May 26 17:58:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8me5fp/today_i_won_a_battle/
I’ve been in active recovery a little over a year now (I hit a year on May 15). My therapist has been amazing and so supportive, never making me feel like I failed or like shit if I took a few steps back. A few weeks ago, I decided to stop counting calories and try intuitive eating. I was fucking terrified. I knew I was going to gain weight - and I did. 6 fucking pounds. I shouldn’t have weighed. I told myself I was done with the scale but my pants were a little tight, mainly because of pms bloat. It even accounted a little bit for the higher number on the scale. But there’s never a logical reason for us right? Anyway, I talked to her about it yesterday and decided to throw out the scale. I did it. Today I tossed my scale in the garbage where it belongs. Because I’m sick of being tied down to a number. Even though I am overweight (thanks b/p!) I don’t want to do it anymore. I need to lose about 20 pounds to be in a healthy weight range. But I don’t care. I’m okay. I don’t have high blood pressure or diabetes. My heart and cholesterol are perfect. For now, I’m going to put every bit of energy into recovery. I’m finally ready to 100% commit. I was still scared and unsure before yesterday. But today I said fuck you.

I also got rid of all the clothes I’d been holding on to. I’d always buy smaller clothes because I told myself I’d restrict until I fit them. That never worked though, because I binged a lot. I’m currently a US size 10. That seems a huge way from the size 2 I dreamed of, and used to be. But today I donated all the clothes that make me feel like shit. All the things I’d been holding to are gone. I finally let go of the idea that I’ll starve myself into them. Maybe one day I’ll be a 2. Maybe my weight WILL settle like my therapist says it will without counting calories and exercising like I should. But for now I’m content with my size. I bought a ton of new clothes that make me feel good at my current size. Today I won.

Thanks if you made it this far!
TL;DR: I finally said fuck you to my ED and stopped counting and stopped weighing and gave away all of my clothes I was restricting to fit into.

[Goal] plans once at goal weight
Created: Sat May 26 17:57:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8me5bq/plans_once_at_goal_weight/
I posted this on peach but I thought I'd get a wider audience's views.

When you are at your goal weight what kind of diet and exercise regimen do you want to employ to maintain?

Created: Sat May 26 17:53:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8me4ea/androgyny/
I think I'd really like a certain physique that would be described as sort of androgynous—like, skinny and flat-chested and without a large butt or something, but probably with a defined waist. I hated hated hated getting breast growth during puberty, even when people said it was attractive to have breasts or whatever.

Disclaimer-ish: I guess this is all because of my ED, so I don't really want to say I'm nonbinary or anything. I guess [this](http://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3339658-anyone-relate-feel-this-way-gender-wise/) MPA thread sums up what I'm saying. I'm too hesitant to call it related to gender identity in any way since to me it seems more like, idk, an aesthetic choice born of my ED or something. I'm not sure; I guess this gender stuff is complicated.

DAE relate?

[Rant/Rave] I can’t decide what I want. Why am I such a bitch?
Created: Sat May 26 17:51:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8me423/i_cant_decide_what_i_want_why_am_i_such_a_bitch/
*me in my head when my boyfriend tells me that I need to eat, that I’m a perfect weight where I am and expresses concern about my eating habits *

“Um, excuse me, don’t tell me what to do, I’ll eat when I want to, he needs to just leave me alone, stop bossing me around”

*me in my head when my boyfriend finally realizes that lecturing me about eating wont help me and shuts up*

“What the FUCK does he want me to be unhealthy?!? does he even care that I’m sick?!? Does he want me to lose more weight????”

like if he acts concerned I get mad cause I want to restrict but if he stops bc he knows I’m a lost cause I get pissed cause I feel like he doesn’t care about me

lol why am I like this

[Rant/Rave] Too Fat to Have an ED
Created: Sat May 26 17:45:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8me2tq/too_fat_to_have_an_ed/
So there's this friend of mine, let's call her Gina. I told Gina forever ago that I had an eating disorder: bulimia. I totally forget that I had told her and had no idea that she knew anymore. Now I'm overweight, I won't lie, but I've had bulimia for about 4 or 5 years now.
Anyway, couple of months ago, I showed Gina my research essay on eating disorders and had her look at it to see if I had any errors. After reading about a page of 10, she looks up at me and goes, "Don't you have bulimia?".
I kinda stared at her and said, "Yeah, how'd you know?"
She said, "You've told me."
I said, "Oh, I forgot, sorry." She kept reading and that was the end of it. In the paper I listed all of the side effects and everything on the majority of eating disorders.
I texted Gina again last night because she had missed me at a meeting and was wondering if I was okay. I said, "No, not really."
She said, "What's wrong?"
I said, "Not really sure how to put it... but I had an argument with someone and I basically told them to stop talking to me. And the whole thing made me feel sick, so to keep from puking, I haven't eaten today, so I feel a bit weak and shaken up and that's pretty much the majority of it."
She replied back to that and NEVER mentioned the fact that I hadn't eaten or had to keep from puking. So that's why I feel that my eating disorder is invalid, no one would even care if I was a stick. But that's my motivation: to get so thin that people worry about me, people start to care. Because when you're fat? Your eating disorder isn't real enough to make anyone want to help you. At least not when you're me.

Trying to be ok with weight fluctuation
Created: Sat May 26 17:19:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdxec/trying_to_be_ok_with_weight_fluctuation/
Yesterday I weighed myself after coming home and was 127 \(checked 3 times lol\).

I ate some carrots \+ hummus as a snack and chugged a few cups of water\- was then 128.

Ate dinner \+ drank more water. The scale then said 131.

I didn't eat anywhere near enough calories to gain anywhere near that much... water is heavy but it's still frustrating, lol

I work in a supermarket and the food attitude of some kids just scares me...
Created: Sat May 26 17:12:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdvqg/i_work_in_a_supermarket_and_the_food_attitude_of/
And the parents' is just shocking. This really isn't meant to be judgemental, I get how busy parenting must be but it's pretty horrifying the effect shitty food can have on a kids behaviour. Things I saw today alone include:

* A young girl literally snatching a cupcake from her mum, multiple times and with a lot of effort, because she couldn't wait to get out of the shop. The mum didn't seem very fazed.
* Another kid grabbing at the chocolate bars his dad was buying him being told "no, you must eat your pastry first" \(It was a fucking croissant\)
* SO. MANY. children who would just grab and demand for sugary shit off the tills and just bought it to pacify them.
* A child literally crying when being told no.

If I ever have kids I'm determined this won't be the norm for them, that they won't constantly expect a sugar rush. Fuck corporations for exploiting this for money. It's so sad.

My absolute saviour
Created: Sat May 26 17:03:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdtuw/my_absolute_saviour/
So this weekend my parents are up visiting me, and I've been freaking out because my sister has been wanting to take us to this amazing curry restaurant where I didn't know how to disguise that I'm not eating much, so I just prepared to overeat and then work it off in the next week.

Well I accidentally solved my own problems entirely, by taking a chance on a hot curry. Turns out it was so spicy that all I could manage was about 1/4 of the curry with a couple spoonfuls of rice, and between the insane burning and how much my stomach has shrank I genuinely felt too full after it.

And now I have the leftovers from it, which will probably last me 3-4 days of food because of how hot it is. Nightmare situation turned into a win!

Introdusing Myself
Created: Sat May 26 16:56:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mds69/introdusing_myself/
Hello everyone. I don't really know what I'm doing here. I'm just kinda scared I think. So I'm just gonna give some background on myself, if anyone is interested.

Back in high school my eating disorder started after I had accidentally stumbled on some tips online at the start of summer. I don't really remember how I got there but I remember trying a few of them. I had always been an extremely overweight, probably at times obese, kid. I don't think there has ever been a time I haven't hated my body. That summer I lost a ton of weight but I hadn't actually noticed it. We didn't have scales in my house to check and I had a weird habit of buying clothes that were too big for me. I think I was afraid of wearing too tight clothes. Anyways once I got back to school EVERYONE noticed how thin I was. Everyone commented on it. I was addicted. I still hated the way I looked but every day I got to hear "You lost so much weight!" I kept changing, I chopped off my long hair, had my braces taken off and pierced my bellybutton. I had even started a super intense workout session. I would wake up at around 3 every morning to run 5 miles. I lived in an extremely rural area and could sneak out easily. Then I would get home before my family in the afternoons and run another five. Right before dinner I ran my last five. But this didn't last forever. My senior year I lost some toxic people in my life - thank GOD!- and I got really busy with school and stuff. I had started to gain weight, maybe 10-15 pounds. That seriously sucked. I went form 112- my lowest weight- to about 125-130 by the time I graduated.

Starting college, I couldn't keep up with my diet and exercising. I just started eating what wanted- a huge mistake. See I live in the South. We like our food deep fried and mac and cheese is considered a vegetable. Ya'll I gained so much weight. I'm about to go into senior year of college and I now weight around 150. I'm honestly not positive because I recently moved and scale got lost in the move. I'll get around to buying a new one soon. I have access to the gym on campus but I just hate going. I hate working out. I know I should love it because it truly is a healthy thing but I don't. And to make matters worse all my friends love working out- running, yoga, weight lifting, cycling. Ugh. They're all skinnier than me to which is super embarrassing in our major.

I don't think I ever really recovered from my ED. I never saw anyone for it at least. I've also never felt good about my body. I've yo-yo'd back and forth between eating like a normal person, overeating, and eating the way I did in high school.

I think I'm going to end this with I HAVE to lose weight. I have to do anything I can. I've eaten yogurt, a small cheese platter- kinda like a lunchable- and some apples with peanut butter. It's almost dinner time. I'm so hungry I just getting pissed off. Let's just see how today ends....

[Discussion] DAE feel repulsed by thinspo?
Created: Sat May 26 16:26:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdlc8/dae_feel_repulsed_by_thinspo/
I hope this isn’t too controversial, but I’ve never really felt motivated by thinspo. I never looked at it and thought “wow I want to look like that someday.” I always thought it was gross and repulsive. I never got the appeal of it because there’s bound to be thin ppl. I grew up around a lot of thin ppl. I don’t really feel jealous of them anymore because I know I’ll get to that point eventually if I work towards it. I do miss the privileges of being thin though.

ED Is Starting To Become An Actual Person In My Head Because I'm Pathetic and Lonely
Created: Sat May 26 16:06:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdgtg/ed_is_starting_to_become_an_actual_person_in_my/
I feel like if I wasn't so alone or lonely all the time, that maybe I wouldn't actually obsess over food so much. Now I feel like my ED has taken on a personality of its own and although she's abusive and isolating, she's the only friend I have.

I remember being 12-years-old and making up stories about my "best friend", I made up his personality, his likes and dislikes, even his parents and how they were, where they lived, how often I saw them, etc. I was such a lonely kid that I had to make up a friend so my dad didn't feel bad for me. And that followed me for a long long time.

Anyone who was nice to me, I'd grow unhealthy attachment to. Even if I never saw them again, I'd think about them constantly. I'd play Teen Second Life and made friends there, friends I still think about to this day, 10 years later.

This feels just like that in a lot of ways. I feel like a really lonely kid all over again and my ED is my imaginary friend and she hates me but she's all I have.

[Rant/Rave] Pool Season 😅
Created: Sat May 26 16:03:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdgam/pool_season/
I have to vent right now. Our apartment pool opened today. I decided it would be good for me to get out of the house and get some sun. No. No. No. never again.

A bunch of kids and their moms that were clearly whispering about me, while I stayed in my tank top and pants, covered up...sweating away...

Finally said screw it once my anxiety calmed down a bit, kept my tank top on but took off my flowy pants...only to be pissed about my cellulite and fat being way more visible in the sunlight. I feel so disgusting. I ended up leaving. Now I just want to go eat a cheeseburger and hate myself even more :))))) Please give me the strength to not screw this weekend up. Also, shark week is coming and I just want banana bread and chocolate chip cookies. Fuck.

[Rant/Rave] i think my ED stems from being abused as a child
Created: Sat May 26 16:03:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdg7l/i_think_my_ed_stems_from_being_abused_as_a_child/
I've always wondered why i felt so screwed up mentally from a young age \(earliest recollection of extreme OCD/anxiety and binge eating was like age 8 \). Then one day a few years ago my parents broke into my apartment and disrespected and insulted my SO and I. Oh also the next day they lied to the cops that I was threatening suicide and nearly got me locked up in a psyc ward \(they really don't like my schooling path, SO, and the fact that I moved out @ 18\). Everything clicked after that and I realized that they were never normal healthy parents and that they were emotionally and physically abusive all along.

Well here I am at age 22, still extremely fucked up and unable to live a healthy happy life. Thanks mom and dad :'\)

(PCOS) I've never felt like a "real" woman...
Created: Sat May 26 16:02:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdg1n/pcos_ive_never_felt_like_a_real_woman/
I was born female and I identify as one, but my whole life I've been shamed by my family and peers for not being feminine enough. This was a huge reason I developed an eating disorder 7 years ago, shortly after hitting puberty.

I hated the fact that I had a period but no curves or feminine features to indicate my womanhood. Why didn't I develop breasts and hips? Why wasn't I interested in socializing, dating, fashion, girly things? After I met my first boyfriend, the people in my immediate family said they were shocked because they always thought I was gay. Literally just because of the way I looked/acted.

In reference to my body, I was always called "big-boned", "stocky", "linebacker", "brick house". My calves were "like tree trunks". I remember being measured for gym clothes in junior high and as the coach stretched the tape measure across my back she gasped, "Wow, these are footballer's shoulders."

No matter how much weight I lose, I can't change my frame. I can never make these comments untrue. I'm just not built like a girl and it's too late for that to change. I can't afford to enhance my body in any way. Maybe someday I'll be able to feel like a woman and will be able to embrace a body that isn't completely emaciated.

Maybe... But not likely.

[Discussion] The Power to Always Be Thin
Created: Sat May 26 15:46:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdcf5/the_power_to_always_be_thin/
I read this post that mentioned a hypothetical where you'd have the magical power of "always being healthy no matter what you ate" and my first thought was "But if I was always the same weight, I'd have no control over anything," which made me realize my ED is more about control and a sense of accomplishment than how I look.

I was just wondering if it was similar for other people or if other people would be perfectly happy just being thin.

[Tip] Tips to handle low-key bingy days?
Created: Sat May 26 15:43:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mdbop/tips_to_handle_lowkey_bingy_days/
Idk if this is normal ed behaviour or if I'm just fucked, but somedays I have this nagging hunger-like feeling that keeps me nibbling all the time. It's not a full-blown frenzied binge, but I still tend to eat over my limit :( just today I had:
-half a cup of cubed honeydew melon
-a small bergamot
-600-700kcal of a fudgy like thing
-300kcal of cheesy bread
-I also c&s a slice of diet orange cake

And now I feel so fucking bloated!!! And my family will probably make me eat dinner with them lmao kill me

What’s your favorite thing to order at Starbucks?
Created: Sat May 26 15:31:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8md92y/whats_your_favorite_thing_to_order_at_starbucks/
Venti Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte is my go-to.
It’s 110 calories, and 10 grams of protein, no fat, 17 carbs. If I want a few extra carbs, I’ll add a pump of white mocha. Other than that, cold brew with coconut milk and sweet n low. I’m a big fan of iced drinks.

At home I just drink black coffee but I usually treat myself once a week :)

What are your favorites?

Anyone else just forgot who he/she was before the ED?
Created: Sat May 26 15:30:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8md8vy/anyone_else_just_forgot_who_heshe_was_before_the/
Like i can't even remember who i was. The way i ate, went about my day etc. Now it's just filled up with food food food all day long. I was obese before my ED, but i was generally happy. I had hobbies and goals, intrest in my studies. As soon as my obsession with losing weight started, that all got thrown at the window. I started skipping classes so i could buy my low calorie safe foods. Food dominates my entire existing :(. Like i used to do IF without even knowing it. I hated to eat in the morning. Now i go to sleep dreaming about my oatmeal breakfast. Life's crazy

As ridiculous as it sounds, I'm envious of people who have to hide their disordered eating from concerned friends and family.
Created: Sat May 26 15:17:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8md5qa/as_ridiculous_as_it_sounds_im_envious_of_people/
When I was restricting successfully, my family knew I ate my first and only meal of the day, which was two slices of toast and skim milk, at five in the afternoon. It took them months to notice, but when they did, they were perfectly fine with it. Despite knowing about my so\-called strict diet, my father pointed at an obese woman while berating me for not making a schedule daily and said the only reason my laziness hasn't caused me to look like her is because I'm young and my metabolism is still fast. I've switched to fasting for most of the week and it doesn't concern them whatsoever. This weird desire to have people try to stop my self\-destructive behavior is probably indicative of a huge martyr complex, but it keeps rearing its head no matter how hard I try to squash it. I want to be the kind of pragmatic person who'd thrive on their indifference and see it as liberating, but I'm not and sometimes I doubt I'll ever be. Most of my idiotic "I have a girlfriend who loves me" fantasies end up revolving around Imaginary Girlfriend™ consoling me or begging me to gain weight. I feel like a disgusting little attention seeker trying to earn a poor imitation of love through self\-immolation.

My SO Is Working Hard To Lose Weight And My ED Won't Let Me Be Happy For Him
Created: Sat May 26 15:12:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8md4ja/my_so_is_working_hard_to_lose_weight_and_my_ed/
My SO is overweight and has been for a while. When I first met him, it was due to depression because of his ex, now he's gained more since me being with him because he's happy and likes the food I cook. I don't care, I don't necessarily notice it on him because to me, he looks great and I love him no matter what.

But now he's trying lose weight and keep track of what he's eating and I should be happy for him because I want him to get healthy and have more energy to do things. Diabetes and high blood pressure runs in his family so losing weight to counter that only makes sense.

On the outside, I'm super supportive and loving because he deserves that but on the inside my competitive ED is screaming at me that I need to lose more, too. AND FASTER than he does because otherwise he'll get down to a healthy weight and all these hot girls will flock to him and he'll leave me for someone hotter.

His friend made the same joke drunkenly that my SO is gorgeous when he's at a lower weight and I'll have to watch out because girls will try to get at him.

This made me panic because I'm not the prettiest person there is. My face is crooked and I have adult acne (super fun) But I can be the skinnier than them a d I'm just so disappointed in myself.

He's doing this to be healthy, not to attract other women. But my ED is screaming at me to lose more weight because he'll leave me if I don't.

TL;DR: SO is trying to losing weight to get healthy and my ED is screaming at me to lose more so he doesn't leave me for someone skinnier.

Depression and anorexia
Created: Sat May 26 15:00:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8md1ko/depression_and_anorexia/
For a week or so now I have lost my appetite due to depression. This has happened before and got me to my lw (and to being suicidal). I have been doing much better since, I eventually forced myself to start eating things I used to love while watching tv or otherwise distracted and gained a little weight and my appetite came back, and with it my will to live. Of course with the gain came a surge in ED thoughts, b/p, I lost a little gained a little. But I was me again. Now I've been feeling the hunger and active ED thoughts and behaviour going away BUT I won't let myself eat since I'm not hungry. It's not that I haven't eaten for a week or how long it'll go on, it's that I know when people are like this a common depression survival instinct is to just eat a little, or things that are easy. And I can't but I know it'll make me worse. I haven't explained it well but can Anyone relate?

Like 3 people at work mentioned my weight today... (SH warning)
Created: Sat May 26 14:57:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8md10o/like_3_people_at_work_mentioned_my_weight_today/
I don't know which I want more:
1. Cut myself
2. Binge
Fuck summer lmao

[Rant/Rave] Ended up in an ambulance for the first time today.
Created: Sat May 26 14:57:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8md0wx/ended_up_in_an_ambulance_for_the_first_time_today/

Been severely restricting \(\<300 a day\) for the past couple weeks and fasted yesterday. Also recently quit taking Zoloft due to fear of weight gain. Turns out this was all a stupid idea because I ended up passing out in the street and my limbs started to seize. I guess I somehow thought that because I'm overweight fasting wouldn't cause me too many health issues but clearly I was wrong. Stay safe out there folks and don't quit SSRI's cold turkey!

[Rant/Rave] Finally underweight! 💕
Created: Sat May 26 14:56:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8md0om/finally_underweight/
I weighed in at 118.8 lbs today, which is an 18.3 BMI for me :’) I don’t think I look “underweight” really, but I don’t absolutely hate my body either.

Also my UGW is 3.8 lbs away (gotta update flair lol) and I think I’ll actually be happy maintaining at that?? Lol that’s kind of a shocking concept to me, but also v exciting! :D

It’s a beautiful day and my ED has me cooped up inside
Created: Sat May 26 14:35:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mcvq6/its_a_beautiful_day_and_my_ed_has_me_cooped_up/
Currently it is 85 degrees and sunny where I live which is a beautiful contrast to the 50 degrees and rainy it has been for the last 2 weeks. I woke up this morning excited at the prospect of going for a hike or a walk around the neighborhood at the very least.

I had breakfast with my boyfriend and when I brought up hiking or walking he just brushed me off and said maybe we could go to the mall or to the movies. I told him it was too nice and I wanted to spend the day doing something active outside and I didn’t appreciate him ignoring that I wanted to walk. He kind of gave me this look and said, “well yesterday your therapist said you need to gain weight and that sounds like exercise and I can’t let you do that.”

I get that he’s worried but I’ve been eating a 2,000 to 2,500 calorie meal plan for a week now and I AM gaining! Plus I do more walking for work than I would doing on a walk or a hike, and we’re going out to celebrate a birthday party tonight so I know I’m not going to lose weight just from going on a walk. I don’t know it’s just so frustrating that I know he’s just doing what my therapist told him to do which is make sure I don’t exercise but I don’t think a walk is really going to push me over the edge. So now im pacing around outside so I can at least get some daylight before we spend the rest of the afternoon/night in a restaurant while he sits inside on his phone

[Help] DAE get sore skin when they're bloated?
Created: Sat May 26 14:23:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mct0s/dae_get_sore_skin_when_theyre_bloated/
So idk if this is my messed up head or if it's actually real, but does anyone else ever experience tenderness or soreness on the skin on their stomach when very bloated?
I've noticed recently whenever I binge or if I'm just generally very very bloated the skin on my tummy is sore to the touch.
Is it just me being crazy? Or do others get this too?

[Rant/Rave] My counselor mother went on a course about EDs
Created: Sat May 26 14:14:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mcqow/my_counselor_mother_went_on_a_course_about_eds/
She's been telling me all these stats and facts about how long it takes for people to receive help for their EDs, and how hidden non restrictive EDs can be, completely oblivious to the fact that I'd purged literally 20 minutes before this conversation. I'm caught between being scared that her increased knowledge of eating disorders will led to me getting 'caught', and really wanting exactly that to happen... She keeps bringing it up because she's passionate about her job and sharing new things she's learned, and I have no way to make her stop without raising suspicions, pray 4 me

[Rant/Rave] Another intro with a side of self hatred
Created: Sat May 26 14:05:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mcooh/another_intro_with_a_side_of_self_hatred/
I’ve lurked here forever, hi!! This is the only place I can post that will understand rn. This is gonna be long n dumb.
I’m 5’7 and was 120 lbs last summer. I was happy with my weight for the first time ever and it made my life so much better. A year later I’m back to getting stoned and binging almost every night and 20 lbs heavier. It affects me so much at work, with my boyfriend, even seeing my parents. I feel like everyone notices how much bigger I am. I started running 4 miles every day before work with my dogs about a year ago. I think that’s what makes me so hungry at night but I feel like I’m actually more addicted to exercise than to food. I’ve always worked out a little but had my diet under control...but now I love running so much and the thought of stopping or even cutting back gives me so much anxiety. But I don’t know what else is making me lose control so much and just stuff my face to fall asleep.
Ugh. is anyone else like addicted to working out even though it’s been proven that weight loss is like 80% diet? I’ve always had tendencies to binge and went through a long phase of purging. Working out and trying to be healthy is just feeding in to that and it sucks so much because a normal person would be able to handle this I feel like and I just sit here and feel sorry for myself.

[Other] Thank you costco! 5 cals per serving and super yummy :D
Created: Sat May 26 13:48:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mckxd/thank_you_costco_5_cals_per_serving_and_super/

[Discussion] Panic attack after touching a random fat lady
Created: Sat May 26 13:18:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mcdtm/panic_attack_after_touching_a_random_fat_lady/
I feel awful, but I can't help it.

I work at a grocery store and was on my lunch break, walking out to my car when a lady stops and asks me if I would help lift her sister up out of her electric cart so she can get into the car.

I tried saying "oh, no, I don't want to hurt you... I'm probably not the best person....." but they begged me. It was hot out and nobody else was around. They showed me how to wrap my arm under hers and help lift on one side while the other lady lifted the other.

I'm sorry if this is offensive to any of you with higher bmis (I am currently in the overweight category so I don't have a lot of room to talk but this woman was maybe 400 lbs) but as soon as my hand touched the underside of her arm and felt nothing but soft squishy fat, it was all I could do to keep from dry heaving. As soon as she was on her feet and leaning against the car I just turned and walked away as fast as I could. I could feel my stomach turning and tears in my eyes and I felt like I couldnt catch my breath.

When I got to my car, I was literally crying and trying not to vomit as I frantically slathered hand sanitizer all the way from my fingertips to my shoulders. I feel like a disgusting human for reacting in this way, but I can't talk about this with anyone I know without looking like an asshole. Can anyone relate or am I truly the worst?

[Other] Body Fat %
Created: Sat May 26 13:09:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mcbno/body_fat/
So I finally got my body fat scanned or whatever and I'm 16.8% body fat. I don't know if that's low or not and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm glad I know I guess?

Ate approx. 700 calories today and hate myself
Created: Sat May 26 12:46:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mc6fy/ate_approx_700_calories_today_and_hate_myself/
If I had actually binged i would have at least had a respite from my anxiety in the post junk food glow.

Hyperkalemia warning
Created: Sat May 26 12:33:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mc3aj/hyperkalemia_warning/
Y'all, especially if you're underweight, WATCH OUT for taking supplements that are the recommended dose for normal/overweight people. I've been fasting and took 2250 mg of potassium in the form of Morton's LoSalt, dissolved in low-sodium broth, and even though the daily recommended dose of potassium is 4700mg, I started exhibiting all the mild symptoms of hyperkalemia - excess potassium. Exhaustion, dizziness, tingling throughout my body. I was SCARED - too much potassium can lead to paralysis and heart failure.

I didn't have the serious symptoms of nausea, chest pains and irregular heart palpitations, so I found the one source of calcium in the house (...my boyfriend's gelato...) and had 1/4 cup, slowly. Calcium does bind to potassium, and the tingling stopped within an hour. It came back 12 hours later, so I finished the other 1/8 cup and it helped, again.

BE CAREFUL. Potassium is actually used in lethal injections. Especially if you have kidney issues or diabetes, innocently taking potassium to help with electrolytes, like I did, can be fatal. And GO TO THE ER IMMEDIATELY if you start feeling any of the serious symptoms.

For reference, my BMI is 17.11. Just like the FDA's 2000 calories/day do not apply to me cause I'd balloon, the daily levels of everything else apparently have to be adjusted as well. I don't know of a source that can give adjusted recommended levels, but I'm looking.

Stay safe, please. <3

[Rant/Rave] Is it just me or
Created: Sat May 26 11:57:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mbu8y/is_it_just_me_or/
is the shit you take after a binge more traumatizing than the weight gain 😂

Omg I hate everything.
Created: Sat May 26 11:54:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mbtki/omg_i_hate_everything/
I'm out of town at the moment. Not feeling too hot in general. Got dragged to a Mexican place and decided to get a Coke Zero and some beans/rice. Go to the soda machine. Get approximately 2 seconds worth of Coke Zero. And it's out. They don't have a refill for it. Literally my life 😐 don't even give me the food. I'm over it.

I lost control and now I'm obese.
Created: Sat May 26 11:19:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mbkys/i_lost_control_and_now_im_obese/
Hey guys, this is my first post here and even though I'm overweight I lurk this sub and you guys are such a good community I hope this post is okay.

I'm 5'1 and have always had control over my food. My mom was always crazy about what I could eat / couldn't eat and would tell me I was fat everyday. She would restrict my food (no soda, chips, pasta) going as far as to hide it. Around 12 I started binging and then fasting for weeks. All the way until 17 I managed to stay within 90-108 lbs. Around 18 I just felt I lost all control and I couldn't stop binging. All the sudden I was at 117, then 130, 150. Two years ago I stepped on the scale and was 195. I broke down and knew I HAD to lose weight. I'm currently at 164 and my immediate goal is 150 but it's been 4 months since I hit 164 and I CAN'T FUCKING GET FURTHER DOWN. All I do is think of food. Whether I'm binging or restricting. ALL DAY. I can't enjoy anything anymore because I'm so consumed by thoughts of food and weight. Why can't I just fucking discipline myself anymore. I loom at myself and feel disgusting. I also have PCOS and fibro which doesn't help.

Thanks for letting me vent. :/

[Help] Skinny boyfriend problems...also on day 3 of fast please send encouragement
Created: Sat May 26 10:28:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mb8zy/skinny_boyfriend_problemsalso_on_day_3_of_fast/
My boyfriend is 6 foot 5 and 157 pounds, which puts him at a BMI of 19. He’s extremely thin but unfortunately for my disorder he doesn’t look gangly or awkward except maybe sometimes in pictures. His body is beautiful and muscular and broad which should be impossible for how thin he is.

This is sending my disorder into overdrive. I know intellectually that if I get a lot thinner I’ll look bad, with no butt and scary looking chest bones sticking out. But I want to be slender and muscular and beautiful like him.

Anyone else relate? How do you deal with this shit? He also doesn’t understand that I need to eat less than him and pushes me to eat a lot, and I can’t say no to him...hence why I’m fasting on a trip out of town to make up for it.

Also please send tips and encouragement, on day 3 of a water fast hoping I can make it to tomorrow night.

Created: Sat May 26 10:26:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mb8my/anxiety/
Hey, sorry for the long rant that is about to come, but I can't talk to anyone else about this and it's been sitting with me for way too long. I just got back from studying abroad and next week I'm leaving the country to do an internship where I'll be studying the impacts of malnutrition on growth stunting \(oh, the irony\). I was in quasi recovery before I left \(while faking true recovery to friends, family, doctors, etc. *not my best move*\), but I fell back into old habits while abroad. Not horrible habits, but I'm still having a lot of bad thoughts and playing into ED behaviors daily. ANYHOO a bunch of people didn't want me to take this internship so I could use the summer to focus on my mental health, but I convinced them that I was doing just fine. In reality, my depression and anxiety about food got a lot worse, but now I can't talk to literally anyone about it because they won't let me take advantage of this opportunity. Also, I feel like such a fake because I'm going to be working with communities that don't have enough food WHEN I CHOOSE TO DO THIS SHIT TO MYSELF. LIKE THAT'S FUCKED UP. I feel so guilty and shitty, but I just can't stop. My health has already been affected by this stupid shit I keep doing to myself, and I thought that would motivate me to get better, but my brain is so fucked that it's not enough. And now I'm nervous that these researchers, who study nutrition and the impacts of malnutrition, are going to easily pick up on my fucked up behaviors if I'm not careful. I don't know I just have a lot of negative thoughts right now. I almost lost my shit yesterday when my parents surprised me by deciding to take me out to my favorite restaurant for dinner after I spent literally all day doing nothing but thinking about food and trying to limit my calories. I had to act like it was totally fine, but after they went to bed, I went to work out. And this weekend I have a bunch of barbecues and social stuff that I'm trying to deal with. It just feels like too much. I can't focus on anything else.

Yeah. So, TLDR: I am slipping and feeling like a piece of shit for doing ED stuff, but also feeling like shit about my body and food in general and I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't know what the point of this is. I just had to get it out. I'm just so glad this subreddit exists.

I only love my bed and my ED, I'm sorry.
Created: Sat May 26 10:21:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mb7c2/i_only_love_my_bed_and_my_ed_im_sorry/
I just want to be the sort of person I've always wished I was. Someone with a high degree of self control. Someone viewed as having their life together. I know I don't have to be perfect in order to be seen as such, but I just \*know\* it would be easier if I was thinner. Does this make sense?

[Rant/Rave] I’m worst than I ever was before now I’m in this place I can’t run away from
Created: Sat May 26 09:57:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mb1tq/im_worst_than_i_ever_was_before_now_im_in_this/
I always had a ED since I was a teen I purged fasted, and popped so many laxatives they were like candy to me. I had a schedule I worked around when to take them and when to not like clockwork.
Then my parents and friends found out. Then my family started watching my eating habits like crazy I started “recovering” and kind of ate and was like okay maybe I’ll try this out. I started eating everything I missed out on and then some. I ate for all those days I missed and all those days I starved my self.
Then I looked in the mirror and what do I see but a 200lb person staring back. I was on the verge of the other side effects of what being overweight and eating unhealthy does. How did I get this far?? How did this happen to me. It’s like I don’t know what healthy eating is. I go from one extreme to the other. I got back into my ways fasting laxatives and dropped from 200lbs to 130lbs fast.
Now I have stretch marks all over my legs, thighs, arms, everywhere. I am riddled with them dark areas because insulin problems. I know some people can bounce back from one weight to the other with smooth skin my body is not like that. They are not my tiger stripes they are a reminder of how I ruined my body. I am currently saving up for lower body & Tummy tuck. I don’t know what to do about my arms but maybe there is some surgery I can do.
I ruined myself and I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate this.

[Help] Smoothie in a hydroflask = best idea ever (& any more low calories smoothie recipes?)
Created: Sat May 26 09:55:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mb1d1/smoothie_in_a_hydroflask_best_idea_ever_any_more/
I’ve been big into smoothies for a while, but I was eating them in a bowl with a spoon and it felt like they were gone before I knew it. Then I found a Hydroflask that had an option for a lid and straw and was like “what the heck, I’ll give anything a try.” It’s kept smoothies cold for me for over 4 hours - like, still FROZEN. Amazing.

My go to recipe is 1 cup frozen strawberries, 1/2 of a frozen banana, 1.5 cups unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 1 packet of Splenda, and 7 ice cubes. It all comes out to about 24 oz of smoothie and 150 kcals and could last me a very long time in the hydroflask.

Anyone else have any go-to low calorie smoothie recipes?

[Rant/Rave] Failed Tinder Date
Created: Sat May 26 09:52:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mb0lq/failed_tinder_date/
Things didn't go so well today, so i'm not really feeling good. The guy kept using his phone and ditched me for his friend after.

All that ran through my head as I sat there feeling insignificant in front of him: Am i too unattractive for him?

Is the pudge on my tummy too obvious? Am i too fat? Too ugly? Just a blob of fat?

I thought I looked good when i left the house - makeup on, nice clothes and all. Guess I'm the one with too high expectations of myself.

[Help] Bad headaches
Created: Sat May 26 09:48:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mazoh/bad_headaches/
Everyday for two weeks I’ve been getting really bad headaches and I have a feeling it’s linked to not eating a lot, which I’ve been doing. I can’t keep taking over the counter meds to fix it. They just reappear the next day :(

DAE experience this or have any advice?

[Help] DAE feet swell? Please help!
Created: Sat May 26 09:31:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mavz3/dae_feet_swell_please_help/
Hello! I’ve had problems with binge eating, laxative use, and purging for quite a while. Only recently have I discovered the joys of restriction (like, past couple months recently.) I have noticed lately that my feet are very swollen during the day. I eat a lot more during dinner, so I thought maybe I’m bloating because of lack of food during the day? Honestly I’m so clueless because my eating problems haven’t been THAT BAD until recently, I’m sort of new to all this. My swollen feet are hurting in my shoes and work and making me think that I’m gaining weight. Does anyone know what gives???

[Rant/Rave] "Idk what you're doing differently but you're looking really good"
Created: Sat May 26 09:26:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mauqc/idk_what_youre_doing_differently_but_youre/
"Oh just not eating a single thing unless you're around and then only eating half of that meal... but it's working? Oh thank god... "

strange purging thing
Created: Sat May 26 09:21:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8matp2/strange_purging_thing/
sometimes when I'm purging before I do it I pretend I'm giving someone a blowjob with my fingers. okay bye

[Discussion] DAE get frustrated because they're tall and hitting a low weight is harder
Created: Sat May 26 09:09:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8maqus/dae_get_frustrated_because_theyre_tall_and/
I get so frustrated because I want to weight like 80lbs or something but i'm a bit over 5'7 and i'm pretty sure that's physically impossible. If you're like 5 or 5'2 or something I just feel like you can weigh less. I always now try to focus on what I look like rather than the number, because I know the number can never go as low as other people.

IDK, I just feel like it's so hard to not compare myself to others, yet obviously someone who is 5'2 and me at 5'7, or another person at 5'11 can't have the same weight while looking the same way.... it's not just binary you know ? But it still frustrates me,

Arguing with MFP
Created: Sat May 26 08:11:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mae3l/arguing_with_mfp/
I have no idea why but sometimes I argue with this app like it's a petulant child. Today after weeks of the notification "you haven't logged your breakfast today!"

I blurted out "YES I did asshole, milk is a food!" Only to realize my children and husband were looking at me like I needed some men in white coats and a sedative.

Fun arguments with your apps, anyone?

[Rant/Rave] if you're in denial and you know it, clap your hands !!
Created: Sat May 26 08:02:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mac07/if_youre_in_denial_and_you_know_it_clap_your_hands/
i feel like i've been a little post-happy lately but this is the only space where i've ever openly expressed anything about my ed and y'all are wonderful so here goes another pointless post lol

i relapsed hard in february-ish after being 'recovered' for a long time. the intensity has varied, but big-picture i've been high restricting with an average around 1,000 cals/day (usually a couple hundred less, with one or two days a week that i go a couple hundred over, and of course the occasional random or social binge). i really only eat dinner, because i can get the satisfaction of a good meal and still have a significantly restricted intake for the day (at least according to normal people standards lol). i also exercise about an hour a day with a combination of resistance training and running.

i'm sure it goes without saying, but i'm addicted to the results - losing weight is like crack and i've become obsessed with the noticeable changes in my body. mentally/emotionally, i'm getting "happier" with the progress i see (thanks for that sweet dopamine, ed brain).

but fuck, lately i've been having such a hard time just *existing* physically. i constantly feel like i'm dying. i'm always so so tired and my body always hurts so bad; i can tell i'm foggy in the brain and unusually forgetful. i bump into things and drop stuff and am generally way clumsier than usual (which says a lot bc i'm an uncoordinated fuck lol) and i barely have enough energy for little daily things like walking up the stairs to my office or carrying my backpack.

(/s) there's *no way* it could be related, though, right ? (/s)

because i *do* eat every day, i average like 1,000 cals, i meticulously focus on getting enough protein and micronutrients (vitamins, minerals, etc), i'm majorly hydrated and otherwise take good care of myself.

> tl;dr i'm constantly tired, hazy and in pain lately, but because:

(a) i don't low-restrict
(b) i eat semi-regularly
(c) i still manage to work out
(d) i always feel better and borderline normal after eating
(e) i haven't hit my goal weight (which i recently lowered from my original gw of 110 when i hit it and still wasn't happy lmaooo ED WHO ?! SURELY NOT ME)

i feel *major* imposter syndrome and am in total denial that my restriction/ed behaviors are what's actually causing me to feel this way. like, maybe i just need to start drinking more coffee or figure out a new way to get better sleep or start doing yoga or something. i'm not thin or sick enough for this to be happening.

i'm not really looking for anything here, just venting i guess.

anyone else experience symptoms like this but feel like you don't deserve them (or don't deserve them yet) ??

i hope you're all doing well and having a lovely day <3 <3

The Truth Behind Calorie Labels
Created: Sat May 26 08:00:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mabn4/the_truth_behind_calorie_labels/

[Discussion] Does anyone else become completely obsessed with slim tv/movie characters or celebrities and want to look exactly like them?
Created: Sat May 26 07:59:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mabfd/does_anyone_else_become_completely_obsessed_with/
Ever since high school, I have been periodically obsessed with different celebrities and have tried to change my appearance drastically to look exactly like them.

Of course all of them are skinny as shit too so it really like added to my disorder, I would think “she definitely wouldn’t eat that”. At first for me it was Megan Fox, then Adriana Lima, then an anime character (?????) yadda yadda and now I’ve just finished Scream the tv series and I’m totally obsessed with Brooke/Carlson Young (she’s so skinny and mean I’m in love tbh) I’ve even cut my bangs already like a psycho

[Discussion] ♡
Created: Sat May 26 07:59:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mabex/_/

Stopping mid-binge
Created: Sat May 26 07:58:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8mab5p/stopping_midbinge/
Has anyone ever successfully done that? I've got such an all-or-nothing attitude that I've never (so far) been able to do that. But I *know* it's possible. And I think it could be a step to a tiny bit healthier attitude towards food.

So - has anyone ever done it? What did you think/feel/do that made you stop? How did you take care of yourself after stopping (coping mechanisms)?


[Help] I’ve been taking ephedrine every day for almost two years now. How do I ween off without gaining?!?
Created: Sat May 26 07:53:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8maa8x/ive_been_taking_ephedrine_every_day_for_almost/

I gained weight and having a hard time accepting it..
Created: Sat May 26 07:35:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ma6jw/i_gained_weight_and_having_a_hard_time_accepting/
I measured myself a lot when I was anorexic. When I was at my smallest I was 32/23/36 now I am 35/26.5/40. I am having a hard time accepting it and I keep on seeing myself as fat. Anyone have a similar problem? I have just started eating again recently.

[Rant/Rave] Why is dog broth 1.4 cal/oz but human broth is 5??
Created: Sat May 26 07:07:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ma16c/why_is_dog_broth_14_caloz_but_human_broth_is_5/

Little comic I just did before bed that I thought you guys would like
Created: Sat May 26 06:34:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m9v96/little_comic_i_just_did_before_bed_that_i_thought/

[Sticky] 'Stupid Questions' Saturday! May 26, 2018
Created: Sat May 26 06:11:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m9rdv/stupid_questions_saturday_may_26_2018/
This is the weekly 'Stupid Questions' Saturday thread for May 26, 2018.

Use this thread as an opportunity to ask any questions you might have that you feel don't necessarily warrant their own post.

Please be wary of false advice and information. Be sure to research the facts before taking anyone's advice, no matter who they are. Remember that diagnosing members is unacceptable. **Anyone looking for medical guidance should seek the opinion of a medically licensed professional.**


Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 26, 2018
Created: Sat May 26 06:10:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m9rc6/daily_food_diary_may_26_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 26, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

"Giving" someone an ED
Created: Sat May 26 05:14:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m9i7x/giving_someone_an_ed/
Hello! I've had an ED for alittle over ten years now and I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 years. Recently he has lost about 20 pounds, has no interest in food, and will purposefully not eat if he is super hungry because he says deciding what to eat is too stressful. He used to be a chef, and food is a huge deal in his family. He grew up cooking every meal and loving good food. His stress around food came out of nowhere. He is going to a doctor to rule out any medical problems, but I'm really worried that I've let my food issues fall on him. I've always tried not to be judgemental of how he eats. But if he makes food for me I ask him to weigh everything out and keep track of cals, and I definitely have made comments about the amount of butter, oil, and dairy he uses to cook with (which I now regret ever saying). Has anyone else experienced something similar? Can someone "catch" an ED?

(Mods: I only have access to mobile. Could you flair as discussion please?)

[Help] Help me friends (TW!!!!)
Created: Sat May 26 04:46:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m9dvd/help_me_friends_tw/
Sorry for the copy pasta... but I can't even rethink it.

I'm scared guys!!!!!! I'm shaking. I know I'm not alone. The thought of killing myself while around someone who I know can/will stop me is insane. Why would they let me?But no one is here. No one is here to stop me. It's all up to me. I keep choking on nothing. My throat is tensing up like how it does when you panic. Trying to save myself from the danger that I know is coming but hasn't happened yet.... Yet I'm calm. I know if I do it then it's real. Up until now it's been more of a game. Now I know it's a real option. I am ready for my suffering to be over.

[Rant/Rave] national level exam on monday but all i can think about is how fat i am
Created: Sat May 26 04:05:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m97we/national_level_exam_on_monday_but_all_i_can_think/

What's the weirdest thing your ED has made you believe?
Created: Sat May 26 04:03:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m97ml/whats_the_weirdest_thing_your_ed_has_made_you/
Back in 2016, I went off on my dad for strategically placing bread around the house in order to make me gain weight

Also a medium apple is 120 calories!!

A medium banana is 200!!

If I eat a pint of ice cream every midnight and nothing else I'm being healthy!! Bc 1200 cals!!

I have a specific body type, where a BMI over 20 = morbid obesity

Everyone else complaining about their body has body dysmorphia. Mine's the only one that's actually gross!!!

One cup of vegan low fat ice cream is 600 calories!!

In order to prove I'm trans, I must diet for 100 days!!! If I'm TRULY trans, then I'll do it!!! And then I can come out!!!

People pouring oil in your food? More likely than you'd think!

People are STARING at me (bmi 18 at the time) because I'm so fat and don't deserve to eat!!!

The cashier is only nice to me because I've lost weight. ONLY!

My entire family and all my friends will literally abandon me if my bmi goes over 19

Share your craziness; )

The lengths you'll go to to keep yourself from eating
Created: Sat May 26 03:20:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m91f5/the_lengths_youll_go_to_to_keep_yourself_from/
I live in an apartment complex, and everyone has their own small storage unit down in the basement. Most people use theirs to store out of season clothes, big suitcases, tools et cetera but me? Mine's full of grains. Pasta, noodles, oats, even fucking flour because if I keep it in my apartment I'm bound to eventually go fucking crazy and make a mountain of pancakes or something. I can't keep oats or porridge rice or semolina in my apartment unless I want to make and eat a liter of porridge at 3 am. Whenever I've planned to eat a small amount of carby stuff, I go into the basement with a bowl and a food scale, looking around suspiciously because I'm worried my neighbours will see me. I keep the grains in a plastic container that should be secure, but if we ever get a rat problem in the basement, it'll probably be my fault.

Anyway, let me know your ridiculous food storing habits bc I want to feel less alone.

[Discussion] LGBT dating with an ED
Created: Sat May 26 03:10:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m8zwy/lgbt_dating_with_an_ed/
how do you not let your fucked up ed thoughts compare yourself to other girls ?? asking for a friend

in all seriousness though, it took me years of heteronormative behavior to realize i'm
not straight (and actually lean slightly more towards liking women) because i was suppressing it and now that i'm "Out" i have no gaydar at all let alone know how to stop comparing myself to them

[Rant/Rave] That mouse in my panties drawer really scared away my appetite
Created: Sat May 26 02:54:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m8xb4/that_mouse_in_my_panties_drawer_really_scared/
Honestly I couldn't sleep, and I was already upset by my scale weigh in (113 pounds. Um. I ate 700 measured calories and took 10,000 steps how tf did I gain from 109)

Anyways I was about to eat something when I turned on the light and a MOUSE PEEKED OUT OF MY PANTIES DRAWER

I screamed, got up and now I'm sitting on the couch with all the lights on because I'm paranoid of a mouse biting me

At least it scared my appetite away...

[Discussion] DAE get triggered when they look at their old small clothing?
Created: Sat May 26 02:46:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m8w6y/dae_get_triggered_when_they_look_at_their_old/
Background info on me: I grew up to be a very chubby kid like medically overweight and while it wasn’t devastating to my health, I did feel awful about myself (grew up in a strict asian household and asian beauty standards are somewhat harsher than european beauty standards imo). Anyway, I started binging and purging at ~10. Continued until age 15. Realized it wasn’t doing jack shit so I started restricting and purging via excessive exercise. I’m 5’0 tall and I went from 140 lbs to ~100 lbs in 3 months. I eventually lost 10 more lbs over the following 2 months.

It definitely took a toll on my body as I was naturally inclined to be overweight (a lot of my family members are also overweight despite being active and eating right). I wore really small clothing and eventually I was skinnier than most of my peers. It felt incredible and empowering while in retrospect, I still felt like shit. Anyways, at my peak weight, my skinny clothes started to disappear and I didn’t know why. I found it to be annoying, but I thought my grandma took them to bring back to my relatives (which I wouldn’t have minded had she asked me prior to doing so). She had done it before so I wouldn’t have been surprised if she did it again.

Anyways, I eventually gained back almost all of the weight, but I still thought about those clothes. What happened to them? Who is wearing them now? Well, last night, I came home from college and guess where they were? Right next to my bed. My room had been rearranged by my parents + grandma unbeknownst to me. I was shocked but someone glad to find them but also triggered because now I have to relapse. My weight has held me back from doing so many things. I miss being thin so much and I hate when ppl tell me to do it the healthy way. Like whats so satisfying about losing 40 lbs over a year when I could easily lose it in 3 months?

Idk this turned into some sorta rant but I’m like.. kind of sad to be home bc my parents are one of the causes of my ed and it’s so hard being around them without them mentioning my weight.

[Discussion] anyone else get really sleepy after eating?
Created: Sat May 26 01:45:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m8nah/anyone_else_get_really_sleepy_after_eating/
I throw up everything I eat. I have for years. I'm very, very extreme in how much I binge and purge, and between those binges and purges, i usually don't eat anything, but on the rare occasion i do (more frequent lately, as i'm trying to put on a little weight so i won't scare people all summer) it knocks me the fuck out. Something as small as a cereal bar puts me in a fucking food coma.

Anyone else dealing with this/any tips for fighting it? it makes me feel 10x more guilty and gross, and it feeds this weird idea i have that starving makes my mind sharper.

It's a scourge.

Coping mechanisms that don’t involve food?
Created: Sat May 26 01:30:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m8kz6/coping_mechanisms_that_dont_involve_food/

I was wondering what you guys do when you feel really shitty.
I came home yesterday after an excruciatingly horrible day and felt like the only thing I could do to forget and make myself feel better was to eat lots of shitty food, but there have got to be better ways to cope than that??

What do you guys do when something horrible happened or you’re stressed or had a shitty day, except eating, to make yourself feel better?

Lots of love

[Rant/Rave] Sales lady told me I was tiny (rave)
Created: Sat May 26 00:45:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m8e0m/sales_lady_told_me_i_was_tiny_rave/
It was such a small thing, but today, walking in the mall, I stopped by a stall where a lady was selling jeans. She was helping me pick out a style, and since certain styles were out of certain sizes, to help the process, she asks me what size I am.

Keep in mind that it has been forever since I've last shopped for jeans, and the size I last remember being was 4. So in the spur of the moment, I say 4. Now, the lady frowns and looks at me then moves her jacket aside, says she's a size 4, and asks if I'm sure. I look at this slender lady, and I'm momentarily horrified that she might be implying that I must be bigger. Then, she goes on to tell me I'm tiny, pulls out the smallest size she has, and tells me it would fit best. It was a passing statement, but I felt so happy in that moment.

I buy the pants, try it on later in the mall bathroom. The pants are even just a little loose on me, but they're still flattering. I'm ecstatic. I can almost see how small I've gotten in the mirror, yet at the same time, I wonder how bad my body dysphoria has gotten. I'm not at my goal weight yet. I still look at myself and see chubbiness. I still feel the need for control. EDs are seriously a mental thing.

[Help] After a bad food day, what do you do to build yourself up to get back on track?
Created: Sat May 26 00:41:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m8deo/after_a_bad_food_day_what_do_you_do_to_build/
I went over to my mom's, she already made me a plate of food. Felt guilty and didn't want to upset her by not eating her homemade food... I've been averaging about 500 Cal day and hit about 1300 today...

I want to know what you guys do when you have a slip up and get back to business as usual.

I really hate myself rn

drunk binges are the worst binges
Created: Sat May 26 00:09:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m88em/drunk_binges_are_the_worst_binges/
i had a real real shit shift at work today, so i sat down at the bar after and had ONE vodka soda. i was just gonna have the one, a very safe ~60 cal and then i was gonna go. but then some guy bought me another one, and i felt bad saying no, so i had that one too.

and then i had 5 more. and then i went home and had an entire bag of frozen 3 cheese tortellini with Alfredo sauce and i don’t even wanna K N O W how many calories that was and now i feel like i’m dying and i’m still hungry :-/

i hate this

[Rant/Rave] I’m 27 years old. I know that I’m an adult, but spending 30 mins with people from high school reminds me that I am a worthless piece of shit. I already hate myself. Why do you need to remind me? Sorry for the rant - after the night I’ve had...you’re the only people I trust
Created: Fri May 25 23:25:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m81c8/im_27_years_old_i_know_that_im_an_adult_but/

[Intro] They told me to stop but they also said they’d give me money if I lost weight.
Created: Fri May 25 23:15:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m7zki/they_told_me_to_stop_but_they_also_said_theyd/
I was always the chubby kid. My mom and dad divorced early in my childhood and during my time with my dad he thought an 8-year-olds ideal meal was a Big Mac and fries. Food habits caught quickly and soon food was associated with happiness. I remember being in the 4th grade crying about how I was fat and how I wished I could be like the other girls.

Looking back now, I would honestly say I grew out of it and was honestly at a great size when I was 14, but I wouldn’t be here if I actually realized that. I soon discovered tumblrs eating disorder side and decided I wanted to be bulimic. For four years I would throw up almost every meal I ate. All I could ever think about was food and how badly I wanted it but also had guilty I felt to eat it. I was about to graduate high school when I finally came to a family member and told them my secret.

Turns out it wasn’t actually a secret and everyone knew. I was told “to cut that shit out”.

Four years later I wouldn’t say I’m not bulimic, but it doesn’t happen everyday but this shit is still happening. My relationship with food is still terrible and today was a tipping point. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been but I was so proud that it had been almost a month since my last binge. Then I receive a message from my grandmother telling me she’ll give my $100 if I lose 30lbs by Labor Day.

Now I’m back to meal replacement shakes and purging anything else. All they care about are the results, not how I get there.

I’m so sorry that this is written poorly. My thoughts are racing and I just discovered this subreddit. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone.

Health issues at normal BMI/light restriction?
Created: Fri May 25 22:34:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m7sr7/health_issues_at_normal_bmilight_restriction/

I'm 5'3" and 106 so bordering on underweight but at a healthy BMI for the moment. I'm eating 1200-1400 calories a day on average with very minimal exercise.

I'm also experiencing some pretty bad health issues at the moment. My blood pressure is shot and I get dizzy a lot. My heart rate is way too fucking fast and I have heart/chest pains. On top of that, I feel numbness especially in extremities and my legs randomly hurt a lot. I'm trying to get treatment and I'm being told that I need 3000+ calories because I'm in a severe nutritional deficit but it just doesn't make any sense? I've had an ED for 6 years now but I just don't feel like I'm at a place to warrant all of this shit my body's experiencing or needing to up calories that high for it to go away??

am i disproportionate/fat?
Created: Fri May 25 22:18:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m7pyo/am_i_disproportionatefat/
please be brutally honest?
i'm 5'1 ish
and fluctuate between
my pant size is 3
my bra size is a 32b
my measurements are
largest part of thigh-20inches
around butt-35inches

i'm disagnosed bodydysmorphia but haven't gone to therapy in years and am relapsing
everyone says i'm small and petite but i find this untrue when i take pictures i look huge please help and be honest

[Intro] Hi, I’m new here.
Created: Fri May 25 22:06:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m7nrg/hi_im_new_here/
Long time lurker, first time poster.

Long story short, I was overweight for most of my life. Parents forced tons of fad diets on me when I was younger. Liquid diets, cleanses, diet pills, you name it, I’ve done it. I got into fitness when I moved out of that abusive hell hole, educated myself, lost over 80 lbs, and...then became obsessed. Ended up in the hospital, diagnosed with anorexia around 4 years ago. I’m now ‘recovered’ and working in the fitness industry. I’ve been struggling with the whole being recovered thing for awhile, focusing on food intake and exercise is literally my job. I put on some healthy weight over the last couple of years, I have a ‘slim thick’ figure as my boyfriend calls it...some days I feel okay, some days I want my thin body back...
I’ve been restricting a lot the past two months and I’m dropping weight fairly quickly. I’ve been in denial for awhile I think, but I know my ED is back in full force. A lot of what I’m losing is muscle, I can tell. I’m forever torn between wanting to be fit and strong...or thin and frail....I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I just don’t have anyone I can really relate to or talk to about any of this.

Anyway, hello. I thought it was time for me to finally make a new account and post.

[Help] I'm crying
Created: Fri May 25 21:05:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m7byu/im_crying/
Has anyone still lost weight even with bad eating while pms-ing? I'm about to start my period and I've binged sooo bad for 3 days. Is there still hope for me? Have I ruined my months work by these few days? I feel like ending it now. Why don't I have the willpower to not stuff my face???? It's that easy isn't it? What's wrong with me why am I so gross?
5'1 150/144 lbs who knows I don't own a scale. Constantly fluctuating.

[Rant/Rave] Balance scales adding 1kg? 😭
Created: Fri May 25 20:43:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m77w4/balance_scales_adding_1kg/
Last week I went to see a dietitian for the first time bc ~recovery~ and of course, she weighed me. My scale at home told me I was 44kg that morning, and I know it’s accurate as it weighs 1kg bags of flour correctly etc. and the scale at my doctors measures me the same.

Anyway, I get on the balance scales in this office and it reads 45.5kg!!! I KNOW my clothes don’t weigh that much. The dietitian said that balance scales tend to add around a kilo??? How have I never heard of this before? Does that mean I was always actually a kilo heavier? Does that mean everyone is a kilo heavier?? Seriously could not focus on anything for hours after this situation 😭

Has anyone else experienced this?? I feel like everything is a lie omg 😩

Is anyone here obese/overweight BMI but struggle with restricting behaviors? [other]
Created: Fri May 25 19:59:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6ypj/is_anyone_here_obeseoverweight_bmi_but_struggle/
I struggle a lot with restricting. Binging too, but also restricting. It’s either all or nothing for me.

Yet I’m pretty chubby. Right now I’m about 20lbs from a healthy BMI. It seems so contradictory to people that I’m fat yet I restrict a lot. It’s weird too because when I restrict people constantly praise me for doing good and ‘getting healthy’

Idk it’s just weird for me and sometimes I feel really alone.

Well... I starved myself today... [TW - Restricting/Relapse]
Created: Fri May 25 19:52:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6xak/well_i_starved_myself_today_tw_restrictingrelapse/
I finally decided it was probably a good idea to eat something around like 8 PM so I decided to go to the local Subway for a sub, but I couldn't even make myself finish it... It's like I can't even fit anything solid in my stomach right now. I ended up taking it home and it's sitting on a plate next to me. Half a sub isn't going to give me nearly enough calories for today. All I seem to want is to drink pop. I've been doing so good lately and I thought maybe if I can make it just one month of eating like a normal person that perhaps I could finally be done with this problem, but I'm not even sure I made it a week. I felt like everybody was staring at me on the way to the Subway too. Maybe after a whole 24 hours of not eating I just looked as dead as I felt... It definitely wasn't a good kind of attention. It felt terrible... I think the worst part is how good it made me feel. That emptiness inside me, every time my stomach rumbled... I hate that I loved it so much. I'm so tired...

[Discussion] I feel like a failure because I suck at restricting.
Created: Fri May 25 19:10:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6opj/i_feel_like_a_failure_because_i_suck_at/
I can’t go long restricting and I can’t stop b/p. Also my brain feels like it’s melting and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[Rant/Rave] First 24 hours without a binge in 8 weeks, without chocolate in 6 years. Thx Vyvanse
Created: Fri May 25 18:56:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6lnk/first_24_hours_without_a_binge_in_8_weeks_without/
A psychiatrist finally listened to me and believed me yesterday about my horrendous binge eating. I have been living in hell for the past two months after a trauma happened and haven't gone one day without binge eating chocolate. In fact, I haven't been able to leave a grocery store without buying chocolate for many years.

No one (not even my therapist) would believe me because I've been diagnosed as anorexic and haven't gotten above a BMI of 18 for about 7 years. The past year was the lowest weight yet, but then I had an event and completely lost my life to binging. I would lose entire days to it. And I was starting to lose hope.

Enter Vyvanse yesterday. Since then, I have not craved chocolate, gone to the store for chocolate, or binged. Although it has only been a day... an entire day seemed impossible to me until now.

Not only am I hopeful, but I'm certain that I'm on the path to recovery from my binge eating. I feel free. I won't be taking Vyvanse long term, but certainly long enough to rewire my brain and fix my habits.

If anyone on here has BED, I hope you can check Vyvanse out. I didn't think I could be helped. If I can, you can.

why can’t i stop EATING
Created: Fri May 25 18:54:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6ler/why_cant_i_stop_eating/
i hit a low weight this morning (105.8, starting to think the scale is broken and inaccurate) and i then came home from school and probably ate 1600 calories. i purged a bit of it, but i don’t know how many calories i actually got up. so i probably gained half a pound. at least a lot of it was fiber one bars :))

[Rant/Rave] Physics is triggering
Created: Fri May 25 18:31:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6gie/physics_is_triggering/
I’ve been feeling better lately. For the past few weeks I’ve actually felt kind of okay about my body and sometimes I even felt pretty. But then yesterday in physics class and we had to do a lab that involved weighing ourselves in front of basically everyone. I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for like 10 minuets freaking out. I couldn’t breath and felt so nauseous. I eventually went back to class and held myself together but I wanted to die. I hate this. I really thought I was getting better but this small thing destroyed any self esteem I had.

[Other] "Up to 50% max can be purged"
Created: Fri May 25 18:28:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6g20/up_to_50_max_can_be_purged/

How to not hate yourself while still losing weight?
Created: Fri May 25 18:28:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6g09/how_to_not_hate_yourself_while_still_losing_weight/
Does anyone have any tips? I feel like I just don’t feel like a human-being, like I don’t want to look nice, feel nice or be social when I have gained weight that I need to lose. I just feel like a worthless piece of trash.

Now, I wouldn’t mind this so much if it helped me fast, but I find that more often than not it does the opposite, as in, my brain goes ‘oh well, you’re already a fat piece of shit, another 3000 calories won’t change much’.

I just wish I could ignore this part of me and realise that if I can actually control myself, it won’t take me long to lose the weight that I’ve gained or even *gasp* reach my goal weight...

I realise this is something a lot of people on this sub probably experience, so does anyone have any tips on not wanting to kill yourself when you have gained a bit of weight?

[Rant/Rave] I Hate People
Created: Fri May 25 18:25:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6f8n/i_hate_people/
I work in a resturaunt. I am a hostess. There is this table of 4 younger people who keep snickering at me when i walk by. I LITERALLY just heard them say, "Wow, she looks like shes on heroin... so skinny..." Dont really know how to feel about that comment. Just hit a new GW today and was excited, until i heard that. But at the same time, i like looking sick. Im so fucked up, you guys.

What's your ride-or-die safe meal?
Created: Fri May 25 18:22:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6et3/whats_your_rideordie_safe_meal/
Let's compile a little ED recipe list. 🙃 Bonus points for answers other thank "diet coke" \(jokes, I love that shit\).

[Help] Bronkaid by itself?
Created: Fri May 25 18:12:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m6cjk/bronkaid_by_itself/
Do any of you take bronkaid (ephedrine) by itself and no caffeine?
I want to suppress my appetite tonight without being up all night...

[Help] Anxiety - Girls Dinner tonight
Created: Fri May 25 17:35:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m64jc/anxiety_girls_dinner_tonight/
Tonight, my girlfriend and I have been invited to a "Girl's Game Night" with her mom, her soon-to-be sister in law, and her mom's best friend and her whole family. The plan is PF Changs and games after.

I've grown to love these people to death, but they're nearly all obese and make very unhealthy choices. I'm going to have to figure out how to order the minimum calories I can while dodging likely probing questions about why I'm eating so little.

Her soon-to-be sister in law and I have a weird rivalry going on, and she may have heard that I'll be proposing to my girlfriend soon. Since she just got engaged to my girlfriend's brother a few months ago, there's going to be stupid competition.

Part of me is thrilled because I've lost a good 10lbs since I've seen her last, and I know wedding dress weight is on her mind. I get to be petty. They aren't the greatest people when it comes to my girlfriend.

Gotta go scout the menu and start counting.

Created: Fri May 25 17:33:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m649o/struggling/
Luker here... I am having a really bad week and felt comfortable venting here. Very grateful for this sub. Thanks.

Been down on my luck lately and money is really really tight rn. I just had to spend a little bit of rent money to buy some apples lol. I feel immense guilt for not earning enough and being a failure at life. Guilt is fueling my disordered thoughts. I just want to wither away. I used to smoke cigarettes/weed heavily to cope and quit due to health, financial and religious reasons. I have a very self destructive mindset and not being able to smoke has me so fucked up. I've been fasting so much because its the only destructive thing I have left that won't displease God. That is such a fucked up thing to say but its how I feel. Nobody in my life knows about my ed and nobody is going to know. I have too much pride.

Fuck Chocolate.
Created: Fri May 25 17:11:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5yzt/fuck_chocolate/
Always ruining my day, could be sitting pretty at 1200 calories for the day, but then the craving hits and oops I've gone and eaten 4 chocolate bars for 1000 calories... guess I'll go fuck myself then.

Why do I do this to myself? Why couldn't the Aztecs just leave the cacao seeds in the damn trees?

If anybody here has any tips for fending off cravings for the food equivalent of crack cocaine they would be very much appreciated. :)

The calories I get to eat if I want to be successful. Hahaha.mp3
Created: Fri May 25 17:10:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5ysw/the_calories_i_get_to_eat_if_i_want_to_be/

Has anyone tried a completely liquid diet?
Created: Fri May 25 16:52:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5ul3/has_anyone_tried_a_completely_liquid_diet/
If you have how did it go? I pretty much am on it right now with fruits and vegetables thrown in but now it's starting to get too tedious eating. I'll probably still have safe foods but only clear liquids will probably be how I do it.

[Discussion] What do you do when you feel hopeless?
Created: Fri May 25 16:29:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5p6p/what_do_you_do_when_you_feel_hopeless/
This is probably a dumb question but I’m sure many here have felt this way. It’s not like I can poof and be gone but some nights I feel so incredibly hopeless that rage, hate, anger, fear just overwhelm me and I want to run off the planet.

[Rant/Rave] I just got dumped.
Created: Fri May 25 16:10:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5kf3/i_just_got_dumped/
I hit a new LW this morning. I got a break-up text from my (now ex) boyfriend this afternoon. And now, this evening, I’m crying while drinking out of a full bottle of wine and eating an entire cheesecake I baked for him yesterday. Awesome day.

Hamburglynn Reid
Created: Fri May 25 16:04:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5j4e/hamburglynn_reid/
Anyone else watch amberlynn reid to motivate yourself? I'd feel bad for her if she wasn't a manipulative liar but she's doing this to herself. I always get shit for using her to motivate myself which I don't get.

Created: Fri May 25 15:56:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5h7j/fomo_ed/
How do y’all cope?????? This is my struggle 24/7.

[Rant/Rave] I need some support
Created: Fri May 25 15:45:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5ej4/i_need_some_support/
This is my first post here, but I’ve commented a good bit. I have never shared this before, so it’s nice to have it out there. Sorry for the format and the grammar, I’m on mobile and honestly I’m a wreck right now.

I’m young, still technically a child and I live at home. My Dad brought me to the doctor when I was 73lbs, with a BMI of 12.9. He said it was just a check up for my bad knees, I should have known he was tricking me.

Since then I have been making weekly and biweekly visits to a treatment centre that is three hours away, where they monitor my weight. They ask me how I feel but I’m too scared to answer honestly. They don’t do anything for the mental health side of things.

I honestly tried really hard at first. I gained weight, even if it was a bit slowly. I cried myself to sleep most nights but I did it, until recently. It just got too much. I started trying to trick weigh ins and went back to counting calories. For the first time ever I lost weight between weigh ins. I have to go up there during my summer too now.

It’s too much for me. I broke down crying in there and they told me to be quiet, that it was my eating disorder talking and not me. I’m sick of being told that I don’t have a voice because I do! I know that I’m sick but I’m still human. I’m not an eating disorder, _I have_ an eating disorder. There’s a difference, right?

So for the first time, I’ve told my Dad that I’m not going back to the clinic. I’m not drinking my weight gain nutrition drinks. I’m done. My parents are mad at me but I’ve gone to bed now, I know that tomorrow is going to be hell, but it can’t be any worse than how I feel how.

I’m sorry, I know this is long and I’m young, naive and I’m stupid. I know that most of my problems are probably laughable compared to you guys’. But I just need some support to get me through tomorrow because I don’t know if I can do it alone. I’m in a really bad place right now and I don’t know what to do. Thank you all.

[Rant/Rave] I am in such a bad mood.
Created: Fri May 25 15:28:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5ab0/i_am_in_such_a_bad_mood/
I ate so much banana bread yesterday so I woke up really bloated and then I ate it again today (it’s actually the only thing I ate today) and I feel so disgusting and prom is tomorrow and I know this sounds like stupid teenage shit but I really wanted to look pretty and I’ve been eating really well but I just caved. Sorry for this confusing run in sentence but holy shit I’m so upset and I don’t know what to do.

[Discussion] DAE have difficulty swallowing on a liquid fast?
Created: Fri May 25 15:10:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m55y1/dae_have_difficulty_swallowing_on_a_liquid_fast/
I've been on a liquid fast for the past couple of days, and I've begun to notice that usually as I'm finishing a bowl of broth my ability to swallow seems to just vanish. I'll have the broth in my mouth but actually trying to swallow just results in a big ol' NOPE from my throat. Anyone else had issues with this? I've never encountered this before on liquid fasts.

restricted then exercised so much i threw up bile
Created: Fri May 25 15:04:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m548h/restricted_then_exercised_so_much_i_threw_up_bile/
I've had 2 cups of coffee today, with a tbsp creamer(20cals), no sugar, a diet coke, and 3 pieces of gum(5cals)
Then I went to the track near my house with my son in the stroller and ran 5 miles. After mile 2 i puked and threw up bile. holy shit did that hurt, but I feel so accomplished???
This is the first time I am posting on this sub, and the first time I've talked to anyone about my ED aside from my friend who also has an ED who i restrict/exercise with.

[Help] How do you distract yourself from being hungry?
Created: Fri May 25 14:47:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m5028/how_do_you_distract_yourself_from_being_hungry/
I usually browse and comment on Reddit endlessly, but I’m getting bored of that. I’m thinking about trying to color while listening to music, anything to make the time go by

[Help] Weigh tofu before or after draining?
Created: Fri May 25 14:40:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m4yb0/weigh_tofu_before_or_after_draining/
Been weighing it before to be safe, and probably will continue to do so regardless, but are the calories per gram written on the packaging for tofu typically pre or post pressing/draining?

[Discussion] Juice cleanse?
Created: Fri May 25 14:22:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m4ttb/juice_cleanse/
For me, so far, it's a socially acceptable way for me to transition from binge phase to restricting. I am somewhat repulsed to find that one day's worth of juice is 1,050 cal. However, it's definitely shrinking my stomach and it's fewer calories than I had previously been consuming. I just want to stop binging and stay stopped.

[Help] I offhandedly said I'm not especially interested in or passionate about anything and my therapist insisted there must be something that makes me happy. I ended up deflecting the question, but the honest answer is food.
Created: Fri May 25 13:29:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m4gad/i_offhandedly_said_im_not_especially_interested/
I've been on a steady downward spiral for a while now, and now there's nothing I enjoy other than binging. It's the only activity that lets me feel like I'm actually inhabiting a body and existing in the world rather than drifting around in a surreal haze. Everything else is an excruciatingly dull and irritating interlude that stands between me and gorging until I feel okay. I hate standing around listening to people laugh and have conversations and get invested in their lives, I hate dragging myself out of bed, I hate having to maintain a front of courtesy and normalcy when I don't feel anything other than frustration and sickness, I hate how pathetic and mundane everything is, and I hate myself, not just for my inability to be happy, but for everything. Throughout the day I periodically think that the moment I'm in is going to end, that at some point I'll be looking back at it and it won't feel real. It doesn't even feel real while I'm experiencing it. I have no idea why, but that thought never fails to give me this insurmountable feeling of exhaustion and dread. Maybe I'm not actually depressed, maybe I'm just seeing things as they actually are. Therapy isn't making a difference and I didn't really expect it to, but there's no other route to betterness I haven't taken. I'm more than willing to try antidepressants, but I'm still a minor and my father's a Big Pharma conspiracy theorist who thinks meditation, exercise, and some good old positive thinking can cure depression, so I'm fucked. Sometimes I imagine myself in whatever shitty college I'll probably attend because of my lack of motivation, completely alone and angry like I am now and scrounging around for a job I don't care about just to buy binge food and pay rent. I'm still young, but I routinely lurk on the depression subreddit and there's hundreds of people twice my age whose lives are as empty and miserable as the one I'll have. They probably heard the same stock phases about how it gets easier when the teenage years are over. Nothing improved for them, so who says it'll improve for me? I don't want to wait until I fuck things up so irrevocably that no one even bothers to lie I can claw myself out, but I don't know what else to do.

When you’re trying to escape a binge cycle so you just have 100 mini binges :)
Created: Fri May 25 13:21:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m4e4h/when_youre_trying_to_escape_a_binge_cycle_so_you/

[Help] I'm Scared to go to the Doctor...
Created: Fri May 25 13:14:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m4c6f/im_scared_to_go_to_the_doctor/
Hey guys. So I have to go see my GP in early July. Shes also my OBGYN and because i am on birth control and psych meds, i have to go once a year for a check-up. I am very nervous because I have lost a lot of weight in the past year and i am underweight. Im afraid of my doctor saying something or trying to get me to go see a specialist or something. Btw, I am not interested in seeking treatment right now. I know i am sick, but i dont want help right now. For the record, i am 24 years old, so i am an adult. But i have been seeing the same doctor for years now and i havent ever weighed this little (5'2, 90lbs). Does anyone have any advice? ): I am freaking out a bit.

[Rant/Rave] Why I think body positivity is very hypocritical.
Created: Fri May 25 13:13:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m4c3p/why_i_think_body_positivity_is_very_hypocritical/
This is by no means a post of hate, let me explain.

I hate it when i see people who are fat because it makes me sad. When i’ve been in my highest weight, 72 kg for 1.70, i feel so uncomfortable and clothes just don’t fit me right plus my health is awful and I have no energy.

When i see people who are actually obese i feel bad thinking about all the problems the must go through.

there’s this youtuber I follow on instagram because her make up is always on point but she’s a plus size girl, she talks a lot about body positivity but i think it’s kind of hypocritical?

Like i’m glad you feel good with the way you look but you’re obese, you must not feel good health wise because when I gain weight i feel terrible.

I don’t know i needed to get this out somewhere, i gained a couple kgs in the last weeks and i don’t feel well, my body really resents it and i can imagine being an actual obese person.

[Tip] Tips for barbecues?
Created: Fri May 25 13:03:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m49h0/tips_for_barbecues/
Welp, it's summer season, and I think we all know what that means.

My family is throwing a barbecue tomorrow so I already (thankfully) know what is going to be served. However, how can I control myself in terms of portions and servings? Whenever I eat out, I usually eat up to 2,000 calories. I can't eat that much tomorrow because I feel like I'm doing so well and don't want to undo my progress :( (I haven't even been at strictly 1200 for each day this week, either. I've been eating under my TDEE but I know if I go over tomorrow I'll regret it.)

I was also invited to another barbecue next month and I'm lowkey stressing out about it. There's going to be so much food and I'm going to be around a lot of friends and ah 😶

[Goal] how did you pick your goal weight?
Created: Fri May 25 12:59:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m48cd/how_did_you_pick_your_goal_weight/
I have gone off supermodel stats but I am so indecisive about what my ugw should be. :\

[Discussion] Has anyone gone from obese to anorexic?
Created: Fri May 25 12:49:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m45qc/has_anyone_gone_from_obese_to_anorexic/
I’m just curious. I weigh 212 (I know, I’m huge) but I’ve been restricting calories (500-700) ever since I saw my childhood best friend lose a shit ton of weight. I just love the thrill of seeing the numbers go down on my scale.

[Other] This sub is starting to make me feel really uncomfortable?
Created: Fri May 25 12:48:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m45dn/this_sub_is_starting_to_make_me_feel_really/
I can’t explain it, this sub is so triggering which is good sometimes when I am deep in my ed. But I guess on days where I’m not as consumed by it or I’m just in a better mood I feel just weird looking here. Like I don’t relate to the posts as much and it just feels wrong....

Obviously I should just delete the app or look at other subs but it is so habitual for me to browse here and somewhat comforting.

Don’t really know my point of posting this... I think I’m just feeling weird from caffeine and I started welbutrin today (although I don’t believe I would be feeling affects from it after only the first dose)

[Help] Ensure?
Created: Fri May 25 12:44:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m44ef/ensure/
I'm diagnosed anorexia & I used to binge a lot but I've recently become more and more "afraid" of food and no food really seems safe anymore. So I've just been drinking ensure. I know it's used to gain weight in treatment, but it's really the only thing I can stomach at the moment. I've completely lost my appetite and my will to eat. Food is just tasteless and I dont crave anything anymore. But I know I need to eat to be safe.

I know EXACTLY what's in the bottle and I know exactly how many calories, but I'm terrified of gaining weight. I only drink about 3-4 a day (235 cals each), will I gain weight? I'm really scared but I just cant stomach anything else.

23F, 5 foot 1, 95lbs.

Can you have an ED with normal goal weight?
Created: Fri May 25 12:42:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m43vd/can_you_have_an_ed_with_normal_goal_weight/
My goal weight is low end of normal for my height, and I don't want to be as skinny as humanly possible. I don't want to have teeny thighs or no boobs.

But I relate to almost everything on this Reddit, have struggled with BED and my cal intake has been between 200-1000 cals a day, and I've done several day fasts before (can't right now due to meds). It's on my mind 24/7.

I definitely have some disordered thinking about eating, but I feel like an imposter because I don't want my BMI to be underweight. Does anyone have any insight?
Thank you guys 😊

[Rant/Rave] Have you ever binged so hard you threw up (not on purpose)?
Created: Fri May 25 12:25:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m3zdm/have_you_ever_binged_so_hard_you_threw_up_not_on/
Because I have.

Cool cool cool cool I hate myself.

[Rant/Rave] Fainted for the first time today
Created: Fri May 25 12:21:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m3y6o/fainted_for_the_first_time_today/
I binged over the weekend, like 1,500 to 2,000 calories a day because it was a long weekend. I drank beer and sugary drinks and bread and all kinds of unsafe foods. This week I got back to restricting, (still high) so on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday I had about 700-800 calories/day. I don’t eat until 3:00 during the week. Today I felt SO sluggish at my morning job I could barely move my legs - walking felt impossible, I couldn’t lift my body up the stairs etc. By the time I got home from work I felt really off. I went to open my apartment door and I just fell forward. It was a really weird feeling. Like all the ability to keep myself awake and upright just drained out of me all at once. My roommate was sitting there and I was only out for a second and I convinced him it was because of the heat but he insisted I eat and made me drink a protein smoothie. Now I’m up to 500 calories for the day and I plan on going drinking later which is what I would have wanted to save those calories for.....so, fabulous. Can’t believe I passed out like that and don’t know why either. This sucks.

[Help] My best friend has bulimia
Created: Fri May 25 11:51:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m3q1j/my_best_friend_has_bulimia/
So a few days ago, I was talking with my friends (A) and (C). Friend (A) revealed that also friend (A)'s best friend (B) has bulimia.

I know that (B) has had problems with depression and self-harm a while back, but I would've never guessed she has bulimia.

Now the thing is, (A) told me that I can't, under any circumstanses, tell (B) that I know about it, because she has told only two people about it ((A) and her other friend).

What should I do? I can't tell (B) I know about it. How can I help her?

Sorry for the bad text, I'm on mobile and bad at English

[Rant/Rave] I am not sure why. I wanna stay in my current weight for now and not opt for treatment
Created: Fri May 25 11:09:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m3eg8/i_am_not_sure_why_i_wanna_stay_in_my_current/

i wish i have the desire and willingness to motivate myself for treatment, but my heart feels unreluctant.

I am unwilling to gain weight.. I don't know what to do. I thought to myself today "if this is going to kill me eventually, why not?" Because I would choose death over life. And I don't even understand why I went for doctors appointment today for diagnosis.. I am regretting it . I just hate being mentally ill

Sorry if my post doesn't make sense . Just trying to express my feelings

[Discussion] Eating uncooked kidney beans?
Created: Fri May 25 11:09:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m3e85/eating_uncooked_kidney_beans/

Now that thats out the way, It's supposed to make you make you fire out of both ends. "neausea, vomiting and diarreah 1 -3 hours after consumption. "

Why does litterally poisening myself sound really appealing? Why do I want to try this? All in one purge bean? I'm afraid to post this here because I feel like people will try it, but at the same time I want to know if anyone has done it.

[Help] Im freaking out and in desperate need of some help.
Created: Fri May 25 10:59:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m3bom/im_freaking_out_and_in_desperate_need_of_some_help/
I'm going to Elon Musk's brother restaurant in Indianapolis tomorrow, it's called Next Door and they have burgers, vegetarian burger and vegan burgers and a bunch of other stuff. My dads really looking forward to it so I'm not going to ruin it for him and back out. It's super new, actually it might be opening for the first time tomorrow so I can't find the nutritional value on any of the menu items. Any advice????

What if I am not prepared for treatment? Because I feel like I have given up on myself and on life and prefer my current weight.
Created: Fri May 25 10:51:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m39fz/what_if_i_am_not_prepared_for_treatment_because_i/
and i dont wanna visit hospitals. and i hate them...

[Rant/Rave] What counts as a 'binge'
Created: Fri May 25 10:38:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m360h/what_counts_as_a_binge/
I was planning on fasting for 2 days (yesterday+today) because my parents are visiting this weekend so obviously can't restrict as much, and I just got stupid and binged on tomato purée of all things.

Thing is I know it was about 200 cals at most, but I still feel disgusting and fat even though I know I can't physically gain on that many calories. It seems like anytime i go over any goal i set even slightly it feels like a binge even if it ends up being <500 cals.

Basically I just want either rock solid willpower, or for my stupid brain to shut up and stop trying to convince me that I'm going to gain on 200 calories. (rant over lol)

[Discussion] Binge Eating help
Created: Fri May 25 10:32:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m34dq/binge_eating_help/
Has anyone had any success with intermittent fasting as a binge eating cure. I think I'm gonna try 23:1 IF.

Why Unhealthy Food Is Cheap and Plentiful
Created: Fri May 25 10:32:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m346a/why_unhealthy_food_is_cheap_and_plentiful/

I'd like to share, I hope that's cool.
Created: Fri May 25 10:18:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m30dd/id_like_to_share_i_hope_thats_cool/
Hey all. So I've been a lurker here and on other similar social media platforms for years. I'll get to the point. I don't know if I have an ED. But here's what I do know: I've taken a lot of comfort from various ED forums for years. I find them incredibly relatable. I was even semi-active on one despite my social anxiety. I've never known if I really belong, so I don't speak much.

I've seen a lot of positivity and understanding in this community. And so, wanting to be more active, I decided to share some thoughts I found myself journaling. I'm not asking anyone anything, I just wanted to share, and see how it felt.

The journal entry: I did not do myself any dietary favors yesterday. I bought a bunch of produce, came home, and put off eating until I was too hungry to care what I ate.
Some of this included a breakfast burrito, sodas, bologna sandwich, Doritos sandwich, a burger, and I'm sure more crap made it's way into my mouth that I don't remember.

I kind of want to be more active in the ED community, but I get that "you don't belong" mentality. I'm overweight, I've never been under. No diagnosis of course, since I haven't set myself up with a therapist.

But I go into bad food cycles. I can remember being interested in becoming vegetarian since I was pretty young. I was raised to eat big portions, always as much as I wanted. I'll revel in the bad things, cook with bacon fat and butter and fatty meats and salts. Fry the burrito. Extra sauce! Extra cheese!

Then I get in these "healthy" patterns. I am knowledgeable about what's in food and proper nutrition, and when I decide to apply it I get an all or nothing perspective. I can't just cut back on crap or cut out soda. I go into full calorie counting and tracking all my dietary data etc. I restrict, eat raw and vegan, it becomes all consuming for months at a time. Feeling hungry is comforting. I spend a long time in the grocery store, making sure I make the right choice for every little thing that goes into the cart. Food is my hobby. My thoughts, my work, all the things.

What even is hungry? It feels like a lie. If I'm hungry and I wait for it to pass, once it does fear sets in. I think "see? You weren't even hungry to begin with. Imagine how much you would have eaten if you gave into that hunger. Was it real? Will the next one be? Should I always try to wait it out?" Etc. A meal doesn't feel like a success if it exceeds 300-350cals.

I guess I don't really get into bad food patterns. I'm always in one, they just switch off and take turns with me. End entry.

Thanks for letting me share everyone. I don't expect anyone to answer anything for me, I know that you're not doctors and this is only a small piece of my picture.

[Discussion] DAE have friends with ED's ? Do you talk about it with them?
Created: Fri May 25 10:04:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m2wjm/dae_have_friends_with_eds_do_you_talk_about_it/
I "suspect" (aka im pretty sure) 2 people from my friends group have an ED. It's like when you're LGBT, your "gaydar" is real (as opposed to straight's people "gaydar" often being just stereotypes).

One of them is a friend whose ED is pretty much a "well known secret". No one talks about it but I'm sure I'm not the only one who knows. He constantly complains about his body despite being BMI 19. He doesnt even hide the fact that he makes himself throw up (sometimes his bestfriend even helps him if he's drunk... but we're not talking "dead ass drunk, needs to throw up for their safety", we're talking "slightly tipsy but i want place for more alcohol calories"). He's a proeminent figure in the gay male fashion world of my city so it's viewed as normal by a lot of people. He makes jokes about weight loss all the time...

There's also this other girl that I quite frankly avoid because she is so triggering. She is so beauty-obssessed that she outright told me that "attractive people are more kind and intelligent than ugly people, it's all related". She will dead-ass only like or be friends with attractive people. She says it comes from the fact that she was an ugly duckling as a kid... but I saw photos and that's not true. She was just a normal kid! Not as stunningly beautiful breath-taking as she looks today but she was pretty! She will send me pictures of her with fries in her bed but she never never never eats in front of other people (we were on a sleepover once, she didnt eat ANYTHING the whole 48h), she only drinks unsweetened aloe juice in public, never alcohol. When people mention her weight loss that keeps happening (she's like BMI 17), she just shyly smiles and says "yea...I shrunk". She's always staring at herself in mirrors and sucking in her cheeks. When she wears heavy make-up, it's always contour that makes her appear even more underweight.

I never talked about it with them. I'm very secretive about my ED, I think no one knows in my friends group. With the girl, I'm pretty sure she doesnt suspect anything. The guy, though... I don't think he suspects anything specific about me but sometimes I give him a look in certain situations and I feel like he can see I understand ?

Is it possible to be hypnotized to not think about food all the time?
Created: Fri May 25 09:38:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m2pb0/is_it_possible_to_be_hypnotized_to_not_think/
What the title says...

I'm about to binge... [TW: junk food reference]
Created: Fri May 25 09:36:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m2onz/im_about_to_binge_tw_junk_food_reference/
I took a bunch of laxatives last night in preparation for today since I'm supposed to be meeting my boyfriend. Now it occurs to me he probably doesn't actually want me to come....

He's told me "dont come if you dont want to i know its a far drive" over three times and each time Ive told him i want to see him. I could understand once possibly being him trying to make me feel better if i didnt actually want to go. But saying it three times means he probably doesnt want me there and is too scares of hurting my feeling to just tell me outright.

This makes me want to fucking binge like a demon...

All I can think about is Wendy's loaded fries, panda express chow mein and orange chicken, BBQ bacon burger from mcdonalds, Moes burrito and queso dip.... I'm an emotional wreck but why in gods green earth is my brain trying to fix it with food?

[Help] period question
Created: Fri May 25 08:38:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m28pj/period_question/
does anyone else feel like their body is ovulating/pms'ing but you never actually get your period? like i'll experience water retention, cramps and mood swings but i haven't gotten my period in months. its weird.

[Rant/Rave] Trying so, so hard not to binge
Created: Fri May 25 08:14:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m22le/trying_so_so_hard_not_to_binge/
You guys, my throat is fucked up.
Its been killing me for days, and I know my constant purging is the culprit. I cant go to the doctor lest I be outed, So I absolutely cannot let myself purge no matter what until its better.
But resisting the urge to binge is so hard, even when I’m eating a “normal” amount of food. I woke up at 5AM ravenous and ate 2 pieces of bread. That’s an addition 240 calories on top of my food for the rest of the day, and I can’t decide if I should count it or not. :( i wanna get better, but this is giving me so much anxiety.

[Other] Finally underweight? But it doesn't feel real?
Created: Fri May 25 07:48:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m1vs5/finally_underweight_but_it_doesnt_feel_real/
I got to be officially underweight by eating 1200 a day. I didn't even think it was possible...but yesterday I was 121 and today I was 120. I'm proud of myself because I know I worked hard for this... I've been obsessively tracking every calorie I put into my body ( except for cream in my coffee, I know it's not very ED like but I never counted the calories that came from coffee/cream or sugar free gum/mints.) but still, I got here! When I've had days where I go way over my calories and eat 2400 instead of 1200, I just ate 1000 for the next few days and it all somehow evened out. There's been days where I seriously wanted to purge after eating too much but I'm glad I didn't. I just go for a 3 mile run 6-7 days out of the week and I think that raises my tdee so I can eat more and not worry about it too much. I don't want to get too comfortable because I know if I relax about my eating at all I'll just be back up to 130 in no time... not that that would be such a bad thing, but, you know, ED.

I’m too fat to break up with my boyfriend
Created: Fri May 25 07:24:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m1py4/im_too_fat_to_break_up_with_my_boyfriend/
I’ve been dating this guy for two years. We’re currently in a fight.

He’s threatening to call the family I nanny for and get me fired. He’s threatening to send all my friends screenshots of me talking about them. He’s telling me he’s going to sneak into my apartment and kill himself in front of me. That he’s going to plant drugs in my apartment and call my landlord. All of this shit because I told him I was tired of him not having a job.

The catch? I can’t break up with him! I’m too fat. I’d have no one. I have no friends or family in this city anymore since they all moved away. I couldn’t go on dates because I’m too fat so I’d have no hopes of meeting someone else or making new friends. I’m stuck. I’m 22, fat, ugly, and stuck.

Maybe if I starve myself for the next two months I could finally break up with him. :(

I don't really have anyone else to tell about this...
Created: Fri May 25 07:16:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m1o19/i_dont_really_have_anyone_else_to_tell_about_this/
But after joking about it so much, it finally happened. I got a tapeworm. While I lost weight, lost my appetite and pooped a ton, the cramps were painful and I had a nasty fever. So I guess I rate the tapeworm diet a 5/10

[Rant/Rave] Quitting pot and alcohol
Created: Fri May 25 07:12:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m1n1l/quitting_pot_and_alcohol/
I used to be a big binge drinker and pot head up until about a month ago. Out of the blue I quit cold turkey and I've been feeling great, more like myself. Also my anxiety has decreased tenfold, including my social anxiety which is amazing because it used to be a huge struggle for me.

Anddd restricting/weight loss has become so much easier. I no longer have to worry about the munchies which is honestly such a relief and all those extra calories from alcohol. I used to have massive junk food b/p sessions when stoned/drunk but I haven't had one since I quit. Yeah my restriction has gotten more severe but I prefer that hell over binge purge hell any day. So yeah. Just thought I'd share a lil personal victory. \<3

Weekly Selfie, Progress Pic and OOTD Thread! May 25, 2018
Created: Fri May 25 06:12:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m19d2/weekly_selfie_progress_pic_and_ootd_thread_may_25/
This is the weekly picture thread for May 25, 2018.

Feel free to share your selfies, progress pics or outfit-of-the-day (OOTD) pics in this thread!

1. Be nice, **or you will be banned.**

2. Please use the reddit image uploading feature or [imgur](http://imgur.com/) as a host. *Tip: Keep your pictures from getting published to the Imgur gallery (and subsequently commented/voted on by the general Imgur public) by changing the setting from Public to Only Me. This makes your content only accessible via the direct URL.*

3. Members *may not* ask other members to comment on whether they are fat or skinny. There are other subs for that kind of feedback.

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[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 25, 2018
Created: Fri May 25 06:12:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m19cg/daily_food_diary_may_25_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 25, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Help] HELP! Potluck at work and girls weekend
Created: Fri May 25 05:33:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m11gd/help_potluck_at_work_and_girls_weekend/
We have a potluck at work today. And I’m known as a super social person. And I sit so close to the break room where we have our potlucks, that I know I’ll overhear people having fun and chatting. And also, why not participate in 1-1.5hours of not actually working at work? I could purge, but I just try to fast at work because who wants a coworker walking into the restroom to the sound of your retching into a toilet?

I’ve been fasting the last couple days. I finally hit under 190 in a previous post. But I actually ate dinner last night and didn’t get to purge because I was around loved ones the entire time. So a prolonged trip to the bathroom immediately after eating would have set off red flags.

And I have a girls weekend starting tonight. Friends and I are getting together. And I honestly just want to crawl into a hole and hide because it’ll be alcohol and food. And the only thing I’m comfortable having right now is enough ginger ale that I don’t feel nauseous.

Also because one of my friends is basically body goals and barely has an ounce of fat. And I’m sure she’s going to say something about how she feels so fat or something.

What % macros do you guys aim for?
Created: Fri May 25 05:08:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m0wly/what_macros_do_you_guys_aim_for/
After losing 32lbs pretty quickly, I've plateaued for the last 2 weeks until this morning, when I finally dropped from 153 to 152 (BMI 20.6, really tall lmao), and I'm hoping to be out of the 150s in the next week and a bit. Realised the main difference wasn't in how many calories I ate yesterday (been restricting low anyways), but rather that yesterday 62% of my calories came from protein. I was also a lot less hungry because of it.
It might be coincidental timing, and I might be whooshing atm regardless of macros, but it's definitely made me consider trying to hit 50% protein per day rather than MFP's recommended 20%.

Does anyone else aim for specific % macros and why?

[Other] Stopped a binge in its tracks
Created: Fri May 25 05:01:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m0v2w/stopped_a_binge_in_its_tracks/
Woke up at 12:30 am, and remembered we had halo top and Len & Larry’s cookies in the freezer. Got up and made an ice cream sandwich with a cookie and a pint of ice cream. Went to look for more food & leave the house to buy a couple dozen donuts, but just...didn’t want to. I was too aware of how shitty I’d feel about myself in the morning if I b/p’ed tonight. So I made some coffee and put the sugar and calories to good use: **homework.**

So freaking proud of myself. Probably put myself back in terms of my weight loss goals, bit but it’s a WHOLE lot better than spending the night purging a bunch of donuts. 🙌🏼 #win

[Other] 14 years old. 7 with ED.
Created: Fri May 25 04:58:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m0ukj/14_years_old_7_with_ed/
Today I turn 14 and that means half of my life was dedicated to my ED idk how to feel about that.😕😕

[Other] Lunch.
Created: Fri May 25 03:00:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m0aox/lunch/

[Rant/Rave] I know a couple other peeps here have tried it, but i just found out how you can practically DOUBLE your fasting time!!!! (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
Created: Fri May 25 02:35:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m06ta/i_know_a_couple_other_peeps_here_have_tried_it/
-one boyfriend
-a stupid argument
- escalation

Super simple!!! Let your boyfriend control you for 6 months, then decide to hang with the friends you haven't seen cause he convinced you to move 5 hours away from everything you know, then, when you go against his ~commands~ he'll threaten to pack your shit in the house you pay for!!!

*personal tips* so this worked for me, SUPER WELL, but I also let the problem escalate to a point where I'm broke, he's moving out tomorrow and rents due in a weeeek!!!!!

Stay tuned for these gains boiezzz 🙃🙃🙃


The joy of watching others eat
Created: Fri May 25 02:20:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8m04q4/the_joy_of_watching_others_eat/
Just had a flashback to when i was heavily restricting. I would constantly ask my mother if she wanted to eat so i could make her oatmeal and then get mad when she wouldn't eat it fast enough because it was too hot. EDs are crazy :')

Restricting & having trouble focusing/studying?
Created: Fri May 25 01:28:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lzwxc/restricting_having_trouble_focusingstudying/
I just recently started restricting again, and I'm having trouble focusing on my finals. (For context, this is my first semester back at college full time.) I get kind of foggy, woozy, and can't stop thinking about food—although that's not necessarily abnormal, lol. I'm gonna pick up some ephedrine tomorrow and start ECA stacks for the first time ever and I'm hoping it'll help me focus a bit. Does anybody have any tips for this?? Is there anything that's helped you stay focused when restricting or is this just something my body and brain has to adjust to?

tl;dr do you have trouble focusing when you're restricting? What helps?

[Other] I honestly thought this was posted here not on 1200isplenty
Created: Fri May 25 01:10:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lztzp/i_honestly_thought_this_was_posted_here_not_on/

ECA stack causing sharp pain
Created: Fri May 25 00:43:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lzpct/eca_stack_causing_sharp_pain/
I’ve been feeling sharp pain inside my chest where my heart is and it’s the third day. I get sharp pain in my left arm and now in my throat close to my jaw. Has anyone felt this before?

Drunkorexics sound off
Created: Fri May 25 00:27:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lzmpa/drunkorexics_sound_off/
I drink because of the anxiety. It's the only thing that shuts it off. I seriously hope I am somehow able to finally see a pdoc. The waiting lists are far too long. :(

Why do you drink?

I don't know how to feel
Created: Thu May 24 23:58:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lzhjp/i_dont_know_how_to_feel/
Wall of text incoming. I don't care if anyone reads this, I just need to get it out somewhere.

There are a few people in my life who know about my issues with eating, and my debate coach is one of them. I told him at the beginning of this semester after I had been put in an institution for suicidal ideation\(as well as being treated for disordered eating behavior\). I missed several weeks of school and practices, so I didn't lie to him about where i'd been like I did to everyone else who asked. He is my favorite teacher, and I trust him because he actually cares about me. After I told him where I had been, he offered me to talk with him any time.

Initially, he only knew about me having depression, but he mentioned that his girlfriend who was also treated for depression struggled with anorexia and bulimia, so after he said that it all kinda came spilling out. I find talking with him to be very helpful; He's made me think differently about the way I treat myself and psychology in general.

Meanwhile, I've been relapsing. Before I was put in the hospital, I had climbed up to my highest weight ever, 135.0 pounds. I was in the worst place I had ever been in my life. I had purged successfully for the first time, as well as attempted suicide. Since then, with the help of restriction and getting off of Abilify, I am now down to 113.5 pounds\(I feel better mentally but just as fat, of course\).

Recently, my coaches girlfriend offered to come and meet me to talk about eating disorders, and I said yes. I was looking forward to it because I just feel so alone, and just to have someone who understands what it's like is wonderful. We met for the first time yesterday after school, and although it was a little awkward at first, we got to talk about so much. It felt like I finally had someone I related to, who understood everything I said, cause she's been there. She was seriously like a mirror image of me in 10 years\(i'm 16, she's 26\). She told me to never blame myself for how I am. Whether or not I can convince myself of this, I don't know. I digress.

There is only one problem; Talking with her was MASSIVELY triggering. Somewhere I mentioned only being able to eat 686 calories the previous day, and she said that I was doing better than she was, because she ate less than that a day at other points in her life. I know her words were meant to be encouraging, but the 'I need to be sicker' part of me just took over and I freaked out. The illogical part of my brain tells me that i'm not skinny enough to have any issues with eating besides overeating; let alone to entertain the thought of me having an actual eating disorder. The fact that she is better than me affirmed it.

I know i'm ridiculous but all I can think is 'no you fat fuck you're a joke there is no way you will ever be good enough this is the only thing you're good at and you're not even good at it. She got down to 92 pounds and she's way taller than you. You've been doing this for 4 years but you're too fucking disgusting and lazy AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT"

As soon as I left I went to the PX and bought a scale\(my mother won't allow me to have one in the house\), went to the bathroom, and opened it so I could shove it in my bag without my dad noticing. It was then that I found out I had lost 4.1 pounds. I'm gratified I guess, but I feel so conflicted. Can I just not handle something that would help me? I'm not ready to recover, not until my BMI is below 17.5.

[Discussion] What are your go-to, must have foods/drinks in your ED pantry?
Created: Thu May 24 23:24:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lzbp7/what_are_your_goto_must_have_foodsdrinks_in_your/

[Discussion] Why do you really want to lose weight? And what are some other things you are aiming for?
Created: Thu May 24 23:18:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lzakp/why_do_you_really_want_to_lose_weight_and_what/
What is/are your biggest motivation(s) begins losing weight?

For me it’s definitely to look like I’m actually sporty. I love sports - I go running everyday, do body weight training at home, have dance classes etc. But I do not look like it. I want to be able to say “I love sports” and people answering “yeah I can see that”.

And what are some other things you are aiming for - apart from weight loss?

I want to be less addicted to sugar. And I want to be able to not binge as soon as I consume the tiniest bit of junk food.

[Intro] Hey Ya'll
Created: Thu May 24 22:58:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lz6wn/hey_yall/
Hi! I'm new here. In the sense of I've been lurking here and finally made a new account so I can post and talk without it being associated with my main account :P

I've been struggling with anorexia since late middle school/high school. I'm 21 now and still doin' the same nonsense I was then.

It's nice to meet ya'll.

[Rant/Rave] My doctor wants me to go back to my normal weight, which I am unwilling to.
Created: Thu May 24 22:45:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lz4iu/my_doctor_wants_me_to_go_back_to_my_normal_weight/
I went to the eating disorder specialist today. She said I have anorexia. She wants me to get back to my normal weight and she wants me to eat. I have depression previously and have been taking medicine. Have been having overwhelming emotions lately. Because of it, I requested for her to increase my medicine dose, she refused. She said there will be side effects and it is even going to affect my body in a very negative way. She requested for me to eat more so that my emotions will be less overwhelming. I also have bad insomnia for one week until now. Before that, I took diaprezam (?) for few weeks and got tolerated and was unable to sleep. I requested for her to increase the dosage too but she refused. She said in order to treat my overwhelming emotions and insomia, i have to start eating.

She said it is impossible for me to maintain my current weight and wants me to get back to normal weight. which i am unwilling. She said if I go downhill, my organs might start to fail. But it is so hard to be convinced me to get back to normal weight. i feel bad and fat at normal weight, so how am i supposed to be a normal weight.. i really hate this. i rather be slim and beautiful while maintaining my eating habits. i feel i can survive life through my current eating habits, but she disagrees with me.. i am just regretting, i probably shouldnt have gone to the doctor, i should have kept quiet about it.

Created: Thu May 24 22:15:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lyymq/lunch/

[Discussion] Restricting and Insomnia
Created: Thu May 24 21:47:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lyssm/restricting_and_insomnia/
Does anyone else experience terrible insomnia while restricting? I started about a month ago and haven’t had a good night’s sleep since. I was taking gravol to make me drowsy but I hate being dependent on pills! It’s the worst too because all I want is to sleep so I can stop thinking about food for a while.

Failure ...
Created: Thu May 24 21:41:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lyrf9/failure/
I crashed after three days of keto. It wasn't healthy for me. I didn't get to eat before this huge hike which normally is fine (with carbs) but after donating blood & not sleeping; I got the worst hangry. Afterwards I had a huge blowout with my mom (failed classes for the millionth time, she invade private space) & I cried & just crashed. & said fuck feeling like this. At least if I am a failure I want to be eating carbs failure

& mentality I'm in a better spot& have energy to move but still dizzy tbh . But fuck , my stomach was flat and now I have a huge gut. I know I'm not over my calories & I worked out extra... wtf... gonna be a fat failure for my birthday on if this keeps up :*(

(On mobile, sorry for the rant, just wish i could have stuck it out.)

How do you counteract insults?
Created: Thu May 24 21:34:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lyq2o/how_do_you_counteract_insults/
My supposed to be BEST friend today gave me the “compliment” of saying “I wish my legs were as big as yours. I love big thighs”. I haven’t been able to stop crying. I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last 6 days. I’ve had an eating disorder since the age of 12 (I’m 21 now) and I still can’t handle comments like this. How can I feel better? What do y’all do to lift your spirits after being crushed like that?

[Goal] Falling back in. I have to weigh 125 by early January of 2019.
Created: Thu May 24 21:20:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lymzs/falling_back_in_i_have_to_weigh_125_by_early/
I’ve been nearly two months without a care in the world. Now I have a deadline I need to meet. I have until January to look good, I’ve lost 40 pounds already and somehow managed to maintain that same weight for almost two months, but I’ve been eating like a pig.

Tomorrow, I’m starting back on exercising/restricting, and I’m honestly excited. I have some diets set up (and by diets I mean hardcore restrictive ones.)

I’ll be starting with some exercise tomorrow/cutting out soda/shrinking my stomach. I’ll eat just a little tomorrow, hell I might even fast so I can shrink my stomach. It’s good to be back, I hate being so fat.

[Discussion] Does anyone else buy food, then don't eat it?
Created: Thu May 24 20:58:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lyibl/does_anyone_else_buy_food_then_dont_eat_it/
I love to buy things like pizzas, Chinese food, ribs...I love planning out grocery store trips. I made some chicken broccoli penne alfredo, made it look so good then didn't eat it

This Saturday we're having a BBQ with friends and I'm not going to eat anything. Why do I waste money? What satisfaction am I getting out of this

Frustrating how different everybody's perspectives are on my body.
Created: Thu May 24 20:54:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lyhk5/frustrating_how_different_everybodys_perspectives/
I hate that to some people, I look healthy. To some I look small. To some I look overweight/stocky. There's never a general consensus but I believe the negative things are probably the truth, and anything that can be interpreted as a compliment is just a backhanded way of seeing if I'm a gullible enough to believe a nice thing anyone has to say about me.

There's always going to be someone who thinks I should be smaller or shaped differently, I'm always going to agree with them, and I'll never be happy.

I'm about to drive to walmart at 11PM....
Created: Thu May 24 20:42:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lyewj/im_about_to_drive_to_walmart_at_11pm/
All because I want laxatives. Again. My other laxatives are in my new apartment... I put them there specifically so i wouldnt take them because I know how horroble they are and how disappointed my boyfriend would be if he knew how often i took them while he was gone...

He and I are going to see each other tomorrow after a month of essentially no contact and instead of being happy all i can think is how hes gonna see my bloated stomach and be disgusted because he lost so much weight during JRTC and I'm still a disgusting doughy mess.... I cant believe how weak I am. I dont deserve him.

[Other] What are you assuming
Created: Thu May 24 20:11:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ly8e1/what_are_you_assuming/

[Thinspo] Thinspo with stretch marks?
Created: Thu May 24 19:58:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ly5gh/thinspo_with_stretch_marks/
I don't know what to tag this as. Anyway, I've got stretch marks all over my stomach from being a fat pos and then also being pregnant. I have never seen thinspo with stretch marks and tbh looking at regular thinspo just makes me sad because I literally cannot look like those girls. Anyone know of any ig people or anything with pics like this?

Need to rant.
Created: Thu May 24 19:46:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ly2yd/need_to_rant/
Okay so I am seriously freaking out. I’m usually fine but now I can’t seem to stand myself. The thought of looking at myself again just makes me want to punch the mirror until it breaks into a million pieces. I can’t stand my lack of a jawline, my not flat stomach, and my big hips. I hate it and all I really want is to be skinny. I feel so alone. I constantly compare myself to others without even realizing it at times. I feel out of my mind.

[Rant/Rave] insecurities
Created: Thu May 24 19:40:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ly1ol/insecurities/
What's up my dudes. I left the sub for a while after reaching a peak weight, and I just wanted to be normal again. Normal as in mentally and physically (and physically as in my weight before the mental shit storm). I've reached a peak weight, and the thought of gaining more makes me want to die lmao. My current weight is from binging, and for some good news, my binging is not as bad!! I lost some weight going back to my normal eating habits, probably just water weight but it was still exciting because I felt like I was going to be myself again. During this time, food kind of stopped being a constant in my mind for a little, and my binging diminished significantly. Although my eating habits are normalish now, my weight is still high and I've genuinely never hated my body this much. My thighs are disgusting. My face is disgusting. My stomach is disgusting. My stomach jiggly-ness is all I can focus on. I don't know if I'm actually this fat or if it's my mind, but I just feel so shitty. I'm back on bullshit and I binged today and now I'm brushing my teeth so I can't eat anymore. My normalness was fun while it lasted!!!!! whatever on the plus side my binging is definitely less of an issue!!!! so far lol

tldr; I am fat.

Starting ABC on Monday!
Created: Thu May 24 19:27:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxyv1/starting_abc_on_monday/
Hey there. Anybody have any tips or meal ideas? I was going to go straight fruit for blood sugar. If anybody wants to be a buddy during this, that'd be pretty cool as well.

Wow I'm so rude for ignoring your constant messages
Created: Thu May 24 19:22:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxxll/wow_im_so_rude_for_ignoring_your_constant_messages/
So I decide to split things with former asshole and go out on a tinder date for fun. It was okay but I was on the fence on date 2.

My god. This guy messages me constantly. I'm not on my phone all the time, I have a job. And even when I'm not at work being social honestly overwhelms me sometimes. I just want some me time

Maybe it's because I'm older but just because you can see me say posting a snapchat story and I don't reply to your snap doesn't mean I'm giving you the cold shoulder. I honesty get distracted easily and with my restricting I've been extra tired and grumpy.

Bitchy boy gets mad that all I talk about is being "cold and tired" and essentially just wants to hook up. He said me not replying to him was "disrespectful".

Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion and if you find me not replying to your snaps the moment I get them disrespectful, or I wait to respond fine. Just letting you know that I'm not putting up with that behaviour and they have been blocked

I lost my appetite now

I just deleted a nice picture of my fiancé and I because my shadow looked fat
Created: Thu May 24 19:17:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxwn1/i_just_deleted_a_nice_picture_of_my_fiancé_and_i/
End my shit

[Help] Ok so it’s summer-wtf do I wear now?
Created: Thu May 24 19:14:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxvvz/ok_so_its_summerwtf_do_i_wear_now/
Ok so I’m curious to what you guys wear in the summer? I can no longer hide my fat behind oversized sweaters and leggings/sweats. Today it was almost 90 and I wore my usual look and the 13 year old I nanny was freaking out because she was sweating and I thought I’d over heat. I explained that I get really cold easily so that why I dress like that. I can’t wear shorts or rompers because of my huge thighs. I just can’t keep getting asked why I’m wearing so much clothes in this weather anymore.

Thx in advance!

Feeling like relapsing... need support.
Created: Thu May 24 19:07:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxuac/feeling_like_relapsing_need_support/
Long rant need support and don't know where to post.
I had a student placement at an agency last year doing social work stuff. After school was done I returned to that agency to volunteer while I was trying to figure out my plans for the summer. My volunteer intentions were not to get a job, but just to volunteer. My previous supervisor (Andy) was asking me if I would apply for the summer student position again. I liked the agency, but I debating on applying for another summer student position to get a different experience at another agency. Andy said that she wanted me to apply and the funding for the position was available. After anxious debating myself for a while if I should, I sent the agency my resume. I e-mailed my supervisors, supervisor (i.e. Boss Lady) and said that I was interested. I decided not to apply to other places, stopped other plans, turned down my mothers request to go on vacation because it would interfere with the start date. I went in for the interview last Tuesday (you legally have to do an interview, but I did not know they were interviewing other people for the position because I was told by Andy that she wanted me). I went again today to volunteer and asked Andy if she knew what was going on with the position and when the start date would be. She told me that her boss was calling the other persons references who applied for the position. I am extremely upset. I was lead on to believe that the position was guaranteed to be mine and that Andy wanted me back. If I did not think it was a guarantee I would have looked for other places. I know that Andy does like me, but I never thought Boss Lady did. I have really bad social anxiety disorder and when Boss Lady came around I was weird and reserved. Even if I get the position I am extremely upset and hurt. I hate myself and feel like an idiot. It's too late to apply for other summer student positions and there aren't any jobs in my area that are temporary for my field. I see people who are social, good looking and thin and things seem to come so easy to them. I see how people flock around them and just are nicer. It doesn't matter if you're smart and a women if you don't have one of those three things going for you. I want to stop eating again. People are just nicer to you when your thin. I wish I never put on weight. I don't know what I am ranting about I am just really upset. I hate myself and wish that I was social and thin again. I don't know if I can cure my social anxiety anytime soon, but I know I can cure my fatness.

[Discussion] Has anyone else gotten piercings while restricting?
Created: Thu May 24 19:04:18 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxtle/has_anyone_else_gotten_piercings_while_restricting/
So I’m going this weekend to get at least one piercing, maybe two. I’ve been restricting to 600 calories a day, which sometimes leaves me feeling a little weak. I have never in my life passed out, and I have had 11 piercings in the past. But I’ve never gotten pierced while restricting. Should I up my daily intake before I get pierced or will I be fine?

[Rant/Rave] Ate too much zucchini
Created: Thu May 24 18:45:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxp7o/ate_too_much_zucchini/
On mobile. Rant.

So I just steamed 3 large zucchini, seasoned it with salt and garlic powder, and ate all of it. And now I’m freaking out.

I know the whole thing was only like 120 calories, but I put so much salt on it and now I’m going to be bloated and look disgusting and I feel so full and heavy and I just want to scream.

My boyfriend bought 3 fucking pounds of hummus for me with pretzels to eat it with and I was scared that if I didn’t feel full, I’d end up eating all of it but now I just feel like I’m a piece of human garbage.

Why the fuck am I like this

[Discussion] Do you all punish yourselves when you slip up?
Created: Thu May 24 18:37:00 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxnab/do_you_all_punish_yourselves_when_you_slip_up/
I've gotten into the habit of cutting myself with a blade or burning myself with a cigarette whenever I eat something that's unplanned or high in calories. I don't really mind the pain I just hate the scars it leaves. They are constant reminders of all my failures. It's my favorite motivation to not eat what I'm not supposed to.

Just to make it clear, I'm not encouraging self-harm. This isn't some sort of tip. I'm just wondering if anyone else is this way.

dealing with setbacks?
Created: Thu May 24 18:36:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxn4f/dealing_with_setbacks/
I've been really careful this past week but today I slipped up! I had so many cashews (high calorie count and not even that filling!) and peanut butter (as you can see, I have a thing for nuts) and I'm so upset. I've also plateaued at 122 so that isn't helping, but I wanted to look good for pictures tomorrow. Ideas on what to do?

Anyone who force feeds here to gain weight? tw:assault
Created: Thu May 24 18:33:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxmks/anyone_who_force_feeds_here_to_gain_weight/
Please help. I feel so alone in this.

I have been sexually abused/raped and ever since I started to force feed myself to become overweight so I'm ugly and unattractive to men. I'm ready to be skinny again, but i keep yoyo-ing. Lose weight but get scared at any attention and start to force feed myself again.

I've ruined my body - loose skin, stretch marks, etc.

I just want to be tiny again but only feel invisible when i'm fat.

Really struggling with this but I don't think i've seen anyone going through anything similar here. : ( Anyone else? How to stop ?

[Help] i think i got my period but it’s really really light
Created: Thu May 24 18:06:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxg5d/i_think_i_got_my_period_but_its_really_really/
i’ve been restricting below 600 calories for about two months and my bmi is at around 19. I’ve never had issues with my period and it’s always been extremely regular. It feels like my period in terms of cramps and all that and is here at the right time but it’s extremely light to where it’s almost just spotting. It’s highly unlikely that i’m pregnant (although i guess it’s possible but i really doubt it) and i don’t know of anything else that could be causing it. has anyone else ever experienced anything like this and could i be losing my period? i know that you aren’t doctors but i just wanted to know if anyone else has ever experienced this.

[Rant/Rave] I guess I want everyone to know just by looking
Created: Thu May 24 17:58:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxege/i_guess_i_want_everyone_to_know_just_by_looking/
I don't even remember when I began wanting to be underweight but I felt somehow challenged to achieve a BMI of 19. Then I wanted to go slightly under, just to be sure. Then I got to 18.7 and I read that some places consider a BMI over 18.5 to still be healthy. Ok, so you want me to go lower? I'm not rushing but I'll get there.
Today I am officially at a BMI of 18.3. And then read that only a BMI under 18 is considered underweight. So that's where I'm headed now.
My hair is thinning out, my skins dry and I feel like this ugly dried out turd biscuit most of the time. But I feel lighter and more detached from the world and my own emotions, if that makes sense. This isn't about wanting to be prettier, it's about me looking how I feel and felt for most of my life. I was depressed most of my teens, I got bullied back in my school days, my family is "troubled" and not understanding of mental illness at all. I am still in the closet and couldn't talk to anyone about the heartbreak I am *still* going through one year and 3 months after my breakup with who others believed to be my best friend. It's pathetic, really. University is also stressing me tf out. I've got 5 exams coming up that I NEED to be done with this semester. At this point I am just living from one mental breakdown to the next. I have just one super awesome and supportive friend and she's going through some stuff as well, so I don't want to bother her with mine. But I still want people to *know* I am not fine, without me having to tell or explain. I never felt taken serious concerning my past suicidal tendencies and suicide attempts but then again, tall chubby brown girls are never taken serious when it comes to mental health. But lately people started paying attention and I am dying for this feeling of validation that I didn't even know I needed before I lost weight!

Anyway, today was my birthday. I am twenty-fucking-two years old and I feel lost, alone and weak. I am wasting time.

If you actually read all that I am probably also wasting yours, but thank you💜

I feel like a teenager again and I hate it
Created: Thu May 24 17:47:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxbwl/i_feel_like_a_teenager_again_and_i_hate_it/
Over the last 15 years or so I've been everywhere with this.

I started out binge eating. Got up to 12 stone.

I starated binging and purging. I still have damage on my teeth.

Started restricting in year 12. Got down to 7 1/2 by my 2nd year of uni. God I miss people saying they'll force feed me.

Uni was a blurr of drugs and alcohol and the same food every day.

Still can't eat bananas or porridge. There's one food that is still my nickname with some people.

My first office job I hit 10 stone. I remberer crying when I got on the scales. I remember wearing dresses into work because I was too fat for skinny jeans.

My last office job I hit 11 stone. My girlfriend at the time threw away the scales.

I took a career change and started working out every day. I hit sub 20% body fat and could run up mountins.

Work got stressful and I went back up to 10 stone.

My wife left me. I binged for a year and now weight 14 stone.

A year later, to the day and I loose the ability to eat. I count everything. Can't finnish anything. I feel sick

I'm bored now. I want to get off this ride. am nearly 30.

I feel like I'm 15 again but without the hope. What is even the point now when the best years of my life are over and wastes?

/end rant

Fave snack: saladitos/preserved plum. Super low cal (like 20 cal for a pack that lasts ALL DAY), tons of flavour, and salty so you chug water
Created: Thu May 24 17:43:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxawy/fave_snack_saladitospreserved_plum_super_low_cal/

Fave snack: saladitos/preserved plums. Super low cal (like 20 cal for a package that lasts ALL DAY), lots of flavour, makes you thirsty so you chug water.
Created: Thu May 24 17:42:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lxao9/fave_snack_saladitospreserved_plums_super_low_cal/

[Discussion] Update. I was Rx'd Vyvanse for BED
Created: Thu May 24 17:21:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lx5j9/update_i_was_rxd_vyvanse_for_bed/

Does r/fasting have some sort of secret?!
Created: Thu May 24 16:58:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwzjl/does_rfasting_have_some_sort_of_secret/
How do they fast for so long?! And how come they get praised and encourage for it?! What is their secret?!

Feeling like lapsing back into ED
Created: Thu May 24 16:55:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwyra/feeling_like_lapsing_back_into_ed/
Ever since my parents pushed me (almost forced me) to gain weight I have been obsessively counting calories and going to the gym so I gain the least amount of fat as possible.

I met a girl a week ago and we have been hanging out *a lot* since, I guess you could call her a girlfriend. She is very skinny and doesn't eat a lot (on our first date she said "i promise im not anorexic). From the time we've spent together, it seems possible she has an ED.

I have never connected nearly as much personally and romantically with a girl (in things other than possible ED) like her, but am *deathly* afraid to tell anyone about my past anorexia and current obsessive calorie counting/weighing. I don't know what to tell her (if anything)

Why do I get dizzy when I eat after restricting?
Created: Thu May 24 16:51:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwxnw/why_do_i_get_dizzy_when_i_eat_after_restricting/
When I’ve been fasting/restricting really hard and I start eating a meal/binging why do I get dizzy? I feel like I get spots in my vision too. I feel nauseous. Every time I’m binging after restricting I get really dizzy, sleepy and uncoordinated. Anybody know why this happens?

[Help] I’m so depressed i can’t get myself out of the bed and have living on junk food for 2 days.
Created: Thu May 24 16:43:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwvj1/im_so_depressed_i_cant_get_myself_out_of_the_bed/
I can’t get myself out of bed,it’s like there’s no reason for me to try and have been living on cereal, cookies and takis since yesterday.

[Discussion] Eating the same foods everyday
Created: Thu May 24 16:39:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwuh8/eating_the_same_foods_everyday/
Does anyone else find themselves eating the same meals each day? My routine is black tea and an orange or apple for breakfast, eggs for lunch, and rice, vegetables, and either chicken or pork for dinner. I eat these meals at specific times during the day and find it really comforting to stick to this pattern.

I can eat other things but then I have to calculate and deal with different portions... and it's just easier not to. My boyfriend has definitely gotten sick of rice and chicken though!

Do you follow a routine like this? What are your go-to meals?

Recovering metabolism without weight gain
Created: Thu May 24 16:34:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwt8s/recovering_metabolism_without_weight_gain/
So I've been losing weight like mad recently with a mixture of a newfound love of exercise and (with all exercise taken into account) 100-200 cal per day, but I'm getting pretty close to reaching my goal and I don't want to lose more than that. I don't want to lose more weight but I also couldn't bare to gain or drop the exercise. I'd be fine just staying at my exercise level and going up by 100 cal per week intake, since I've heard that can work, but would it fail with a rather active lifestyle? I don't want to lose or gain, so any advice on getting to a normal eating cycle? Is it possible to still exercise while 'recovering' in a sense? ((Also advice on gaining muscle during this metabolism recovery would be helpful))

[Rant/Rave] I suddenly hate my favourite outfit and I hate that I hate it
Created: Thu May 24 16:11:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwnla/i_suddenly_hate_my_favourite_outfit_and_i_hate/
I have a second date with a girl tomorrow and together with a friend, I picked out an outfit. It's really one of my favourites, an army green croptop that shows off my boobs nicely (they're the only thing I feel confident about so that's always important for me) and black shorts. I usually really love this outfit, but not now. I feel really insecure about my body, my stomach in particular. I feel like I shouldn't have eaten at all the past few days if I wanted to actually wear this outfit. I'm scared to put it on tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I'll put on something else. Why am I like this? I *love* that outfit and I look amazing in it usually, but now the only thing I can see is my fat stomach and my body full of scars and I hate this. I really don't know what to do.

Can eating too many shirataki noodles cause problems?
Created: Thu May 24 16:06:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwm67/can_eating_too_many_shirataki_noodles_cause/
Okay, so, I may come off as a little crazy, but I have this huge phobia of, like, stomach problems, like being nauseated, vomiting, etc. (Maybe that’s weird to say with an ED, but I’m more restrictive than anything. . . )

Anyway, I got a pack of shirataki noodles and loved them, but the recipe I used said they could cause stomach problems. Well, I ate half a 7 oz. bag a couple days ago and there was no problem, so then I ate a full bag for dinner last night and had no problem.

So now I want to eat them, like, all the time. So low cal and feels like real food?? How could I not? BUT I’m worried that eating it too often could cause stomach problems, and the website I was on was all “could cause gastroenteritis blockage” and idk.

I’m probably just a hypochondriac. But I was wondering if anyone else eats a shit ton of these noodles and were fine/weren’t fine.

Oh, also, hi. First post on a throwaway I use to browse all the subs my fiancé doesn’t need to know about.

[Discussion] Who carries all their weight in their lower half?
Created: Thu May 24 15:44:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwgjm/who_carries_all_their_weight_in_their_lower_half/
So I binged for about 3 weeks straight, and contrary to my last post, I only gained 10 pounds- but, it still looked like a lot on my 5’1 body. Oddly enough, I only gained like 1 inch around my waist- but I gained about 3 inches on EACH of my thighs, one inch on my calves, AND 2 inches around my butt. I swear, everything is just stored down there 🙄

[Rant/Rave] i took one bite of that stupid fucking scone and i was full. but i ate the rest and a fiber 1 brownie anyway.
Created: Thu May 24 15:37:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwemf/i_took_one_bite_of_that_stupid_fucking_scone_and/
i guess i just have no self control! my friend keeps telling me i’m anorexic because i’m underweight but really?? they don’t eat scones. my net calories today is 604. which is about 700 more than i planned to eat! goodbye to my 31 hour fast!

then i ate the brownie cause i haven’t gone #2 in two days and my scale says i’m 108.4 but if it’s all water weight i might be even lower.

at least it didn’t turn into a full blown binge. i’ve actually been better at that lately, hence the broken plateau.

[Rant/Rave] What am I doing on a Thursday night?
Created: Thu May 24 15:26:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lwbxt/what_am_i_doing_on_a_thursday_night/
well, I'm sitting in bed in my underwear looking at pictures of Sasha Grey and sobbing because my boyfriend prefers her to me and she has an ass and a body i could only dream of having. i want to scream and cut my fat off and fucking starve until i disappear. i hate my fucking brain and my low self esteem and my fucking flesh prison unworthy of love or care or admiration

My chinese boss just called me fat!!! Cant wait to off myself LOL
Created: Thu May 24 15:19:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lw9xq/my_chinese_boss_just_called_me_fat_cant_wait_to/
Haha how's everyone else's day going?

[Discussion] Goodbye for now
Created: Thu May 24 15:17:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lw9fr/goodbye_for_now/
I'm leaving this sub for now while I'm doing well. Many of these posts are just too triggering for my ed and I want to stay on the right path for as long as I can. You are all such supportive and beautiful people and I wish you all well.

[Rant/Rave] I purged for the first time in years
Created: Thu May 24 15:16:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lw934/i_purged_for_the_first_time_in_years/
I've been on a three day binge. Spent like £35, which I don't have, on food. Put on practically a million pounds. I can't talk to anyone in real life because I am so painfully embarrassed of my binge eating. Literally just eating anything I can get my hands on. I haven't eaten pizza for like months because I've been restricting and I feel so guilty for eating it, I can feel the half that I couldn't make myself throw up just sitting in my stomach and it's so heavy. I just needed to get it out of me so bad. My hands stink of pizza-vomit. I'm literally sitting on the bathroom floor feeling like death. I've washed my hands like a million times but I can't get the smell out. I used to purge quite a bit, like three years ago, but I've not done it forever and half of me feels shattered that I've broken a clean streak and half of me feels so shitty that I'm out of practice now and I can't do it like I did before.

Sorry if I've broken any rules or anything, I'm new around here and I just needed to tell someone or my head was going to explode.

[Discussion] How long did it take for you to realize you had an ED?
Created: Thu May 24 14:44:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lw0dn/how_long_did_it_take_for_you_to_realize_you_had/

In your opinion, which is the best apple variety?
Created: Thu May 24 14:40:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lvzay/in_your_opinion_which_is_the_best_apple_variety/
Honeycrisp all day every day for me

[Rant/Rave] Lowest weight in years, 4lbs from lowest adult weight
Created: Thu May 24 14:29:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lvwah/lowest_weight_in_years_4lbs_from_lowest_adult/
I haven't updated my flair in a long time but I did a liquid fast for 10 days (I'm on day 10) and finally got into the 120s (128 as of today) and I thought I would be happy to be 4 pounds away from my LW and also 10 pounds from my current GW... but I still look chubby and on top of that I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't feel like I am enjoying life and I can't make plans with people because I'm afraid of eating. I tell myself once I get to my GW everything will go back to normal but lmao we all know that's not true
Anyway sorry for this miserable rant, I just have nobody to talk to about this

[Rant/Rave] Everything is going right in my life and I am still so god damn miserable
Created: Thu May 24 13:52:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lvloc/everything_is_going_right_in_my_life_and_i_am/
I just had like the absolute best 24 hours in a long time. My boyfriend told me he loves me for the first time and oh my god I could feel it when he said it, I have felt it for so long and it honestly was magical lol. Then we spent the next day on the lake with our friends, got drunk and played pool and just generally had a good day. I was fasted and feeling really good about myself and I’m only 5 lbs away from my goal so life is good. Then I found out I got accepted into the only nursing program I applied to (I was initially denied but they accepted me as an alternate for the fall quarter and if I don’t get in that quarter I am automatically accepted for winter). I was not expecting to actually get accepted and the program is super competitive so I didn’t think it would happen.
Then I had a bonfire with my boyfriend and brother and everyone was sooooo happy for me and my bf took me to get Chinese food and donuts to celebrate. We got high and watched tv and had sex and had a great night. Everything is fucking perfect.

So why did I wake up so god damn sad?! Probably bc I have food in my body and I feel fucking disgusting. So pretty much I have everything I could want but this fucking eating disorder is keeping me from being happy. And I am not ready to recover so I don’t know what to do.

I am seeing my doctor today to hopefully start anxiety medication or antidepressants- which I am not thrilled about but I need some kind of help and it’s not happening on my own.

Sorry this was a big ramble I just needed to get it out

I felt like I was dying today
Created: Thu May 24 13:27:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lvel5/i_felt_like_i_was_dying_today/
I get these phases where feeling hungry makes me feel super powerful, like I have all the willpower and strength in the world and I can do absolutely anything. And usually I just eat out of boredom, not real hunger, or more like I forgot what "real" hunger used to feel like it just constantly feels empty, you know. But today I was starving. I could've eaten straight lettuce out of a garbage can. And the more I ate, the more stressed I became. About finding a job and money and family and just everything got more and more stressful the more I ate, it was absolutely awful, but I couldn't stop eating the whole day. I was just laying in bed afterwards and I got this super strange feeling like my heart was about to stop. I couldn't feel my heartbeat. It was terrifying. Idk what the hell happened today but I just wanted to put it out here because I was so scared.

[Rant/Rave] fuck clinical teams
Created: Thu May 24 13:19:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lvcgt/fuck_clinical_teams/
let me start out by saying I really thought I could do it this time.
I did php and iop for a cumulative 5.5 months this time round, and I thought I could possibly live without starving myself/purging.
I would always ask my team if i was in my 'range' and for the entirety of my time post gain, I was according to them. I discharged in not a good place, but I was trying my best. I trusted my team because after those months of crying about my fear about gaining more weight, and their response of why don't you trust us', I kinda just stopped and tried to believe them.
I had my first op dietician appointment and as I haven't been doing so hot with food, she weighed me. I was above the range.
I was so livid. I went to an alumni group held by my php and just cried. I was so sad and angry finding this out. I just wanted to be able to trust them and they lied.
I talked to the program dietician, she apologized because she said it was done for my safety and my best intention.
Tuesday, I got an email from the program therapist I worked with and I got banned from attending groups.
I've been spiraling for a while but the weight piece really solidified it. That email didn't help my psyche either.
I feel better in the midst of behaviors, more stable. I just don't really know what I'm doing anymore. Resolving to losing weight is my plan so far, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. The living with the ED. I also don't think I'll ever be able to live without it.
I don't know if putting this out into the universe will help any, but I just didn't want to feel so alone for a second.
If you read through all this, thank you.

[Other] Is my drink really diet? And other stupid concerns.
Created: Thu May 24 13:17:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lvbuq/is_my_drink_really_diet_and_other_stupid_concerns/
I ordered a large Diet Coke. It’s marked Diet Coke. But it tastes a little *too* good. I tested it to see if it’s sticky and it’s not which I’ve read means it’s diet. I’m not sure enough to want to drink it. I want to throw it out but I also desperately need caffeine.

Why is everything so stupid?

Why can’t I just drink a beverage without over analyzing it?

[Discussion] Boyfriend bought me dinner.. refuses to believe I like it because of how much I eat
Created: Thu May 24 13:13:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lvava/boyfriend_bought_me_dinner_refuses_to_believe_i/
So my bf buys me food quite a bit and wants to go out to eat a lot. Usually I let him decide where we eat but he always chooses places that are super high calorie. He is like a twig so I feel self conscious eating anyway but now since I'm eating less he is like convinced I just don't like the food and is super apologetic which would be cute if that was true, but he got me like expensive food (that WAS good) and idk how to navigate this lol. He also like eyes me funny if I order a salad or something :/

Any advice on how to deal with keeping boyfriends or significant others from paying too much attention or how to deal with this in general? I want to lose some weight soon because I'm literally so much bigger than him :( AND he wants to go to the beach soon which makes me wanna restrict even more 😭

What is the most inspiring weight loss success story/progress picture(s) you've seen?
Created: Thu May 24 13:08:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lv9dq/what_is_the_most_inspiring_weight_loss_success/
Needing some major inspiration and I feel like other people could use some too. Link your most inspiring weight loss progress pics/stories c:

ty in advance ♥

[Discussion] wearing bigger clothes to feel small
Created: Thu May 24 12:27:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8luxv8/wearing_bigger_clothes_to_feel_small/
this is prob a dumb question but does anybody else wear their old ”””fat””” clothes, buy clothes that are three sizes too big, or wear their significant others clothing on days when they feel extra big to help feel tinier?

i’m (5’5, 135lbs) wearing my boyfriends (6’1, 220lbs) muscle shirt to the gym today in lieu of any of my workout tops because it’s absolutely massive on me and i feel like i can hide in it and nobody can look at my gross rolls while i’m doing sit-ups :^)

Dreams about binging
Created: Thu May 24 12:23:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8luwki/dreams_about_binging/
I thought I might as well share this with you guys. Last night I dreamt about binging on peanut butter and it was wonderful. Then I woke up and remembered I don't even like peanut butter.

So yeah. I'd love to hear some similar stories.

[Discussion] DAE purge alcohol?
Created: Thu May 24 12:11:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lut87/dae_purge_alcohol/
Whenever I get drunk I can’t help but binge, and purging afterwards is.... soo euphoric. Something about the alcohol mixed with the high from purging is so good and as soon as I’m done purging I lay down and it literally sends waves of pleasure through my whole body.

(Writing this in the middle of a drunk binge and watching Intervention lol. It’s tough cuz I hate myself for it but also it all feels so good.)

[Discussion] DAE hate food??
Created: Thu May 24 11:49:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lumtg/dae_hate_food/
I hate every single thing about food. I hate that I I’m supposed to “need” it to survive. I hate the smell. Every little thing revolving food, meal times, etc. Hate it all!

Idk if it’s just me, but it’s not some love/hate relationship with food, it’s just all hate.

[Discussion] Does anyone else love watching Matt Stonie??
Created: Thu May 24 11:48:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lums8/does_anyone_else_love_watching_matt_stonie/

[Rant/Rave] [Possible trigger warning] Do you guys ever feel suicidal after purging?
Created: Thu May 24 11:27:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8luglf/possible_trigger_warning_do_you_guys_ever_feel/
I know I do. I binged on a gazillion calories and just finished purging some of those. I looked at my face in the mirror after doing it and I felt so much disgust with myself it's unbearable. I couldn't believe how much I felt like I needed to keep vomiting. Is there any meaning to life if all I'm ever going to do is feel bad about existing? Then also feel bad when I want to not exist anymore? I always need to sit down and cry for a while after purging because I just can't stand the self\-hatred. I even have class in an hour and Idk if I'm going to be able to go \(I've decided not to go so many times that the teacher told me if I missed class once more I wouldn't be allowed to go anymore\). Just wanted to post my thoughts somewhere since my therapist wants to tell on my parents and I don't have anyone else.

Have purged two days in a row and my tummy is upset now... any advice?
Created: Thu May 24 11:12:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lucd0/have_purged_two_days_in_a_row_and_my_tummy_is/

[Rant/Rave] My boyfriend keeps embarrassing me
Created: Thu May 24 11:09:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lubgo/my_boyfriend_keeps_embarrassing_me/
So my boyfriend knows my eating disorder is really bad right now. Sometimes he lets me get away with it, but sometimes in the breakroom he'll berate me for only bringing to hard boiled eggs for lunch. Like. Out in public. And I know he doesn't realize just how embarrassing it is, but shortly afterward I had one of my coworkers say "Are you not eating right? Are you eating enough?" And I had to tell her I was I just felt sick. It was so embarrassing I wanted to die. I wish he wouldn't actively talk about it in public because it's something I'd rather keep private. Everyone at work knows I don't eat a lot, they all know I eat very little, they've commented on it. They just don't know why. I wish he'd just keep quiet about it, and when I confronted him he said he was sorry but I'm scared he'll do it again. He's supportive and amazing most of the time but I don't know why he has to be like this.

[Rant/Rave] Getting embarassed
Created: Thu May 24 11:08:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lub0p/getting_embarassed/
So my boyfriend knows my eating disorder is really bad right now. Sometimes he lets me get away with it, but sometimes in the breakroom he'll berate me for only bringing to hard boiled eggs for lunch. Like. Out in public. And I know he doesn't realize just how embarrassing it is, but shortly afterward I had one of my coworkers say "Are you not eating right? Are you eating enough?" And I had to tell her I was I just felt sick. It was so embarrassing I wanted to die. I wish he wouldn't actively talk about it in public because it's something I'd rather keep private. Everyone at work knows I don't eat a lot, they all know I eat very little, they've commented on it. They just don't know why. I wish he'd just keep quiet about it, and when I confronted him he said he was sorry but I'm scared he'll do it again. He's supportive and amazing most of the time but I don't know why he has to be like this.

I'm going to cry (In a good way)
Created: Thu May 24 11:05:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lua5l/im_going_to_cry_in_a_good_way/
I was talking to one of my coworkers about going to the gym together and we were discussing our weight goals. I told him I wanted to get down to the low hundreds and he said if I did I could totally be a model.
I'm sure he was just playing around but it made me feel really good. 😊

Plateauing For Three Weeks and I Wanna Die
Created: Thu May 24 10:59:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lu8c4/plateauing_for_three_weeks_and_i_wanna_die/
I can't get under 125 and its passing me off!!! Like I lost and lost and lost and then halted around 130 and then it took what felt like 100 years to lose that 5 pounds and now I'm just not budging. And I can't fast because my family already suspects I have an ED but I restrict to 500 calories a day. Should I lower it to 200-300? I dunno what to do!! I've never been so static in my weight loss. Even a binge day to a restriction week isn't working.

I work out for an hour but it's light exercise since I always low restrict. ): Help meeee.

[Rant/Rave] group photos
Created: Thu May 24 10:57:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lu7uf/group_photos/
i know a ton of people have this problem, but i dont really have any irl friends so ive never had anybody post a photo of me other than myself until the other night.

my theater club always goes to hang out at the local dairy queen after the final performance (most ppl just get a blizzard or a small fry if anything so its not a pressure to eat scenario), and i was pretty happy with myself since id managed to end up at a table with this really beautiful senior, the girl playing the lead, and her boyfriend. sometime during all this one of the tech crew came up to take a photo of us and posted it on instagram w the others shed taken there and backstage during the production

its the only photo im in and i gotta say, compared to everyone else i look fucking disgusting

[Discussion] BED sufferers, what Rx has helped you?
Created: Thu May 24 10:53:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lu6nf/bed_sufferers_what_rx_has_helped_you/

Hit me with your favorite "diet" whatever drinks
Created: Thu May 24 10:52:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lu6bf/hit_me_with_your_favorite_diet_whatever_drinks/
About to go to the store and load up.

[Discussion] DAE have someone that is this crazy supportive? I’m feeling horrible this week and I almost happy cried when I got this text before seeing bae. He offered me a cupcake instead which is my happy food and I was thrilled.
Created: Thu May 24 10:22:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lty1v/dae_have_someone_that_is_this_crazy_supportive_im/

I need help
Created: Thu May 24 10:19:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ltx0w/i_need_help/
I weigh 140lbs and I really struggle with my weight. I’ve struggles for years and I feel like nothing works. I try and work out but I loose motivation very fast. I’m scared to even leave my house because I don’t want to be seen , it’s getting warmer for summer and I’m terrified because I don’t want to be seen and I don’t have anything to wear that I’m confident in. I haven’t eaten today and i feel proud of myself but I don’t even know if I will manage to keep it up.

[Discussion] DAE drink sparkling ICE?
Created: Thu May 24 10:11:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ltuyc/dae_drink_sparkling_ice/
Are they really 0 Cals? I kind've don't believe it.

Riding On That ED-Compliment High Train
Created: Thu May 24 10:02:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lts4p/riding_on_that_edcompliment_high_train/
So this is essentially a II part compliment post.

The first being that I’m currently in a medical field related school, and part of that is taking blood pressure on classmates. As we are nearing the end of the program, we have to practice our skills for the instructor using each other as “patients.” So I volunteer to be the patient of one of the guys in my glass, and I’m immediately dismissed as “my arms are far to small for the regular sized cuffs, and the blood pressure reading will be inaccurate.” Now, I know this is true. My little-ass arms slip right out of the cuff, but it’s was pathetically pleasurable to hear it said by multiple people today.

The other compliment was from the guy I’ve been kind of seeing. The other night he took me to a bar/flea market and I was talking up and joking with every random stranger there. This won me a lot of free alcohol. However I drank way too much. To the point of blacking out, or so I thought. I ended up recalling a bit of the night. Apparently I ended up throwing up in a soccer field and telling the guy I’m seeing that I love him. (Classy, I know.) I texted him today, telling him my memories and apologizing profusely again. He told me it was alright, and that I’m “quite the quiet-puker.” I contribute that to years of practice while living with roommates or family.

What even is my life?

[Rant/Rave] Face Standards
Created: Thu May 24 09:48:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ltoh7/face_standards/
no matter what, i can NEVER become conventionally attractive

even if i weighed 90 pounds that wouldn’t fix my face
maybe a little, at least i’d have a jawline

Feeling Discouraged
Created: Thu May 24 09:43:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ltn34/feeling_discouraged/
I have had disordered eating all of my life. From as far back as I can remember I was afraid of being fat, trying to restrict my eating, doing exercises to burn calories, and critiquing my body in the bathroom mirror. Despite my fears, I admit that I was always very slim; when I was 18 I weighed around 120 pounds. However, over the 5 years I spent in university I put on 35 pounds and became the heaviest I ever was at 155. I know that this isn't overweight per say, but I was extremely uncomfortable in my body, constantly crying and dressing in large, shapeless clothes to cover my body.
I did manage to lose 10 pounds this past fall due to a diet change but I still hated myself even at 145.

A month ago I went back to the habits that I had picked up when I was younger and began restricting my diet. I have lost 12 pounds and I am now 133lbs which I admit makes me feel a bit better about myself. However, over the past couple of days I have been bouncing between 132.5 and 134 despite eating less than 600 calories a day. This is super frustrating to me because I know I have been super careful and I feel like I have put in the work and the will power to avoid high calorie foods but my scale just doesn't match up with my efforts. Out of frustration today I binged on a 360 calorie tub of ice cream (not a lot, I know) and I feel even worse about myself. I just want to remain in bed in a cocoon and will the fat to leave my body.

I apologize for the long rant but I just feel so disgusting and helpless.

Learning how to lose weight the healthy way, and becoming obsessed with "speeding up the process".
Created: Thu May 24 09:26:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lti8t/learning_how_to_lose_weight_the_healthy_way_and/
Lately I've been using a weight loss calculator to make some predictions. Apparently if I walk 30 minutes once a day, with a diet of 1,200cal/day, I could be down to 111 in a year. So of course my dumb ass is thinking "if that's the case, if I cut to 600cal/day with a hour walk, could I manage that in 6 months?" 🙄 why am I like this lol.

[Discussion] DAE with a fitness tracker freak out when they don’t hit their step/calorie burn goal?
Created: Thu May 24 09:22:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lth4h/dae_with_a_fitness_tracker_freak_out_when_they/
I get so much anxiety when it’s 11:30pm and I’m 4K steps short or haven’t hit my 2500kcl goal I feel like such a fat f*ck failure 😞

[Other] Was playing an MMORPG the other night, when a dungeon boss yelled threats that I think everyone here has felt at least once...
Created: Thu May 24 08:56:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lt9r1/was_playing_an_mmorpg_the_other_night_when_a/
Marwyn yells: Death is all that you will find here!
Marwyn yells: Waste away into nothingness!
Marwyn yells: Yes... Run... Run to meet your destiny... Its bitter, cold embrace, awaits you
Marwyn yells: Choke on your suffering!

As soon as I heard 'waste away', my ED brain perked up. And then he yelled 'choke on your suffering!' and the bulimic in me smirked.

When you reach a special level of IDGAF and stop hiding your ED
Created: Thu May 24 08:45:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lt6s6/when_you_reach_a_special_level_of_idgaf_and_stop/
I’ll be 25 in a couple weeks. I’m married. I’ve had an eating disorder for 15 years. I’ve been some kind of combo of treatment and therapy for just as long. I’m happier, and just an all-around better human to be around when I can engage in whatever disordered behavior I want.

I used to hide who I was, and I used to cover up my restriction/Weightloss/overexercising/binging at all costs. I used to be mortified if I went through a checkout line with more than a “normal”’amount of food, saying it was for a party. (lol)

...but then one day I just stopped caring. I used to hide from my husband that I woke up at 4 am to get my entire days worth of steps in before 6 am. Now he asks what I was doing and say “burning calories.” Or I used to lie and say I just ate before he came home. Now I blatantly don’t eat meals, and if he asks what I had for lunch and dinner, I say “lemon water. What about you?”

I don’t even care anymore. I probably should. This should probably worry me. But in total truth, it doesn’t. I’ve accepted that this is going to be my life and I’m tired of feeling like everyone else is right and deserves to feel good about my choices. Eff that. If I want to lose 33 more pounds (which I am in the process of doing) then that is my choice.

I’m a grown ass adult. And that’s how I feel about that. 😂

[Rant/Rave] ive been stuck at the same weight for about 2 months now and it freaking sucks
Created: Thu May 24 08:32:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lt3fo/ive_been_stuck_at_the_same_weight_for_about_2/
its SO frustrating. i've always been overweight my entire life, hw was about 172 lbs so nearly obese (im 5'3). i've always suffered from binge eating disorder but never thought about doing something it, until last september, when i started learning a bit more about calories, diets etc and decided it was time to change.

lost abt 40 lbs in 7 months by restricting A LOT, i felt so great!

but NOW

now my binging habits seem to have returned and i swear to god, the scale has been stuck at my cw (130 lbs) for MONTHS. its fucking frustrating. i still feel (and look) so fat, even if technically im at a normal weight for my height. i just wanna lose another 20 lbs to look at least a bit skinny like i've always wanted to feel but NOOO, i restrict for 3/4 days then binge and gain that little weight i lost and cry and start restricting again. why tf am i like this. its an endless restrict/ binge cycle. and now i can't even purge anymore bc my parents busted me & they're now checking obsessively every little thing to make sure i don't purge anymore. jesus christ i just wanna lose the last pounds to get to my gw, it shouldn't be that difficult. but it is. idk. kill me pls.

btw i wrote this after another 1,800+ calories binge ahah kill me

I didn't know my binges were that bad
Created: Thu May 24 08:25:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lt1o6/i_didnt_know_my_binges_were_that_bad/
Yesterday I ordered food online, like always. The doorbell apparently broke so I didn't hear the delivery guy. So my flatmate brings me the food and bruh. He was straight up shocked that I was gonna eat it all by myself. His friend was joking that I could go a week off this shit. While its a bit rude I didn't really care but when I got to my room it just hit me

Literally the only reason I'm not morbidly obese is that I only eat 1 meal a day. I'm suddenly so disgusted with myself, how didn't this hit me before? I haven't eaten a thing since, I don't know how I can even eat anymore. Usually I'm not even that hungry when I order these binge meals but I still do it. I just eat for no reason at all

DEA look at r/progresspics by weight?
Created: Thu May 24 08:24:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lt1c4/dea_look_at_rprogresspics_by_weight/
i recently realized that on the sidebar you can find your sex/height and see those specific progress pictures. i'm f/4'11" so i was able to look at these:


it's good reference, since i never know what my body could look like at certain weight. also, i think i need to lose more weight than i originally intended. lol.

People who struggle with binging on food they crave, do you think it's better to go "cold turkey" on junk food or to regularily incorporate small amounts?
Created: Thu May 24 07:43:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lsqfh/people_who_struggle_with_binging_on_food_they/
So I've noticed that there are two extremely different points of view in regard to dealing with binge food cravings:
1. The "addiction theory" - people binge because they are addicted to their binge foods just like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. And just like an alcoholic will never be able to drink moderately again, a binger should go "cold turkey" on all of their trigger foods, otherwise they will stay addicted forever.
2. The "forbidden fruit theory" - people binge because they don't allow themselves certain foods as a part of their daily diet. If you never allow yourself a small serving of, say, chocolate, and only eat it during binges, your brain will get more and more obsessed with the idea of chocolate and you'll start fantasising about it until you can't handle it anymore and binge.

A former therapist of mine actually contradicted himself in those two points all the time. If I proudly told him that I bought a bar of chocolate and succeeded in occaisonally incorporating a normal serving into my daily meal plan without binging on the whole bar, he went "nooo, you're addicted to sugar, if you're not going cold turkey you'll stay a bulimic forever". If I proudly told him that I succeeded in eating a clean diet and even declined the mini chocolate a friend gave me, he went "nooo, if you forbid yourself certain foods you'll only grow more obsessed about them, if you don't learn to eat a small treat every now and then you'll stay a bulimic forever" lol.

So what's your opinion about these? Have you tried one of the approaches and how has it worked for you?

(BTW, I'm only talking about binges that are triggered by food cravings here. I know that binges that serve as a coping mechanism or as a form of self harm are a different story - if you binge on random food because you don't have another way to deal with sadness/emptiness/loneliness/selfhatred/.../, of course going cold turkey on junk food won't do shit...)

[Discussion] Does anyone else diet for the privilege to do life goals?
Created: Thu May 24 07:36:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lsokx/does_anyone_else_diet_for_the_privilege_to_do/
Weirdly phrased title, sorry. Basically what I mean is, I restrict and lose weight so I can allow myself to do things, especially major things

* I don't want to get married until I'm at my UGW
* Probably not even engaged until I'm a few goal weights down
* After SO graduates college with his master's we're moving to south Georgia or Florida. Because it's so hot and there's bikinis and tank tops and shorts I can't move there until I'm thin
* I've ALWAYYYS wanted to try pole dancing. But I'm too much of a blob and will look like a hippo on a pole
* etc.

I know it's toxic to let my ED rule my life about this but I genuinely feel so much anxiety and hatred about being seen and ESPECIALLY PHOTOGRAPHED while "fat" at these events/landmarks.

Does anyone relate?

Obsessive calorie counters, how do you count homemade food which calorie content changes drastically during preperation or storage?
Created: Thu May 24 07:13:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lsjba/obsessive_calorie_counters_how_do_you_count/
Like deep-frying, fermentation, or drying.
Some friends of mine want me to cook falafel and I don't think I can get away with my usual method of preparing them (oven baking or pan frying them in 5 ml of oil). Let's face it, falafel are only REALLY good if you deep fry them or at least partly submerge them in hot oil. How do I figure out how much oil they soaked up during cooking?
At first, I thought I could just weigh them before and after frying, but then I realized that some of the water weight would probably evaporate during cooking... for example, if one falafel ball weighs 20 g before frying and 25 after, they COULD have soaked up 5 g of fat, but they also could have lost 5 g of water and soaked up 10 g of fat.
Would weighting the oil before and after frying work? But then I would need to be pretty careful to not spill anything and not to splash around too much while cooking... What do you guys do in these situations? Or do you just look up the calories for "falafel, deep fried" (or "french fries, deep fried" or "fried chicken" or "churros" or whatever you're frying) and use that?

I would also LOVE to make kombucha at home because I live for that shit and it's expensive as fuck in the store. But how can I figure out the calories? Basically, you use tea and a fuckton of sugar and then let the mixture get fermented by a special kombucha fungus. The fungus uses up a lot of the calories from the sugar and metabolises it into other stuff (mostly acids, CO2 and a very small amount of ethanol) and I don't know how to calculate how much... I could use a glucose testring strip to figure out how much sugar is still left after fermentation, but then I still wouldn't know how much of all the other byproducts are in there and ethanol has lots of calories. Or should I just play it safe and count all the calories from the sugar even if the fungus burnt most of them?

My third counting issue is stuff that dries out during storage. For example, fruit, veggies and especially bread will lose water and get lighter the longer you store them. Say, a 50g serving of fresh bread has 160 calories, but after a few days, 5g of water has evaporated, so now you need to weight out 45g to stay at 160 calories. What's the best way to figure out the change? Should I just slice up all the bread while it's still fresh and weight out the servings before they lost any water? I thought about slicing off a certain amount while it's fresh and weigh that every time I sliced off more to calculate the percentage of lost weight (so if my 50g slice only weights 45 g, I could assume that all of the bread lost 10% of its mass), but the single slice would probably dry out faster than the rest of the loaf :'( I guess I can only buy pre-sliced bread now, and all the slices need to be exactly the same size so the calories will always be the same, otherwise my obsessive-compulsive calorie counting will drive me M.A.D.
Same with fruit and veg: I can weigh out an apple when it's fresh and weigh it again after a week to calculate the percentage of weight the apples lost, but what if a smaller apple lost a bigger percentage due to the fat that its surface area is bigger in relation to its mass? Guess I need to weigh EVERY SINGLE of my apples (and bananas, and potatoes, and carrots, and...) while they're fresh and mark them with their weight. AND THEN I REMEMBER THAT CALORIE COUNTS ARE NOT EVEN ACCURATE AND I GET SOOOOOOOO ANXIOUS. For example, 100g of banana are supposed to be 90 calories, but what if my bananas are slightly riper than the average banana and contain more sugar and less starch? Or what if my apples are exceptionally watery, so they have less calories than the standard apple? AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT COMPANIES BEING ALLOWED TO BE INACCURATE ABOUT THEIR CALORIES BY 20 FUCKING PERCENT SO MY FROZEN "500 KCAL" MEAL MIGHT AS WELL BE 400 OR 600 AND I WILL NEVER KNOW

I will never know exactly how much I burn, either. How do you cope with this shit? Like 50% of my ED revolves around obsession with numbers and control. Just rounding up/overestimating doesn't work for me because it's not about staying under my goals, it's about knowing THE. EXACT. NUMBER. This sucks so much. My mental health has improved a lot over the last few weeks, but I feel like my calorie obsession will never change and I currently have a minor nervous breakdown over fucking falafel

TL;DR: Halp nothing will ever be accurate and everthing about calorie obsession sucks and I'll never be content, how 2 cope?

[Rant/Rave] Things that have triggered me in the last 48 hours
Created: Thu May 24 07:02:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lsgil/things_that_have_triggered_me_in_the_last_48_hours/
- I volunteer every Wednesday and usually there are just two girls there who are heavier than me. It’s a sick ego boost, I know. But yesterday!! There was a new girl who almost 99% certainly had an ED. She had the gaunt, all I’ve had today is half a carrot stick and the aroma of coffee look about her. She was so fucking thin and tall. She’s not even my ideal body shape and i still wanted to die lol

-because of said girl, I went running afterwards and couldn’t finish. There’s this girl who is somehow always there whenever I workout and was just blasting away on the elliptical next to me. Like I’m panting like a dying pig and she’s just working away in cute workout clothes and a high pony. I’ve never wanted someone to fall off their machine more than I wanted her to

-one of my coworkers is a tiny Asian woman who is MAYBE 110 pounds. Every day we meet in the lunch room and talk about my food (aka the one meal I ever bring because it’s safe). Our boss came in and started talking about his own diet and commented that my coworker doesn’t need to diet because she’s rail thin and then!!! Just!!! Looked!!! At!!! Me!!! Like “but you do, you fat roly poly” i wanted to throw out my entire lunch, but because I am a fat roly poly, i ate it.

Feel free to add your own day to day triggers/ stories skinny girls on ellipticals WHO DONT EVEN PAUSE FOR WATER AHHHHHH

I want to eat breakfast
Created: Thu May 24 06:49:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lsdni/i_want_to_eat_breakfast/
But it turns out I have no idea how to make literally anything other than cold cereal, if that counts as making food.

I'm never going to make it on my own because I'm too scared of food to learn how to cook. I'm *actually* useless, like, wow.

[Intro] I finally weigh under 190lbs
Created: Thu May 24 06:27:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ls8rq/i_finally_weigh_under_190lbs/
I’m not sure if I put the correct flair, but I guess this would be my introduction since I’ve mostly been a lurker. I made a new account just to post in here because my SO knows my main account; he’s the one who got me into using Reddit.

90% of my life, I was always average weight-wise. I was probably much thinner as a child, who knows. Family always commented on my “baby fat”, etc. I’m Asian, and looks are heavily judged in my culture.

I’ve had EDNOS for almost a decade.

But over the past couple years, I’d been on antidepressants that made me gain somewhere from 50-60 pounds. Putting me at my heaviest, 210. It put my BMI at severely obese because I’m around 5’2”. I stopped taking my meds. Don’t worry, I’m okay. Haven’t really had any major depressive periods since I stopped. Just nausea from no longer being on meds, but I use it as an excuse to not eat. People have never questioned it.

But I’ve lost some weight the last couple of months. And I’m finally under 190 again. I honestly thought it would never happen. My friends think I’m eating healthy and being more active. But I’ve actually been purging, fasting, and restricting every chance I get.

Sometimes I enjoy food. Sometimes it’s out of necessity to appease loved ones who know and to make them think I’m okay, so they don’t suspect anything.

I just want to be back at my old weight. I’ve kept my shorts and pants from back then. I gave everything else away. I was around a size 6-8. I could fit in a small, curves and all. I want to fit in my bikini from when I was at my smallest, my bra size was 36C.

I also wanted to say that if anyone ever wants to talk, I’m here.

At what BMI did your hip bones become apparent?
Created: Thu May 24 06:24:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ls80l/at_what_bmi_did_your_hip_bones_become_apparent/

[Rant/Rave] Fuck Recovery
Created: Thu May 24 06:14:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ls5ra/fuck_recovery/
So after a particularly bad weekend last week, my initial plan was to fast for 7 days to give myself a break from even having to deal with food. I got a couple days in, and after a few comments from friends who realized I was not eating, I realized how messed up what I was doing/thinking really was. I decided to try to “recover” and eat like a normal person.

I lasted two days.

I don’t think you can really call that recovering, but in those two days I gained like three pounds.

So, I’m back to fasting today.

I hate this.

[Sticky] Weekly Emotional Support May 24, 2018
Created: Thu May 24 06:11:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ls510/weekly_emotional_support_may_24_2018/
We're almost all dealing with quite stressful things outside of our eating disorders. Whether it be complicated relationships, friends, university, work or other mental illnesses like depression, anxiety or OCD, we all seem to be having a rougher time emotionally and mentally than the general population.

Use this thread to post about your problems or ask for advice concerning things other than EDs/ED behaviors.

**As always, follow the sub rules when reading or posting.**


Weekly emotional well-being and support threads are posted every Thursday.

Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 24, 2018
Created: Thu May 24 06:10:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ls4ro/daily_food_diary_may_24_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 24, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

my co-workers keep commenting on my lunches and I'm so close to screaming
Created: Thu May 24 06:02:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ls35q/my_coworkers_keep_commenting_on_my_lunches_and_im/
I'm in the grip of another bad bout of ED\-shizz. I haven't restricted like this in over 8 years, but I'm working my way through it.

I work in quite a cosy department. We all get on, which I love, but they always talk about my food as a conversation piece and I'm trying not to be so triggered by it without having a meltdown and giving them my life story, which no one wants to hear.

The thing that drives me mad is I don't eat weird meals. They're small, but they're varied and normally traditional dishes, but they always ask ME, no one else, what I'm eating and I don't get why? It's always a comment like "Ooh, so what do we have today?" and look in my direction like I'm being naughty or something? Or a joke about my food that isn't funny, like deliberatly mispronouncing the name of a curry.

This is rude, right? Even if I didn't have an ED? What I eat just isn't interesting at all. I had a small cinnamon caramel wafer for a snack between meetings and one of them was like "They look nice, but they're like a 1000 calories". I'm not a purger, but really??? WHY SAY THIS? What was I supposed to feel from this comment? \(Also, it was 75 calories, because I only trust food in wrappers with the calories stated and never eat homemade snacks unless I make them, lol\).

What makes it even worse is I sit opposite a total fad dieter. He made a big joke out of me eating leftover chow mein noodles and not giving a fuck about my diet \(I had a tiny snack lunchbox of them\), but this is the same person who openly admits to loving eating, then failed to do a Clean9 package on day 3. His dietery habits are hardly great, so why comment on other people's?

Sorry for the rant, but I feel better posting here, than holding it in and crying in the toilet.

Has Anyone Done a Beer/Wine Mono?
Created: Thu May 24 05:51:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ls0ti/has_anyone_done_a_beerwine_mono/
So this is kind of a joke post though it relates very much to what my ED has morphed into the past few years.

Has anyone done a beer/wine mono?
I believe I have and lemme tell you what a wild ride it is. Need to purge but can’t for some reason? Enough alcohol and you’re praying porcelain god all night? Out of laxatives but you’ve got a weak stomach? A six pack or two will loosen those bowels right up for ya. Kitchen full of food but you’re trying to restrict? Knock back a few bottles of wine, black out, and wake up to something burning in the oven-- but you passed out before getting to eat it. Have to attend a social gathering such as a family function or a friend’s party? Down enough wine coolers and you might get so belligerent no one will ever invite you back. The pressure to be social will all be but a distant memory.

Remember the calories in alcohol don’t count because counting is impossible when you’re shit-faced.

DAE do daily negative affirmations?
Created: Thu May 24 05:44:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lrz9p/dae_do_daily_negative_affirmations/
I make sure to tell each part of my body on a consistent basis what an ugly, misshapen, piece of shit they are and how I hate them. I hurl insults at myself until I cry. Then, there’s always a part of my brain that goes “well that’s not true” or “it’s not that ugly” or wants to defend myself, and I make sure to shut that out quickly so that I can just feel berated and rejected by myself.

Lately my boobs have been getting the brunt of it (they’re fucked up looking). Does anyone else do anything similar to this or am I completely psycho lol

I'm climbing Mt. Everest
Created: Thu May 24 04:44:56 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lrnu3/im_climbing_mt_everest/
Ok no. But I googled if you weigh less at different altitudes. It said gravity at the top of Mt. Everest is only 99.72% that of sea level. Soo, I could burn all my carbs hiking it, barf from exhaustion, lose a limb or two to frost bite, and then take off .28% off my weight at the top! Nice!

Also, hi guys. I've posted only a few times on my main, but I come here daily. I opened this new account so I wouldn't feel so paranoid and actually start replying to topics.

[Rant/Rave] Just not going to buy groceries anymore
Created: Thu May 24 04:05:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lrgv6/just_not_going_to_buy_groceries_anymore/
It's a waste of my time. Can't eat if I don't have anything to eat. I'll save money, I'll save calories and time. I just can't take this anymore and this is really the only valid option I see right now. I can't control enough so I just won't buy groceries. I'll slowly use up the few things I have left and then that's it. I have only some rice left and like some carrots so. It won't be long. Sorry for the rant i'm just in a bad place rn.

I cannot eat
Created: Thu May 24 03:46:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lrdut/i_cannot_eat/
I just can't. I don't know why. I don't want to lose weight. I just can't stand food. Any type. I've been to the doctor and they don't know why

Bronkaid - dud batch?
Created: Thu May 24 02:26:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lr1vg/bronkaid_dud_batch/
I haven’t taken Bronkaid in over half a year, maybe longer, and I just ordered a new batch this week. I took one yesterday afternoon and felt nothing, took one an hour ago (the next morning), and nothing again. What do you think’s going on? Is there such a thing as a bad batch? I got it from the same supplier as I used to, and took it on an empty stomach which always worked in the past. :/

[Discussion] DAE feel guilty when they're forced to eat
Created: Thu May 24 02:09:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqzg5/dae_feel_guilty_when_theyre_forced_to_eat/
Lost 57lbs (26kg)in 5 months just by restricting. Want to lose about 33 more lbs (15kg). Currently at 154lbs/69.4kg, 5'7/171cm.

I've been dating this guy who while is the sweetest guy in the world, he's been adamant on me eating all 3 meals. I try to restrict as much as I can and don't want to disappoint him so i try to eat something small. Today he got angry when i only ate 2 cookies (100 cals) for breakfast and lunch and made me eat a normal meal.

I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself now. I'm a disgusting pig.

Recovery is hard :(
Created: Thu May 24 02:08:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqz9x/recovery_is_hard/
I'm getting fat as fuck again. I'm eating a lot and I'm still super hungry. Like i just ate but have this mental image of me baking eggs. Pants are getting tighter and all the fat is being stored in my abdomen :(

[Rant/Rave] I just wanna say how grateful I am for my friends
Created: Thu May 24 01:40:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqv4p/i_just_wanna_say_how_grateful_i_am_for_my_friends/
I've told a few friends of mine about my ED and they're all really 'supportive' (I lack a better word I'm sorry) Not in any way that they support me eating as less as possible and losing weight this way, but supportive in a really nice and sweet way. They always try to make sure that I eat a tiny breakfast and a bit of dinner, so I'll have enough energy to get through my day. They never offer me snacks (unless I ask for it) because they know that can cause a total breakdown for me. They give me their lunch when I need food to not pass out and I haven't brought any. They never push when I decline food even though I just told them I'm hungry and they offered me their food. They take me out to eat something and don't judge me at all when I pick the tiniest thing with the least calories possible.

I'm really grateful for them, because they don't push me to recover, but they do try to help me maintain my current situation and do my things as healthy as possible.

cold room=burn calories?
Created: Thu May 24 01:27:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqt2q/cold_roomburn_calories/
Has anyone ever intentionally made themselves cold to try to burn more calories? I've recently gone out without jackets and I sit in the library next to the window to get closer to the cold air. Thoughts on this?

Not gonna weigh myself anymore
Created: Thu May 24 00:53:09 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqn3t/not_gonna_weigh_myself_anymore/
so i moved houses for a while and only brought the bare necessities, i had two bags with me and it felt great. i love minimalism. that’s kind of my schtick with food, too - minimalistic meals, very few ingredients, etc

sooo. i might be moving again soon and i thought of getting a scale because i feel naked (???) without it but like. it’s so big and bulky and i hate feeling like i need it.

when i lose weight i love feeling like i don’t need much - don’t need much food, like i’m more self sustainable. and the scale is so counter intuitive to that.

all i need for wls is to have my head on my shoulders lmao!!! it’s a super freeing feeling

and also truly different people look differently at the same weight (even if they have the same height) so what’s the point of knowing the exact numbers

you know??!

As someone whose seen all ED shows, this one was the most realistic
Created: Thu May 24 00:42:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqlh8/as_someone_whose_seen_all_ed_shows_this_one_was/

i binge bc i hate myself and after i binge i hate myself even more
Created: Thu May 24 00:32:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqjri/i_binge_bc_i_hate_myself_and_after_i_binge_i_hate/
just ate 1200 calories in one sitting, which is literally double my daily calorie goal because i felt fat and wanted to feel better!!!

and guess what!!! now i’m bloated, sick, full of cheese, and i hate myself even more

binging is the cruelest of mistresses

[Other] DAE feel sick or bloated when they eat at their TDEE?
Created: Thu May 24 00:04:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqf6s/dae_feel_sick_or_bloated_when_they_eat_at_their/
Today was a rough day. I've been up since 4am with two small naps and I'm exhausted.

I had two tall cups of coffee this morning with heavy whipping cream to try to keep me full before a doctor appointment it took 7 hours to get to and get home from. Then when I got home, I had tea with sweet n low in it.

For dinner, I had 10oz of pork chop, and 4 eggs. All in all, about 1000 calories today. I feel fat, I feel nauseous, I'm tempted to go eject it. I dropped 11lbs in 2 weeks, I don't want my progress to go backwards.


**I AM A COW**

[Rant/Rave] Best friend apparently has ED
Created: Wed May 23 23:48:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lqc9q/best_friend_apparently_has_ed/
so my best friend (who knows everything abt my ED) just told me that she has an ED. am i crazy in thinking that she doesn’t....? she went on adderal like 3 months ago and lost 20 pounds at one point. so she’s 113 now and was 125 and 5”6.5. she got down to 103 tho and switched medication. this girl doesn’t give two shits about food. when she went on adderal she just stopped eating bc her appetite was gone and so obviously her fat was burned, but now that she switched medications and gained a little (she’s still really skinny like i think she should gain like 5 pounds) ,she eats she just forgets to sometimes, doesn’t know what a calorie is, nothing red flaggy.

am i just jealous that she lost weight... IDK i feel like the worst friend ever bc i’m like 115 pounds and same height and SUPER athletic and kinda boney but i don’t wanna compete w her

[Discussion] Anyone else living with an ED and hypoglycemia/other condition?
Created: Wed May 23 23:00:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lq3gv/anyone_else_living_with_an_ed_and/
Hi y'all, I'm a long time lurker but first time poster. I wanted to ask if anyone else on here has hypoglycemia, chronic fatigue, or any other conditions that exacerbate their ED because I have crazy blood sugar and, oh boy, is it ever a wild ride.

I want to eat less. I want to eat as little as possible. But not eating is a rigged game I play against my body—I get tired, I get nauseous, I get brain fog, faint, physically weak, shaky. Some days I tough it out as long as I can, and nearly make it the whole day on coffee and milk. It almost inevitably ends with a binge, though, or at least what "feels like" a binge to me. And the kicker is that my body feels better after, but I feel self-hating, weak-willed. It's messed up, but I'm jealous of people who can go so long not eating without feeling completely dysfunctional. (Even though I know that's actually really rare.) I've also been having fatigue issues, but my blood tests have returned normal, meaning I either have some other latent health problem or my ED is really starting to wreak havoc on my body now that I'm in college full-time again.

If anyone else has this kind of issue, I would so love to hear anything at all about your experience. It's been rough lately.

Created: Wed May 23 22:52:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lq22u/fasting/
DAE not get results when doing a water fast?

[Rant/rave] Binged when I was supposed to be fasting :( it started so innocently...
Created: Wed May 23 22:46:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lq0tl/rantrave_binged_when_i_was_supposed_to_be_fasting/
On mobile, can't flair.

So I was aiming for a 94 hour fast that I have been successful at many times now and today I was at hour 23 and going to take my usual vitamins and supplements except I got some new vitamins and this one has 100% daily iron in it. My old multivitamin just had 50% iron and never bothered me on an empty stomach so I didn't think this new one would. Big huge mistake.

An hour later in the shower I start feeling so nauseous and weak it's all I can do to get out and just lie down soaking wet and naked on my bed for 15 minutes trying to recover with the a/c on full blast. Thinking maybe it was the hot shower (and probably was to an extent) making me feel so bad I gather enough strength to get ready for work but every time I stand to do anything I go back to wanting to throw up and feeling so weak. I am getting ready for work at a hospital on night shift that is 12 hours of moving and being on my feet. I have never felt this bad. After an hour of not feeling any better I realize it must be the iron that is making me feel so awful. I have no choice but to break my fast and eat. 😣

I am running late to leave for work at this point and have fasted 25.5 hours and just to grab something quick I get a low calorie chocolate bar and shove it in my mouth. The binge monster has come out! Eating that much chocolate so fast just turns on a switch and I grab my other two bars and shovel them in my mouth no longer giving a damn and just taking in the binge feeling at the moment. 1020 calories right there. I didn't feel sick anymore but having to go to work and still wanting to binge I grab half a bag of pork rinds (seriously wtf...of all things) and shovel those in my mouth. 280 more calories. Up to 1300 now! I was NOT anticipating this 3 hours ago and in fact was ecstatic reaching my new LW feeling more motivated than EVER on my fast.

So I get to work still with my mind in binge mode and see the pregnant lady left out some Olive Garden breadsticks. I steal one. 300 cal? Nothing else left laying around but some shitty nutrigrain bars. Seriously this binge is *lame as fuck* but it's all there is. I eat SIX. 420 more calories. We're up to ~2000-2100 calories and it's only been 90 minutes. Well I gotta stop and get back to work now. Getting bloated and I am in physical pain!

Except can't stop the monster. I fucking order Mexican food from Uber Eats to be delivered. This is SO embarrassing but I can't stop. Three fish tacos (really?) and some cheese nacho beef stuff. The food was greasy and soggy...had NO flavor. Tasted like ass. 😡 I don't know how many calories total. I will ballpark and say 5000.

I decided to end this binge tonight at midnight now I am back to fasting and I don't know for how long. At least until Sunday I know that much.

It was such a great day until I fucked up taking iron. 🙁 crappiest binge food *ever*.

[Rant/Rave] This was a fucking fail of a day. I was unable to skip on dinner and it was pasta... I messed up. Fortunately I worked out but tomorrow is serious and hopefully eat less than 1000 and burn 500-700.
Created: Wed May 23 22:43:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lq0cw/this_was_a_fucking_fail_of_a_day_i_was_unable_to/

[Rant/Rave] Might sound weird but DAE not like to shower because you’re naked and hate your body?
Created: Wed May 23 22:38:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lpzcs/might_sound_weird_but_dae_not_like_to_shower/
I know it’s strange but I’m currently dreading my shower because I had a bad eating day and I hate seeing myself naked and feeling naked. I can’t even take the towel off without feeling self-conscious while being completely ALONE. I fear anyone seeing me nude including myself.

I know I’m crazy.

[Intro] I think I belong here
Created: Wed May 23 22:36:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lpyv7/i_think_i_belong_here/
I guess this is an intro? Not quite sure.

I’ve struggled with eating problems in the past, and never really classified them as anything because I was never underweight and I was never purging. I just thought it was something everyone dealt with. For the last few weeks, I’ve identified more and more with the things people post here. The feelings of inadequacy and the desire to start to disappear especially ring a few bells.

Last night, I finally taught myself how to purge. Healthy? No. Did I finally feel like I’m almost in control? Yes. Did it make me feel better about eating too much at dinner? Of course not, but I have a weird sort of pride.

Maybe this isn’t on topic, maybe this doesn’t belong here, but reading everything you all post makes me feel like I can talk about this and not be harshly judged. So thanks <3

hi do i have a problem
Created: Wed May 23 22:11:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lptxh/hi_do_i_have_a_problem/
hi there so i've been lurking for a while. i've always struggled in my relationship with food. i always felt bigger than my friends, possibly due to maturing much earlier than most of them. three years ago I wanted to drop some weight and went from 112 lbs \(my HW at the time\) to 98.8 lbs in one and a half months. i remember wanting to lose more because i had stubborn thigh fat and still couldn't get a thigh gap but i actually had collarbones and hipbones and a nice jawline. but during the school year, i didn't get as much exercise and kept eating so much whenever i would get home. i gained it all back within the first 3 months and maintained at 115 until the next summer. i've been going through this cycle where i keep losing and then gaining it back really quickly. i didn't know that eating until you puke and then going for a month on some grapes and a chocolate milk per day was disordered until i came across this subreddit. and finally i was able to put a name to my eating habits. i've been trying to lose before summer comes this time so that i can finally get back down to under 100lbs this time but i keep binging and ruining everything at the end of the day. i feel really fat and everyone i know is tiny... ugh i just want to be able to see my hipbones as well as i can when i lie on my back

[Discussion] What are some of the food/shopping rules you set for yourself?
Created: Wed May 23 22:10:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lpttz/what_are_some_of_the_foodshopping_rules_you_set/

[Discussion] Sweet taste in mouth while fasting?
Created: Wed May 23 21:15:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lpi71/sweet_taste_in_mouth_while_fasting/
On mobile. This is more of a discussion I guess.

So I’m only like 21 hours into a fast right now and this doesn’t normally happen to me, but I have this weird sweet taste in my mouth. Faintly reminiscent of light, sweet wine.

I googled it and apparently it means your body is entering ketosis, but again, I’ve only been fasting for 21 hours so far and the last food I ate was super carby. I feel like I can’t be in ketosis this soon.

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how long it lasts and just your thoughts on it in general. It almost feels like an accomplishment to me (if the whole entering keto thing is true- I’m always wary of broscience surrounding keto)

DAE love stupid diets?
Created: Wed May 23 21:04:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lpfk9/dae_love_stupid_diets/
I’m on mobile so I can’t flair sorry!

Diets like the ABC diet, chocolate mono diet, baby food diet, boot camp diet, etc. I love them all!! I know it’s still cico but it’s so much fun to me to plan them out days/weeks in advance. Probably because there’s no doubt about what I’ll be eating, but I’ll spend hours planning a day for next week and researching the calories and where to get it and everything. It’s become my favourite hobby. Anyone else?

And if you have any more diets please leave them!! Thanks 🙏

Is it bad to take advantage of family who want to buy food during recovery?
Created: Wed May 23 20:56:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lpdkd/is_it_bad_to_take_advantage_of_family_who_want_to/
Example: Ever since my mom noticed I'm eating more, she goes out of her way to buy me food whenever I ask and I'm sort of taking advantage of it... Is that bad? I just want free food.

What’s one good thing that happened to you this week?
Created: Wed May 23 20:39:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lp9ef/whats_one_good_thing_that_happened_to_you_this/
This is off topic sorry

Life can really suck. Having an ED fucking sucks.
But it’s not all shitty

One good thing that happened to you this week?

Like even if it’s not a big deal, like anything a nice shower or a good cup of coffee, seeing a bird

For me it’s that there was a gopher in my backyard & he ate some grass, it was cute af

[Discussion] What’s the deal with r/anorexia?
Created: Wed May 23 19:59:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8loz95/whats_the_deal_with_ranorexia/
Anyone know anything about r/anorexia? It says it’s a private community.

Anyone a part of it?

So I was watching the EDC livestream and...
Created: Wed May 23 19:06:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lomit/so_i_was_watching_the_edc_livestream_and/
Okay which one of y’all had the totem saying: “is molly a carb?” LOL

[Rant/Rave] Groceries rant
Created: Wed May 23 18:58:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lokmn/groceries_rant/
Just got back from buying safe foods from ALDI, i can tell everyone in the house is judging my choices, they kept asking why i didn't just buy real foods instead of un perishable snacks and saying i buy barbie food, because it's all in small serving size packages. Fuck you guys!! Mind your own damn business!!!! I wish my husbands fam would go back home already, these are the longest 2 months of my life

[Rant/Rave] I'm so done
Created: Wed May 23 18:43:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8loh1a/im_so_done/
I feel like I've been eating like a pig lately and it's putting a strain on my head. Makes me wanna restrict even harder. I don't feel normal anymore, I don't even think my body does either. I'm so done with this shit. I can't even tell my friends or family cause they wouldn't understand or they'd tell me to eat some more. I feel like a fat clown.

[Help] Does anyone have an idea of what this instagrams stars’ weight is?
Created: Wed May 23 18:33:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8loekn/does_anyone_have_an_idea_of_what_this_instagrams/
Please delete if not allowed!

My current goal is to find body goals that are something I genuinely feel is beautiful without being a weight/body type that would be impossible to replicate with my shape.

I follow this Instagram star that I think is absolute GOALS. She is healthy/fit looking and I think I should be focusing on achieving a look like that (because it is more like my body type) rather than some of the other beautiful looks I’ve been chasing that I have never been able to obtain and only make me feel hopeless and like a failure.

She’s 5’9 according to some websites which is only an inch taller than me. I was wondering if anyone had any idea of what she might weigh? I’m terrible at guessing weights but if someone has a good eye for that I would love to know what they thought!

Her Instagram account is called ‘daddyissues_’ (her name is in the bio of that page) but it’s her personal Instagram page that has all the pics of her (pink hair, stylish, basically all pics of her). I don’t know if I’m allowed to post her name so I’m not going to just in case, but you can find her personal insta by going through her meme page.

P.S if you want to laugh your ass off check out her meme page (daddyissues_) it is hilarious and self-loathing and everything I need in life!

[Discussion] DAE find it a bit hard to *not* tell people about your ED?
Created: Wed May 23 18:19:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lobah/dae_find_it_a_bit_hard_to_not_tell_people_about/
I feel like I'm constantly having to toe the line and keep my mouth shut about my messed up eating habits. Like, it feels like "I have an eating disorder" is always on the tip of my tongue. I don't want to talk about it with pretty much anyone, but it always seems like the conversation turns in that direction or something, and it's like, I have to be really careful about my word choice for fear that someone might find out.

And the shittiest thing is that I think a part of me *wants* people to know. I *want* people to find out, because then maybe someone will give a damn about me. But at the same time, I don't want ANYONE to know, because being open about it makes it feel less real. Like, if I talk about it then I'm just making it up for attention. I'm constantly afraid that if I talk about it it'll be invalidated because I don't fit the stereotypical Ana image; that nobody will believe me because I'm still fat, even though I'm only eating 500-600 cal a day.

Sorry about the long rant, but I feel like this community is the only place I can speak freely about it. Am I alone on this?

Even When My Whole World Isn't Revolving Around Food, It's Revolving Around Food
Created: Wed May 23 18:19:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lob2o/even_when_my_whole_world_isnt_revolving_around/
I can't just relax. I started a binge but I have stopped myself from eating everything in sight and I'm just relaxing with a coke zero and a cigarette when my mother-in-law calls me to thaw some chicken and make chicken fajitas for dinner. This wouldn't upset me but it's literally all I do. I come home from work, clean up a bit, then I have to make dinner for the whole family and I'm normally the one trying to figure out what to make for dinner. It just drives me nuts because even in a moment of just complete solitude where I stopped a binge from getting bad and I was finally thinking about other things besides food and then BAM! She has to pull me right back in. I'm so tired of this.

Why did I do this
Created: Wed May 23 17:32:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lo06y/why_did_i_do_this/
I scheduled a 3d body scan at my gym. I dont know why I thought this was a good idea. Ive been trying to eat healthier and just work out a ton as a means of distracting myself from binge eating and whatnot. Alas, the lure of this ultimate body check was too strong.

But, guys. I have the weirdest friggin body type. Its all legs.

This is the result, for whoever is curious:


22% body fat, and a 20.9 BMI

Im not kidding when I tell people that its hard to find jeans that fit. Im really trying to delude myself into not feeling bad right now. Ill just wear long skirts that hide my legs forever (just kidding, Im now committed to losing another 10 lbs of body fat because thats what the fitness trainer recommended...)

Don't know where to post, thank you guys
Created: Wed May 23 17:28:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lnz7h/dont_know_where_to_post_thank_you_guys/
Was expecting something to come in to get me ahead for the next few months at least, now it's probably going to the one person who doesn't need it and has been blowing money like it's nothing (no job, free place to live). Without transportation. Seeing my dad sick on and off constantly. Seeing my mom do this to herself. Ruining my relationships with my ED. Too sensitive. I am nothing but a problem. The ones I love are either destroying themselves or being taken down by my issues. Don't know anymore. Love you guys.

Weight loss app recommendations?
Created: Wed May 23 17:06:36 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lntuk/weight_loss_app_recommendations/
Hey does anyone know of a weight loss app that lets you put in your weight multiple times a day? What is everyone using? I just downloaded MyFitnessPal, and HappyScale. But I want to keep track of my fasts too.

[Discussion] dae get upset when their food isn’t just as they wanted it to be?
Created: Wed May 23 16:50:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lnpnx/dae_get_upset_when_their_food_isnt_just_as_they/
my mom got me a blizzard from dairy queen today and instead of my usual mini cookie dough she got me this huge berry and cheesecake concoction, and i’m actually sobbing about it right now. i broke my 26 hour fast for this stupid blizzard and it’s not even the one i wanted. i was looking forward to it for HOURS and it’s not right.

i’ve cried so much today (because of a math teacher who hates me, a b on one of my finals, and general life frustration) and this is making it so much worse. my mom thinks i don’t like her very much anymore, and honestly, this kind of thing is why. i sound so petty but i’m truly upset over it. (now i’m even more upset because i accidentally typed my math teacher’s name when i was writing that sentence. why am i like this.)

Created: Wed May 23 16:22:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lnisy/cant_stop_binging/
Uggghhh my SO got me a quarter pounder with cheese and I devoured it. And then I ate a whole bag of hot fries. And I'm just eating everything in sight. WHYYYY!!!???

[Rant/Rave] I accidentally drank regular soda.
Created: Wed May 23 16:13:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lngbz/i_accidentally_drank_regular_soda/
I am SO mad at myself. I buy ginger ale at Trader Joe’s and the diet and regular version cans look really similar. I wasn’t paying attention and drank TWO cans today before I realized it. That’s 320 calories. This was like.... a genuine fear of mine. FML.

DAE ever get this warning from MFP?
Created: Wed May 23 15:58:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lncdq/dae_ever_get_this_warning_from_mfp/

Created: Wed May 23 15:36:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ln6mk/pear_mono_review/
Hey everyone. So i did the pear mono for 3ish days.
First day was super hard. I didnt feel so good but i had 3 pears and 2L of water, also worked out.
Second day was okayish, but at night i started getting cravings. I had 2 pears and 2L of water. And then today was the absolute worse. I had 1 pear, and i started feeling horrible! My stomach was hurting so much, i was weak and felt like passing out. So i decided to make a healthy choice for a change and broke the mono with a soup.
All things considered, i lost 0.9kg, which is a lot considering i've been stuck at the same range of weight for over a month. So i'm happy with the results.

BDD but not the usual way. Tl;dr I'm literally a homunculus.
Created: Wed May 23 15:34:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ln66a/bdd_but_not_the_usual_way_tldr_im_literally_a/
So you guys ever have that feeling, for instance when you're laying in bed with your eyes closed trying to fall asleep and your body keeps changing size? Like one second my shoulders are huge and my torso is tiny, then the next second my knees are massive but my lower legs are practically nonexistent. At one point it felt like my hands were literally big enough to hold my head in my palm with the fingers touching. I even put my hand to my face to make sure (and ended up poking my self in the eye lol).

It's like my brain can't physically connect where my body is to the space it occupies. I'm pretty sure my brain thinks this is what I look like. https://imgur.com/a/vCjs5DG

BDD but not in the usual way? Literally feeling like a homunculus.
Created: Wed May 23 15:27:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ln4b7/bdd_but_not_in_the_usual_way_literally_feeling/

[Discussion] Would you rather
Created: Wed May 23 15:13:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ln05w/would_you_rather/
Would you rather miraculously wake up tomorrow with your ideal body but if you come withen 10 feet of a dog or cat it dies instantly.

Or you never gain or lose another pound your entire life no matter how much you eat. If you undereat you won't lose and if you spend the rest of your life binging you won't gain.

[Discussion] What do you guys wear in public when it's hot?
Created: Wed May 23 14:58:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lmw29/what_do_you_guys_wear_in_public_when_its_hot/
I know this is probably a dumb question, but I'm asking because I'm having some conflicting opinions on what to wear personally. A part of me wants to show off my weight loss, which I know is kinda messed up, and another part wants to cover it up to avoid attracting attention or worry. Plus my school is cold but it's hot outside. So I'm curious what you guys wear.

And the purging continues
Created: Wed May 23 14:46:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lmsc2/and_the_purging_continues/
I don't even binge. I mean, I do...just stupid small shit...I just ate 2 or 3 stalks of celery, a tsp of frozen cool whip, a carrot, 2 bites of mashed potatos and two 5 calorie crackers. Then I taste tested every spice we had in the spice cabinet that contained salt....and ate like 2 tablespoons or more of plain stevia to counteract my mouth being on fire from the spices.

Then I drank a glass of water. I felt so sick. SO I THREW IT ALL UP. Or most of it. My stomach doesnt hurt anymore - but I'm a little terrified by the fact that I keep purging such small binges...or any food really.

I calculated it all out and it was less than 200 cals...and I hadn't eaten anything else today....but I didn't like how my stomach felt.

I'm going to the doctor on friday. Probably gonna mention my ED. It's getting out of hand. I'm scaring myself, and its literally all I can think about.

[Help] Is sushi high calories?
Created: Wed May 23 14:32:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lmo8m/is_sushi_high_calories/
I got really hungry and decided that I was only going to eat sushi and no more. Does sushi have more than 1000 calories because that’s my limit. I had 3 hand rolls (one with salmon, snow crap and shrimp tempura).

[Help] Stomach gurgling?
Created: Wed May 23 14:26:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lmmry/stomach_gurgling/
So I fast throughout every day and generally eat a small meal with my girlfriend at dinner. Lately, that meal causes crazy stomach gurgling noises - loud and definitely noticeable.

I passed them off as possibly being a new intolerance to dairy, which was going to be an awesome excuse for me to avoid the added calories of dairy around her - but then my stomach started singing the song of its people with my dairy-free dinner last night.

It's got to be because of fasting for roughly 20 hours a day before eating. Has anyone else had this problem? How can I make that not happen?

Do you ever look back at what you used to look like and just 🙃
Created: Wed May 23 14:24:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lmly6/do_you_ever_look_back_at_what_you_used_to_look/
I want to die guys. I used to weight so little... i was so thin. I am watching videos and looking at pictures of me at my lowest weight and you can see my muscles and bones under my skin. It looked bad, but I crave that look again.

I still thought I had some to lose then but I would give anything to be there now. I was so proud of myself (even if I still hated how I looked)... now im 50 pounds up and want to die. It's going to take me so long to get back down to where I was and it won't even be as easy because now I have a boyfriend and some friends and for some god awful reason having a social life makes it almost impossible to eat exactly what you want because everyone constantly wants to eat out and make food and they don't even know how to properly count calories in recipies or measure anything.

I wish I was just one of the "naturally thin". I wish I could eat tiny portions and be satisfied and not want more. I wish I didn't crave horrible junk food. I wish I hated eating, but I dont. I eat and eat and eat and I love food. And food clearly loves me because it likes to stay with me on my arms and legs and stomach.

I feel so hopeless... I almost want to cut ties with everyone and transfer to a new college all over again... it's like I'm trapped in a fat suit and I just can't get out. I'm suffocating. And I know I'm doing it to myself but I can't stop.

[Rant/Rave] Spiralling further and further into ED
Created: Wed May 23 13:56:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lme7i/spiralling_further_and_further_into_ed/
My ED has pretty much always been restrictive, but with binge periods in between. (Like I did a post this week saying it was the first time I’ve been a week binge free! Still going strong woo) But I used to be able to have a day or two a week which I would “binge” which usually meant eating like a normal person would. Today was the first day of my period, and bc I have to take heavy painkillers I tend to allow myself to eat more on this time of the month and go easy on myself for a few days. But this disorder is sucking me deeper and deeper into its clutches and I’m growing to be afraid of eating. My mum did a grocery shop and bought lots of things I like (it was very kind of her!) most low cal like noodle soup, veggies. She bought me orange juice and it’s terrifying me. A box of juice shouldn’t be scary! Yet I’m sitting looking at it longingly, but knowing it’s fairly caloric means I can’t allow myself to have it. Rip. I wish I could be a normal person and not constantly focus on my body :( this is killing me

[Rant/Rave] GOD I’m so pissed (only sort of ed related)
Created: Wed May 23 13:50:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lmcc3/god_im_so_pissed_only_sort_of_ed_related/
what the fuck is wrong with people? Why do some people not understand that if I tell them not to touch me then they need to STOP

this boy has been harassing me all year after I rejected him and today on our way to French he was walking behind me and starts kicking the backs of my knees. I repeated “dude stop” or “don’t do that I don’t like that” like 5 times. He didn’t stop and I say “Jesus Christ stop fucking touching me what the fuck is your problem?!”

and what makes me the maddest is all the people around me were just like “oooooo” and “ chill out”. Why is it a problem with ME if somebody else won’t stop touching me and i lash out at them?!? why am I a crazy bitch for getting mad at somebody not respecting my personal space?

[Thinspo] Got called Thinspo
Created: Wed May 23 13:46:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lmbf5/got_called_thinspo/
There's a girl in my class I've been texting lately and she has disordered eating, and she said that I am her thinspo.

I've been riding that high since this morning ❤

Coffee is perfect!
Created: Wed May 23 13:40:21 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lm9mr/coffee_is_perfect/
Close to zero calories, makes me not want to eat, and it also is a "laxative" like drink. Man it's perfect!

[Rant/Rave] I just have no idea what I look like and I feel so fat and disgusting all the time
Created: Wed May 23 13:30:22 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lm6x8/i_just_have_no_idea_what_i_look_like_and_i_feel/
I've been eating an average of 1400 calories this past month, so I gained four lbs \(went from 128 to 134 and it was traumatising\), and I just feel so much fatter. But like I can see my collar bones, shoulder and back bones, my ribs, just that I also feel really fat. I'm just so sad and repulsed by the way I look... Worst thing is, I was so happy with myself even just 3 weeks ago. I was finally at my goal weight and looked exactly the way I wanted. But when I try talking about how unhappy I am with my body, it immediately gets shut down because my family and friends say I'm thin. I sometimes just feel like I don't know what I look like. I feel huge and disgusting, but I don't know if I really am; maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know... And when I weighed 58kg \(128lbs\), I felt perfect, but, you know, not thin. Just normal\-bodied, even a bit on the rounder, 'fuller' side, but happy with it. Sometimes I feel like a fraud; like I don't really have an eating disorder; that I'm just a normal chubby girl trying to arrive to a normal, healthy, lower weight. But it's far too hard and distressing to be normal, I think. I just wish I knew 'what' I was. Like if I'm really, truly fat. I hate not being able to trust my own senses.

[Rant/Rave] Been a few months
Created: Wed May 23 13:21:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lm4cm/been_a_few_months/
I just wanted to say I miss this sub - I’m in a bad place where either my body overrides my brain and I’m below the poverty line (which you think would be good for not eating but I’m watched like a hawk by my husband and we have to have the same dinner bc it’s cheaper to cook etc etc)

I just feel like, though I have anorexia, and my psychiatrist has told me, now I dont deserve to be here (which I KNOW is dumb) I feel embarrassed. And embarrassed for gainful 5lbs, afraid, all these dumb things.

Anyway! I miss you and your love and support that’s the main thing I wanted to say here haha. You’re all lovely and have and will be never anything but. 🖤🖤🖤

[Other] i feel like a stereotype today lol
Created: Wed May 23 13:12:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lm1xa/i_feel_like_a_stereotype_today_lol/
i've only had coffee and an apple today and it reminds me of one of those starter kit memes. haha ya know it's like "anorexic starter pack: eating fruit for a meal, iv'ing coffee into your veins, being light-headed/shaky, 'no i'm fine, i ate before i came!'" i don't know why i just thought that was funny

[Tip] I need this in my life. 🐷🐖🐷🐖
Created: Wed May 23 12:56:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8llx1b/i_need_this_in_my_life/

Escape doors from negative behavior
Created: Wed May 23 12:52:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8llw3v/escape_doors_from_negative_behavior/
I wanted to share something that’s been helping me stick to my goals. Most of us have emergency plans for all sorts of things: fires, work situations, family, health. I realized recently that I can also make little emergency plans for negative behavior I fall into.

I struggle a LOT with binge eating disorder, so here are some examples of my “emergencies”.

I slipped up for a second and now I’m in a drive thru waiting to order and I can’t leave. I would ordinarily give in and order whatever disgusting binge food I crave.
Emergency plan: order diet soda, black coffee, fruit.

I’m in a check out line at a store and I feel my self control waning as I look at the candy bars. I would ordinarily try to buy just one, which would then trigger a massive binge later.
Emergency plan: buy mints or gum.

I know it sounds really simple, but just thinking about and planning these “escape routes” makes it so much easier in those vulnerable moments. It’s that much easier when I get a second of lucidity to say, nope, I’m going to follow the plan I made and get myself out of this little situation.

I seriously don’t care if I “waste” money on diet soda I already have at home, because the alternative in these vulnerable situations is wasting money AND gaining calories.

[Discussion] did you guys see this and what do you think? terrifying ;o;
Created: Wed May 23 12:09:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lljko/did_you_guys_see_this_and_what_do_you_think/

[Discussion] Describe your perfect dream binge day!
Created: Wed May 23 11:39:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8llax9/describe_your_perfect_dream_binge_day/
Bringing this back because I can’t stop thinking about food but I’ve already taken off all my makeup to prevent myself from going to the shared kitchen (things I do for control *sigh* ).

Please fuel my food imagination!!

My mother took the shirataki noodles I had made for myself...then spit it out in the trash
Created: Wed May 23 11:26:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ll7bm/my_mother_took_the_shirataki_noodles_i_had_made/
I cooked myself 200gr of shirataki noodles today, well seasoned, with some cauliflower and mushrooms. A total of 145 kcl and it was supposed to be for my lunch and dinner.

I ate the lunch part and left the rest on the stove so it would wait untill my dinner. I told my mother maybe 4 or 5 times yesterday + today not to touch my food especially if I cook it for myself. I very often cook just for her (out of pleasure) and I'm ready to cook her all the savoury dishes she wants as long as she doesnt touch MY meals.

First thing she did when she got home ? Took ALL that was left in the pan, put it in her bowl, tried it then spit it all back in the bowl and threw it in the trash.
I'm so mad. I wanted to yell at her but she was already obviously upset at something different and I didnt want it to turn into a huge fight.

I'm so mad though. It was my first time trying shirataki noodles today (and it was a success! I loved them!), those calories were calculated and it's not like that stuff is cheap!

[Rant/Rave] DAE here have scoliosis?
Created: Wed May 23 11:21:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ll5o6/dae_here_have_scoliosis/
Mine isn’t severe but it’s enough that it’s rotated my chest. Its frustrating to see how lopsided my ribcage is when I’m laying on my back :(

[Rant/Rave] Anyone can have an ED
Created: Wed May 23 11:13:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ll39j/anyone_can_have_an_ed/
I’m black and I have BDD and probably an ED. At school I’d try to explain it to other black people and they wouldn’t accept or understand it. Rather they’d just think of it as trying to assimilate to some white standard and that I should just love myself. But for me and anyone else with an ED it so much more. It’s an obsession, it’s an unhealthy coping skill. Like personally I hate my body, I hate having a body and want one to be as minimal as possible. I’ve been told I was thin my whole life and have to up keep it. That’s why I’m like this and everyone’s reason is different. So like, I just felt the need to rant about this because it left me feeling ostracized and misunderstood and I don’t want other people to feel like that.

[Rant/Rave] Can't fast as planned today
Created: Wed May 23 10:43:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lkuda/cant_fast_as_planned_today/
Yesterday morning I ended a 35 hour fast. I restarted but then caved and ate again when I got home. I decided to just say screw it and restart my fast (idk why but I like to start at night, maybe it's leaving my room in the morning and already having +/-12 hours of progress). Now it's almost noon and I would be perfectly content shooting for my next goal of 50 hours but my sister is home today and she's making us lunch. I hate how such a normally thoughtful and enjoyable way to spend time with my sister is being ruined bc it's happening *now*. I could have eaten this meal yesterday and just had a maintenance day but I know that I'm weak and I'll justify eating later today so I'll wind up eating even more because of this...

[Research Study] What do you wish your therapists knew?
Created: Wed May 23 10:33:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lkrjt/research_study_what_do_you_wish_your_therapists/
Hey folks. I’m a therapist in training, and as part of my capstone I have to do a paper on a population that interests me. It is not an empirically funded research study in the traditional sense and will not be going through IRB; I simply need to interview some folks with eating disorders.

I - and many others - found issue with the research study that was published a few months ago, where a researcher picked out some comments from this sub (without letting people know which ones exactly she was going to use) and drew some... frustrating conclusions. One of the biggest gripes I heard and have seen in treatment is that therapists are not well equipped to treat individuals who don’t fit the “skinny WASP girl” stereotype. Ethnic minorities, the LGBTQIA+ population, individuals with trauma, etc. are all being underserved in the eating disorders treatment community.

I’d like to hear from some of you how your cultural background (and keep in mind this is inclusive of all types of culture - ethnic, gender identity, socioeconomic background, life circumstances) has influenced the development of your ED and what you wish treatment teams would understand. Maybe your family has always used food as a bandaid, and that has influenced your views towards nutrition. Maybe you grew up in poverty, and that has affected your hunger cues. Maybe you had significant trauma as a child that results in weight management NOT to look like a “cover model” but to feel control over your body. Whatever it is, I want to understand what your needs are.

No one will be identified by username, nor will this community be mentioned by name. I will not post your stats or anything sensitive. But if you are interested, I would love to take a few quotes to back up to claims I am making in my paper. You are welcome to comment directly below or PM me.

Thanks in advance <3

[Rant/Rave] the wacky existence of being anorexic with a sweet tooth
Created: Wed May 23 10:32:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lkrgc/the_wacky_existence_of_being_anorexic_with_a/

i asked my boyfriend if i could have candy for dinner tonight instead of food, he raised an eyebrow but said sure, if i could make him some quesadillas. he just thinks i really like candy, but in reality i’m getting more and more scared of full meals..
having a sweet tooth is the #1 way i conceal my eating disorder from people. i just skip eating breakfast and lunch, but bring some lollipops to eat when i’m hanging out with my friends, and BOOM, no suspicion!! a calorie is a calorie, and i’d rather have 500 cals of candy and an apple for the day, rather than a cooked meal. there’s a misconception that people with eating disorders are all scared of sweet foods and snacks. i’m scared of bananas and vegan yoghurt haha. it’s not logical, but eating disorders are such mindfucks. like do they know how much diet soda and halo top we can inhale? sometimes the misconceptions about eating disorders can work in our favor, and mask our behaviors.
now off to the kitchen to count and measure some skittles! life has taken a strange turn guys

[Help] Bod pod: I gained 10lbs of fat in 8 weeks
Created: Wed May 23 10:26:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lkpp2/bod_pod_i_gained_10lbs_of_fat_in_8_weeks/
Look and see what 8 weeks of tendonitis (so no HIIT), a trauma, and tons of chocolate can do to you. [I didn't think it was possible. ](https://imgur.com/a/eP6A6PN)

I need help. Not therapy help, but real help getting my body back under control. I've recently been a lot better about eating, but my weight keeps on climbing.

[Discussion] DAE fantasize about going to an all-inclusive resort for a holiday and just bingeing/purging non-stop for a week?
Created: Wed May 23 10:01:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lkiga/dae_fantasize_about_going_to_an_allinclusive/
If I had loads more money, and felt just a tiny bit more reckless, I could really see myself doing this

[Other] Low calorie, but dense / high volume foods? (other than vegetables lol)
Created: Wed May 23 09:49:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lkf1d/low_calorie_but_dense_high_volume_foods_other/
Sick of eating so many veggies, they're like water and they don't feel satisfying. I love rice and potatoes but so many calories!

[Rant/Rave] I feel horrible
Created: Wed May 23 09:42:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lkd54/i_feel_horrible/
Hi guys. Recently I applied to uni. The admissions process is really long - as of today, it’s been a month since I last went for the interview and I have so many people breathing down my neck. I have people insta dming me, pming me on twitter and sending me texts everyday. My cousin, who I trusted the most is the one person who is hellbent in knowing what the outcome is. Everytime I mention I’m stressed, he brings up uni and says, “so they haven’t got back to you huh?” I understand that he’s being concerned. But his words are laced with sympathy. He knows I hate that.

Anyway, that coupled with a few more other things really brought on a lot of stress. I have been struggling with my anxiety for awhile now. I don’t know when or how it came back, but I thought I had it under control. That was until yesterday. I had a panic attack. It was my worst episode in awhile.

Today my mum came home, and she spoke to me about uni again. I got slightly agitated and I told her that I am aware that I may not get in, and I have plans. She carried on telling me that I may still have a chance as the first window only closed today, and there’s still a second window. I broke, and I started crying and yelling and saying that I know, I just don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I told her I had a panic Attack yesterday and I felt like dying, and I even prayed to God that I could die but I survived. I even yelled and said, “everyone keeps asking me for my outcome, do you guys really care or are you just interested in my life?” The entire time I was saying stuff like that, I could clearly see her breaking as well and she was crying. She relented and told me that she’s my mum and I should be able to tell her everything.

I feel horrible because I NEVER act this way to my mum. Ever. Even during my national exams, I cried myself to sleep without ever breaking in front of her. It’s all so foreign. And I feel stupid bad because I know she’s aware of my ED too. I went to the kitchen and I saw two more bottles of Coke Zero. She never buys Coke Zero for me because 1) they’re too heavy to carry home 2) she doesn’t want to encourage my ED. Right now, she’s sleeping. And she’s asleep earlier than usual, because my stupid self made her so tired from crying. She usually listens to music before she sleeps. But she doesn’t now. I hate myself for doing this to her.

Tldr: got so stressed out, broke down in front of my mum and made her cry. Now I am feeling more useless than ever.

I don't think I'll ever love you the way you want me to
Created: Wed May 23 09:22:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lk7id/i_dont_think_ill_ever_love_you_the_way_you_want/
He says to me while looking at small Asian girls on Reddit. Just 10 minutes ago he was being all cuddly with me, kissing me, calling me beautiful and being intimate. I guess he lied and I'm stupid.

I guess I'm not good enough. I'm 109 pounds with a bmi of 18.9 and I'm still not good enough. Maybe if I was like those skinny Asian women he would love me.

Excuse me while I refuse to eat for the 3rd day in a row, I'd rather feel dizzy than sad. Maybe if I get skinny enough someone will give a fuck about me. I'm so ugly

[Other] When you order something online and you try it on thinking “wow this will look great when I’m 10 pounds lighter”...
Created: Wed May 23 09:16:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lk5s2/when_you_order_something_online_and_you_try_it_on/
...but who am I kidding I have been in a binge phase for the last 3 months now and the only thing I lost is my will to live.

Confused about my Apple Watch calorie count
Created: Wed May 23 09:13:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lk51s/confused_about_my_apple_watch_calorie_count/
This morning I've been really productive. Tonight I'm going to a concert with my friend and staying in a hotel, so I'm anticipating drinking a lot and probably eating some foods I typically wouldn't in order to appear "normal." So this morning I walked about 0.5 miles to a place in town for a 60 minute spin class, which was super intense and I was drenched in sweat. Then I walked 0.5 miles home. I checked my Apple Watch to see how many calories I burned during the class and it says 396 calories. For some reason I feel like that's low? The bike in the class said over 500, which is probably too high. My heart rate averaged about 150 during the class, where my resting is a cool 45 bpm. Wouldn't I burn more calories for working my heart triple its resting, or is that not how it works?

I know this isn't really important, I'm just trying to balance alcohol/food tonight so that I don't gain 20 pounds overnight and want to completely die tomorrow.

I’m not worth anything when I eat
Created: Wed May 23 09:11:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lk4ka/im_not_worth_anything_when_i_eat/
For the past few months or so (closer to four months), I have been struggling with what I have come to find out is BED—gluttony, essentially.

These have been the darkest times of my life, and it has taken me over almost. It has gotten to the point to where anytime that I eat, I almost literally eat anything and everything I can get my hands on.

The only time I am at peace is when I am fasting. If I am not fasting, I cannot function, in any area of my life. I can focus on work, studies, or just being a good human being in general.

For the past month or so, I have been stuck in a binge/fast cycle—to the point to where I binge nearly 5000 calories and fast for 3, 4, 5, 6 days...only to binge again. It is very difficult to get out of.

I have gained nearly 35ish pound in the past four months.

This is distracting me from my spiritual life, and every other aspect of my life as well. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to get out of this.

I’m 21 y/o male, btw.

Just looking for some guidance, I suppose

[Goal] 22 pounds away from GW! [please read]
Created: Wed May 23 08:47:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ljxs1/22_pounds_away_from_gw_please_read/
New to this sub, new to reddit. Need friends and not judgement, this seems like an amazing community!!!

In 2016, I lost 65 pounds and hit my UGW and [I looked like this. ](https://imgur.com/a/LXECPOT) 😍 I was soooo stoked about it. I had planned on losing more weight, but I was so proud I made it to my goal. Like genuinely so proud. Had moments where I didn’t even hate myself or my reflection (what even is that now lol).

Then I moved, got engaged, started the pill (eff you, birth control. Quit that crap in 3 months.) got married, and in that one-year period, binged the shit out of my life and gained *48 FUCKING POUNDS!!!!* The number on the scale didn’t even seem real. 168. Really?????

At the end of April 2018, decided to hell with this. I’m shrinking again. And I’m *staying* there. Everyone’s opinions in my life mean nothing if I’m disgusted in my body. I want to be intimate with my husband. I want to take my clothes off and shower. I want to pick an outfit and not hate myself in it. I just. don’t. want. to. cry. when. I. wake. up. every. damn. day.

I’ve lost 17 pounds so far in May, and I [look like this. ](https://imgur.com/a/UEg2VXv) I know. I know. 😭 But I’m so past the point of shame, I’m just going for it. I’m so grossed out by my body.

I’m curious to see how my body looks at my goal weight of 120 lbs again. I have a feeling that it won’t look like it did in the first link of pictures above. In that case, I might need to build more muscle and lose more fat when I get there. But I’M ON THE WAY!!!!

I need all the encouragement, guys. Sorry for the essay. But I’m going to be posting some before/during pictures as I shrink, and how I’m going about my weight loss. 💘

DAE feel like it's easier to just not eat than to moderate sometimes?
Created: Wed May 23 08:35:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ljuba/dae_feel_like_its_easier_to_just_not_eat_than_to/

[Rant/Rave] Frustrated
Created: Wed May 23 08:18:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ljpw1/frustrated/
Ok, I am going to psych/eating disorder specialist and I am nervous. Meal plans scare me since I have had the same eating habits all my life...i.e. picky, etc. My issue is I would overload calories during dinner which kept my weight up and have never really eaten more than 1 meal a day. I have never been able to... and I have never done snacks through the day. Body image issues and feeling fat since age 8. I can't deal when clothes are too tight or fitted now and my biggest issue is my 2 and a half year ago ride from hell trying to save my fiance. 144 days of total heartbreak..which resulted in PTSD. I just have never been comfortable with myself or any self worth. Just really angry

Recovering anorexic reveals how she saw her weight plummet to 75lbs
Created: Wed May 23 08:07:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ljmvq/recovering_anorexic_reveals_how_she_saw_her/

[Rant/Rave] My Coworkers Party Too Much
Created: Wed May 23 07:30:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ljd99/my_coworkers_party_too_much/
Every single week I feel like there’s another company event. Last week was a baby shower. In two weeks we’re having a potluck. After that there’s a happy hour. I just started last month so I want to participate but the idea of all this food!!! I’m also doing keto, so I can’t even take little portions because all the food is full of carbs!! I literally wish it was socially acceptable to not eat when everyone else is eating.

[Rant/Rave] I hate periods
Created: Wed May 23 06:26:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lixp3/i_hate_periods/
Woke up this morning to see the scale hit 110.5! I was so happy. Gw1 reached! Then my period decided to come early and im riddled with cramps and nausea. I have these heavy duty painkillers to take but I have to eat to take them and I’m so conflicted bc I really wanna stay at 110 :( I know if I eat something it’ll spiral into a full blown binge and I really don’t want that aaaaaaaaaa

The Taylor Swift situation makes me sad (and angry)
Created: Wed May 23 06:19:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8liwa0/the_taylor_swift_situation_makes_me_sad_and_angry/
Yesterday while commuting I picked up a newspaper and one main article in it was about Taylor Swift, her weight gain and the Internet's reaction to it.

I have to say, I don't really listen to her music, neither am I a fan of her (but I still kinda like and respect her, she's just not my style). Sometimes I like to dip into the mainstream music industry and just watch a few new music videos of current pop stars and see what they're up to. A few months ago I watched a new music video of Taylor and kinda thought to myself "Oh, she seems like she gained some weight but it looks great, it suits her". I especially noticed it because in the past, she was always known for being "too skinny". I think she looks good either way. She looks healthy as fuck to be honest.

But the article showed me how fucking cruel the Internet and certain people can be. She's a woman in her late twenties, not a cute teen pop star anymore and she's really not fat at all, she looks normal. I'd describe her body as "womanly". There is a twitter account dedicated to calling her fat, posting before and after pictures of her, retweeting nasty tweets. There's also a tweet that states: *"It still haunts me to my core that one girl in my group asked Taylor how she got so thick.. like I'm just so sick to my stomach about it cause the look on Taylor's face was so hurt and I've never seen her struggle for words ever anywhere like she did in this moment."* Even the fact that an European newspaper had an article about her weight gain just straight up baffles me.

Like... what the fuck? The same thing happened to Christina Aguilera and I think she handled it very well, her reaction was like a big "fuck you" to everyone criticizing her. But still... what the fuck. Why do people care so. fucking. much. if a famous person doesn't look like a straight up VS angel anymore? There's so much more to these people, their music, their performances and so on, but in the end they get reduced to their looks and weight. It's just sad.

I'd love to live in a world where the first thing people notice about you or judge you on isn't your appearance, but your achievements, your dreams, your character, your actions. Almost every day something happens that makes me sad that I can't separate my body from my mind when interacting with the outside world. The Taylor Swift situation was just a large scale example for the shitty situation we're all in.

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 23, 2018
Created: Wed May 23 06:12:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8liunm/daily_food_diary_may_23_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 23, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Sticky] Way To Go Wednesday May 23, 2018
Created: Wed May 23 06:11:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8liufm/way_to_go_wednesday_may_23_2018/
This is the weekly achievement thread for May 23, 2018.

This weekly thread is to spotlight those achievements you feel don't necessarily warrant their own post, but you'd like to celebrate all the same. This is not limited to specifically ED-related goals; share anything you are happy about having done or accomplished recently!


Achievement threads are posted every Wednesday.

Have any questions or concerns? Comment below, or [PM the mods.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED)

[Discussion] DAE feel like they can only stand eating “cute” Foods?
Created: Wed May 23 05:39:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8link4/dae_feel_like_they_can_only_stand_eating_cute/
I tried to do Keto and couldn’t figure out what was giving me so much anxiety. But cooking and meat and fat made me feel gross. I missed cute little ice cream bars or girly fruit bowls that I could instagram if I wanted to. Baking feels dainty and grilling does not. I mean I know it’s all part of my ED, but am I the only one who feels that way about food aesthetic?

[Other] The Best Solution That helped me with my dissorders and many other things too. a must try
Created: Wed May 23 05:26:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lil46/the_best_solution_that_helped_me_with_my/

My BMI is in the “obese” category and I have an ED
Created: Wed May 23 05:10:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lihvq/my_bmi_is_in_the_obese_category_and_i_have_an_ed/
I’ve been on both sides of the ED scales. I’m 5’4, My lowest weight was 98 lbs and as I recovered from Ana I just kept eating :p my highest weight was 240. I dropped to 220 but two months ago I got a free all you can eat sushi pass and am at 232. My sushi eating days are now over :(

I’m prediabetic so I tell myself it’s okay to go back to Ana since it’s in the name of health. But I always end up binging anyways.

Current goal is 2 pounds loss a week (healthy) at 1,200 calories a day. For a goal weight of 130 (I just want something lower than an “overweight” BMI that would still be “normal” given water weight fluctuations.)

If I’m good I’ll get there in a year. The thing is if I’m bad I can get there a lot sooner! And no one cares if you have Ana when you’re 232 pounds, their just happy you’re losing weight. I’m really just trying to get the right frame of mind during this journey so when I reach 130 I can stop there! Cause I remember being 98 pounds and I remember I still felt fat!

[Rant/Rave] Wellness test anxiety
Created: Wed May 23 04:47:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lidib/wellness_test_anxiety/
So my work has a health insurance that gives you "points" if you live a healthy lifestyle and one of the requirements of maintaining the insurance is having weight, waist circumference, blood pressure, cholesterol, fasting glucose, etc tested annually. I weigh 6 lbs more than the last time I did this and mine is today. Freaking me the hell out.Uggghhh.. I've lost 10 lbs in the last month but jfc how did I let myself get here.

Vomiting Bug all weekend, gained 5lbs??
Created: Wed May 23 04:44:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lid3g/vomiting_bug_all_weekend_gained_5lbs/
Not even been having to restrict as nothing has been staying down - just managed a little bit of fruit juice the last couple of days so I didn’t literally wither away. Yet this morning, on the scales, I’ve gained FIVE FUCKING POUNDS. Someone please explain how this is even possible before I go mad 😭😭

Cracking open a cold one with the bois... Please help me
Created: Wed May 23 04:24:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8li9pn/cracking_open_a_cold_one_with_the_bois_please/

[Rant/Rave] I had to binge
Created: Wed May 23 04:16:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8li8a5/i_had_to_binge/
So from like Friday to Monday I was averaging 400-600 calories a day with little protein. The problem is recently I’ve been diagnosed as anemic. So I wake up for PHP yesterday and can’t move. Im weak, dizzy, just walking i feel like im gonna faint and I eventually collapsed on a bed after getting laundry. I then crawled back under my sheets and missed PHP and slept till 12. That was slightly better I managed to drive myself to subway and get a 6 inch and a donut. I felt terrible but physically felt better. I then had a fruit cup and two hard boiled eggs, putting me at 1000 calories.
Now that I know good sleep helps I’m gonna cut back down and just sleep a bunch.

[Other] My asshole is exploding
Created: Wed May 23 03:13:33 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lhxw7/my_asshole_is_exploding/
Okay but who else gets fucking mad diarrhoea when they’re drunk.

I told my psychologist today of my fear of food and my purging habits. I'm freaking out
Created: Wed May 23 02:52:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lhujq/i_told_my_psychologist_today_of_my_fear_of_food/
She told me if the purging didn't stop by the end of June she'd have to tell my parents and siblings. I can't calm down. I am afraid to death of food, and whenever I eat it I just can't bear it, I either have to make myself throw up or put up with the feelings of disgust with myself \(which is way too hard at least for me\). It's so fucked up and I don't know if I'll be able to stop in such a tiny amount of time.

Is it possible to stop purging completely or almost completely within a month? I don't want to lie to my therapist but I'd rather do that than to have my little brothers \(ages 10 and 13, bear in mind\) and my parents know about this.

This is my fave subreddit, the only place where people understand me
Created: Wed May 23 02:50:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lhu66/this_is_my_fave_subreddit_the_only_place_where/
I feel like I could post anything that I am feeling, living or experiencing and someone else on here has the same thoughts, I can always find someone who relates. No matter how crazy what I am saying is. Things that irl people just don't understand. Love this subreddit honestly.

i will look so weird when im skinny...
Created: Wed May 23 02:31:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lhrfn/i_will_look_so_weird_when_im_skinny/
i am assuming i will have bones sticking out even staying in the healthy bmi range, which isnt much of an issue because tbh thats my aesthetic, it will just look really odd in combination with my arms.... because theyre huge. i have thick, muscular arms. i have two logs with fingers at the end on the sides of my torso. theyre not the defined, toned kind of muscular - theyre really just thick and get thicker when i flex. (i lift and carry heavy things around the house regularly, no conscious effort into building muscle or anything.)

i will look, essentially, like an underweight girl with hulk hogan arms.

Wtf halo top
Created: Wed May 23 01:59:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lhmmj/wtf_halo_top/
I guess you guys have already realised this, but being in Australia, everything happens a little bit later. Some of the flavours have been upped in calories!! Mint chip is like a full 80 calories more, I’m bloody devastated.

Also saw a new flavour (for me) that’s chocolate bar or something? But it’s A LOT of calories and I’m sad that it’s too much for me to have :( someone tell me it’s super shit and not worth the calories.

Guess I’m just happy I paid attention to the labels and didn’t just buy my ol’ faithfuls.

[Rant/Rave] Laxative Addiction
Created: Wed May 23 01:37:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lhj3y/laxative_addiction/
side note - totally got locked out of my other account i used on here (peanutbutteredbanana) ugh

anyway. i am so pissed at myself. every time i hop on the scale and my weights gone up, its like an instinct for me to immediately go and dig out the laxatives. it’s like a form of punishment, but it has positive effects. i know i really need to stop because this has been happening for months but I’m not sure how to :(

i use them at least once a week and it’s really stressing me out everytime i do. im scared my body is going to end up relying on these stupid pills.

yay for using my summer time to chug water and take laxatives at 2:30 am!

[Help] ECA stack makes me sick
Created: Wed May 23 01:36:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lhiz9/eca_stack_makes_me_sick/
Does anyone have this problem where the ECA stack makes their stomach hurt and/or have a bad headache. I also feel faint and slightly dizzy. I’m slowly getting used to it, but it makes me feel like I need to eat an energy bar. What do you suggest?

How to make it seem like I eat a lot without actually eating a lot?
Created: Wed May 23 01:04:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lhd4f/how_to_make_it_seem_like_i_eat_a_lot_without/
Hey guys! My mom gets really concerned if she doesn’t see me eating a lot, so I was wondering if anyone had any foods that are high in volume but low in calories?
Btw I get adequate amounts of calories with my normal meals (I try for somewhere around 1200), this is simply me trying to appease my mom, because she expects me to eat a lot more than is healthy for me (especially if I’m trying to lose weight).

[Help] fasting app suggestion?
Created: Wed May 23 00:41:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lh93j/fasting_app_suggestion/
does anyone know of a fasting tracking app that you can hit “start” when you start and stop when you eat?

Most of the time i’m not sure how long my fast is going to be, but I would like to keep track of them.


Greatest sub on reddit
Created: Wed May 23 00:31:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lh7ho/greatest_sub_on_reddit/
I just gotta say, I'm really proud and honored to be part of such an amazing community like this. I just re-entered the online ED community recently (was on LiveJournal many moons ago) and am so enamored of this sub and the people on it. No one is critical or pushing ED's, it's just a place where you can openly talk about your struggles. And I love posts where I see people talking about edging towards recovery and everyone is so supportive. Love all you guys ❤

Partner(s) appreciation post
Created: Wed May 23 00:10:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lh3yr/partners_appreciation_post/

I don't want to go to Japan.
Created: Tue May 22 23:53:48 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lh10o/i_dont_want_to_go_to_japan/
I don't know why I decided to go. My friends are shorter and smaller than me, I'm going to be the biggest person there. I actually do like Japan and would like to see it but at the time, I dont want to physically be there with my large body for all to see. I wish I didn't need to be accepted and validated the way I do, especially by men. I wish I could separate myself from other people until they have no affect on me at all. The last thing I need is to have random thin dudes stare at me in shock at how manly I look. It's weird for me to feel like this since I love travel but there's my depressing rant.

[Other] I need to stop drinking/please help me survive Memorial Day Weekend.
Created: Tue May 22 23:32:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lgx90/i_need_to_stop_drinkingplease_help_me_survive/
Some background: My fiancé and I had decided on Saturday we’d take a break from drinking. This was after I drank 75% of the whiskey we had, but I digress.

I’ll admit I don’t have the greatest relationship with alcohol. I love it, probably too much. Not to mention I come from a very long line of alcoholics so I guess it’s partly genetic.

But the calories are absolutely killing me. I can stop drinking for about two weeks until I’m ready to start again, but those two weeks sober are a huuuuuge struggle. I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m not drinking because I feel so bored!

With Memorial Day weekend coming up I’ve decided to fast until Friday evening (maybe Saturday evening depending on when we arrive to fiancé’s family cabin) except fiancé’s family always has plenty of food and wine to celebrate this weekend. Part of me wants to give in and just “treat myself” but a much larger part of me wants to stick to what I’ve been doing (aka one meal a day, basically.) how do I skip all of these family meals?

Most importantly though, fiancé’s family likes to drink. So how do I pass up the alcohol when I’m basically addicted? It’s easy to suggest “just having one glass” but 1) I love all alcohol and my judgement diminishes greatly after one drink and 2) my FMIL is the most stressful person to be around unless you’ve ingested a liter of vodka.

Does anyone have any suggestions??? I’m basically planning on claiming I’m not hungry for breakfast (since I don’t normally eat breakfast anyway), eating only fruits/veggies for lunch, and then eating a normal-ish dinner. I just don’t know how to get around the alcohol afterwards.

Is it stupid to ask if the fat is leaking out of my face? *No im not serious but kinda am lmao??*
Created: Tue May 22 23:23:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lgvm0/is_it_stupid_to_ask_if_the_fat_is_leaking_out_of/
So, I'm experiencing something weird... since I've reduced my intake of fatty foods and cut to one meal a day....my face seems to be considerably more oily and redder in appearance since I've started losing weight. (Down about 16/17 lbs)

Has anyone experienced this? Or am I just getting the acne I never had as a teenager? This is the worst my skin has been in my life and I don't know why.

[Help] i'm just being paranoid and dumb, right? rightttt!?
Created: Tue May 22 22:23:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lgk2y/im_just_being_paranoid_and_dumb_right_rightttt/
i gave my SO an oil massage using a ton of coconut oil and now i'm convinced its absorbed through my hands and im gonna gain lol. please call me dumb ease my worries.

Donated blood today; spur of the moment.
Created: Tue May 22 21:34:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lg9wv/donated_blood_today_spur_of_the_moment/
So I'm just so excited because of the extra calories burned (spread out over time), on top of my restriction this week. (I love using "IF & keto" as an excuse to restrict calories, hate that I must look so huge to my family to get away with it) & I even got my cardio in today. Going to feel like complete shit tomorrow. (Hiking plans) Thankful for my ADHD meds right now.

Besides the small mental breakdown I had eating "lunch/dinner"(bless MFP), I'm just proud I resisted the oreos. I know if I ate them I wouldn't be able to stop.

Also the lightheadness is kinda a perk tbh.

Ways You Reward Yourself For Milestones?
Created: Tue May 22 21:34:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lg9u8/ways_you_reward_yourself_for_milestones/
So the 10 year anniversary of my dad's passing is this year and I'm planning on getting a tattoo for that but I also plan on getting a different tattoo because I reached my first goal weight. Once I get to my second goal weight, I plan on getting another. Then, a big one for my UGW! I know that's a lot of money but I've saved up so much money from not eating and put it toward each tattoo. And it's turned out to be a lot of money!!

So in what ways do you normally reward yourself for milestones???

Friends Ghosted Me Because Of My SO
Created: Tue May 22 21:17:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lg5vi/friends_ghosted_me_because_of_my_so/
I thought I was really close with all of them, especially my so-called best friend before he just completely stopped talking to me. It was so fucked up. Three months later, he decided he wants to talk again and says he has to say something to me and ONLY me and ONLY in person. So he meets me at a coffee shop because I was sure I was gonna need a large black coffee and a cigarette with all the bullshit I was about to hear.

He tells me my SO becomes an asshole when he drinks (I'm aware and have talked to him about it. He's cut back) and he always acts all macho and cool and he doesn't like that he can get insulting and patronizing and he regrets encouraging me to move out of my mom's house and I moved too fast.

My mom. Who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. To my SO who not only spoils me but is very kind to me (when he doesn't drink). He has never been abusive, just a drunk prick sometimes. To which he says "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't". Meaning "at least you can *expect* to be abused by your narcissistic mother who put you through absolute hell and knew you were sexually abused by her boyfriend and did absolutely nothing."

If looks could kill, I would have been attending his wake by now. How *FUCKING* dare he. I'm so angry right now I can't even fucking think straight and I know this isn't ED related but honestly I needed to vent and also will probably restrict even *harder* because fuck me, right?

TL;DR: Learned a valuable lesson about friendship and how I can't depend on anyone but my fucking ED.

Oven Baked Original Potato Crisps - 120 calories per bag!
Created: Tue May 22 20:56:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lg0uj/oven_baked_original_potato_crisps_120_calories/

[Help] Terrified.
Created: Tue May 22 20:28:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lfu7l/terrified/
I cant live like this anymore. Everyday is a battle against my body. Against myself. Everyday is a battle against my own mind. When i wake up i feel fat, i feel horrible. I feel the need to weight myself. I let that number define me and go by my day. And its okay, until nighttime comes. I lose it. I breakdown and realize anorexia isnt the answer but i dont know if im ready to let it go just yet. I dont know what to do. Im tired. Im exhausted. Im starving. I need help. I want help. I miss me. I miss happy me. I miss who i used to be. I dont know what to do. I feel so lost and alone.

I think i just realized that i feel so much more comfortable being androgenous.
Created: Tue May 22 19:31:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lfh39/i_think_i_just_realized_that_i_feel_so_much_more/
I'm straight and cis but I've never really been comfortable with blatant femininity. I think when I'm at the high end of my weight range I try to compensate for my low self esteem by attempting to look girly but now that I'm getting close to my OG low weight and I'm letting myself dress with more freedom, im finding androgenous looks make me feel best about myself. I'm happy that I've realized this. It's a perfect time to start shaping my closit too because of the season change.

[Help] Inpatient experience? Melrose?
Created: Tue May 22 19:13:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lfcp9/inpatient_experience_melrose/
Can anyone tell me what going inpatient is like? Do they force you to eat? Especiallyyyyy if you have any experience at the melrose center please lmk

Im panicking
Created: Tue May 22 19:07:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lfbft/im_panicking/
This is the first time I've ever B/P while counting calories. The only thing I needed to bring up was a peice of pie, it was bright red with cherries. It was only maybe ten minutes after that I purged and a mix of the meal I ate today came up (about 5 hours after consumption) and that was mostly it. A small portion of pie came up but I couldnt get any more out. I feel like shit I can still feel it in my stomach. I hate this. Technically I'm still at a decent deficit if I average it out over the past week but I'm really disappointed that I had to purge a relatively nutritous meal. I'm going to feel so foggy and grumpy all day tomorrow. FUCK MY LIFE. Today would've been perfect

Weiging 99 pounds at 5'5 1/2 inches tall bit having a scary bad cycle that litersklt sent me home from work early...
Created: Tue May 22 19:07:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lfbaq/weiging_99_pounds_at_55_12_inches_tall_bit_having/
As it says, I got sick at work and had to leave mid day, I slept felt OK for a few hours now everything hurts worse. I don't want to take off tomorrow but I don't think I get a choice in that. Thanks endomitriosis for slapping me around... I know I'm off birth control but I need to keep my job... 🙀

[Help] I'm at my goal weight
Created: Tue May 22 19:06:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lfb6c/im_at_my_goal_weight/
I'm 5'4 and 109 pounds.

I achieved my goals. I got into nursing school. I own my own car. I got over my driving anxiety. Gave myself a makeover and turned from fat and awkward teen girl who everyone made fun of to the "fun, slim girl." I finally, have a job I love working in long term care. My goal is to help people with Alzheimer's. I really want to get into research. I already take extra Univeristy courses that focus on dementia for my learning. I do it for fun.

So if I'm small, slim, have a variety of hobbies and everyone says I'm a nice girl who means well, why haven't I had a date in years? Every guy I like and want to take it to the next level with rejects me because "I'm too good for them/don't want a relationship bur ur a good girl!!"

Fucking bullshit, I'm just not perfect enough for you. There is one guy who I liked a lot but he doesn't have a drivers licence, a high school drop out and he's super shy with women?? I like him a lot because otherwise we share a lot of hobbies :/ I never was able to find a guy I found attractive and have stuff in common. He knew me from when I was a 175lb bloated whale carcass and still found me attractive. My brains instantly attached it's so dumb

We hung out for a while and it seemed like he wanted something then said he won't go out with me :) :) yet still flirts with me fuck u he's been ghosted

I'm so pathetic for having thoughts of depression because I can't even get a boyfriend. What a fucking loser I am. Yes, I'm salty and jealous of people in relationships. No shame. I love seeing all my friends on Facebook with their boyfriends/finances while I'm here alone. I make an effort to go outside and be social when I'm not at work.

Maybe I need to be skinnier or something. I have these horrible thoughts in my head. I worry that if I let myself go and get fat again, I'll never find someone...I'll just end up back where I started which was fat and depressed. Being skinny and depressed isn't any better I guess

I thought that if I was slim, that I would feel better about myself. It's never enough. My first goal was 125, the weight I was before I dated my ex. Then it's 120. Lately it's been 110. Now I want 99. I'll never be happy.

I stopped restricting and purging for 6 months and now I'm back and worse than ever. I now only drink diet ice coffee and a small portion of chips and dip that comes to 400 cal a day. I love losing 4 pounds in a week but the happy feeling goes away when I realize how fat I look in the mirror. I think I'll be here for a while, I'd rather feel starvation than the feeling that nobody will love me

TL;DR this mental disorder will never allow me to be happy

Created: Tue May 22 18:59:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lf9c4/i_need_help/

400 pound man told me he wouldn't date a fat girl
Created: Tue May 22 18:27:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lf1zp/400_pound_man_told_me_he_wouldnt_date_a_fat_girl/
This story popped into my head after reading another post so I thought I would share:

Last year I dated a guy who was maaaybe around 400 pounds \(no exaggeration\). I was at my thinnest. He's a big deal in the city where we live and has an awesome personality, so I totally overlooked the weight thing. Anyway, we were peoplewatching at dinner at a fancy steak place while he cooed about how I was "soooo his type". A group of girls of the same ethnicity walked past our table \(although about 20 years older than I am, chubby but not \~fat\~ per se, and dressed in stiff bodycons that weren't the most flattering\) and, wanting to test the "type" thing he kept going on about, I asked, "Well, what about them?" Without hesitation or an ounce of irony he said, "No! They're fat." My jaw dropped!

The double standards are so real :/ I will literally never give up the fight to be slim, people \(even morbidly obese people\) treat you so different.

Undeserving of Healthy Food
Created: Tue May 22 18:16:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lez6t/undeserving_of_healthy_food/
Does anyone else feel like they don't deserve any effort put into what they actually eat?

Like, yeah, I could go to the store to get vegetables, but there's already food here, and I can save money and time by simply subsisting on crackers and pickles. I've been really craving a salad, but I also feel like I don't deserve the cost and effort it takes to have one.

Shout out to baby food
Created: Tue May 22 18:12:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ley89/shout_out_to_baby_food/
Who gives a fuck what the label/marketing is. Low cal tasty fruit/veg pouches?? An entire bag of fruit/yogurt bites thats ~100 calories?? Sign me the fuck up

I've been going through phases of heavy restricting and eating only raw fruit/vegetables, then needing to eat shitty junk food for a while, and bounching back between the two extremes. Eating food that's not garbage in small portions/low calorie counts and not having the urge to go to extremes is amazing

Also quest bars and yasso pints, amazing

[Help] Appetite suppressing marijuana
Created: Tue May 22 18:08:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lex7l/appetite_suppressing_marijuana/
Anyone know any strains of weed that suppress appetite?
Weed doesn’t make me super hungry but makes me just want to eat. It’s fine for when I’m going to bed but I’m looking for a sativa that suppresses appetite so I can actually smoke and do things instead of just pass out

I feel like I haven't lost anything but suddenly I realized I can wrap my fingers around my wrist.
Created: Tue May 22 18:05:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lewd6/i_feel_like_i_havent_lost_anything_but_suddenly_i/
The scale says that I've lost about 18 pounds in the past months, but I've developed pretty bad body dysmorphia and never really saw the weight loss. Way back when I was at my highest weight, but hadn't developed my ED yet, I couldn't wrap my fingers around my wrist.

I just randomly remembered that and tried it. I can do it now, and it's not even close too. There's a legit gap. I can't really believe it now, because it's sort of like being confronted with your body dysmorphia.

[Rant/Rave] Misophonic Rant
Created: Tue May 22 17:55:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8leu51/misophonic_rant/
Why the absolute fuck do people at work feel like it's completely normal to chew loudly and hover over me. Pro tip: gum breath is not good breath, you smell sickly sweet and like you're trying to hide something. Also when I can hear you chew it makes me fucking murderous. Is there anyone in the world who isn't repulsed by this?

One of them is eating a fucking carrot stick right now. A FUCKING CARROT STICK. Carrots should be illegal in public.

At least it has nauseated me to the point where I just don't eat at work now. Works out nicely when it's 16hr days:)

[Rant/Rave] [Rave] Simply Sara on youtube
Created: Tue May 22 17:54:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lettq/rave_simply_sara_on_youtube/
On mobile, can't flair.

Anyone else watch these videos? I find them oddly fascinating and I sort of feel it helps my urges to binge. I think Sara is so sweet, too. Her weight helps me equate all the fatty (yet delicious looking) food with not wanting to eat it. Just a soothing vibe... Dunno how to explain it. 🙃

Miracle noodles makes ready to eat meals!
Created: Tue May 22 17:52:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8letfv/miracle_noodles_makes_ready_to_eat_meals/
They are vegan and less than 200 calories! Theyve got flavours like pad thai, curry, and spaghetti.

[Discussion] PENPALS? 28 F based in the UK most people I know do not understand this part of me... anyone else in the same boat want a friend? :)
Created: Tue May 22 17:51:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8let40/penpals_28_f_based_in_the_uk_most_people_i_know/

ED Psychonauts?
Created: Tue May 22 17:49:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8leso6/ed_psychonauts/
I'm tripping quite comfortable on a lovely dosage of 4-AcO-DMT at the moment, and I was just wondering if there are any other psychonauts, acid heads, shroom goons or other lovers of drugs of the psychedelic nature here!

take it easy but take it, my lovelies!

Created: Tue May 22 17:38:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8leq2l/fuck_yeah_the_universe_is_on_my_side_for_once/
weighed in at 119 today while wearing a heavyass belt, jean shorts and a push up bra lol

my spreadsheet says I should be 122 with all my bingeing lately butttt I’m gonna ignore that

[Help] Fluctuating weight?
Created: Tue May 22 17:34:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lep5n/fluctuating_weight/
I know that your weight will always differ but is it normal that I’ll weigh myself at night and I could be 2kg lighter than I was in the morning or 2kg heavier (depending if I eat during the day)
Is it water weight?? I don’t understand lol

[Goal] From now on, I’m gonna try and stop counting calories
Created: Tue May 22 17:23:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lemgh/from_now_on_im_gonna_try_and_stop_counting/
lol but it’s not cause I want to recover

I just want to be one of those cute “naturally very very skinny” people

[Rant/Rave] DAE feel really weird about feeling full at low restriction?
Created: Tue May 22 17:23:07 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lemeu/dae_feel_really_weird_about_feeling_full_at_low/
For the last few days I have been super duper anxious and unintentionally eating \<500cals but not feeling hungry at all. It's been weird I guess, but also no one really notices which is both nice and not nice because I guess a part of me wants someone \(SO, coworkers, w/e\) to notice that I'm not really doing so hot? even though I've lost 2 lbs in the last 3 days which is great lol. But also I'm not physically uncomfortable at all, so it makes me feel more anxious and like like I'm headed down a potentially bad road. But again, I'm getting hella results. Man, this conflicted feeling has me really fucked up I guess lol.

[Goal] A very weird victory...
Created: Tue May 22 17:10:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lejey/a_very_weird_victory/
The only pair of pants I feel comfortable in are wearing out, and at first I was really upset because the only pair of these same pants I could find are a size down from the size I need. But then I realized that the place where it’s wearing out are my butt bones. My butt is so boney that it’s wearing out my pants. And as a girl who has a huge (lol) problem with her lower half, something about that feels weirdly comforting and exciting. I thought if you anyone would understand it would be you all.

[Discussion] It's incredible how long it took to come to a decision for dinner and this is it. Pacing, sweating, opening and closing the fridge. And THIS is what I decide. I love my ED (sometimes) but this part sucks.
Created: Tue May 22 17:08:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8leiwz/its_incredible_how_long_it_took_to_come_to_a/

A fun way to stop yourself from binging!
Created: Tue May 22 17:00:27 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8legq4/a_fun_way_to_stop_yourself_from_binging/
Enroll in an intense, 8-week microbiology class over the summer. Every class is five goddamn hours long. You can't eat or drink anything the entire time. The class is full of thin, beautiful, successful women, half of whom are at your dream school in your dream program. Wear your stupid, shapeless lab coat that makes you look like a sausage covered in deflated whipped cream for 5 hours while looking at all these tiny, in shape, happy people.

Go home planning to binge because you're a fat piece of shit so WHY NOT, but a sad song comes on shuffle in the car on the drive home, and then you get home literally too depressed and tired to even stand over the sink eating everything in sight, so you'll just crawl into bed having completed your effortless 24 hour fast, because you have an 8am class you need to be up early for tomorrow, and what's the fucking point anyway.

Slow healing
Created: Tue May 22 16:42:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lec8u/slow_healing/
Anyone else notice they heal really slowly while restricting? I eat around 600-800cal a day for the past 2 months? I have a scab on my knuckle that’s been there for weeks.. and a skin infection on my nipple that’s been there for almost a month. Is this a thing or am I crazy?

[Mood] When y'all say relapsed you mean into ED. When I say relapsed, I mean into regular eating. :(
Created: Tue May 22 16:25:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8le7z4/mood_when_yall_say_relapsed_you_mean_into_ed_when/

[Discussion] Nootropics anyone?
Created: Tue May 22 16:18:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8le5wa/nootropics_anyone/
Many different nootropics claim they can improve focus, increase energy, increase well-being, reduce anxiety and more.

All of these things reduce appetite and the need to binge. Although I don't want to promote this to people who heavily restrict because idk if these would wreak havoc if you weren't getting proper nutrition. I also don't want to promote this at all because I know there are adverse reactions and the long-term effects are unknown, but I did want to hear if anyone has tried them.

[Rant/Rave] Food I can't buy
Created: Tue May 22 16:12:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8le4dt/food_i_cant_buy/
Both wow and yikes. Ive been trying to buy chicken to cook for a week. I cant do it. I walk in the store stare at it, get anxious and buy another vegtable. It's fine if other people prepare it for me and its people I love. But for myself, no way.

Like, having a panic attack and buying a sweet potato about it is not solving my problems. I am still only eating safe food. Like good luck prying this really disordered version of veganism from my cold malnourish hands MoFo. It's not even on purpose anymore.

I go to the store saying in going to buy protein and iron rich foods but then my brain js like WHOOPS did you mean a water melon? Did you mean cauliflower and lettuce? How about we leave as fast as possible?

It's getting creepy and repeative. Its just some girl wearing a fucking sleeping bag stareing at the meat section looking very concerned talking to herself.

Some one help me think of a alternative or a way to trick myself into doing this.

DAE watch tiny food videos an think "I could eat the without obsessing over the calories in that tiny cake"?
Created: Tue May 22 16:04:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8le299/dae_watch_tiny_food_videos_an_think_i_could_eat/
I watch a lot of food videos (contrary to many people, they make me feel full) and I came across tiny kitchen videos and now all I can think is that if I took normal meals and made them tiny that I could eat "normal meals" and get the taste but not have to worry about calories....

Finding energy for exercise
Created: Tue May 22 16:02:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8le1qz/finding_energy_for_exercise/
I’m want to get back into exercising because when I did it for 4 weeks straight, I felt ~healthy~ (even tho I was eating 1500 calories a day lmaaaoooo) but I’m eating <800 a day, averaging around 600 a day. I’m exhausted right now and don’t feel like working out but I REALLY want to. How do you find the energy to work out even when you’re really tired?

[Rant/Rave] Friends’ idea of ‘fun’ is eating out
Created: Tue May 22 15:50:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldyck/friends_idea_of_fun_is_eating_out/
And I’m so sick of it. They say it’s dinner but it’s basically just binging on a shitload of carbs. They’re the types to comment and insist I eat more if they see me eating smaller portions or to guilt me into eating more than what I planned and want to. I’m restricting right now so it’s not ideal and I can’t flake so all of my efforts to lose weight this week are just going to go to waste.

I love my friends but I hate being fat and getting fatter. So it’s a bit of a pisstake that having them around gives me no other choice but to be fat.

[Rant/Rave] Mom telling me I’m going to get fat
Created: Tue May 22 15:50:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldy9a/mom_telling_me_im_going_to_get_fat/
My sister makes no bake cookies and I had two or three this morning with a bowl of cereal. Well after not eating since 10am and it’s 5:46 now, I get a glass of milk and the container and plan to eat two more.

Well then my mother said I’m going to become diabetic and gain weight and then I explained to her I have eaten well below maintenance and it didn’t register with her. She’s one of the people that doesn’t understand this kind of stuff.

Then my eldest sister butted in and said “Mom, do you want to give her an eating disorder?”

I’ve been off in college so they haven’t seen how little I eat and that I’ve slowly gotten back into my disordered eating patterns.

I felt so disgusting after my mother said that stuff to me. She doesn’t seem to know how much that kind of talk affects me. It kinda killed what I have left of an appetite. I’m going to still eat them because fuck her I’m losing weight with my current eating habits.. what does she know anyway.

[Help] On vacation, it’s been three days and i’ve gained 6 pounds?
Created: Tue May 22 15:45:06 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldwt8/on_vacation_its_been_three_days_and_ive_gained_6/
Okay so I’m literally bugging out right now.

I’ve been restricting to <500 for weeks now and I’ve been doing *so* good. I am now on vacation and I’ve actually haven’t binged since this vacation started. I’ve been doing my best to log everything into MFP and I haven’t gone over 1,000 cals- yesterday I stayed under 700. I got on the scale at my friend’s house last night and my weight had shot up 6 pounds.

This seems IMPOSSIBLE to me... I’ve only been here for three days, I know some of it is water weight but holy shit that was the worst I’ve felt in so long.

I have 5 more days of vacation left and I am obsessing over the fucking 6 pounds on the scale. I know I’m going to be eating more too and I can’t exactly fast when I’m surrounded by my concerned friends. Help.

How can you tell if you have a small or large frame?
Created: Tue May 22 15:35:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldubx/how_can_you_tell_if_you_have_a_small_or_large/
Is this just something you figure out once you are at a low enough weight? You do you determine was a small or big frame is? I have small wrists and my bones don't really show that easily but I feel like at the same time, my shoulders are kind of wide and I'm 5'6. Is there a formula for this?

I feel like shit about muffins I haven’t even eaten
Created: Tue May 22 15:35:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldu40/i_feel_like_shit_about_muffins_i_havent_even_eaten/
They’re just sitting there; four orange cranberry muffins in a plastic container, on the kitchen table and I’m leaning against the far corner kitchen counter with my coffee just... staring at them. I got them 2 hours ago and I already convinced myself I didn’t want them immediately upon seeing the bold calorie sticker plastered to the front “540 calories per jumbo muffin” as if it’s proclaiming it, as if they’re proud of themselves. But I’m supposed to be making my relapse come back, I’m supposed to be gaining, and my boyfriend knows that. So we bickered quietly before I flat out refused to eat 540 calories for a snack because even if I’m gaining im still not packing on the pounds, and he made the compromise that I would have half of one whenever I felt like having one.

I put them in my basket with my lean cut pork and veggies, walked up to the cashier, and paid for my groceries without saying much of anything. I mean what is there to say? Honestly? That I am a horrendous excuse for a human being, that’s a start. A normal person wouldn’t have even cared, but me? I’m in the midst of an anxiety attack and I have to take a Xanax because I bought fucking muffins and I haven’t even eaten one. And what’s worse? I will probably never eat one of these god damned muffins. I’ll just continue to stare at them until I am as old and rotted as they are; until my boyfriend breaks up with me because I’m not normal anymore, because I can feel my thighs getting fatter without even putting a crumb of these muffins into my mouth.

So if anyone is looking for me, I’m in my kitchen wasting away with the muffins I now own and will probably die with.

[Discussion] new diet!!!!!!
Created: Tue May 22 15:23:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldqy1/new_diet/
started my new diet today! only eating baby food for the next 20 days. 😇 two cans a day, that's it. (well, kind of. i bought dried apple chips and baby rice cereal as well if i'm like really starving) i'm hoping to lose a pound a day. anyone else starting new diets today?? [here's my haul! ](https://imgur.com/a/hEpmfJ1) baby food is SO yummy honestly, and i eat it with a baby spoon. i feel so cute when i eat it! it's the one food i can eat without feeling guilty.

Seeing my GP tomorrow - pray for me...
Created: Tue May 22 15:22:04 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldqnj/seeing_my_gp_tomorrow_pray_for_me/
So I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning, to try and (hopefully) get a formal diagnosis for my ED and access to a counsellor/therapist of some kind, and I'm absolutely bricking it right now. Anyone else who's done this by themselves, what kind of thing can I expect? I don't have anyone to go with me so I'll be doing this on my own (hence the nerves). Some good vibes would be much appreciated...

How do you fit alcohol into your allowance?
Created: Tue May 22 15:11:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldnt3/how_do_you_fit_alcohol_into_your_allowance/
I have friends coming over tonight and they usually drink beers and I do have vodka for myself, but it’s still 60 calories that could be going to food ya know? How do you all fit alcohol into your calorie allowance?

[Rant/Rave] Birthday binging
Created: Tue May 22 14:55:08 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldj62/birthday_binging/
Today's my birthday and I thought fuck it, I'm not gonna count calories, I'm gonna have fun today. Cue a 3500 cal binge and now I hate myself, and I have no opportunity to purge. I feel so goddamn disgusting why do I have no control I was meant to enjoy myself today and now I feel worse than ever..

Pokemon go
Created: Tue May 22 14:45:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldgic/pokemon_go/
Pokemon go is my holy grail for motivation to work out. I'm too weak and embarrassed to go to the gym so instead I'll walk around my city for a few hours playing pokemon go. It's fun and distracting so I barely even notice how far I'm walking. Helps me do at least 10k steps a day, easy. Anyone else do this? I've never seen anyone talk about it.

[Rant/Rave] feel like i'm in a constant tug of war with my body...
Created: Tue May 22 14:44:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ldfzs/feel_like_im_in_a_constant_tug_of_war_with_my_body/
and i'm just so tired!

i've always dealt with restrictive ed issues and bad body image, and relapsed around february after being recovered for a loong time. for the first few months i dropped weight at a consistent rate and didn't have too hard of a time restricting, but for the past couple of weeks i feel like i've just been losing and regaining the same 3ish pounds and i can't stand it anymore. my original gw to reach by june 1st was 110, but i broke that and still wasn't happy \(lol shocker\) and decided to bump my goal down to 105.

since then i feel like i've been constantly bouncing between like 108.5 and 111.5. i have really good, consistent work weeks \(monday\-friday\) of restricting, eating super healthy food and working out every day. i hit low weights on thursdays/fridays and feel great, but then the weekends always turn into progress\-wrecking nightmares. i either have social plans \(which always revolve around food\) where i let myself eat way too much, or i decide to go easy on myself for a day because "i had a good week" or whatever excuse. inevitably, the one or two treats i try to plan and control lead to a massive binge of everything i can find in my kitchen \(which is dangerous because i can't stand wasting food, so i have some junk food hoarded away\).

i feel like i'm just in a cycle of endlessly fighting with my body and i don't know what to do anymore.

on "good" days \(or after a few "good" days\) of restricting and exercising, etc i feel great and in control. i see results that make me happy and motivated. but i keep sabotaging myself!! i don't want to completely eliminate treats or go\-easy days, for the sake of my mental health and making this weight loss sustainable long\-term, but it seems like they just trigger me to totally lose my shit and eat uncontrollably until it hurts. i'm tired of spending the first half of every week doing damage control from the weekend, but i never learn or change.

logically, i know i should probably up my calories slightly during the week and be more balanced in general so i don't go wildly binging out of control from one taste of sugar or carbs, but that would mean slowing down my plan and i get too much gratification out of seeing quick results from fasting and low restriction. :\(

UGH i just wish i could keep losing at the rate i did for the first few months of this relapse. i feel stuck. i feel like my body is fighting me so hard to not lose any more weight, even though i still feel disgusting and huge and i know i have plenty of fat to lose.

realistically, i know it's just my lack of self control when it comes to weekends and junk food \- not actually my body revolting against me. i just wish it weren't so hard. i wish i weren't so damn obsessed with any of this stuff. i'm so tired of living like this but feeling like i basically have nothing to show for my struggles because i'm not thin enough yet.

anyway, if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading my rant and i hope you're having a wonderful day c: \<3

[Help] how to get bronkaid? / OTC medication
Created: Tue May 22 14:36:50 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lddwc/how_to_get_bronkaid_otc_medication/
Ok this is probably a really stupid question but basically I’ve never gotten OTC meds before and talking to people is scary

I live in America, and I think CVS probably has it? but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, just walk up to the pharmacy counter and ask for it?

Do I say why, pretend I have asthma, something ?? Do I need to show ID? (Im old enough to drink so obviously I should be old enough for buy asthma meds!!) I’m just so scared of looking stupid LOL

and the CVS is in a busy area so there are always people around, picking up prescriptions, that kind of thing. The pharmacy has multiple windows so I don’t even know which one to go to...

I’m way over thinking this. I’m sorry my anxiety makes such simple tasks so hard!

How did your parents react?
Created: Tue May 22 14:21:13 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ld9ba/how_did_your_parents_react/
When your parents found out about your ED how did they react? How did they find out?

My scale was right all along!!
Created: Tue May 22 14:12:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ld6s9/my_scale_was_right_all_along/
Omggg so last year, my mum told me our scale was wrong and took away 2 kilos from your weight. So every time we would weigh we would mentally add 2 kilograms..

and today, I got the idea to test how much the scale was *actually* fucking me over. I put two 2.5 bags of rice, and lo and behold.. 5 kilograms! It was correct all along, and my BMI is actually a whole 0.5 less than I thought it was!

I'm so happy about this.

[Help] I’m so fucking anxious all the time
Created: Tue May 22 13:55:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8ld1nt/im_so_fucking_anxious_all_the_time/
I haven’t been diagnosed with anxiety but I’m pretty sure that’s what I’ve been feeling constantly.
My ed has been pretty full force lately and I can’t stop thinking about my weight and food and if I should eat or if I should fast and if I want to maintain or lose. These thoughts are CONSTANTLY running through my mind.

I just want to turn my brain off. It’s so exhausting. Especially if I spend all day telling myself I’m going to fast and then night comes and I have no problem eating... like I just wasted my whole fucking day stressing.

Am I able to get meds for anxiety without going to a therapist? Like could my doctor prescribe them? I don’t really want to be medicated like that but I am just so worked up and stressed out all the time I can’t focus or enjoy anything else

Do antidepressants cause weight gain?
Created: Tue May 22 13:40:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lcxer/do_antidepressants_cause_weight_gain/
I’ve been on sertraline for a couple of years, and upped my dosage a few months ago. I gained some weight a while ago, and I’m finding it impossible to lose any. I don’t know whether it’s the pills preventing me from losing weight, or maybe my metabolism has slowed down because of my age (nearly 30). I try so hard, something is stopping me from losing weight. Anybody here on antidepressants? Did you notice any changes in weight?

[Discussion] does anyone else feel like they haven’t “earned” their weight?
Created: Tue May 22 13:19:01 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lcqvb/does_anyone_else_feel_like_they_havent_earned/
i’ve been fasting for 52 hours as of now. i weighed myself this morning. the scale said 107. i can’t let myself believe it because HOW? i’ve been struggling to even break 108.0 and now i’m a full pound under that?

i keep thinking maybe the scale is lying, it’s messed up, broken, something. i don’t look any different than i did eleven pounds ago, save some stomach bloat. my thighs aren’t smaller, my face isn’t thinner, my ribs aren’t more prominent. i feel like i don’t deserve this weight because i don’t look like my BMI is 17.8. i can still grab lumps of fat off my own stomach. my legs still jiggle. i still have a round face.

it’s just frustrating because i’ve been trying to break this plateau for so long and now that i have, i feel like i don’t deserve it.

trying not to freak out
Created: Tue May 22 13:09:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lco3r/trying_not_to_freak_out/
so it appears ive pushed my body a bit far by walking wayy to much in the past couple of day 😅
now my left leg hurts all the time. the pain is manageable but i still probably means i should go easy on it for some time.
so no jogging and walking for me.

dont know what to do now tho since these were my go to ways of burning down calories :/

are there even any cardio-exercises which dont use the legs??

[Help] XS Compression Stockings
Created: Tue May 22 12:36:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lce7w/xs_compression_stockings/
This might not be the right place to post but I’m not sure where else to ask. I’m having a lot of swelling in my legs, particularly my calves and thighs from standing all day. Does anyone know where I can order XS compression stockings from? I can only find small and they’re not tight enough on my legs even at the highest compression. I found a lot online but I’m unfamiliar with the brands so I’m looking more for some recommendations for brands than just a website.

Guys...I'm moving to a fat state!!
Created: Tue May 22 11:58:28 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lc2oc/guysim_moving_to_a_fat_state/
Got an awesome new job, get to move to a sweet city, but what am I most excited about? Moving from a "fit" state to a "fat" state. Please tell me I'm not the only one...regale me with the wonders of being surrounded by people on mobility scooters in Walmart <3.

[Other] How about no?
Created: Tue May 22 11:55:24 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lc1ql/how_about_no/

[Discussion] Conflicted on potentially losing head fog
Created: Tue May 22 11:44:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lbyjg/conflicted_on_potentially_losing_head_fog/
Lately I been pretty weak and I have zero energy because of restriction. With this comes my head fog. It's like I barely think about anything other then planning my food for the day, that I'm obsessed about. Everything else I'm my life is just meh. I used to be obsessed about gaming and political shit got me mad but now nothing matters.

As of last week I've upped my calories from 1200 to 1400 per day and I have more energy but the fog has stayed. I want to increase my calories more so I can have more energy at work but I'm scared of gained weight and I kinda like the fog. Life is simpler this way, I'm happier.

Is there a middle ground where I can keep the mental fog but not gain too much and have enough energy for work?

My bmr is 2025 and my tdee is 2228.

[Discussion] Diet soda
Created: Tue May 22 11:26:17 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lbsq2/diet_soda/
Anyone else get random nightmares that the diet fountain soda is actually regular?

[Discussion] I keep having dreams of eating “fear foods”
Created: Tue May 22 10:50:05 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lbhgc/i_keep_having_dreams_of_eating_fear_foods/
Again, today! I dreamt I had a bite of a mars bar and started freaking out! I scared myself so much I woke up from my dream. Anyone else do this? It’s so fricking weird.

is this normal when fainting?
Created: Tue May 22 10:39:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lbell/is_this_normal_when_fainting/
sooooo i fainted for the first time in my life earlier (like, actually, fully, entirely, fainting and collapsing to the ground - ive been close but always managed to stay on my feet) and i had this weird, shaking, twitching feeling going through my entire body. i am not sure if it was just a feeling or if i actually was twitching on the ground... is that just the feeling of fainting or am i dying?

(i ate something afterwards)

(it had just finished raining so this wasnt the greatest first fainting experience)

(i have some scratches on my hand now, ouchie)

(im glad no one saw me)

[Discussion] Does anyone else not eat when they are REALLY depressed?
Created: Tue May 22 10:31:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lbcde/does_anyone_else_not_eat_when_they_are_really/
If it's just my generic "I want to die but I'm feeling sort of neutral today", then I will binge and hate myself because I have so many body issues. it is insane.

However, on days like today, where I am "I am one knife cut away from killing myself, I might as well be in a coma, I can't interact with society, I hate everyone and everything and want to kill myself instantly" kind of mood, then I starve.

6 kilos lighter than I thought I was??!!
Created: Tue May 22 09:29:16 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8laup3/6_kilos_lighter_than_i_thought_i_was/
I bought a scale today because fuck being healthy. I was stupid nervous to step on it 'cause I believed my weight to be around 62 kg, and honestly, I'd mentally steeled myself to see something as high as 66 kg. Nah, instead the scale says fucking 56 kg? This is so motivating, but how???

The only explanation I've got is that the scale must be malfunctioning, being a cheapo analogue scale and all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(hi again everyone, I used to hang out here on a different account prior to a stint of attempted healthiness, which just made me fat lol)

Frozen food calories?
Created: Tue May 22 09:18:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lartl/frozen_food_calories/
I was just curious if the calories were based on frozen weight or heated weight?

Like if I wanted to eat 150g of chicken that is in the freezer would I heat it up, then weight or weight before heating if the serving size is 75g on the packaging?

I don't even know if that makes sense

Anybody else's partner get insecure because of your ED?
Created: Tue May 22 09:03:32 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lanl8/anybody_elses_partner_get_insecure_because_of/

Soylent drink diet
Created: Tue May 22 08:22:57 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8lacth/soylent_drink_diet/
Has anyone tried it? Soylent is a meal replacement drink that apparently has 20% of your daily nutrition needs in each bottle. They each have 400 calories so it’s intended that you drink at least three a day, but I’m gonna try to stretch it out to 1-2 a day.
Just started today with the cocoa flavored one and it’s pretty yummy!

Naturally thin friends
Created: Tue May 22 08:07:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8la8tx/naturally_thin_friends/
I had friends growing up who were always skinnier than me. Like they felt like they needed to gain weight (a very foreign concept to me) because they were *so* naturally thin. I figured by the time we got older they would gain the weight, but they never did.... I wish I could be like them. Naturally 110/120 lbs. I gained 25lbs just within the last 3 years.

Craving the tired listlessness that comes from not eating enough
Created: Tue May 22 07:33:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8la0ed/craving_the_tired_listlessness_that_comes_from/
I know this is really bad and very unhealthy, but I just need to get it off my chest. I've been severely depressed for the past few years, with manic highs and crashes every so often. In recent months, it's gotten better and then much much worse. Now, it's so painful just waking up in the morning and being aware of the negative feelings in my chest. I feel like I can't escape them, even though I know it's all in my head.

Nowadays, I've fallen to coping by not eating, either only a little or not at all, and if I eat enough so that my stomach feels full, I need to purge it out. I crave the feeling of exhaustion, of being so tired and listless and in a fog, so that I can't focus on those negative feelings anymore. This is so unhealthy, I know it, but I just needed to rant about this somewhere. Nowadays, I really feel like I'm losing it.

[Rant/Rave] Does anyone else HATE thinspo pics?
Created: Tue May 22 07:31:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9zth/does_anyone_else_hate_thinspo_pics/
The girls in thinspo are always so petite. They have narrow shoulders, fragile wrists... Their hips are just slightly wider than their t i n y waist.

Even if I weighed 110lbs at 5’9 I’d be wide and big. Even when my bones stick out I look huge. I’m genuinely big boned.

I can’t get smaller bones, I can’t get shorter, so why do I torture myself? Why do I look at perfect girls I can never be no matter how hard I try?

It’s so weird looking at “goals” that can never be your goal.

There’s probably something poetic in this about death being the only conclusion to this problem or something. I don’t care though. I just want to be petite and cute more than living.

[Other] Thinspo nostalgia makes me sad.
Created: Tue May 22 07:24:31 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9y8w/thinspo_nostalgia_makes_me_sad/
I remember my senior year of high school, I came across thinspo for the first time, came across livejournal in it’s tail-end. I also happened to lose a lot of weight at the time, and go shopping and it felt sooo amazing.

Remember Nicole Richie’s dramatic weight-loss? Wow.

Few years later I stumbled across Shmegeh on tumblr. I loved her aesthetic and the vibe of her blog. Unfortunately some shit went down and she sort of “vanished” from her internet-presence.


[Rant/Rave] Possibly the worst thing you could say
Created: Tue May 22 06:53:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9r2y/possibly_the_worst_thing_you_could_say/
I was being intimate with the guy I'm seeing and I looked in the mirror and said "yikes I'm gaining weight" in an effort to be comforting he said "you're gaining weight in all the right places"

WHAT. Well fuck me sideways huh. I wanna plummet into restrict mode. It's hard, I have to take some baby steps, starting with logging my calories. I have been working out a lot lately so he could be referring to me gaining muscle, which does weigh more than fat. But my silly psychotic brain won't consider that. I'm not mad at him (he knows about my ED) just traumatized. Yeah fuck me guys I am gaining weight.

[Rant/Rave] Possibly the worst thing you could say
Created: Tue May 22 06:53:19 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9qxp/possibly_the_worst_thing_you_could_say/
I was being intimate with the guy I'm seeing and I looked in the mirror and said "yikes I'm gaining weight" in an effort to be comforting he said "you're gaining weight in all the right places"

WHAT. Well fuck me sideways huh. I wanna plummet into restrict mode. It's hard, I have to take some baby steps, starting with logging my calories. I have been working out a lot lately so he could be referring to me gaining muscle, which does weigh more than fat. But my silly psychotic brain won't consider that. I'm not mad at him (he knows about my ED) just traumatized. Yeah fuck me guys I am gaining weight.

Well I'm back to logging
Created: Tue May 22 06:48:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9pwf/well_im_back_to_logging/
I've been feeling more and more compelled lately to log my calories and I just can't help it anymore. I think I should go out and buy a nice notebook. I wonder how long it will last this time. I want to keep myself accountable and recognize trends. I feel like I'm getting fatter and it's pretty fucking scary :(

[Rant/Rave] Well I'm back to logging
Created: Tue May 22 06:47:42 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9prf/well_im_back_to_logging/
I've been feeling more and more compelled lately to log my calories and I just can't help it anymore. I think I should go out and buy a nice notebook. I wonder how long it will last this time. I want to keep myself accountable and recognize trends. I feel like I'm getting fatter and it's pretty fucking scary :(

I never realized how little most people know about nutrition
Created: Tue May 22 06:47:30 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9pq5/i_never_realized_how_little_most_people_know/
Now disclaimer, obviously ED behaviors don't align with what nutrition science suggests, but I'm sure most of us know what is "ideally" healthy even if we don't follow it.

I was having a conversation with two friends the other day, and dropped in something about macros. Neither knew what macros were, ok, but then when they asked me to explain they were baffled that I knew all this stuff. (And by all this stuff I mean TDEE, BMR, basic caloric/protein/carb/fat needs). I don't expect most people to know about counting macros or anything, but not knowing how many calories you should eat? Not knowing that a banana was made of carbohydrates? I could have ranted for hours about food and nutrition, and they have never even checked the nutrition label on most anything they eat.

I've been counting calories since middle school, probably before that (lol I was a 5th grader on weight watchers) and can't imagine a world where I didn't know the approximate calories (and an estimated macro breakdown) of.... anything. It seems like such a nice way to live, not thinking about it. I was honestly just taken aback by the disparity in what others know vs. what we do.

Well I'm back to logging
Created: Tue May 22 06:47:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9pnu/well_im_back_to_logging/
I've been feeling more and more compelled lately to log my calories and I just can't help it anymore. I think I should go out and buy a nice notebook. I wonder how long it will last this time. I want to keep myself accountable and recognize trends. I feel like I'm getting fatter and it's pretty fucking scary :(

[Rant/Rave] Well I'm back to logging
Created: Tue May 22 06:46:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9pg2/well_im_back_to_logging/
I've been feeling more and more compelled lately to log my calories and I just can't help it anymore. I think I should go out and buy a nice notebook. I wonder how long it will last this time. I want to keep myself accountable and recognize trends. I feel like I'm getting fatter and it's pretty fucking scary :(

My school found out...
Created: Tue May 22 06:41:03 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9o6c/my_school_found_out/
Yea, some of my friends have noticed that Ive been skipping meals and told a teacher \(I go to a boarding school so no 'Ive already eaten' excuses\). Im just so gutted and sad and I have no idea what to do...

[Goal] Let the fasting begin....
Created: Tue May 22 06:26:43 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9l84/let_the_fasting_begin/
After a weekend of letting loose and eating more than usual. Which I'm sure isn't much to people, certainly not a binge, but indulging it a lot of my "bad" foods.
Going to do my best to not weigh myself until this coming Saturday, and drink lots and lots of water and supplement, and fast. Basically my entire mood and ability to sleep, focus, do anything is now all on the fact that I indulged a little this past weekend. I feel like people can see it, my face is bigger, my bloating is so bad that it hurts to move around. It was okay to indulge but not worth feeling like this at ALL. I plan to do my best to fast, I may have a soda cracker when I'm feeling a little week but other than that I should be okay. Looking forward to the weight coming back off by the weekend and hopefully losing even more weight this time.
Agghhh wish me luck.

Hope you all enjoyed your long weekends xox

Be still my hyper-logging heart. Fitbit now has lady part tracking with notifications. "You're gonna bleed soon. That's why you want to eat a house."
Created: Tue May 22 06:23:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9kkd/be_still_my_hyperlogging_heart_fitbit_now_has/

A Rising Issue With This Physical Form
Created: Tue May 22 06:12:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9i7b/a_rising_issue_with_this_physical_form/
This disorder has made my hair thin and loose. And often while drunk I find myself pulling it out of my head. Lately, I do this too while sober. I am wondering if anyone else has done the same.

What are the steps you took to fix this?

I've got [poodle hair](http://www.poodleforum.com/attachments/poodle-rainbow/20707d1319218233-black-poodle-thread-674.jpg) yo I don't want it out.

[Sticky] Thinspo Tuesday May 22, 2018
Created: Tue May 22 06:10:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9hpe/thinspo_tuesday_may_22_2018/
Eating disorders are real, complex, and devastating conditions that can have serious consequences for physical health. Use this thread to post pictures of anything that inspires or you find to be something "motivating".

**Please note that we are not using this post to glorify or glamorize eating disorders. Anything that is not clearly from a professional photo shoot or is "bonespo" (extremely thin to the point of being skeletal) will be removed.** Selfies, bodychecks, or OOTD posts will also be removed as they belong in the Friday sticky thread.


Thinspo threads are posted every Tuesday.

Have any questions or concerns? Looking for self-care and beauty tips? Comment below, or [PM the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FproED) and feel free to take your self-care/beauty needs to the "Stupid Questions Saturday" weekly thread!

[Sticky] Daily Food Diary! May 22, 2018
Created: Tue May 22 06:10:37 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9hou/daily_food_diary_may_22_2018/
This is a daily food diary thread for May 22, 2018.

You do not necessarily need to wait until the end of the day to post all your meals. You can post now and then edit.

A possible format:

* **Breakfast**

* **Lunch**

* **Dinner**

* **Snacks**

* **Total:**

For more daily discussion, join our discord server [here.](https://discord.gg/NTsGapV)

[Rant/Rave] Be me. Wake up at 630 AM for no reason. Eat a whole chocolate bar. How to live with self for rest of day?
Created: Tue May 22 04:51:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l92da/be_me_wake_up_at_630_am_for_no_reason_eat_a_whole/

It stops today.
Created: Tue May 22 04:49:59 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l9236/it_stops_today/
I have been binging nonstop everyday for the past 2 weeks. Ever since I stopped fasting... Today is it. I will eat 1200 calories. I will listen to my body. There is no more "I'll stop binging tomorrow". I keep putting it off. I'm so sick of being a fat fuck who can't control themself.

Today is the I start living again. Today is the day I stop hating myself.

My boyfriend really disappointed me
Created: Tue May 22 04:37:02 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l8zx3/my_boyfriend_really_disappointed_me/
First time posting, have been lurking for a while. Sorry if this makes no sense.

So I've been struggling with anorexic behaviour and thoughts for a very long time. My boyfriend knows I don't eat and routinely encourages me to eat something, but has zero understanding of what goes on in my head.
Today I decided to try and open up to him and tell him how I feel and what's going on with me and that I might need help.

And he reacted with something along the lines of:
"All girls have the same problem. They all do this."
Basically invalidating everything I struggle with and sweeping it under the rug. I have never felt this hurt before. It only fuels my ED more.

Sorry for ranting. I'm just very very upset right now.

Triggered and relapsed
Created: Tue May 22 04:19:10 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l8wv3/triggered_and_relapsed/
New here, but not new to ED.

I've been all over the scales. I swing between binging and restricting. I've "recovered" in that I'm a "normal" weight (in fact overweight), but not without the constant guilt and self-hatred, the constant worry about calories and weight. Not to mention hating every last inch of body fat and sagging skin. ED has always been a part of me, always will, regardless of whether the scale says otherwise.

I recently experienced a trigger that brought me back to a place of highly restricted eating. I just want to be thin and numb. I'm grateful I can talk about it here.

My current approach is this, and I'm posting it to hold myself accountable:

-5 days one meal per day (OMAD) and two days per week water fasting only
-Intermittent fasting minimum 16 hours between OMAD
-Paleo keto - usually around 1% carbs, 28% protein, 71% fat - totaling no more than 800 calories
-Taking supplements - green tea, pseudoephedrine, aspirin, garlic, omega-3 oil, l-cysteine
-Prescribed Adderall (thank christ)
-Otherwise subsisting on black coffee and carbonated (flavorless) mineral water

It's hard not drinking (too many carbs), and also smoking weed daily without being able to indulge the munchies. But at least I don't hate myself as much doing this as I do when I'm not.

[Goal] A day late for stats update, a day early for small goals and huge accomplishments!
Created: Tue May 22 03:44:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l8r77/a_day_late_for_stats_update_a_day_early_for_small/
I've been trying to break back into the 270s forever it seems, since at least last September.

The past 3 or four weeks I've been fluttering in the low 280s, never able to lose that last bit of water weight, never actually getting what I consider my true weight (no waste, no water weight).

Well I was gonna eat last night, but I fell asleep, which makes for two days fasting, and I stepped on the scale to see a whoooosh!

Dropped from 285 to 278! I almost cried, it feels so good and only drives me to keep on going and fight falling into the binge cycle.

My ED nightmare
Created: Tue May 22 02:18:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l8eaa/my_ed_nightmare/
Traveling for a week and a half with no scale and no idea what my food options will be. I'll be staying in a hotel so idk if I'll be able to prepare my own food at all.

rip my progress

I hate the NSFW subreddits that show up on /r/all
Created: Tue May 22 01:55:29 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l8aul/i_hate_the_nsfw_subreddits_that_show_up_on_rall/
It's like, *i get it.* you girls are confident and thin and beautiful and everyone just loves you and I'm a fat piece of garbage who has nothing going for them. Not even the attention of creepy dudes looking to get off.

All of these girls look so beautiful and perfect. I'm jealous and pathetic.

[Rant/Rave] My boyfriend is 6” taller than me and used to weight 3 lbs more than me.
Created: Mon May 21 23:52:55 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l7pk5/my_boyfriend_is_6_taller_than_me_and_used_to/
Meltdown isn’t a flair option.

I have to lose weight. He’s gained muscle, and now he’s a good 35ish lbs heavier than me, but goddamnit. I’m so fat. He used to be so thin.

I just want to be small.
I want to be small.

Just waiting to see the difference...
Created: Mon May 21 23:16:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l7itb/just_waiting_to_see_the_difference/
Have any of you had experience losing weight but not seeing change in your body? I've been heavily restricting (averaging 550 a day, fasts/exercise after going over) for about three weeks and see nothing, although I do think I'm losing weight because some of my clothes seem to fit looser. (I don't weigh myself or have a scale because I'm in all honesty MASSIVELY afraid of scales.)

I'm just frustrated because I did this to see change, but I'm worried I'm never going to. This diet was supposed to make me look better before graduation and I feel exactly the same. I know I have BDD which probably contributes but my body checks (tapping hips, encircling arms, etc.) never feel different either. Feels like my arms will always be massive and my stomach will make me look pregnant and I'll never see my hip bones again.

When did you see change? If you did? Can anyone who's experienced this share how it went down for them? I'm getting really desperate.

Discord group for immediate support?
Created: Mon May 21 22:49:40 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l7dk9/discord_group_for_immediate_support/
I've joined a couple of proED discords but I feel like they're missing the immediate support. Everyone checks in occasionally, but that doesn't help me with my problem which is mainly binging, and keeping on track. So I would like to have a group where I can say "Hey Im going to eat this chocolate...." and people can immediately give me help to stop the bad decision, and I can do the same for them.

If anyone is interested in forming a group of buddies who have the app on their phone (and are open to being on call within reason!) Id love to have that.

Im 25, been dealing with eating issues for years and years, and Im on Pacific Time. I need to lose about 15 lbs asap, and would like to do so with high restriction, exercise, and prefer a no-nonsense brutal approach. Im happy to talk about other things about our ED too, just looking for buddies who can support each other through this! :)

[Thinspo] An album of David Bowie thinspo
Created: Mon May 21 22:24:47 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l78hr/an_album_of_david_bowie_thinspo/

[Rant/Rave] Can’t stop
Created: Mon May 21 22:00:54 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l73bv/cant_stop/
I don’t know if I should post here because I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but im pretty sure my eating habits are disordered in some way so I hope this is the right place to post this. I just need to rant.

Basically I’ve binged and purged way too much today. I’m really tired but I can’t stop. Usually I do it about once a day (well on a good week maybe 4-5 times) but today has been a bit excessive. I’m always so paranoid that someone will figure it out. I just can’t stop uncontrollably eating and it sucks so much. I hate eating because I know I’ll just have to purge it and i hate purging. Every thing I eat turns into a binge. Ugh today just sucks. I’m not even very stressed out. I think I only keep binging because I’ve been home all day and have constant access to food. I just can’t control it ya know? It’s just one of those days that shouldn’t be bad but just is because my mental illness just happened to ruin it. I just want to sleep but I’m staying up because I can’t stop feeling guilty about all the food I ate. It doesn’t help that the people around me talk about diets a lot. It makes me feel really awful because it reminds me of how much food I consume. It really is a lot haha. I wish I could stop for at least a day. I want just one good binge-free and purge-free day. I just wish I could restrict without knowing I’ll binge the next day (or hour). At the same time I don’t want to recover because I’m scared so I guess I’ll just keep complaining about it. I feel so gross. I think it’s from binging and purging so much today. Oh well.

[Other] A good day? I might post this whole week bc it’s prom on Saturday and I really need to stay on track. I think I can handle this and stay under 1,200. Hope I lose something! (5/21)
Created: Mon May 21 21:24:26 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6vaa/a_good_day_i_might_post_this_whole_week_bc_its/

FitBit Burned Calories Accuracy?
Created: Mon May 21 21:09:51 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6rsz/fitbit_burned_calories_accuracy/
Title basically says it all, was wondering if anyone has any experience with how accurate FitBit's "calories burned" values are? Mostly for just walking, not really doing any workouts at the moment. Does anyone try and keep track of their burned calories \(I don't budget it in with my restriction anyway, so it's sort of a "bonus" deficit\)? Could just be the sceptic in me but kinda seems like an over estimate...

Having major cravings right now
Created: Mon May 21 20:54:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6o6d/having_major_cravings_right_now/
I am having major cravings for Italian, Mexican, and American food I just want to gorge myself till I can't eat no more. Can anyone relate and how do you stop these cravings from happening.

[Rant/Rave] Tfw you can’t tell if you’re exhausted because you’re anorexic, because you’re iron deficient, because it’s finals week or because you got 5 hours of sleep last night
Created: Mon May 21 20:40:49 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6kss/tfw_you_cant_tell_if_youre_exhausted_because/
y’all I’m so fucking tired 😒🔫

2 finals tomorrow then none until next week at least

[Rant/Rave] A Small Rant About Mayonnaise
Created: Mon May 21 20:34:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6jbd/a_small_rant_about_mayonnaise/



[Discussion] For those restricting/losing weight, does your weight drop everyday?
Created: Mon May 21 20:28:23 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6hr5/for_those_restrictinglosing_weight_does_your/
My weight only drops 0.2kg\(0.44lbs\) everyday for now. Ate a little more than usual yesterday and weight increases by 0.2kg \(0.44lbs\). Am I'm the only one who cares so much when weight loss is so little? It's so little and I am trying my best to restrict.... but previously I was able to lose more than just 0.2kg \(0.44lbs\). A little helpless that I am losing so little. :\( If I am going to only lose 0.2kg every single day, I wonder how long will it take for me to reach my goal weight? I still have around 2kg \(4.4lbs\) to reach my goal weight.

[Help] Why is it that cramping is a symptom of an ED (or when we are eating low calories)?
Created: Mon May 21 20:18:34 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6fcs/why_is_it_that_cramping_is_a_symptom_of_an_ed_or/
My legs have been cramping every single day and the pain is so unbearable. Anything I can do to make it stop?

Huge pill fear because of weight gain and was Rx'd Neurontin
Created: Mon May 21 20:10:46 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6dgb/huge_pill_fear_because_of_weight_gain_and_was_rxd/
Has anyone taken Neurontin/Gabapentin? It has an uncommon weight gain side effect which freaks me out to no end. What about drugs will cause weight gain? If I gain more than 2 pounds in a short time period I will not continue taking it.

[Help] Trying to figure out chicken drumstick calories
Created: Mon May 21 20:07:12 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l6ck7/help_trying_to_figure_out_chicken_drumstick/
On mobile, can't flair.

I got some chicken drumsticks on sale from the meat department at Wal-Mart. They have skin and bones. I am trying to find the calorie content of them raw but everything online is giving different answers. I guess I will put them in the crock pot and when they are done I will shred them and remove bone but keep the skin (cuz I like to live on the wild side 🙃). The closest thing I could find online was comparing it to Tyson raw chicken with skin which is 150 calories for 112g. It doesn't say if that weight includes bone!!! I am frustrated and have to eat this since I bought it but the weight of the bone alone is probably 20-30 grams.

Anyone know calories for chicken drumsticks raw with skin and bone removed???

Struggling after coming home from living abroad
Created: Mon May 21 19:54:35 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l69hn/struggling_after_coming_home_from_living_abroad/
I've been struggling a lot recently since coming back home to the US after studying abroad in Latin America for a semester. I had a really well structured two meals a day (breakfast and dinner, lunch was on us) and I felt really healthy about food and more comfortable with it since everything was so structured. I struggle with bingeing and restricting so now being back in the US I'm surrounded by constant food and have been fighting against wanting to binge. I binged yesterday and ended up puking my guts out since I'm still readjusting to the food here. I ended up having to make myself throw up which I think triggered me a lot into being in an unhealthy state of mind.

Being surrounded by all this food has been so hard and it's stressing me out and I want to eat it all but also the thought of eating it all makes me disgusted with myself. Does anyone have advice from personal experience? I know this is a super niche situation but going from so much structure to absolutely none is so much harder than I thought it'd be. It's dumb, but I thought I got past lots of this while abroad and thought I'd be okay back home. I guess not.

Panicking - Don’t think I’ll fit into my boyfriend’s jacket
Created: Mon May 21 19:23:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l61zd/panicking_dont_think_ill_fit_into_my_boyfriends/
So, long story short, my boyfriend has gotten me to agree to wearing his jacket tomorrow and I’m freaking the hell out. He’s reallyyyy skinny and my BMI is a solid 21. I’m so worried that I’m not going to fit it. This is my worst fear in the world ever, yayyyyy!!!

[Help] Reactive hypoglycaemia?
Created: Mon May 21 19:22:14 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l61lf/reactive_hypoglycaemia/
I have reactive hypoglycaemia and find it hard to balance. I have restrictive tendencies and although I am trying to get on a healthier path, I know that is something that I am going to do no matter what right now. However I am finding it tough to deal and figure out things to eat that won’t send me for a blood sugar rollercoaster and something that I value worthy of the calories. Anybody out there have it as well, tips to dealing with it, or foods you like for it?

I'm afraid my ED will interfere with future jobs.
Created: Mon May 21 18:05:20 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l5j01/im_afraid_my_ed_will_interfere_with_future_jobs/
I'm graduating college later this year and my plan for many years was to become a police officer once I did, or at least get a job in law enforcement to some capacity. I got an internship with my city's police department this summer and I've realized my disordered eating may make that impossible. It was a punch to the gut, even now I'm kinda tearing up out of frustration thinking about it.

I had to go on a ride along (I basically rode in a cruiser with a real officer for their entire shift) with a really great, strong female officer. Basically the embodiment of everything I want to be in life. Observing her left me with the feeling that I'm going the complete opposite direction.

I'm already predicting I won't be strong enough to do what a police officer needs to be able to do. I've been dropping weight really fast the past six months or so and I already don't have the energy to do almost anything. I don't know what to do or what I want to accomplish from this post. I'm just... really sad. I'm mad at myself for being this way.

If this is against the rules please delete but my request pertains to my issues here...
Created: Mon May 21 18:01:52 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l5i8e/if_this_is_against_the_rules_please_delete_but_my/

Why is the only thing in my life that I care about food?
Created: Mon May 21 17:59:15 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l5hmk/why_is_the_only_thing_in_my_life_that_i_care/
Basically title says it all. The only thing that makes me happy any more is food and I can see myself getting larger from extremely poor eating habits.

Seroquel and weight gain? Does anyone have any experiences?
Created: Mon May 21 17:45:44 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l5eb3/seroquel_and_weight_gain_does_anyone_have_any/
I was just prescribed seroquel today in addition to my cymbalta, lamictal and kolonopin.

My doctor knows that I am petrified to gain weight and knows I will not take anything if it says it can cause a lot of gain. It seems like it's something that will help me at night with my insomnia but if it makes me gain I will freak out! I know I can monitor it and all but from what I read it seems like it just causes you to store fat? I knew another girl in one of my support groups who took seroquel at nighttime and she never seemed to be scared of it.

Idk. I have been feeling awful but do not want to feel worse with the gain.

I know this is more of a bipolar question but I feel you guys would understand better!

How can I choose recovery when people like me better skinny?
Created: Mon May 21 17:26:11 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l59n6/how_can_i_choose_recovery_when_people_like_me/
I never get half as many compliments, attention, or general interest in me when I'm not restricting or purging than when I am.
People can tell you that your weight doesn't matter all they want to, but the difference in how they treat fat people and skinny people shows what they really think, and what really matters to them.
No one goes out of their way to be nice to someone who's fat.
No one goes up to flirt with someone who's fat.
No one compliments how good a fat person's clothes look on them.

Do I wish that weren't the case? Absolutely. But it is.

Even when I'm just on the heavier side of normal, people ignore me. But when I starve myself? People looovvvee me. People just can't stop saying how sexy and beautiful I am. It doesn't matter if I don't believe it, the attention is still addicting.

It makes it downright impossible to want to make myself eat more, or exercise less. And so anyone who thinks that people are foolish to not want to recover are kidding themselves.

Hesitant about birth control because cravings but PMS is already causing me to binge! Experiences/advice anyone?
Created: Mon May 21 17:25:38 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l59il/hesitant_about_birth_control_because_cravings_but/
PMS is literally ruining me. The entire week I'm ovulating AND the one before my period, I'm an anxious mess with huge cravings and I just can't cope with it anymore, I feel so miserable and I'm pretty sure it's linked in deep with my disordered eating.

I've had birth control reccomend to me a few times now but I am fucking *terrified* of even less control, even more cravings. I feel so bad though that I'm considering just trying it, but I don't know where to start as I'm not even in a relationship at the moment, nor do I have the time to even get laid anymore lmao.

Does anyone have any positive BC experiences? I've heard of a few pills that supposedly weaken appetite, mine is already huge more often than not now. I'm sick of feeling like a hormonal mess.

I just don't know what to do. I'd really really appreciate hearing some experiences from girls who've got some knowledge on this. I've got an appointment with my GP tomorrow and I'm pretty scared. Ty xo

[Help] Is being underweight worth it, or is it better to stay at a healthy weight
Created: Mon May 21 17:19:45 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l582m/is_being_underweight_worth_it_or_is_it_better_to/
I am 5’1 and 105, which some people call small but to me it just feels average. I don’t feel tiny and certain parts of my body just feel huge.
I would like to be underweight but that is 12 lbs away and I’m in a relationship which inhibits my ed from spiraling that bad. So I was settling for 100.

But is it worth it to lose 5 more lbs? Half the time I can rationalize that my weight is fine and I don’t need to lose anymore but the other half I feel like I need to be smaller.

I’ve been maintaining around this size for like 6 months and I tell myself that if I reaaaaally need to be 100 I can lose those 5lbs quick. But part of me wants to lose it ASAP so I can see how my body looks that size.

I just want to EAT tho, so I’m like what’s the point of 5 lbs.

I also see soooo many underweight people here that say they hate their bodies more than ever at their low weights and so it doesn’t feel worth it to fuck my mind up more, bc I know even at 100 I’ll still feel obligated to starve.

I really really want your guys’ inputs on if losing 5 more pounds is worth it- and don’t be afraid to tell me I need to lose it lol I need the opinions of people who have similar minds as me bc any normal person would say it’s not a big deal

[Rant/Rave] Reason for recovery
Created: Mon May 21 16:56:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l52jk/reason_for_recovery/
I've noticed something about myself. I have to have a reason to eat and take care of myself or else I just don't care to do it. It doesn't feel like recovery is worth it. Right now, my reason for recovery is muscle building. If I don't eat, I don't have the fuel I need to build muscle and exercise. I'm worried that I won't be able to come up with reason after reason for recovery.

Really the worst thing to say...
Created: Mon May 21 16:40:39 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l4ypc/really_the_worst_thing_to_say/
So \- long story short I am \(more like was \- kind of? idk anymore\) dating a guy I met online and we've been dating since January. Just last week he told me that he thinks he felt like he "fell for me" simply because he was caught up in the excitement of meeting someone so cool and was questioning whether or not he ever felt genuine "love" for me and just wants to be best friends. We've both done a lot of like \- sexy stuff on webcam and snapchat since we cannot be together physically yet \(he is in UK and I am in US\). He has always told me he likes small girls and I am pretty small I guess, but have been having a lot of body issues lately since he told me he was unsure of his feelings for me.

Anyways, I got home today and we try to play fortnite or CSGO or league together every evening as we have a very small window of time to hang out every evening because of the time difference. We've been hanging out but with less flirting and zero sex stuff since he told me his new\-found lesser feelings for me. He had been in a game as duos all day and he invited me to his party to see that he was playing with another girl. Cool, whatever. Let's play ya know?

We play, and she and him are just playing together and giggling and basically not talking back to me at all. So I do my thing and try to play by myself because you know fuck that I am trying to distance myself at this point. Trying...anyways. And she just drops her connectivity out of nowhere. He said she was messaging him like crazy after she disconnected and she said she had to go for no reason \- yea ok. Without saying bye?

Anyways, as soon as she leaves voice he said that he shared his photo with her and she shared her photo with him earlier in the day while I was still at work. He said that she started hitting on him immediately after seeing his photo and that he thought she was "very tiny tinier than you!" he said. :\(

"tinier than you!" he said



I was doing better until tonight. And then he kept saying how much she was messaging him on discord and begging him to play with just him. And then he said that he found out she is 21 years old and that she lives less than an hour away from him. I am 30 years old and live in another country.

I am so done, guys. I can't do this anymore. I am gonna fucking relapse. There's no going back.

There's no words for how severely fucking bad this is.

[Rant/Rave] hey, mom, if you could put the fucking scale back, that’d be really nice!
Created: Mon May 21 16:33:58 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l4x5j/hey_mom_if_you_could_put_the_fucking_scale_back/
long story short, the downstairs bathroom got remodeled. i used to have a scale down there and i would weigh myself every morning. well, the bathroom got finished, my mom went in there to clean it up, and now my fucking scale is gone. i’d really like to ask for it back, but i can’t do that without raising major suspicion.

[Rant/Rave] my therapist commented on my weight loss
Created: Mon May 21 16:31:53 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l4wmf/my_therapist_commented_on_my_weight_loss/
I've never talked to her about weight loss or my ED, and today during our session she pointed out that I've "lost a significant amount of weight" and asked if I've been restricting. I told her it's just from exercise and I wasn't trying to lose weight *shrug* oops

[Discussion] Harm reduction
Created: Mon May 21 16:14:25 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l4s2e/harm_reduction/
Just wondering what everyone does to reduce harm during any kind eating disorder, like vitamins or drinking a certain amount of water?

Are eating disorders and autism connected?
Created: Mon May 21 16:00:41 2018
Permalink: http://reddit.com/r/proED/comments/8l4ojt/are_eating_disorders_and_autism_connected/
![img](k0br6w107az01 "ATTENTION ALL WOMEN!")

Do you currently have an Eating Disorder?OrHave you experienced an Eating Disorder in the past?

I need your help to complete my PhD research. I would like you to ANONYMOUSLY complete an online survey about Eating Disorders and Autism.

\- Up to 45&#37; of women with an Eating Diso